Is this normal for a 3-year-old?

Hi all. I'm about to ask a question that's not at all about
pregnancy, but as this is a group of moms that I "know" and trust, I
thought I'd de-lurk to run this by you.

My DD is barely three. A year ago (yesterday), my MIL passed away
after a long battle with cancer. DD was very close to her grandmother
when she was still alive, but she was only two at the time.

Here we are, a year later, and DD still has periods of time where
she's sad or distraught about "grandma dying." She talks about it
frequently, including telling friends, family, and even strangers
about it. She's usually quite matter-of-fact, but at least a few
times a week, she ends up sobbing uncontrollably about how grandma
died and she misses her. Lately, due to her recent birthday and
recent potty-training, she's heard lots of talk about "growing up,"
being "another year older," and being a "big girl." Occasionally, she
responds by crying, saying she is going to "grow up and die like
grandma."

She can't possibly remember her grandmother (can she?), and even if
she did, I don't know why she'd have this intense emotional response.
DH does stay home with the kids, so I can't rule out that he is more
distraught about his mom's passing than he lets on to me, but he says
that he hasn't been. Most of DDs particularly bad "episodes" (which
sometimes involve crying for a half hour) are late at night or in the
middle of the night, so I can't rule out that nightmares are what keep
this going.

So... I guess I want to know two things. Is this normal? And,
whether it is or not, what can/should I do about it?

Thanks.

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

I think she does remember her grandmother, especially if they saw a lot of
each other and were close.

When she talks about her grandmother, it's important that you also talk
about grandma, rather than try to change the subject or just try to stop the
tears. Acknowledge that you and Daddy miss Grandma too. Reminisce about
grandma and the happy times they shared may help her out of the sad memories
of losing grandma and keep her in happier memories. Perhaps remind her that
Grandma was a happy Grandma, and wouldn't want to think that DD was so sad
about her. Grandma would want her to smile, or tell a joke, or draw a
beautiful picture. Also, if you believe in Heaven or something similar, it
might comfort her to know that Grandma is in Heaven looking down on her, or
Grandma is her guardian angel, always watching over and protecting her.
Grandma is in her heart, in your heart, and in Daddy's heart, and will
always be near. That sort of thing. Ask her to draw Grandma in Heaven, or
as an angel. Post the pictures on the wall.

She's processing it, and it's a lot to process. Even for adults, death is a
lot to process. It could well be that she thought her Grandma would come
back at some point, not understanding that death is permanent, so is just
coming to terms with the fact that Grandma is really gone.

Hugs to your sweet DD.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

Check out the family -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_Guest1, Password:
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Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

"carlye" wrote in message
ups.com...
Hi all. I'm about to ask a question that's not at all about
pregnancy, but as this is a group of moms that I "know" and trust, I
thought I'd de-lurk to run this by you.

My DD is barely three. A year ago (yesterday), my MIL passed away
after a long battle with cancer. DD was very close to her grandmother
when she was still alive, but she was only two at the time.

Here we are, a year later, and DD still has periods of time where
she's sad or distraught about "grandma dying." She talks about it
frequently, including telling friends, family, and even strangers
about it. She's usually quite matter-of-fact, but at least a few
times a week, she ends up sobbing uncontrollably about how grandma
died and she misses her. Lately, due to her recent birthday and
recent potty-training, she's heard lots of talk about "growing up,"
being "another year older," and being a "big girl." Occasionally, she
responds by crying, saying she is going to "grow up and die like
grandma."

She can't possibly remember her grandmother (can she?), and even if
she did, I don't know why she'd have this intense emotional response.
DH does stay home with the kids, so I can't rule out that he is more
distraught about his mom's passing than he lets on to me, but he says
that he hasn't been. Most of DDs particularly bad "episodes" (which
sometimes involve crying for a half hour) are late at night or in the
middle of the night, so I can't rule out that nightmares are what keep
this going.

So... I guess I want to know two things. Is this normal? And,
whether it is or not, what can/should I do about it?

Thanks.

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

"carlye" wrote in message
ups.com...
Hi all. I'm about to ask a question that's not at all about
pregnancy, but as this is a group of moms that I "know" and trust, I
thought I'd de-lurk to run this by you.

My DD is barely three. A year ago (yesterday), my MIL passed away
after a long battle with cancer. DD was very close to her grandmother
when she was still alive, but she was only two at the time.

Here we are, a year later, and DD still has periods of time where
she's sad or distraught about "grandma dying." She talks about it
frequently, including telling friends, family, and even strangers
about it. She's usually quite matter-of-fact, but at least a few
times a week, she ends up sobbing uncontrollably about how grandma
died and she misses her. Lately, due to her recent birthday and
recent potty-training, she's heard lots of talk about "growing up,"
being "another year older," and being a "big girl." Occasionally, she
responds by crying, saying she is going to "grow up and die like
grandma."

She can't possibly remember her grandmother (can she?),
I think children remember more than we give them credit for. I remember #1
at 2years old seeing a picture of a Christmas tree in a catalogue and saying
"we have one of those and it goes there and we did...." and we hadn't
talked, shown her photos or anything so she must have remembered Christmas
from when she was 14 months old.
#2 certainly remembers people she hasn't seen since she was 2 and she's
nearly 4 now.
and even if
she did, I don't know why she'd have this intense emotional response.
DH does stay home with the kids, so I can't rule out that he is more
distraught about his mom's passing than he lets on to me, but he says
that he hasn't been. Most of DDs particularly bad "episodes" (which
sometimes involve crying for a half hour) are late at night or in the
middle of the night, so I can't rule out that nightmares are what keep
this going.

So... I guess I want to know two things. Is this normal? And,
whether it is or not, what can/should I do about it?

It's normal for #1. When my nephew died she was really upset, and she would
suddenly burst into tears about 6 months afterwards when something reminded
her. And she'd never met him.
Let her talk. Maybe find her something that she could have of grandma's or a
photo of them together for her to keep. I know #1 was much comforted after
great-grandma died when she inherited a soft toy.
Debbie

On Oct 12, 11:11 am, "Jamie Clark" wrote:
I think she does remember her grandmother, especially if they saw a lot of
each other and were close.

They definitely were close. We lived only about a mile from my in-
laws until just a few weeks before MIL passed away (at which point we
moved about 250 miles away). MIL and FIL spent a huge amount of time
with my kids, especially DD, and they have often credited DD as the
reason MIL fought as long and hard as she did. DD had plenty of
experiences from which to draw these feelings and memories -- I just
didn't think children that little retained memories for very long at
all.

When she talks about her grandmother, it's important that you also talk
about grandma, rather than try to change the subject or just try to stop the
tears. Acknowledge that you and Daddy miss Grandma too. Reminisce about
grandma and the happy times they shared may help her out of the sad memories
of losing grandma and keep her in happier memories. Perhaps remind her that
Grandma was a happy Grandma, and wouldn't want to think that DD was so sad
about her. Grandma would want her to smile, or tell a joke, or draw a
beautiful picture.

We don't typically just try and shush or distract her. We talk about
how it is sad that Grandma is gone but that she doesn't hurt anymore
and she's happy now, but we haven't tried telling her what Grandma
would like or want -- I'm definitely going to try that one. Thanks
for the suggestion.

Also, if you believe in Heaven or something similar, it
might comfort her to know that Grandma is in Heaven looking down on her, or
Grandma is her guardian angel, always watching over and protecting her.
Grandma is in her heart, in your heart, and in Daddy's heart, and will
always be near. That sort of thing. Ask her to draw Grandma in Heaven, or
as an angel. Post the pictures on the wall.

Also very good ideas.

She's processing it, and it's a lot to process. Even for adults, death is a
lot to process. It could well be that she thought her Grandma would come
back at some point, not understanding that death is permanent, so is just
coming to terms with the fact that Grandma is really gone.

You know, I never thought of that, but you're right... for a long
time, she would say that Grandma died but she was coming back.
Sometimes she'd even tell me that Grandma was going to be a baby again
and would grow in my tummy. She could very well just now be coming to
terms with the loss.

Hugs to your sweet DD.

Thanks, Jamie. )

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

On Oct 12, 12:22 pm, "Welches"
wrote:
It's normal for #1. When my nephew died she was really upset, and she would
suddenly burst into tears about 6 months afterwards when something reminded
her. And she'd never met him.

That's good to know, Debbie. I admit I've been afraid to bring this
up to friends and family because I feared everyone would tell me to
bring her to a child psychologist. I am sorry for your DD, but I am
glad to know my DD isn't the only little one who has struggled in this
way.

Let her talk. Maybe find her something that she could have of grandma's or a
photo of them together for her to keep. I know #1 was much comforted after
great-grandma died when she inherited a soft toy.

Yeah, she's got a few things that Grandma left for her. She likes
those things. One particular item, a ceramic Norwegian figurine, she
says IS grandma. She tells everyone that that's her grandma, and she
talks to it, etc. She has started also crediting Grandma with giving
her EVERYTHING. All of her birthday presents, for example, though
handed to her by other friends and family, she says are from Grandma.
Just last night, she proudly showed me the bunkbed DH and I bought and
assembled a week ago and said, "Look what my grandma got for me!" I
guess she's just trying to hang on. And I understand that.

Thanks for the reassurance.

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

"carlye" wrote in message
ups.com...
On Oct 12, 11:11 am, "Jamie Clark" wrote:
I think she does remember her grandmother, especially if they saw a lot
of
each other and were close.

They definitely were close. We lived only about a mile from my in-
laws until just a few weeks before MIL passed away (at which point we
moved about 250 miles away). MIL and FIL spent a huge amount of time
with my kids, especially DD, and they have often credited DD as the
reason MIL fought as long and hard as she did. DD had plenty of
experiences from which to draw these feelings and memories -- I just
didn't think children that little retained memories for very long at
all.

Taylor has a memory like a steel trap. She will talk about things that
happened 6 months or a year ago, and did that type of thing when she was 2
and 3 as well. I think perhaps that as we age, our new experiences become
memories that can push out the less imbeded ones, so as an older child, or
even adult, you don't remember much about being 2 or 3 or 4 years old. But
as a 3 or 4 year old, you don't have as many memories, and you still have a
lot of "hard drive" space...so to speak. But certain memories, at any age,
can become very deeply imbeded. Especially a loved one.

When she talks about her grandmother, it's important that you also talk
about grandma, rather than try to change the subject or just try to stop
the
tears. Acknowledge that you and Daddy miss Grandma too. Reminisce about
grandma and the happy times they shared may help her out of the sad
memories
of losing grandma and keep her in happier memories. Perhaps remind her
that
Grandma was a happy Grandma, and wouldn't want to think that DD was so
sad
about her. Grandma would want her to smile, or tell a joke, or draw a
beautiful picture.

We don't typically just try and shush or distract her. We talk about
how it is sad that Grandma is gone but that she doesn't hurt anymore
and she's happy now, but we haven't tried telling her what Grandma
would like or want -- I'm definitely going to try that one. Thanks
for the suggestion.

It sounds like you have been doing things in the right direction, and if you
add a few more things, then it will help her process. But kids need to
process, and process, and process again. Of course where grief is
concerned, so do adults. Grief is hard.

Also, if you believe in Heaven or something similar, it
might comfort her to know that Grandma is in Heaven looking down on her,
or
Grandma is her guardian angel, always watching over and protecting her.
Grandma is in her heart, in your heart, and in Daddy's heart, and will
always be near. That sort of thing. Ask her to draw Grandma in Heaven,
or
as an angel. Post the pictures on the wall.

Also very good ideas.

I like the OP's idea of putting up a photo of Grandma and DD as well, if
there aren't already any out.

She's processing it, and it's a lot to process. Even for adults, death
is a
lot to process. It could well be that she thought her Grandma would come
back at some point, not understanding that death is permanent, so is just
coming to terms with the fact that Grandma is really gone.

You know, I never thought of that, but you're right... for a long
time, she would say that Grandma died but she was coming back.
Sometimes she'd even tell me that Grandma was going to be a baby again
and would grow in my tummy. She could very well just now be coming to
terms with the loss.

Hugs to your sweet DD.

Thanks, Jamie. )

In regards to the "Grandma was going to be a baby again," maybe she knows
something that we don't? : )
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

Check out the family -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_Guest1, Password:
guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

I forgot one more thing -- do a search on Amazon.com for books for kids
dealing with grief and death. There may be some really nice story books
that you can read together about a child who lost their grandparent, or pet,
or something like that, that can help model for her grief and healing.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

Check out the family -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_Guest1, Password:
guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

"carlye" wrote in message
ups.com...
On Oct 12, 11:11 am, "Jamie Clark" wrote:
I think she does remember her grandmother, especially if they saw a lot
of
each other and were close.

They definitely were close. We lived only about a mile from my in-
laws until just a few weeks before MIL passed away (at which point we
moved about 250 miles away). MIL and FIL spent a huge amount of time
with my kids, especially DD, and they have often credited DD as the
reason MIL fought as long and hard as she did. DD had plenty of
experiences from which to draw these feelings and memories -- I just
didn't think children that little retained memories for very long at
all.

When she talks about her grandmother, it's important that you also talk
about grandma, rather than try to change the subject or just try to stop
the
tears. Acknowledge that you and Daddy miss Grandma too. Reminisce about
grandma and the happy times they shared may help her out of the sad
memories
of losing grandma and keep her in happier memories. Perhaps remind her
that
Grandma was a happy Grandma, and wouldn't want to think that DD was so
sad
about her. Grandma would want her to smile, or tell a joke, or draw a
beautiful picture.

We don't typically just try and shush or distract her. We talk about
how it is sad that Grandma is gone but that she doesn't hurt anymore
and she's happy now, but we haven't tried telling her what Grandma
would like or want -- I'm definitely going to try that one. Thanks
for the suggestion.

Also, if you believe in Heaven or something similar, it
might comfort her to know that Grandma is in Heaven looking down on her,
or
Grandma is her guardian angel, always watching over and protecting her.
Grandma is in her heart, in your heart, and in Daddy's heart, and will
always be near. That sort of thing. Ask her to draw Grandma in Heaven,
or
as an angel. Post the pictures on the wall.

Also very good ideas.

She's processing it, and it's a lot to process. Even for adults, death
is a
lot to process. It could well be that she thought her Grandma would come
back at some point, not understanding that death is permanent, so is just
coming to terms with the fact that Grandma is really gone.

You know, I never thought of that, but you're right... for a long
time, she would say that Grandma died but she was coming back.
Sometimes she'd even tell me that Grandma was going to be a baby again
and would grow in my tummy. She could very well just now be coming to
terms with the loss.

Hugs to your sweet DD.

Thanks, Jamie. )

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

"carlye" wrote in message
oups.com...
On Oct 12, 12:22 pm, "Welches"
wrote:
It's normal for #1. When my nephew died she was really upset, and she
would
suddenly burst into tears about 6 months afterwards when something
reminded
her. And she'd never met him.

That's good to know, Debbie. I admit I've been afraid to bring this
up to friends and family because I feared everyone would tell me to
bring her to a child psychologist. I am sorry for your DD, but I am
glad to know my DD isn't the only little one who has struggled in this
way.

Let her talk. Maybe find her something that she could have of grandma's
or a
photo of them together for her to keep. I know #1 was much comforted
after
great-grandma died when she inherited a soft toy.

Yeah, she's got a few things that Grandma left for her. She likes
those things. One particular item, a ceramic Norwegian figurine, she
says IS grandma. She tells everyone that that's her grandma, and she
talks to it, etc. She has started also crediting Grandma with giving
her EVERYTHING. All of her birthday presents, for example, though
handed to her by other friends and family, she says are from Grandma.
Just last night, she proudly showed me the bunkbed DH and I bought and
assembled a week ago and said, "Look what my grandma got for me!" I
guess she's just trying to hang on. And I understand that.

Thanks for the reassurance.


My gut reaction would be to gently correct her about that stuff -- "No
sweetie, that figurine isn't grandma, but she loved it and gave it to you.
Wasn't that sweet? Now every time we look at it, we think of Grandma." or
"Actually, DD, Mommy and Daddy gave you this bunk bed, but I bet Grandma
would have loved to come have a sleep over with you in it!"

At the same time, there are probably some comments that you should just let
slide. But they also might be her way of wanting to talk about Grandma, so
to gently correct her and slide over to a Grandma conversation could work
well.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

Check out the family -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_Guest1, Password:
guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

On Oct 12, 2:50 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote:

In regards to the "Grandma was going to be a baby again," maybe she knows
something that we don't? : )


If only! The first time she said that, I immediately went out and
bought an HPT. The negative result made me realize I was being more
than a little silly, but that girl's intuition never ceases to amaze
me -- I couldn't rule out that she'd perceived something that hadn't
become obvious even to me yet.

Thanks again for all your help and advice.

-Carlye
DD 9-29-04
DS 6-2-06

"carlye" wrote in message
oups.com...
On Oct 12, 2:50 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote:

In regards to the "Grandma was going to be a baby again," maybe she knows
something that we don't? : )


If only! The first time she said that, I immediately went out and
bought an HPT. The negative result made me realize I was being more
than a little silly, but that girl's intuition never ceases to amaze
me -- I couldn't rule out that she'd perceived something that hadn't
become obvious even to me yet.

Thanks again for all your help and advice.


I wasn't talking about her knowing you were pregnant before you did, I was
talking about reincarnation... after all, she was just up in the "waiting
room" where babies souls hang out before they are born pretty recently,
maybe she is remembering something? : )
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

Check out the family -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_Guest1, Password:
guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password