Is this normal for a 3-year-old?

carlye wrote:

My DD is barely three. A year ago (yesterday), my MIL passed away
after a long battle with cancer. DD was very close to her grandmother
when she was still alive, but she was only two at the time.

Here we are, a year later, and DD still has periods of time where
she's sad or distraught about "grandma dying."

Children start developing "episodic memory", the
kind of memory we adults have, around age 2. However,
even before episodic memory, they can remember things
that happened, but they may or may not remember these
things years later.

For example, an 18mo can talk about visiting grandma
last week, even if as a 2yo, she won't remember that
particular visit.

I'm sure that your daughter remembers her grandmother
clearly and it seems as if this is a strong enough
memory that she will remember her in the future.

-- Anita --

On Oct 12, 5:17 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote:

I wasn't talking about her knowing you were pregnant before you did, I was
talking about reincarnation... after all, she was just up in the "waiting
room" where babies souls hang out before they are born pretty recently,
maybe she is remembering something? : )
--

Well, that's kind of what I meant, too, that grandma was being
reincarnated in a new baby -- our hypothetical new baby. I was just
being more specific.

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

On Oct 12, 7:52 am, carlye wrote:
My DD is barely three. A year ago (yesterday), my MIL passed away
after a long battle with cancer. DD was very close to her grandmother
when she was still alive, but she was only two at the time.

Here we are, a year later, and DD still has periods of time where
she's sad or distraught about "grandma dying."

I don't have any suggestions for helping your daughter cope, but I do
think this is normal, if Micah is any indication. One of my
acquaintances lost her father last Easter time, and that night when I
was putting Micah to bed, I prayed for Evelyn -- nothing specific,
just that she would be comforted. M wanted to know why Evelyn was
sad, and I told him that her daddy died. This was six months ago, and
he *still* periodically asks me about Evelyn's daddy -- where did he
go, did he die, why did he die, etc. Micah doesn't even know my
friend and has obviously never met her father, but it made a big
impression on him.

Hugs. It sounds like your daughter and her grandma had a beautiful
relationship; that must have made your MIL very happy.

Em

On Oct 16, 1:08 am, wrote:
I don't have any suggestions for helping your daughter cope, but I do
think this is normal, if Micah is any indication. One of my
acquaintances lost her father last Easter time, and that night when I
was putting Micah to bed, I prayed for Evelyn -- nothing specific,
just that she would be comforted. M wanted to know why Evelyn was
sad, and I told him that her daddy died. This was six months ago, and
he *still* periodically asks me about Evelyn's daddy -- where did he
go, did he die, why did he die, etc. Micah doesn't even know my
friend and has obviously never met her father, but it made a big
impression on him.

I suppose death is a kind of mystical, sometimes scary things for
little ones. Thank you for the reassurance.


Hugs. It sounds like your daughter and her grandma had a beautiful
relationship; that must have made your MIL very happy.

It did. My FIL always says that DD and DS were the consistent "bright
spots" in a year of pain and loss. MIL used to pick DD up for
"therapy" whenever she was feeling like she didn't have the strength
or energy to go on. Whether that "therapy" was chasing after DD in
the grocery store, pushing DD on the swing, or sitting down with DD to
watch TV -- it was those moments when MIL was herself and happy. I
don't like to see DD sad or scared, but it will be tragic if/when she
forgets all of those times.

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

The trick is to help her accept the loss, while not forgetting the good
times. Part of why death is so hard for us to accept is that we fear losing
the good memories. You have to teach your daughter and guide her through
this -- Grandma loved her and had many happy times with her, and wouldn't
want to see her so sad. One of the ways that we can honor and remember
grandma is to be happy, and talk about those happy times. Maybe write some
of them down and draw some pictures, etc.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

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"carlye" wrote in message
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On Oct 16, 1:08 am, wrote:
I don't have any suggestions for helping your daughter cope, but I do
think this is normal, if Micah is any indication. One of my
acquaintances lost her father last Easter time, and that night when I
was putting Micah to bed, I prayed for Evelyn -- nothing specific,
just that she would be comforted. M wanted to know why Evelyn was
sad, and I told him that her daddy died. This was six months ago, and
he *still* periodically asks me about Evelyn's daddy -- where did he
go, did he die, why did he die, etc. Micah doesn't even know my
friend and has obviously never met her father, but it made a big
impression on him.

I suppose death is a kind of mystical, sometimes scary things for
little ones. Thank you for the reassurance.


Hugs. It sounds like your daughter and her grandma had a beautiful
relationship; that must have made your MIL very happy.

It did. My FIL always says that DD and DS were the consistent "bright
spots" in a year of pain and loss. MIL used to pick DD up for
"therapy" whenever she was feeling like she didn't have the strength
or energy to go on. Whether that "therapy" was chasing after DD in
the grocery store, pushing DD on the swing, or sitting down with DD to
watch TV -- it was those moments when MIL was herself and happy. I
don't like to see DD sad or scared, but it will be tragic if/when she
forgets all of those times.

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

On Oct 12, 12:51 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote:
I forgot one more thing -- do a search on Amazon.com for books for kids
dealing with grief and death. There may be some really nice story books
that you can read together about a child who lost their grandparent, or pet,
or something like that, that can help model for her grief and healing.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

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"carlye" wrote in message

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On Oct 12, 11:11 am, "Jamie Clark" wrote:
I think she does remember her grandmother, especially if they saw a lot
of
each other and were close.

They definitely were close. We lived only about a mile from my in-
laws until just a few weeks before MIL passed away (at which point we
moved about 250 miles away). MIL and FIL spent a huge amount of time
with my kids, especially DD, and they have often credited DD as the
reason MIL fought as long and hard as she did. DD had plenty of
experiences from which to draw these feelings and memories -- I just
didn't think children that little retained memories for very long at
all.

When she talks about her grandmother, it's important that you also talk
about grandma, rather than try to change the subject or just try to stop
the
tears. Acknowledge that you and Daddy miss Grandma too. Reminisce about
grandma and the happy times they shared may help her out of the sad
memories
of losing grandma and keep her in happier memories. Perhaps remind her
that
Grandma was a happy Grandma, and wouldn't want to think that DD was so
sad
about her. Grandma would want her to smile, or tell a joke, or draw a
beautiful picture.

We don't typically just try and shush or distract her. We talk about
how it is sad that Grandma is gone but that she doesn't hurt anymore
and she's happy now, but we haven't tried telling her what Grandma
would like or want -- I'm definitely going to try that one. Thanks
for the suggestion.

Also, if you believe in Heaven or something similar, it
might comfort her to know that Grandma is in Heaven looking down on her,
or
Grandma is her guardian angel, always watching over and protecting her.
Grandma is in her heart, in your heart, and in Daddy's heart, and will
always be near. That sort of thing. Ask her to draw Grandma in Heaven,
or
as an angel. Post the pictures on the wall.

Also very good ideas.

She's processing it, and it's a lot to process. Even for adults, death
is a
lot to process. It could well be that she thought her Grandma would come
back at some point, not understanding that death is permanent, so is just
coming to terms with the fact that Grandma is really gone.

You know, I never thought of that, but you're right... for a long
time, she would say that Grandma died but she was coming back.
Sometimes she'd even tell me that Grandma was going to be a baby again
and would grow in my tummy. She could very well just now be coming to
terms with the loss.

Hugs to your sweet DD.

Thanks, Jamie. )

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

One book about death that my oldest liked when she was about that age
is:

"Blow Me a Kiss, Miss Lilly"

--Betsy