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#11
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Is this normal for a 3-year-old?
carlye wrote:
My DD is barely three. A year ago (yesterday), my MIL passed away after a long battle with cancer. DD was very close to her grandmother when she was still alive, but she was only two at the time. Here we are, a year later, and DD still has periods of time where she's sad or distraught about "grandma dying." Children start developing "episodic memory", the kind of memory we adults have, around age 2. However, even before episodic memory, they can remember things that happened, but they may or may not remember these things years later. For example, an 18mo can talk about visiting grandma last week, even if as a 2yo, she won't remember that particular visit. I'm sure that your daughter remembers her grandmother clearly and it seems as if this is a strong enough memory that she will remember her in the future. -- Anita -- |
#12
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Is this normal for a 3-year-old?
On Oct 12, 5:17 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote:
I wasn't talking about her knowing you were pregnant before you did, I was talking about reincarnation... after all, she was just up in the "waiting room" where babies souls hang out before they are born pretty recently, maybe she is remembering something? : ) -- Well, that's kind of what I meant, too, that grandma was being reincarnated in a new baby -- our hypothetical new baby. I was just being more specific. -Carlye DD 9-29-04 DS 6-2-06 |
#13
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Is this normal for a 3-year-old?
On Oct 12, 7:52 am, carlye wrote:
My DD is barely three. A year ago (yesterday), my MIL passed away after a long battle with cancer. DD was very close to her grandmother when she was still alive, but she was only two at the time. Here we are, a year later, and DD still has periods of time where she's sad or distraught about "grandma dying." I don't have any suggestions for helping your daughter cope, but I do think this is normal, if Micah is any indication. One of my acquaintances lost her father last Easter time, and that night when I was putting Micah to bed, I prayed for Evelyn -- nothing specific, just that she would be comforted. M wanted to know why Evelyn was sad, and I told him that her daddy died. This was six months ago, and he *still* periodically asks me about Evelyn's daddy -- where did he go, did he die, why did he die, etc. Micah doesn't even know my friend and has obviously never met her father, but it made a big impression on him. Hugs. It sounds like your daughter and her grandma had a beautiful relationship; that must have made your MIL very happy. Em |
#14
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Is this normal for a 3-year-old?
On Oct 16, 1:08 am, wrote:
I don't have any suggestions for helping your daughter cope, but I do think this is normal, if Micah is any indication. One of my acquaintances lost her father last Easter time, and that night when I was putting Micah to bed, I prayed for Evelyn -- nothing specific, just that she would be comforted. M wanted to know why Evelyn was sad, and I told him that her daddy died. This was six months ago, and he *still* periodically asks me about Evelyn's daddy -- where did he go, did he die, why did he die, etc. Micah doesn't even know my friend and has obviously never met her father, but it made a big impression on him. I suppose death is a kind of mystical, sometimes scary things for little ones. Thank you for the reassurance. Hugs. It sounds like your daughter and her grandma had a beautiful relationship; that must have made your MIL very happy. It did. My FIL always says that DD and DS were the consistent "bright spots" in a year of pain and loss. MIL used to pick DD up for "therapy" whenever she was feeling like she didn't have the strength or energy to go on. Whether that "therapy" was chasing after DD in the grocery store, pushing DD on the swing, or sitting down with DD to watch TV -- it was those moments when MIL was herself and happy. I don't like to see DD sad or scared, but it will be tragic if/when she forgets all of those times. -Carlye DD 9-29-04 DS 6-2-06 |
#15
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Is this normal for a 3-year-old?
The trick is to help her accept the loss, while not forgetting the good
times. Part of why death is so hard for us to accept is that we fear losing the good memories. You have to teach your daughter and guide her through this -- Grandma loved her and had many happy times with her, and wouldn't want to see her so sad. One of the ways that we can honor and remember grandma is to be happy, and talk about those happy times. Maybe write some of them down and draw some pictures, etc. -- Jamie Earth Angels: Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03 Addison Grace -- 09/30/04 Check out the family -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_Guest1, Password: guest Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and Password "carlye" wrote in message oups.com... On Oct 16, 1:08 am, wrote: I don't have any suggestions for helping your daughter cope, but I do think this is normal, if Micah is any indication. One of my acquaintances lost her father last Easter time, and that night when I was putting Micah to bed, I prayed for Evelyn -- nothing specific, just that she would be comforted. M wanted to know why Evelyn was sad, and I told him that her daddy died. This was six months ago, and he *still* periodically asks me about Evelyn's daddy -- where did he go, did he die, why did he die, etc. Micah doesn't even know my friend and has obviously never met her father, but it made a big impression on him. I suppose death is a kind of mystical, sometimes scary things for little ones. Thank you for the reassurance. Hugs. It sounds like your daughter and her grandma had a beautiful relationship; that must have made your MIL very happy. It did. My FIL always says that DD and DS were the consistent "bright spots" in a year of pain and loss. MIL used to pick DD up for "therapy" whenever she was feeling like she didn't have the strength or energy to go on. Whether that "therapy" was chasing after DD in the grocery store, pushing DD on the swing, or sitting down with DD to watch TV -- it was those moments when MIL was herself and happy. I don't like to see DD sad or scared, but it will be tragic if/when she forgets all of those times. -Carlye DD 9-29-04 DS 6-2-06 |
#16
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Is this normal for a 3-year-old?
On Oct 12, 12:51 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote:
I forgot one more thing -- do a search on Amazon.com for books for kids dealing with grief and death. There may be some really nice story books that you can read together about a child who lost their grandparent, or pet, or something like that, that can help model for her grief and healing. -- Jamie Earth Angels: Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03 Addison Grace -- 09/30/04 Check out the family --www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_Guest1, Password: guest Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and Password "carlye" wrote in message ups.com... On Oct 12, 11:11 am, "Jamie Clark" wrote: I think she does remember her grandmother, especially if they saw a lot of each other and were close. They definitely were close. We lived only about a mile from my in- laws until just a few weeks before MIL passed away (at which point we moved about 250 miles away). MIL and FIL spent a huge amount of time with my kids, especially DD, and they have often credited DD as the reason MIL fought as long and hard as she did. DD had plenty of experiences from which to draw these feelings and memories -- I just didn't think children that little retained memories for very long at all. When she talks about her grandmother, it's important that you also talk about grandma, rather than try to change the subject or just try to stop the tears. Acknowledge that you and Daddy miss Grandma too. Reminisce about grandma and the happy times they shared may help her out of the sad memories of losing grandma and keep her in happier memories. Perhaps remind her that Grandma was a happy Grandma, and wouldn't want to think that DD was so sad about her. Grandma would want her to smile, or tell a joke, or draw a beautiful picture. We don't typically just try and shush or distract her. We talk about how it is sad that Grandma is gone but that she doesn't hurt anymore and she's happy now, but we haven't tried telling her what Grandma would like or want -- I'm definitely going to try that one. Thanks for the suggestion. Also, if you believe in Heaven or something similar, it might comfort her to know that Grandma is in Heaven looking down on her, or Grandma is her guardian angel, always watching over and protecting her. Grandma is in her heart, in your heart, and in Daddy's heart, and will always be near. That sort of thing. Ask her to draw Grandma in Heaven, or as an angel. Post the pictures on the wall. Also very good ideas. She's processing it, and it's a lot to process. Even for adults, death is a lot to process. It could well be that she thought her Grandma would come back at some point, not understanding that death is permanent, so is just coming to terms with the fact that Grandma is really gone. You know, I never thought of that, but you're right... for a long time, she would say that Grandma died but she was coming back. Sometimes she'd even tell me that Grandma was going to be a baby again and would grow in my tummy. She could very well just now be coming to terms with the loss. Hugs to your sweet DD. Thanks, Jamie. ) -Carlye DD 9-29-04 DS 6-2-06- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - One book about death that my oldest liked when she was about that age is: "Blow Me a Kiss, Miss Lilly" --Betsy |
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