what to do when your kid hurts another

"toypup" wrote in message
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"Kat" wrote in message
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Apologies are useless. Most of the time kids don't mean it and are
saying it for YOU, not them or the other child.

I disagree with this. If a child hurts someone, he must apologize. There
are adults in this world whose egos are so big, they never learn to do
that and it hurts their relationships with others. Even if at first, the
kids apologize to make parents happy, they eventually learn the value of
it when they see the positive effects it has on their relationships with
others. DS has learned to apologize when he makes mistakes and I do
believe he does it with sincerity.

It's useless. I also would spare my child the embarrassment of a big
written letter or apology in person to the child and their parents.

I also disagree here. The letter is not intended to embarrass but rather
it is exactly that -- an apology. If someone hurt me and apologized in a
letter, I would feel better about it.

Both of what you said are fair statements about an apology. Why make him
apologize twice? If your DS is one to feel some kind of remorse for
something that seems to be out of the blue (I get the impression that he's
not one to kick and hurt others on a regular basis, and this little incident
with the other kid is not something that happens every time he's playing
with someone) Anyways, if he is one to feel bad after hurting someone, I
think then the apology would be from him, without you needing to prompt. I
am meaning a forced apology is useless if you need to tell them over and
over.
I know with my DDs, they're at that age where they're at eachother's necks
most of the time. At 2 and 3, hitting seems to be almost a natural reaction
if one takes something away from the other. For this, I have tried to make
one say sorry over and over and over, and it's pointless. For them,
something like a hug is more effective if one kicks or hits the other one
out of frustration.
Even at 2 and 3, though, they do know how to apologize. DD2 (the 2 year
old) even knows how to say sorry - the other day she tripped DD1 and down
DD1 goes. DD2 turned around and said, "Oh! Sorry!"
I realize a 2 year old and 7 year old can't really be compared, but it's
that even a 2 year old can say sorry on their own and mean it as far as what
they think it means. And forcing it IS useless. I would rather have no
apology from another adult for something than one that involves eye rolling
or forcing or snapping or not meaning it.
If your DS is one to feel bad for apologizing, then he'll do it on his own.
And maybe he already did apologize to the other child. He might not have
told you he did say he was sorry, but he also might have. I think the
apology for something like kicking someone else is best done at the time, or
fairly shortly after.

and chances are that the other kid won't really care or remember. Kids
seem to get over things fairly easily. And they'll be back playing and
just fine in no time at all. Dragging it out seems pointless.

I agree that things will be fine. DD got into something with her friend
and I don't remember what it was, but when her friend came over, she took
DD's hand and looked her in the eye and apologized. I am sure her mother
put her up to it, but it was heartfelt and all was better. All would have
been forgotten anyway, but I think that was honorable.


If the child was physically harmed, I'd let it go. Also, another rule of
thumb is not to punish, but to discipline. Shame and all that isn't a
good way to handle things, it seems. If you didn't see it actually
happen, then you can't blame one or the other.

The story was clear cut, as DS is truthful (one quality I admire about
him) and told me exactly what happened. The story was not told by the
neighbor child. I am not attempting to shame my child. I am attempting
to help him to right a wrong. If you hurt someone, is it shameful to
apologize?

No, I didn't mean that. I was just putting a point out that this isn't
something a person wants to do. I didn't mean to imply you were doing it or
going to do it at all.
Did DS apologize to the other child? Help him up, give him a hug, shake his
hand, help him sit down or anything like that? Before you were around?
If he felt bad, did he say he was sorry at the time? Or do something to
say/show he was sorry when he knew he did something wrong? Even a hug could
mean "I'm sorry I did this" - or if he's at the age where hugging someone
else is not alright, helping him up, something else that might have shown he
knew he did something that wasn't alright and tried to make it better?