Quick question about mom trying to control dad...

My husband is a pretty good dad. But he's not a perfect parent, like
me. (Joking...) One of our kids is 5 years old. Occasionally
our son will do something that needs reprimanding. When hubby doesn't
reprimand him exactly like I would, I get mad and "correct" hubby. My
worry is that my son's memories won't be differentiated, as in, "Mommy
was nice, but Daddy was cranky when I was growing up." He'll just
remember, "Sometimes my parents were nice, sometimes they weren't." I
worry that all my "work" of parenting can be undone by what Dad says.
I guess I could just get off my husband's back if I knew that hubby
being cranky won't "undo" all my stay-at-home mom work of trying not
to be cranky, reading the child development books, etc. Part of me
wants to be a control freak which makes me want to keep a tight reign
on hubby's interaction with 5 year old, so that few interactions are
"bad" ones. Part of me wants to go, hey, treat your kid however you
want, Dad...You'll reap what you sow. But will just Daddy reap what
he sows, or will Mommy end up reaping it, too, even though she didn't
sow it? So...How much control am I supposed to try to exert over
hubby's replies to son, etc? A little? None? Butt in? Butt out?
Thanks for any opinions! ---S.R.

"S.R." wrote in message
...
My husband is a pretty good dad. But he's not a perfect parent, like
me. (Joking...) One of our kids is 5 years old. Occasionally
our son will do something that needs reprimanding. When hubby doesn't
reprimand him exactly like I would, I get mad and "correct" hubby.

Don't "correct" your husband in front of your son. That is more damaging to
the parental united front than whatever it is you perceive your husband did
wrong.

My
worry is that my son's memories won't be differentiated, as in, "Mommy
was nice, but Daddy was cranky when I was growing up." He'll just
remember, "Sometimes my parents were nice, sometimes they weren't." I
worry that all my "work" of parenting can be undone by what Dad says.
I guess I could just get off my husband's back if I knew that hubby
being cranky won't "undo" all my stay-at-home mom work of trying not
to be cranky, reading the child development books, etc. Part of me
wants to be a control freak which makes me want to keep a tight reign
on hubby's interaction with 5 year old, so that few interactions are
"bad" ones. Part of me wants to go, hey, treat your kid however you
want, Dad...You'll reap what you sow. But will just Daddy reap what
he sows, or will Mommy end up reaping it, too, even though she didn't
sow it? So...How much control am I supposed to try to exert over
hubby's replies to son, etc? A little? None? Butt in? Butt out?
Thanks for any opinions! ---S.R.





IMO, it is better to get a common parenting approach together up front than
to nitpick your DH after the fact. Then you need open lines of communication
when EACH of you feels that the other is failing to live up to the commonly
adopted appraoch. It is inadvisable to assume that your approach is superior
until you and DH hash it out together.

S

In article ,
"S.R." wrote:

My husband is a pretty good dad. But he's not a perfect parent, like
me. (Joking...) One of our kids is 5 years old. Occasionally
our son will do something that needs reprimanding. When hubby doesn't
reprimand him exactly like I would, I get mad and "correct" hubby. My
worry is that my son's memories won't be differentiated, as in, "Mommy
was nice, but Daddy was cranky when I was growing up." He'll just
remember, "Sometimes my parents were nice, sometimes they weren't." I
worry that all my "work" of parenting can be undone by what Dad says.
I guess I could just get off my husband's back if I knew that hubby
being cranky won't "undo" all my stay-at-home mom work of trying not
to be cranky, reading the child development books, etc. Part of me
wants to be a control freak which makes me want to keep a tight reign
on hubby's interaction with 5 year old, so that few interactions are
"bad" ones. Part of me wants to go, hey, treat your kid however you
want, Dad...You'll reap what you sow. But will just Daddy reap what
he sows, or will Mommy end up reaping it, too, even though she didn't
sow it? So...How much control am I supposed to try to exert over
hubby's replies to son, etc? A little? None? Butt in? Butt out?
Thanks for any opinions! ---S.R.




Generally, you should never "correct" your spouse in front of the kids.
It's a real set up for the child to start using you against his other
parent.

Unless hubbie's reactions are downright horrid -- like he's hitting him
or belittling him -- I'd stay out of it. Kids differentiate. It's nice
if parents can be on the same track, but they aren't always. I'd only
butt in to protect the child -- if that's the issue, and you don't
protect your child from being hurt, then you will both reap what hubbie
sows.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

x-no-archive:yes
Nan wrote:

On Tue, 16 Sep 2003 18:36:42 GMT, "S.R."
wrote:

My husband is a pretty good dad. But he's not a perfect parent, like
me. (Joking...) One of our kids is 5 years old. Occasionally
our son will do something that needs reprimanding. When hubby doesn't
reprimand him exactly like I would, I get mad and "correct" hubby.

Stop this immediately!!! Let your husband correct the kids in his own
way unless he's being really abusive. Being grumpy is NOT a bad
thing if the child needs correction. As a matter of fact, if you try
to be nice when you don't feel nice it will be much more confusing and
upsetting than if you just went on and expressed your true feelings.

My
worry is that my son's memories won't be differentiated, as in, "Mommy
was nice, but Daddy was cranky when I was growing up." He'll just
remember, "Sometimes my parents were nice, sometimes they weren't." I
worry that all my "work" of parenting can be undone by what Dad says.
I guess I could just get off my husband's back if I knew that hubby
being cranky won't "undo" all my stay-at-home mom work of trying not
to be cranky, reading the child development books, etc. Part of me

You do NOT have to be the perfect mom. You CAN'T be the perfect mom.

My mom used to complain that she was always the 'bad guy' who had to
discipline us while our dad got to do the good stuff. IMHO the
children are smart enough to know who is doing a good job and who is
not. It goes way beyond whether a person is grumpy or not.

And IMHO the parent who tries to control everything is more likely to
be judged harshly than someone who gets a big grumpy occasionally.

wants to be a control freak which makes me want to keep a tight reign
on hubby's interaction with 5 year old, so that few interactions are
"bad" ones. Part of me wants to go, hey, treat your kid however you
want, Dad...You'll reap what you sow. But will just Daddy reap what
he sows, or will Mommy end up reaping it, too, even though she didn't
sow it? So...How much control am I supposed to try to exert over
hubby's replies to son, etc? A little? None? Butt in? Butt out?
Thanks for any opinions! ---S.R.

I suggest no control, but *some* input. Privately. Butt out in front
of the child (unless you want him to learn how to play you and dad off
each other).
I'm not sure why you'd want your child to see you as good and daddy as
the "less than perfect" one???

Ditto -

And I'd say Butt Out completely, especially in front of the children.
If you want to or can talk to your dh at some time when both of you
are in a reasonably mellow mood. Otherwise give up trying to control
everything. It's a losing battle.



grandma Rosalie

S.R. wrote:

My husband is a pretty good dad. But he's not a perfect parent, like
me. (Joking...) One of our kids is 5 years old. Occasionally
our son will do something that needs reprimanding. When hubby doesn't
reprimand him exactly like I would, I get mad and "correct" hubby. My
worry is that my son's memories won't be differentiated, as in, "Mommy
was nice, but Daddy was cranky when I was growing up." He'll just
remember, "Sometimes my parents were nice, sometimes they weren't." I
worry that all my "work" of parenting can be undone by what Dad says.
I guess I could just get off my husband's back if I knew that hubby
being cranky won't "undo" all my stay-at-home mom work of trying not
to be cranky, reading the child development books, etc. Part of me
wants to be a control freak which makes me want to keep a tight reign
on hubby's interaction with 5 year old, so that few interactions are
"bad" ones. Part of me wants to go, hey, treat your kid however you
want, Dad...You'll reap what you sow. But will just Daddy reap what
he sows, or will Mommy end up reaping it, too, even though she didn't
sow it? So...How much control am I supposed to try to exert over
hubby's replies to son, etc? A little? None? Butt in? Butt out?
Thanks for any opinions! ---S.R.


If I read this correctly, please please don't correct your husband in
front if the children and don't characterize him as the cranky parent.
Let him parent in his own style and you parent in your style. You have
to get together on consequences and reprimands when your kids do
something they're not suppose to do, but other than that, leave him
alone!

By the way, I'm the cranky parent and DH is the calm one. I would
absolutely flip if he tried to tell me how to reprimand our children
("now Jeanne, it's not nice to lose your temper and scream like
that...")

Jeanne

I'm 46, and the mother of three (12, 9 and 5) and if I were your
spouse, I'd resent you plenty for treating me so disrepectfully.

Your husband is not a kid for you to correct, and you don't
necessarily have all the answers (i.e. just because itn't YOUR way
doesn't mean he's wrong). Parenting is supposed to be a shared
partnership, and that means a blend of different approaches and
different personalities. You are telegraphing to your husband (and to
your child) that you think you are better/smarter/more capable than
daddy, and that he is a hapless moron.

Mary G.

S.R. wrote:
My husband is a pretty good dad. But he's not a perfect parent, like
me. (Joking...) One of our kids is 5 years old. Occasionally
our son will do something that needs reprimanding. When hubby doesn't
reprimand him exactly like I would, I get mad and "correct" hubby. My
worry is that my son's memories won't be differentiated, as in, "Mommy
was nice, but Daddy was cranky when I was growing up." He'll just
remember, "Sometimes my parents were nice, sometimes they weren't." I
worry that all my "work" of parenting can be undone by what Dad says.
I guess I could just get off my husband's back if I knew that hubby
being cranky won't "undo" all my stay-at-home mom work of trying not
to be cranky, reading the child development books, etc. Part of me
wants to be a control freak which makes me want to keep a tight reign
on hubby's interaction with 5 year old, so that few interactions are
"bad" ones. Part of me wants to go, hey, treat your kid however you
want, Dad...You'll reap what you sow. But will just Daddy reap what
he sows, or will Mommy end up reaping it, too, even though she didn't
sow it? So...How much control am I supposed to try to exert over
hubby's replies to son, etc? A little? None? Butt in? Butt out?
Thanks for any opinions! ---S.R.




Assuming your husband is just being cranky, not abusive - stay out of
it, at least in front of your son. Sure, you can discuss parenting
with your husband, but you can't "control" him.

And why do you think being cranky with a child is necessarily a bad
thing? Or that constantly being "nice" to a child is a good thing?

If your husband's every interaction with your son consists of snapping
at him, then yes, I think there's cause for concern. But since you say
he's a pretty good dad, I doubt that's happening.

Clisby

Bruce and Jeanne wrote:


By the way, I'm the cranky parent and DH is the calm one. I would
absolutely flip if he tried to tell me how to reprimand our children
("now Jeanne, it's not nice to lose your temper and scream like
that...")

Jeanne


I'm with you. (You see how we immediately identify with the cranky
father!) My mother yelled at her 6 children plenty when we were
growing up. I don't look back and think, "Boy, she was always yelling
at us." I remember what a great mother she was.

Clisby

Clisby wrote:
Bruce and Jeanne wrote:


By the way, I'm the cranky parent and DH is the calm one. I would
absolutely flip if he tried to tell me how to reprimand our children
("now Jeanne, it's not nice to lose your temper and scream like
that...")

Jeanne


I'm with you. (You see how we immediately identify with the cranky
father!) My mother yelled at her 6 children plenty when we were
growing up. I don't look back and think, "Boy, she was always
yelling at us." I remember what a great mother she was.

Clisby

I'm sort of with you and if dh makes some remark *THAT* makes me about 10
times crankier then I was to begin with.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)