What to do next

: If you've been following the whole sad saga, it's apparent that the OP has
: been using Usenet as a virtual paper trail he/she can point to and say
"see,
: I TRIED", when the kid finally does something drastic and gets sent away.
If
: they can afford to "go out frequently"

BTW, what exactly do you think "go out frequently" means? I have an old
high school friends who lives in Pueblo--we go down there about once a month
to visit. It costs all of about $5 in gas. Whoop-de-doo. Maybe twice a
month we meet some friends at one of the local bars and buy $10 worth of
drinks. How much therapy will that buy?

Like many people, we are living paycheck-to-paycheck. So, since you seem to
have all the answers, I'll let you decide which one we should give up:
rent?
car insurance?
electricity?
car payment?
groceries?
telephone?
--
ColoradoSkiBum

: Since his family history has to be at least part of the problem, woudln't
family
: counselling be part of the solution?

Yes, I think it is, but only part--and without the individual component I
don't think "family" therapy would go anywhere. That would likely turn into
3 adults talking *at* him. He needs a forum where he can talk about *his*
feelings, without having all of us adults present. He's actually had some
really in-depth conversations with one of the paras in his current class
(the one he assaulted, that got him suspended for 5 days), so he *is*
capable of opening up to the right person. But when he gets into a
situation where there are several adults, he just completely shuts down, and
puts that wall up and won't say anything at all.

So, to answer your question: I do think family therapy is part of this whole
puzzle, and now that he's going to be going to the "theraputic" school (for
lack of a better term), I think it can have an impact.

I think I've said before, maybe not in this group but in another, that he
needs to be *completely* torn down. He needs to lose *all* control and torn
down so he can start to rebuild himself as the person he wants to be. He is
not happy with who he is, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He needs
to have a complete breakdown event. To quote Pink Floyd: Tear down the
wall! But that is not going to happen in front of his parents, or his
friend/s--he feels he has too much at stake there, too much to lose by
exposing himself (if you will) to us. So that tearing down is not likely to
happen in a "family therapy" setting, it would be tooooooo, too painful for
him, and way too risky.
--
ColoradoSkiBum

In article , ColoradoSkiBum
says...

: Since his family history has to be at least part of the problem,
woudln't family
: counselling be part of the solution?
:
: IME, every theraputic school I've ever known of or have been involved
: in requires family therapy as part of the curriculua. It's a
: requirement that is so strongly regulated at one particular school I'm
: very familiar with, that if a parent refuses to be involved, the
: school can and will remove the child from the program. Theraputic
: schools are there to help the entire family cope. They WANT the child
: to get better, they want the family dynamics to improve.

That is the case here as well. The new school requires weekly meetings with
the parents. His current SIED teacher already told me that one of the kids
she had sent there was withdrawn after a couple of months because the
parents repeatedly missed scheduled meetings with the school.

I do think that "family" therapy is a big component here, but certainly not
the only component. I think my SS has some issues that he has to work out
on his own, with the help of a therapist, also. I know how I was at that
age: there were a *lot* of things I would not have said in front of my
parents. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm sensing that it is the same for him.
There are many times when "things happen" and he will not talk to us about
them, almost like he's too embarassed. So I think it's important that he
has a lot of *one on one* time with the therapist.

You hope that this is just that he has to fix himself or be fixed, like he's a
misfiring engine.

But he's living with his Dad, who left him with an incompetent parent to move
far away.

But he's living with *you*, the reason why Dad moved far away.

As much as you'd like to compartmentalize everything, that will have to be dealt
with. Perhaps it's that adolescent reticence that's saved you from facing this
thus far.

Banty

In article , ColoradoSkiBum
says...

: Since his family history has to be at least part of the problem, woudln't
family
: counselling be part of the solution?

Yes, I think it is, but only part--and without the individual component I
don't think "family" therapy would go anywhere. That would likely turn into
3 adults talking *at* him.

Newsflash: The necessary family therapy won't necessarily be about him.

Banty

"Banty" wrote in message
...
: In article , ColoradoSkiBum
: says...
:
: : Since his family history has to be at least part of the problem,
woudln't
: family
: : counselling be part of the solution?
:
: Yes, I think it is, but only part--and without the individual component I
: don't think "family" therapy would go anywhere. That would likely turn
into
: 3 adults talking *at* him.
:
: Newsflash: The necessary family therapy won't necessarily be about him.

Well, perhaps you're right. We'll see.
--
ColoradoSkiBum

: I do think that "family" therapy is a big component here, but certainly
not
: the only component. I think my SS has some issues that he has to work
out
: on his own, with the help of a therapist, also. I know how I was at that
: age: there were a *lot* of things I would not have said in front of my
: parents. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm sensing that it is the same for him.
: There are many times when "things happen" and he will not talk to us
about
: them, almost like he's too embarassed. So I think it's important that he
: has a lot of *one on one* time with the therapist.
:
: You hope that this is just that he has to fix himself or be fixed, like
he's a
: misfiring engine.
:
: But he's living with his Dad, who left him with an incompetent parent to
move
: far away.
:
: But he's living with *you*, the reason why Dad moved far away.
:
: As much as you'd like to compartmentalize everything, that will have to be
dealt
: with. Perhaps it's that adolescent reticence that's saved you from facing
this
: thus far.

You could very well be right. But the fact of the matter is, he *idolizes*
his father. I don't know why--his dad isn't perfect by any means--but in
his mind his dad can do no wrong. So what does that mean for family
therapy? Does it mean that, if he does have deep-seated emotions about his
dad moving away 6 years ago, that he will be less likely to talk about those
feelings in front of his dad? Or if there's something about his home life
now that he doesn't like, will he be less likely to talk about those things
in front of his dad and me? I am not an adolescent psychologist, so I can't
really answer those questions. I just know that when I was a teenager, it
would have been impossible to get me to say anything negative about my
parents *in front of them.*
--
ColoradoSkiBum

In article ,
ColoradoSkiBum wrote:

Like many people, we are living paycheck-to-paycheck. So, since you seem to
have all the answers, I'll let you decide which one we should give up:
rent?
car insurance?
electricity?
car payment?
groceries?
telephone?

If you want a serious reply, you could probably save money in all of these
areas. I'd be inclined to start with the car. I don't know your situation
and I'm sure you'll say that you couldn't possibly get to work and/or other
obligations without your car(s) but most people can get along without a car
if they are creative and willing to give up flexibility.

Another option would be one or both of you getting an additional job on
the side to bring in enough extra income.

I don't know if therapy is what your SS needs, and I'm not sure you're
convinced of this either, but if you do believe that this is what he
needs, then you do what you have to do to make it happen.

You were looking into military school -- how were you thinking of paying
for that? (Even if it turns out you couldn't afford military school once
you found out how much it would be, you must have had some idea that you
could afford to pay something for school somehow if you bothered looking into
it at all....)

Good luck,

--Robyn

In article , ColoradoSkiBum
says...

: I do think that "family" therapy is a big component here, but certainly
not
: the only component. I think my SS has some issues that he has to work
out
: on his own, with the help of a therapist, also. I know how I was at that
: age: there were a *lot* of things I would not have said in front of my
: parents. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm sensing that it is the same for him.
: There are many times when "things happen" and he will not talk to us
about
: them, almost like he's too embarassed. So I think it's important that he
: has a lot of *one on one* time with the therapist.
:
: You hope that this is just that he has to fix himself or be fixed, like
he's a
: misfiring engine.
:
: But he's living with his Dad, who left him with an incompetent parent to
move
: far away.
:
: But he's living with *you*, the reason why Dad moved far away.
:
: As much as you'd like to compartmentalize everything, that will have to be
dealt
: with. Perhaps it's that adolescent reticence that's saved you from facing
this
: thus far.

You could very well be right. But the fact of the matter is, he *idolizes*
his father. I don't know why--his dad isn't perfect by any means--but in
his mind his dad can do no wrong. So what does that mean for family
therapy? Does it mean that, if he does have deep-seated emotions about his
dad moving away 6 years ago, that he will be less likely to talk about those
feelings in front of his dad? Or if there's something about his home life
now that he doesn't like, will he be less likely to talk about those things
in front of his dad and me? I am not an adolescent psychologist, so I can't
really answer those questions. I just know that when I was a teenager, it
would have been impossible to get me to say anything negative about my
parents *in front of them.*

Idolization and anger can go hand in hand. All the more so, since his idolized
father is what he didn't get for years on end.

You said yourself that there may be some kind of breakdown to happen here. You
think it's him, to be built up again. But on the other hand you sure do seem to
hold tight to this idea that he'll hold on to not wanting to say anything around
you, he'll hold onto his adolescent reticence in family therapy, so you wave it
off as not doing much good. To us you predict no breakdown there. Awful quick
to write that off, aren't you?

Let me note the clothes off the emperor; let me point to the elephant in the
room: His Dad left him. Far behind. For YOU. YOU were far away. Very likely
how he sees it deep down (and truly, in a concrete sense it's true ) YOU YOU YOU
took his father away. Not in every sense, but in a sense that's been very real
and impactful to that boy. Understand??

Family therapy is *part* of this, individual therapy is *part* of this. You've
been avoiding my and others' point about this, and keeping the focus of this
thread best you can to the boy (saying family therapy will be about adults
yelling at *him* - I think it's yelling in another direction you're not ready
for) and throwing a white tablecloth over his father too saying 'but he idolizes
him'. But from this standpoint it's getting clearer and clearer your dog in
this fight is that you don't want to face up *yourself* as to your own role in
his deprivation, from his POV. Family therapy won't necessarily be pretty, but
it's necessary.

If *he* don't bring it up, and you really want to do something more than play
Hero Helping Stepmom, YOU bring it up.

And, yes, his bio-mom apparently sucked. And, yes, it's his Dad who did the
moving. But you didn't move to his Dad so he can stay close to his kids, did
you. So stop pretending herioc helping nonchalance, and get in there too if you
want to help this boy.

Banty

ColoradoSkiBum wrote:

: You could very well be right. But the fact of the matter is, he *idolizes*
: his father. I don't know why--his dad isn't perfect by any means--but in
: his mind his dad can do no wrong.

Idolization is simply a defense which masks hurt and anger he is either
incapable of feeling towards his father right now or is fearful of feeling
lest he rock the boat and be sent back to live with his mother. The
stronger the idolization, the deeper the hurt. Family therapy will
hopefully provide him with a safe place to express his true feelings so he
no longer needs to fall into this form of overcompensation.

My guess is he is fearful that if he acts out at home he will be sent back
to his mother. That is why he is communicating the intensity of his inner
tornado by acting out in school. He is screaming out he needs help but in
a way that won't endanger his place in your home.

Noreen

In article , Robyn Kozierok says...

In article ,
ColoradoSkiBum wrote:

Like many people, we are living paycheck-to-paycheck. So, since you seem to
have all the answers, I'll let you decide which one we should give up:
rent?
car insurance?
electricity?
car payment?
groceries?
telephone?

If you want a serious reply, you could probably save money in all of these
areas. I'd be inclined to start with the car. I don't know your situation
and I'm sure you'll say that you couldn't possibly get to work and/or other
obligations without your car(s) but most people can get along without a car
if they are creative and willing to give up flexibility.

Another option would be one or both of you getting an additional job on
the side to bring in enough extra income.


She could also change her id to ,
if you know what I mean.

Banty