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Using Ferber method in everyday life



 
 
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  #12  
Old October 23rd 03, 05:28 AM
Marion Baumgarten
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life

wrote:

I am a new SAH mom and need advice. I finally have a baby after many
years of miscarriage. This baby is the love of my life. In the eyes
of my mom and friends, I have 'spoiled' the baby because I never let
him cry. He just seems like a very happy, calm baby 24/7.

Due to a family crisis - I can no longer lavish my baby with as much
time and attention as he is accustomed.

He is almost 5 months old and on some occassions, as soon as I put
him down, and he sees me walk away (still within his vision at all
times) he crys. If I don't pick him up, the cry turns into the an
ear-piercing, red-faced, scream that wont stop until I hold him. I
can be right in front of him touching him and he won't stop crying.
It's so loud and distressing I wonder what my neighbors must be
thinking!

Mind you, he does play by himself with his toys and can entertain
himself for quite some time, but other times he shifts into
'high-needs mode'. I have a baby carrier, but I it isn't always
practical, especially if I'm cooking.


This is normal 5 month old behavior. I'm not as extreme as the other
posters. For example, I would a let a five month old cry (briefly) while
I went to the bathroom or threw a load of laundry in the washer or
whatever. Then I would pick up the child as soon as I returned and said
"See Mommy's back" Babies love peek a boo at this age and I think it
helps them get used to the idea that people leave and come back.

If you are at home, I often would throw together a casserole or crock
pot meal or do the cutting up of things while my children had their
afternnon nap- then cooking dinner during the "arsenic" hour was much
easier- just put the casserole in the oven. They also enjoyed being in
the high chair while I was cooking- they couldn't get hurt and were out
of the way, but enjoyed being near me.

Marion Baumgarten
  #14  
Old October 23rd 03, 02:54 PM
Ilse Witch
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life

wrote:
I am a new SAH mom and need advice. I finally have a baby after many
years of miscarriage. This baby is the love of my life. In the eyes
of my mom and friends, I have 'spoiled' the baby because I never let
him cry. He just seems like a very happy, calm baby 24/7.

Due to a family crisis - I can no longer lavish my baby with as much
time and attention as he is accustomed.

He is almost 5 months old.


First: you are in no way spoiling your baby. In this phase an infant
learns that an adult is always there for him, to provide what he needs
when he needs it. This makes it possible to develop into a trusting
and independent individual later in life. His crying is meant to get
your attention, and your body responds to it, forcing you to go and
give him what he asks for. There is a reason it works that way, and
IME it is better to give in than fight it.

A baby cries for a reason, which can be basic things like food or
a diaper change, but also just for a cuddle and some attention. He
doesn't understand that when you leave the room, you are still existing.
For him, you are wiped of the face of the earth when you are out of
sight. Imagine that feeling.

My suggestion is: buy a sling or bellycarrier to carry him along. I
carried DS literally everywhere and he could sleep or just play with
his hands all the while, and I would always be near when he needed
me. Some people may find this strange, but you can do whatever you
need to while carrying him. If you are breastfeeding, you can even
do that while he is in the sling, whithout others noticing.

--
-- I
mommy to DS (15m)
guardian of DH (32)
EDD 05/17/2004
War doesn't decide who's right, only who's left

  #15  
Old October 23rd 03, 03:20 PM
Ericka Kammerer
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life

Marion Baumgarten wrote:


This is normal 5 month old behavior. I'm not as extreme as the other
posters. For example, I would a let a five month old cry (briefly) while
I went to the bathroom or threw a load of laundry in the washer or
whatever. Then I would pick up the child as soon as I returned and said
"See Mommy's back" Babies love peek a boo at this age and I think it
helps them get used to the idea that people leave and come back.



Oh, I think this is perfectly fine too--even desirable.
I don't think one should manufacture errands, but there's no
reason that a 5mo can't handle the brief separations entailed
by normal daily activity and every reason why he should learn
to do so. But there's a world of difference between *that*
and insisting that a crying baby be ignored so that he won't
get spoiled.

Best wishes,
ERicka

  #16  
Old October 23rd 03, 03:21 PM
Ericka Kammerer
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life

Nikki wrote:


I had a backpack carrier with my second and now I am a true blue believer in
backpacks. If I ever have another I'm getting the best one money can buy
:-)



...at which point #3 will refuse to have anything to do
with it ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

  #17  
Old October 23rd 03, 10:17 PM
Joshua Levy
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life

wrote in message ...
I am a new SAH mom and need advice. I finally have a baby after many
years of miscarriage. This baby is the love of my life. In the eyes
of my mom and friends, I have 'spoiled' the baby because I never let
him cry. ...

Due to a family crisis - I can no longer lavish my baby with as much
time and attention as he is accustomed.

He is almost 5 months old and on some occassions, as soon as I put
him down, and he sees me walk away (still within his vision at all
times) he crys.
My friend suggested the Ferber method, but altering it to fit a
daytime situation.


I've never used the Ferber method, but I do have these thoughts:
1. If you are going to use the Ferber method, then read and use it,
not whatever your friend thinks is the Ferber method. Ferber has
published books and written magazine articles, so there is no need
to rely on third hand descriptions. Most importantly, Ferber is very
clear that there is a minimum age for his stuff to work, and I don't
think your baby has reached it. Secondly, Ferber is very clear
that his technique should only be used after other things have failed.
Since you haven't tried other things, I'd definately do that first.

Attachment parenting is extreme in one direction; Ferber is extreme in
the other direction. Personally, I'm a more middle of the road kind
of guy, and I would suggest trying middle of the road type solutions,
before trying exteme solutions. (If you had done that before, your
child may not have been so attached to you now, and you may have
avoided this situation.)

In particular, I would not think of your child as "spoiled" but as
"attached". Your child has learned that being picked up whenever he
wants is the natural state of things. Not being picked up is bad,
because it is different from the way things have always worked until
now. It's not that your baby is afraid of being left, it's that
the baby expects to be carried.

So the solution is to get her to expect different things, which you
can do little by little. For example, you could put your baby down
and if she cries, come back to her in a minute or two, and then hold
her. The next day come back after two or three minutes. The third
day come back after five minutes, etc. (This is sort of the opposite
of what you have tried so far.) Or you could pick up the crying baby
after a minute, but then put her down again. If she crys again, then
pick her up and hold her. The next day pick her up and put her down
twice before holding on to her, and so on.

The key thing is to slowly get your child used to not being held, in
the same way she is currently used to being held.

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems? If I
somehow find it in my heart to let him cry for longer duratons, can
that make him distrust me? I'm really confused.


Two quick comments on this last paragraph:
Your kid is already a "clingy child", that is why you posted your message!
As to the question of future social problems, I don't think anyone can
say, since all kids are different. But the "clingy child" has already
happened. As to your child distrusting you, that simply can't happen
because your child's brain hasn't developed enough to understand the
idea of 'trust'. At five months, I don't even think the baby can fulling
understand the concept that different people want different things.
Indeed, the whole idea of different people (ie. people not the baby) is
pretty new at this point.

I think the baby is crying because the baby expects to be held
whenever the baby cries, but that is not what is happening. The key
is to change what your child expects; the child will be just as happy
expecting something else, as long as it happens.

Joshua Levy
  #18  
Old October 24th 03, 12:34 AM
Michelle Podnar
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life


My DD was a very high needs infant, who is now a very independant little
toddler. She is way less clingy and needy than other kids her own age. I
never let her cry it out. If she need me, needed to be held, or nursed
etc... I was there. I made good use out of slings, and baby carriers, and
my arms are in great shape. The only time I let her get upset/frustrated
was when she was learning a new task, and I would intervene when she got
past the point of frustration and into being upset. DD sat at 4 1/2 months,
was crawling by 5 1/2, first words at 8 months and walking at 10 months, so
even though I still catered to her needs she still developed her
capabilities a little on the earlier side (I know that every child develops
on a different rate, but for the people who believe that you can't
contiuously hold a baby because it will delay them from walking, crawling
etc...)




--
Michelle P
Ava Marie July 14, 2002
wrote in message ...
I am a new SAH mom and need advice. I finally have a baby after many
years of miscarriage. This baby is the love of my life. In the eyes
of my mom and friends, I have 'spoiled' the baby because I never let
him cry. He just seems like a very happy, calm baby 24/7.

Due to a family crisis - I can no longer lavish my baby with as much
time and attention as he is accustomed.

He is almost 5 months old and on some occassions, as soon as I put
him down, and he sees me walk away (still within his vision at all
times) he crys. If I don't pick him up, the cry turns into the an
ear-piercing, red-faced, scream that wont stop until I hold him. I
can be right in front of him touching him and he won't stop crying.
It's so loud and distressing I wonder what my neighbors must be
thinking!

Mind you, he does play by himself with his toys and can entertain
himself for quite some time, but other times he shifts into
'high-needs mode'. I have a baby carrier, but I it isn't always
practical, especially if I'm cooking.

My friend suggested the Ferber method, but altering it to fit a
daytime situation. Yeah, that lasted about 5 minutes. Because I am
not used to seeing/hearing my baby scream-I broke down after a few
minutes and picked him up. How can I not? As I held him against me,
I had to hear him take those quivering intakes of air that babies do
when they've been crying really hard. It broke my heart to hear him
do that for 20 minutes. He's never done that before.

If I continue to pick my baby up, and not teach him how to 'cry it
out' & comfort himself during the day - am I setting myself up later
for a lot of problems, IE: clingy child with social problems? If I
somehow find it in my heart to let him cry for longer duratons, can
that make him distrust me? I'm really confused.

Nightime there is no problem as baby sleeps just fine in his crib.
I'd like to hear any suggestions.

Wimpy Mom




  #19  
Old October 24th 03, 04:14 AM
Marie
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life

On Wed, 22 Oct 2003 20:05:35 -0400, "Sue"
wrote:
Putting a bowl or cup of water on his high chair and let him make a mess,
while you cook dinner.


What would happen in my case is the bowl would just be dumped out
immediately.

Tupperware bowls and lids, measuring cups, spoons are
all good things to keep him occupied.


Bethany loves being given these things but she gets bored of them
quickly and I have to find new things to keep giving her. MIL gave her
a new toy, it has a tunnel with little balls that pop out of the
tunnel (air blows them out), well it's hard to explain but it actually
holds her attention!

I also used a walker (under
supervision, never had a problem) even a play pen for short amounts of time,


GASP!! ;o)

with some favorite toys to play with. Good luck and I hope your family
situation improves. Your baby is too young to Ferberize and I am not certain
would help under these conditions.


Marie
  #20  
Old October 24th 03, 06:12 AM
toypup
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Default Using Ferber method in everyday life


"Joshua Levy" wrote in message
om...
So the solution is to get her to expect different things, which you
can do little by little. For example, you could put your baby down
and if she cries, come back to her in a minute or two, and then hold
her. The next day come back after two or three minutes. The third
day come back after five minutes, etc. (This is sort of the opposite
of what you have tried so far.) Or you could pick up the crying baby
after a minute, but then put her down again. If she crys again, then
pick her up and hold her. The next day pick her up and put her down
twice before holding on to her, and so on.


I've never read Ferber, but isn't that pretty much the Ferber method for
sleep (leave them a little longer each day)?


 




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