What to do next

In article , ColoradoSkiBum
says...

Now follow that scenario out all the way. We make an appointment for him
with a therapist, say a month from now (if we're lucky). We pay the
therapist approximately $100 for this first visit. He goest to this
therapist, say, 5 more times? For a total of 6 visits, or $600. Then
we/he/the therapist decides that they aren't "clicking" or he won't open up
and talk, like his last therapist decided (after 11 visits--you do the
math). Now we're out $600 and have to start over with a *different*
therapist. We don't have that kind of cash lying around.

Fortunately he will be changing schools very soon. We finally have a
meeting set up for this coming Monday, a full-on IEP meeting with the person
from the district and people from the new school. There is a very strong
theraputic angle at the new school; it's not quite a mental health facility
(that would be one more step down), but it's pretty close. We're also going
to start over with Kaiser--even though their angle is more of a "family
counseling" idea, I think it might be a nice addition to what he'll be
getting every day at his new school.

Since his family history has to be at least part of the problem, woudln't family
counselling be part of the solution?

Banty

If you've been following the whole sad saga, it's apparent that the OP has
been using Usenet as a virtual paper trail he/she can point to and say "see,
I TRIED", when the kid finally does something drastic and gets sent away. If
they can afford to "go out frequently" and take biking trips through France,
they could afford to get this child the proper help.


"Bruce and Jeanne" wrote in message
...
Barbara Bomberger wrote:

On 16 Nov 2003 06:11:52 GMT, Noreen Cooper
wrote:

ColoradoSkiBum wrote:

: Now follow that scenario out all the way. We make an appointment for
him
: with a therapist, say a month from now (if we're lucky). We pay the
: therapist approximately $100 for this first visit. He goest to this
: therapist, say, 5 more times? For a total of 6 visits, or $600.
Then
: we/he/the therapist decides that they aren't "clicking" or he won't
open up
: and talk, like his last therapist decided (after 11 visits--you do
the
: math). Now we're out $600 and have to start over with a *different*
: therapist. We don't have that kind of cash lying around.

I've been following this thread with great interest but I'll need to
excuse myself from the conversation now. I still maintain the
seriousness
of your SS's past will only be resolved with long term therapy. I wish
you the best in finding a solution to your challenges with him.

I tend to agree. I dont want this to turn into a flame, but you need
to decide how important this is to you. To me, it would be of the
most import, and of other costs had to be cut drastically I would (and
have) done so.How important is this to you. To me it was the most
important thing. It was a struggle, but it was something that has to
be done. With all due respect, you really seem to be into the excuse
part. there will not be easy, cheap or quick solutions here. You
will have to spend as much time and effort into the repair that the
damage took originally. Othewise you might as well throw him away.


No offense but I think the last sentence could have gone
unsaid/unwritten. I've also been following the thread and while therapy
seems like the best thing to me as well, I don't get the sense the SS is
a "throw-away" child to this family. This is a struggle and support is
needed, not throw away lines.

Jeanne

I will be thinking of your son.

Barb
Noreen

AmyT wrote:

: If you've been following the whole sad saga, it's apparent that the OP has
: been using Usenet as a virtual paper trail he/she can point to and say "see,
: I TRIED", when the kid finally does something drastic and gets sent away. If
: they can afford to "go out frequently" and take biking trips through France,
: they could afford to get this child the proper help.

(sigh) This is what I gathered as well. Abandoning two small children to
an unstable mother and having no contact for several years isn't going to
magically get undone by switching schools.

Time to pay the piper and if they don't, oh well, let's hope he doesn't
make his parents infamous.

Noreen

Banty wrote in message ...
In article , ColoradoSkiBum
says...

Now follow that scenario out all the way. We make an appointment for him
with a therapist, say a month from now (if we're lucky). We pay the
therapist approximately $100 for this first visit. He goest to this
therapist, say, 5 more times? For a total of 6 visits, or $600. Then
we/he/the therapist decides that they aren't "clicking" or he won't open up
and talk, like his last therapist decided (after 11 visits--you do the
math). Now we're out $600 and have to start over with a *different*
therapist. We don't have that kind of cash lying around.

Fortunately he will be changing schools very soon. We finally have a
meeting set up for this coming Monday, a full-on IEP meeting with the person
from the district and people from the new school. There is a very strong
theraputic angle at the new school; it's not quite a mental health facility
(that would be one more step down), but it's pretty close. We're also going
to start over with Kaiser--even though their angle is more of a "family
counseling" idea, I think it might be a nice addition to what he'll be
getting every day at his new school.

Since his family history has to be at least part of the problem, woudln't family
counselling be part of the solution?

IME, every theraputic school I've ever known of or have been involved
in requires family therapy as part of the curriculua. It's a
requirement that is so strongly regulated at one particular school I'm
very familiar with, that if a parent refuses to be involved, the
school can and will remove the child from the program. Theraputic
schools are there to help the entire family cope. They WANT the child
to get better, they want the family dynamics to improve.

I'm sorry, but I think several of you are being really tough on a
person without really knowing what she's going through. Unless you
have lived in her shoes, you don't really know how you're going to
react. From my experince, therapy does work with *some* kids, but with
many other kids, they are overmedicated and dumped into residential
settings that are inappropritate. Therapy, while vitally important to
a child in trouble, is NOT a panecea, and it often fails because some
kids have issues that go well beyond the expertise of a counselor. We
all know 'therapists' who are in it because they're so screwed up
themselves they figure they'll learn enough to undertand and solve
their own problems. We all know therapists with kids who are more
screwed up than our own. They're not the end all and be all of making
things right. Some are good, others stink.

Marjorie

Marjorie

Banty

On Sun, 16 Nov 2003 18:57:09 GMT, "AmyT" wrote:

If you've been following the whole sad saga, it's apparent that the OP has
been using Usenet as a virtual paper trail he/she can point to and say "see,
I TRIED", when the kid finally does something drastic and gets sent away. If
they can afford to "go out frequently" and take biking trips through France,
they could afford to get this child the proper help.

This is my take as well. Lets see, dad left, leaving children with
mom for indefiinite period of time. Dad and stepmom finally take
responsibilitliy of two children. I would expect it to take as long to
correct the problem as to make it and they want an instant solution.

And to Majorie, yes, I have been there, which is why I have made all
the comments i have.

She has stated more than once that they go out frequesntly and
described family vacations overseas and so on. Sometimes one has to
pay for past mistakes. In this case, the finacial cost may be
uncomfortable for awhile. Thats the way it is. and that seems,
frankly, to be the primary issue here. I say again. figure in the
cost as a fixed expense, just like a mortage and then cut expenses
elsewhere. And yes, if the first thereapist doesnt work, go to
another..........................and anohter.

The OP seems to be looking for an excuse, or for validation for the
decision she is making. I can see sending a child away only when
every option has been taken. I dont see that as happening here.

Parenting is tough, often not fun, often time consuming and
frustrating. especially when one has been an absent parent for years
and then jumps in.

barb


"Bruce and Jeanne" wrote in message
...
Barbara Bomberger wrote:

On 16 Nov 2003 06:11:52 GMT, Noreen Cooper
wrote:

ColoradoSkiBum wrote:

: Now follow that scenario out all the way. We make an appointment for
him
: with a therapist, say a month from now (if we're lucky). We pay the
: therapist approximately $100 for this first visit. He goest to this
: therapist, say, 5 more times? For a total of 6 visits, or $600.
Then
: we/he/the therapist decides that they aren't "clicking" or he won't
open up
: and talk, like his last therapist decided (after 11 visits--you do
the
: math). Now we're out $600 and have to start over with a *different*
: therapist. We don't have that kind of cash lying around.

I've been following this thread with great interest but I'll need to
excuse myself from the conversation now. I still maintain the
seriousness
of your SS's past will only be resolved with long term therapy. I wish
you the best in finding a solution to your challenges with him.

I tend to agree. I dont want this to turn into a flame, but you need
to decide how important this is to you. To me, it would be of the
most import, and of other costs had to be cut drastically I would (and
have) done so.How important is this to you. To me it was the most
important thing. It was a struggle, but it was something that has to
be done. With all due respect, you really seem to be into the excuse
part. there will not be easy, cheap or quick solutions here. You
will have to spend as much time and effort into the repair that the
damage took originally. Othewise you might as well throw him away.


No offense but I think the last sentence could have gone
unsaid/unwritten. I've also been following the thread and while therapy
seems like the best thing to me as well, I don't get the sense the SS is
a "throw-away" child to this family. This is a struggle and support is
needed, not throw away lines.

Jeanne

I will be thinking of your son.

Barb
Noreen

: She has stated more than once that they go out frequesntly and
: described family vacations overseas and so on.

Family vacations overseas? Please. The closest I've ever been is when we
went to Canada the year before last. A 2-week *camping* vacation, because
camping is *cheap.* Don't put words into my mouth that I didn't say.
--
ColoradoSkiBum

: If
: they can afford to "go out frequently" and take biking trips through
France

Bike trips through France? Cool! Did we like it? You'll have to let me
know.
--
ColoradoSkiBum

: Since his family history has to be at least part of the problem,
woudln't family
: counselling be part of the solution?
:
: IME, every theraputic school I've ever known of or have been involved
: in requires family therapy as part of the curriculua. It's a
: requirement that is so strongly regulated at one particular school I'm
: very familiar with, that if a parent refuses to be involved, the
: school can and will remove the child from the program. Theraputic
: schools are there to help the entire family cope. They WANT the child
: to get better, they want the family dynamics to improve.

That is the case here as well. The new school requires weekly meetings with
the parents. His current SIED teacher already told me that one of the kids
she had sent there was withdrawn after a couple of months because the
parents repeatedly missed scheduled meetings with the school.

I do think that "family" therapy is a big component here, but certainly not
the only component. I think my SS has some issues that he has to work out
on his own, with the help of a therapist, also. I know how I was at that
age: there were a *lot* of things I would not have said in front of my
parents. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm sensing that it is the same for him.
There are many times when "things happen" and he will not talk to us about
them, almost like he's too embarassed. So I think it's important that he
has a lot of *one on one* time with the therapist.


:
: I'm sorry, but I think several of you are being really tough on a
: person without really knowing what she's going through.


Thank you, I appreciate that. It's really easy to judge others, isn't it?
--
ColoradoSkiBum

"Noreen Cooper" wrote in message
...
: ColoradoSkiBum wrote:
:
: : Now follow that scenario out all the way. We make an appointment for
him
: : with a therapist, say a month from now (if we're lucky). We pay the
: : therapist approximately $100 for this first visit. He goest to this
: : therapist, say, 5 more times? For a total of 6 visits, or $600. Then
: : we/he/the therapist decides that they aren't "clicking" or he won't open
up
: : and talk, like his last therapist decided (after 11 visits--you do the
: : math). Now we're out $600 and have to start over with a *different*
: : therapist. We don't have that kind of cash lying around.
:
: I've been following this thread with great interest but I'll need to
: excuse myself from the conversation now. I still maintain the seriousness
: of your SS's past will only be resolved with long term therapy. I wish
: you the best in finding a solution to your challenges with him.
:
: Noreen

I don't disagree with you. Reality sucks, doesn't it?
--
ColoradoSkiBum

: Othewise you might as well throw him away.
:
:
: No offense but I think the last sentence could have gone
: unsaid/unwritten. I've also been following the thread and while therapy
: seems like the best thing to me as well, I don't get the sense the SS is
: a "throw-away" child to this family. This is a struggle and support is
: needed, not throw away lines.


Of course he isn't. If he was a "throw-away" child, we'd send him back to
Florida to live with his mother. Then *we* wouldn't have a problem anymore,
would we?
--
ColoradoSkiBum