Using Ferber method in everyday life

I am a new SAH mom and need advice. I finally have a baby after many
years of miscarriage. This baby is the love of my life. In the eyes
of my mom and friends, I have 'spoiled' the baby because I never let
him cry. He just seems like a very happy, calm baby 24/7.

Due to a family crisis - I can no longer lavish my baby with as much
time and attention as he is accustomed.

He is almost 5 months old and on some occassions, as soon as I put
him down, and he sees me walk away (still within his vision at all
times) he crys. If I don't pick him up, the cry turns into the an
ear-piercing, red-faced, scream that wont stop until I hold him. I
can be right in front of him touching him and he won't stop crying.
It's so loud and distressing I wonder what my neighbors must be
thinking!

Mind you, he does play by himself with his toys and can entertain
himself for quite some time, but other times he shifts into
'high-needs mode'. I have a baby carrier, but I it isn't always
practical, especially if I'm cooking.

My friend suggested the Ferber method, but altering it to fit a
daytime situation. Yeah, that lasted about 5 minutes. Because I am
not used to seeing/hearing my baby scream-I broke down after a few
minutes and picked him up. How can I not? As I held him against me,
I had to hear him take those quivering intakes of air that babies do
when they've been crying really hard. It broke my heart to hear him
do that for 20 minutes. He's never done that before.

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems? If I
somehow find it in my heart to let him cry for longer duratons, can
that make him distrust me? I'm really confused.

Nightime there is no problem as baby sleeps just fine in his crib.
I'd like to hear any suggestions.

Wimpy Mom

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems?

Quite the opposite, actually. Babies whose need for touch, comfort, and
attention from their mother (and/or other primary caregivers) are NOT met early
on are MORE likely to be clingy and shy later, because they are not as secure
in their mother's love. Think about it -- isn't it logical that a child would
cling that much harder to something he isn't sure will be there when he wants
it?

Hold him as much as he wants now, and you will most likely see him blossom into
a social and independent cuss of a toddler. ;-) At 5 months, he's still a bit
too young for Ferberization anyway, even if you do believe in its benefits.

As far as how to get things done that can't be done while holding him, there
are a number of things to try. Your carrier or sling is a valuable tool; use
it as much as you can. Try a backpack or other carrier that can be worn on
your back, which you can use in many situations where a front carrier would not
work. Try putting your baby in a high chair in the kitchen near you while you
cook; being higher and closer to you, and hearing you talk to him about what
you're doing, may keep him content much longer than if you put him down in
another room and walked away. Some moms swear by swings, exersaucers, or Baby
Einstein videos.

Also, if possible, get some help! Have a sympathetic friend come over or hire
a neighborhood pre-teen to hold and play with the baby for an hour or two. Get
takeout instead of cooking, hire a housecleaner, whatever it takes until you
get through your family crisis. Also make sure that Dad (assuming he is in the
picture) is on the same page with you when it comes to not letting your baby
cry; he should be picking up as much of the slack as possible while you are
dealing with the crisis.

Holly
Mom to Camden, 2.5 yrs

wrote in message ...
I am a new SAH mom and need advice. I finally have a baby after many
years of miscarriage. This baby is the love of my life. In the eyes
of my mom and friends, I have 'spoiled' the baby because I never let
him cry. He just seems like a very happy, calm baby 24/7.

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems? If I
somehow find it in my heart to let him cry for longer duratons, can
that make him distrust me? I'm really confused.

Nightime there is no problem as baby sleeps just fine in his crib.
I'd like to hear any suggestions.

My suggestion is to not do this. There isn't anything to be gained
by letting a baby cry away, no matter what your family thinks.


P. Tierney

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems?

Quite the opposite, actually. Babies whose need for touch, comfort, and
attention from their mother (and/or other primary caregivers) are NOT met early
on are MORE likely to be clingy and shy later, because they are not as secure
in their mother's love.

Hear, hear! My mother broke her hip less than a year after I was born and was
not able to be available for me for quite some time after that. And Dad worked
very hard, and long hours, to provide a good home for us. I was raised by,
shall we say, professional caregivers (although I don't know if that was the
term in the 1960's). To this day I'm not especially, or at least not
immediately, trusting of most people, and have a severe aversion to physical
contact. I've talked it out any number of times but it hasn't changed the
situation, and I've learned to live with it. But some part of my mond does
wonder -- is it because I did not receive much in the way of physical attention
as a very young child?

In article ,
says...

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems?

A clingy baby is not "fixed" by letting him scream. A clingy baby is
clingy because he needs more reassurance than the average child, not
less. There's really not a lot you can do except to have patience.
(My three year old was like this, and he's out growing it, but
VEEERRRYYY SSLLLOOWWWLLLYY.) But, as clingy as he can and could be,
and despite the fact that just about no one could hold him but me
when he was an infant, he's really quite outgoing and adventurous
now.

Nightime there is no problem as baby sleeps just fine in his crib.
I'd like to hear any suggestions.

Do you have a baby sling? Is he content to stay in it while you do
your necessary tasks?

Michelle
Flutist

--
In my heart. By my side.
Never apart. AP with Pride!
Katrina Marie (10/19/96)
Xander Ryan (09/22/98 - 02/23/99)
Gareth Xander (07/17/00) Zachary Mitchell
Theona Alexis (06/03/03) (01/12/94, fostered 09/05/01 - 07/23/03)

Holly has given you some good suggestions, so I won't repeat them. I do,
however, want to let you know that if you and your family is under stress,
then the baby is going to pick up on that. Holding him as much as you can
and tending to his needs will reassure him that he is loved and that
everything will be okay. As everyone has mentioned, the more you hold him
and tend to his needs immediately, the more he is not going to be clingy
with social problems.

Some things that I have done over the years to help occupy baby while I am
trying to do something a

Putting a bowl or cup of water on his high chair and let him make a mess,
while you cook dinner. Tupperware bowls and lids, measuring cups, spoons are
all good things to keep him occupied. I also used a walker (under
supervision, never had a problem) even a play pen for short amounts of time,
with some favorite toys to play with. Good luck and I hope your family
situation improves. Your baby is too young to Ferberize and I am not certain
would help under these conditions.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

wrote in message ...
I am a new SAH mom and need advice. I finally have a baby after many
years of miscarriage. This baby is the love of my life. In the eyes
of my mom and friends, I have 'spoiled' the baby because I never let
him cry. He just seems like a very happy, calm baby 24/7.

Due to a family crisis - I can no longer lavish my baby with as much
time and attention as he is accustomed.

He is almost 5 months old and on some occassions, as soon as I put
him down, and he sees me walk away (still within his vision at all
times) he crys. If I don't pick him up, the cry turns into the an
ear-piercing, red-faced, scream that wont stop until I hold him. I
can be right in front of him touching him and he won't stop crying.
It's so loud and distressing I wonder what my neighbors must be
thinking!

Mind you, he does play by himself with his toys and can entertain
himself for quite some time, but other times he shifts into
'high-needs mode'. I have a baby carrier, but I it isn't always
practical, especially if I'm cooking.

My friend suggested the Ferber method, but altering it to fit a
daytime situation. Yeah, that lasted about 5 minutes. Because I am
not used to seeing/hearing my baby scream-I broke down after a few
minutes and picked him up. How can I not? As I held him against me,
I had to hear him take those quivering intakes of air that babies do
when they've been crying really hard. It broke my heart to hear him
do that for 20 minutes. He's never done that before.

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems? If I
somehow find it in my heart to let him cry for longer duratons, can
that make him distrust me? I'm really confused.

Nightime there is no problem as baby sleeps just fine in his crib.
I'd like to hear any suggestions.

Wimpy Mom

Ferber is a SLEEP specialist, and whatever you think about his
methods, he STARTS with babies 6 months and older - and your baby
isn't even 5 months. His method is also NOT about being able to leave
a baby alone during the day and not have them fuss.

I have three kids, and have lived through some pretty major stress
events during the time they were babies (deaths, illnesses, accidents,
etc. etc.). A young baby isn't a problem. You bring them along. You
stick them in a snuggly and cart them with you, you sit them in a baby
chair or swing where they can see the action. You put them on a
blanket on the floor near your feet with some toys. They are not much
trouble. They don't get to be a handful until they are mobile.

Kids come programmed to need to be near mom during the day, so you
just have to figure out a way to do that - shortly, if not already,
your baby will have the head control for a backpack carrier. I
actually preferred these since it left my hands free to cook, do
housework, gardening etc.

Mary G.

wrote:
If I don't pick him up, the cry turns into the an
ear-piercing, red-faced, scream that wont stop until I hold him.

I'm intimately familiar with this particular mode of communication :-)

I have a baby carrier, but I it isn't always
practical, especially if I'm cooking.

I had a backpack carrier with my second and now I am a true blue believer in
backpacks. If I ever have another I'm getting the best one money can buy
:-)

My friend suggested the Ferber method, but altering it to fit a
daytime situation.

I've read the book. It really isn't geared toward awake situations at all.
It is purely a sleep thing.

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems?

My first wouldn't play by himself until he was at least a year old. I held
him constantly...and when I wasn't dh or the sitter was. He was a very shy
toddler and has been transformed into a very social and talkative
preschooler. He still likes to be with and have physical closeness with his
parents. He always picks hanging out with one of us over playing with toys.
He is very normal when at preschool or when his cousins are over. He spends
significant amounts of time alone when he can be outside but not when he is
in the house.

If I
somehow find it in my heart to let him cry for longer duratons, can
that make him distrust me? I'm really confused.

I honestly don't think it would work but I also believe babies are resilient
and it takes more then 15 minutes or so of crying here and there to cause
any damage. My second son did indeed cry from time to time because
sometimes both children had needs and I can only do one thing at a time. He
is happy, joyful, outgoing and trusting.

Nightime there is no problem as baby sleeps just fine in his crib.

Well then I wouldn't rock the boat ;-) If you must do something (like
shower or eat or take care of someone else) the baby won't melt and your
relationship won't be marred forever if he cries. However, I see no value
in making him cry to teach him something, it just makes everyone - including
you - miserable!
--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

wrote:

Due to a family crisis - I can no longer lavish my baby with as much
time and attention as he is accustomed.

I'm not sure what you mean by this, and of course you're under no obligation
to share the details.
But is this family crisis making it impossible for you to hold the child?
Clearly you're physically in his presence, from what you've said. I'm not
sure why you can't just put him in a sling or front carrier.

I know it can be hard to feel like a positive force in your infant's life.
My husband died the day our son turned six months old. It was a hard time
for both my son and me. But leaving him alone to cry wouldn't have helped -
in fact, it would have done the opposite. In the midst of the upheaval of
our life, while picking up on my stress, he needed MORE comfort and
closeness. Denying him that would have taught him nothing but that his
mother wasn't available for him. Even if I couldn't be all cheerful and fun,
I could at least put him in his carrier so he could by physically close to
me.


He is almost 5 months old and on some occassions, as soon as I put
him down, and he sees me walk away (still within his vision at all
times) he crys. If I don't pick him up, the cry turns into the an
ear-piercing, red-faced, scream that wont stop until I hold him. I
can be right in front of him touching him and he won't stop crying.
It's so loud and distressing I wonder what my neighbors must be
thinking!

Then pick him up! He's a BABY. Babies don't get spoiled and they aren't
manipulating you. They're communicating their needs in the only way they
know how. How can it possibly be good for him to have his needs ignored?


I have a baby carrier, but I it isn't always
practical, especially if I'm cooking.


That's where you work around it. Make a sandwich. Order a pizza. Get a
backpack carrier as soon as his head control is good enough. Call a neighbor
or friend to come over and help.


If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems?

No, you're setting yourself up for a child who has a strong base of
emotional support and doesn't fear to venture away from his mother because
he has no doubt that she will be there when he needs her.

Even if there were any value to crying it out - which I doubt - he's too
young for it anyway. He doesn't even have a sense of object permanance yet.
And long crying spells are NOT good for babies. Their blood oxygen levels
drop.


If I
somehow find it in my heart to let him cry for longer duratons, can
that make him distrust me?

Yes. Of course. Think of it this way. He needs you. You ignore him. Would
*you* trust a person who did that to you?


--
iphigenia
www.tristyn.net
"i have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
i do not think that they will sing to me."

Listen: Do not beat yourself up about the fact that you cannot
*always* hold your baby, or otherwise make him happy, when he wants
you to. That is life and always has been for babies everywhere. Very
few women in the history of the world have had the kinds of luxurious
lives that enabled them to devote all their time to keeping their baby
happy.

HOWEVER, Ferber himself, I have no doubt, would tell you to hold your
baby when he needs you to, if you are able to. Any other course of
action results in misery all around. A 5-month-old is not going to
"learn" to do without being held; they are programmed to want to be
held, and they will shriek for it and be miserable without it. It is
only right to give them what they are simply programmed to want/need;
it doesn't make you a wimp! Do make every reasonable effort to arrange
your life so that the baby can be held as much as it takes to keep him
pretty happy. That's all you can do. . .

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing a family crisis. Perhaps if
you give us some details about how that is getting in the way of your
babycare, we could give you some ideas for keeping the baby happy even
while you cope with the crisis. (E.g., is someone ill and you need to
be visiting at a hospital a lot? Is the baby's dad suddenly not there
anymore and so you are having to cope all alone? Have you recently had
to take on work that prevents you from responding to the baby like you
used to?) Even without crises in our lives, many of us are very busy,
with older babies and other kids and other jobs to take care of in
addition to our infants, and many of us have found ways to cope that
we could share with you.

Do use your baby carrier to get things done while holding the baby
whenever that is practical? Do you have any other ways to keep him
happy even when he cannot be held? A bouncy seat? A vibrating seat? A
swing? A gymini? My youngest is 10 months old now (and still likes to
be held a lot, but she can have so much fun on the floor at my feet
now), but when she was younger, during times when I couldn't hold her,
I used to kind of transfer her from one fun spot to another, with
"holding sessions" in between. And thank god for naps.