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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby



 
 
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  #11  
Old August 2nd 03, 08:49 AM
Kereru
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby


"Wendy Marsden" wrote in message
...
rwinnh wrote:
Hello, I am a young man who is involved in a developing relationship
with a single mother of a 1 yr old boy.


Parenting is a little bit like having an obsessive hobby. It takes up ALL
your free time, it doesn't stop and it isn't all that much fun much of the
time.


My little boy is 22 months and I'd say life is a lot of fun most of the
time. Maybe I'm particularly lucky? Yeah sure it doesn't stop but you can
still have loads of fun while you do it.


People do it for a variety of reasons, but the underlying reason is
love. If you aren't willing to love this child and spend 40 hours a week
for the next 17 years doing things with and for this child, find another
girlfriend.


I imagine the guy will be at work for forty hours a week and the rest of the
week will be a combination of time with the girlfriend and her child, and
time for the two of them while baby is in bed or with a baby sitter. You
just have to be organised.

I participate in a group supporting marriage and a reoccurring theme is
the marriage with toddlers/preschoolers falling apart. Typically one of
the partners come in saying, "we have a one year old and a three year old
and life is hard and I'm not having ANY fun with my partner, it's all work
work work. I want to find a partner who I can have fun with." They are
completely missing the point that the work comes from their situation, not
from having a bad partner. When life gets easier (like when the kids can
dress themselves, read to themselves, do toileting without help, etc.) the
marriage typically improves simply because the people have more leisure
time.

Anyway, my point is that a girlfriend who has overwhelming personal time
commitments isn't all that available for doing typical teen-age romance
stuff. Parents of one year olds get maybe two hours a week alone together
without their kid. I can't imagine how she even found time to date you to
start with!

Wendy



DS goes to bed at 7.30pm, we have a great extended family who can babysit if
we want to go out. Even if we stay in we are together. So if I go to bed at
10.30pm that's at least 21 hours a week alone together or for us to get out
or do our own thing.

It's not always as bleak as you are painting it. My relationship has only
strengthened with a toddler in the house. It does take a little extra work
and organisation but it's possible.

Judy


  #12  
Old August 2nd 03, 12:54 PM
Elizabeth Reid
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

"Nikki" wrote in message news:3f29e04b_4@newsfeed...
Elizabeth Reid wrote:
Wendy Marsden wrote in message
...


Anyway, my point is that a girlfriend who has overwhelming personal
time commitments isn't all that available for doing typical teen-age
romance stuff. Parents of one year olds get maybe two hours a week
alone together without their kid. I can't imagine how she even
found time to date you to start with!


Maybe it's just because we're just entering the toddler stage
(my son is almost one) and I'm about to encounter a staggering
comeuppance, but... it's hard, but I'm not sure I think it's *that*
hard. What time do most people's one-year-olds go to bed?


I wouldn't describe it so dismally and my marriage is fine but it sounded
right on the mark to me. There are many factors including the intensity of
the children, # of hours the parents work, personality of the parents etc.
etc. My time is pretty much all accounted for until 10 most night and it is
only in the last few months that I can count on my two actually sleeping
alone for any meaningful length of time so I can have my very own free time
or couple time (but dh is generally sleeping by then). The age mine are now
(2 and 4) I'm just more worn out then ever with how much *work* they are
just to keep them clothed and fed much less entertained and I haven't even
started potty training Luke :-) Jeez, I wanted 3???? Not till these two can
put on their own shoes, open all the doors, and do their own seat belts,
Lol.


Yeah, this is one big reason we think we might stop at one. But
the OP's girlfriend only has one, so her experience might be
more like mine.

I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when
I was pregnant, and they scared me silly. I fell into some
sort of prenatal depression when I was about eight weeks along,
I think, and every time someone made a comment about my life
being over or I saw a post like Wendy's, I thought, what have
I done?!? No joking, I really felt awful. I had one friend
who's a parent of a two-year-old send me condolences instead of
congratulations when he heard I was pregnant. Made me feel
just great.

So anyway, I feel compelled to testify that at the moment
it's hard for us, but not as hard as Wendy's picture. Sam does
sleep for some stretches of time, we get a few hours in the
evening to chat while we do chores, and our time while he's
awake doesn't feel like work work work even if in a sense
that's what it is. He's awfully cute in our biased eyes,
and we have lots of fun hanging out as a threesome, even
if our primary activity is thwarting his attempts at self-
destruction. I don't have a sense of us putting off enjoyment
until he turns five, I guess is what I mean.

Beth
Sam 8/16/2002
  #13  
Old August 2nd 03, 01:40 PM
llama mama
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

(Elizabeth Reid) wrote in
om:

Wendy Marsden wrote in message
...

I participate in a group supporting marriage and a reoccurring theme
is the marriage with toddlers/preschoolers falling apart. Typically
one of the partners come in saying, "we have a one year old and a
three year old and life is hard and I'm not having ANY fun with my
partner, it's all work work work. I want to find a partner who I can
have fun with." They are completely missing the point that the work
comes from their situation, not from having a bad partner. When life
gets easier (like when the kids can dress themselves, read to
themselves, do toileting without help, etc.) the marriage typically
improves simply because the people have more leisure time.

Anyway, my point is that a girlfriend who has overwhelming personal
time commitments isn't all that available for doing typical teen-age
romance stuff. Parents of one year olds get maybe two hours a week
alone together without their kid. I can't imagine how she even found
time to date you to start with!


Maybe it's just because we're just entering the toddler stage
(my son is almost one) and I'm about to encounter a staggering
comeuppance, but... it's hard, but I'm not sure I think it's *that*
hard. What time do most people's one-year-olds go to bed? Mine
is usually down by eight and I'm good until ten, so we get
two hours a day alone together without our son. Granted, I'm
usually a little punchy, and it's not like we spend it gazing
into each other's eyes while violins play, mostly it's doing
dishes and laundry and such, but still, it's adult together
time and it does a lot to keep us connected with each other.


it depends on your kid. at one, my kid was never out of my arms or off
my lap. when he went to bed, so did i. i did any housework i was going to
do while lugging the kid. if i was very lucky i could set him down for 5
minutes & do something, but that was vanishingly rare. he wouldn't have
anything to do with even his daddy at that stage either, so i couldn't
pawn him off & get time for a shower even. (fortunately, i didn't know
all babies weren't like that at the timeg)
at 3, i still go to bed when he does, but at least he will play by
himself or with daddy for 15-20 minutes, so i can get a few more things
done. yesterday he fell asleep on a chair instead of my lap for the first
time. i cleaned my office. it was wonderful (until he woke up & stressed
from being alone).
i still have no idea what normal kids are really like, but one can adapt
to high-needs kids if necessary. parents are grown-ups. it's *not* all
about them anymore. if they don't realize that, they shouldn't have kids.
there's no guarantee any kid will be easy. and any father that whines
about not getting time with wifey or a clean house deserves to be left
alone with the kid(s) for a week
BTW, if they complain about not having 'fun', i suspect they need to
learn a new definition of fun. how can you NOT have fun with a 1 year old
& a 3 year old? thier perspectives on things are hilarious (even when
they are driving you to distraction)

I freely admit that my house is a mess and we eat too much
convenience food and there's laundry everywhere in various stages
of done, and so on, so maybe it's my pathetically low standards
that make this all possible, or something.


my house is a mess, i don't like convenience food so we eat a lot of
stir-fry or casseroles (crockpots are handy, too). i wash the laundry,
Tom sorts & folds, we each put our own away. i do get more cleaning done
in the winter though. summer here means clipping the llamas, working the
llamas & gardening. inside stuff is really backburner.

lee
--
It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate
between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital
connection between them. -Leo Buscaglia, author (1924-1998)
  #14  
Old August 2nd 03, 02:07 PM
0tterbot
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

"rwinnh" wrote in message
om...
I would like to thank everyone who has given me their suggestions and
advice over the last day. And I just wanted to give a little more
information about my relationship and other details that a few people
have inquired about.

First and foremost, I had done a lot of thinking prior to meeting her
son Kobi for the first time. My girlfriend was very upfront about him
being her highest priority from day #1, and as the relationship has
grown, my admiration of how great of a mother she is has grown as
well. And I am 100% sure that I want to have a relationship of 3, to
have both my girlfriend and him in my life and to do things together
and spend time together.

As far as details that I didn't include in the first message. I am 19
going on 20, and she is 26 going on 27, I know rereading my first
message it sounded as if we were both probably teenagers and I wanted
to correct that. As far as how she had the time to start dating me,
her ex-husband/Kobi's father has custody of him every Sunday, so that
was the time when we would date at the start of the relationship, and
only recently now that she is comfortable with me being involved with
her son as well have we spent time together on other days.

Anyway, I cannot begin to thank everyone for their comments. I know
just how much I want for Kobi to like me and for the three of us to
fit well as a single unit. My concerns were always of not knowing the
exact thing to do to make things work and to make him happy. But I
know that there is no real rule book to parenting and interacting with
younger children, and I am glad that there are people willing to give
their advice and opinions. And from the time I have had in my
relationship, I have even more respect and admiration for all parents,
especially single parents. I will keep reading the board for any
other suggestions, thank you for your support.


i think you're going into it with both eyes open, and since you want a
relationship with the baby, that will make all the difference. follow his
lead & have fun with him & see how it develops. best of luck & hope it
continues to go well :-)
kylie


  #15  
Old August 2nd 03, 03:42 PM
Wendy Marsden
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

Elizabeth Reid wrote:

I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when
I was pregnant, and they scared me silly.


I'm sorry if I made it sound bleak. I didn't mean it to sound like my
world was terrible with toddlers - it wasn't. But my world WAS centered
on toddlers and I *barely* had enough time and energy to keep my own
marriage together (it really got tough after the second) and that was in a
situation with planned pregnancies and the man in question was as devoted
to the children as I was.

The fact is, though, that a marriage needs some private grown-up time (at
least mine does) and there was a period of time in there where it was
being neglected. I don't mean to extrapolate to all of your marriages
being in danger, but I do mean to point out to the OP that he isn't going
to get a relationship with this woman all by herself.

When I had one and three year olds I recall a co-worker who went skiing
every week-end for about six months of the year and most week-day evenings
in the winter. He had an all-consuming hobby that took every spare minute
of his time and money. I recall thinking that it was JUST LIKE having
kids. Mind you, both he and I *enjoyed* our time and money consuming
"hobbies", but they just don't leave much room to bring new people into
a relationship with you.

So anyway, I feel compelled to testify that at the moment
it's hard for us, but not as hard as Wendy's picture. Sam does
sleep for some stretches of time, we get a few hours in the
evening to chat while we do chores, and our time while he's
awake doesn't feel like work work work even if in a sense
that's what it is. He's awfully cute in our biased eyes,
and we have lots of fun hanging out as a threesome, even
if our primary activity is thwarting his attempts at self-
destruction. I don't have a sense of us putting off enjoyment
until he turns five, I guess is what I mean.


Read this again. You get to chat while you do chores. You get to hang
out playing with the baby. Does this sound like a great date to a 19 year
old? My memory is that they like sex, too. I don't even WANT to go into
my memories of how much sex I wanted when I was working full-time and the
mother of a toddler. Let's just say it wasn't quite up to the standards
of a 19 year old man.

Wendy
  #16  
Old August 2nd 03, 03:55 PM
Wendy Marsden
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

0tterbot wrote:
when my first baby was one, he
went to sleep at 6-ish every night & still had several naps during the day.
i would call this a lot of time together without him (without him conscious,
that is). we also still did (& do) go out at night sometimes. there are
people who will babysit.


That wasn't my experience. Please note that I loved having my kids and
*did* enjoy their babyhood. My best summer of my life was the year they
were four and two and I spent the summer hanging out with them. It was
better than any summer on the Riviera.

But my kids aren't sleepers. The older one cried from 8 to 9 pm every
night for a YEAR when she was three. This started about the time our
second one was six months old. They shared a room. I cannot even begin
to tell you how stressful that child was to us. Our third child is also
not a sleeper but he is at least very cheerful about it. I call him
"relentless boy". On a recent child development questionaire a question
asked was when he started talking. I wrote, "at birth and continuously
since."

Joking aside, the child gave up his second nap when he was about four
months old and gave up ALL naps when he was two. He just turned four
and sleeps from 10 pm to 7 am. His older sister sleeps from 11 pm or
midnight to 8 am or so. I would think this was normal except that my
middle child sleeps like other people's kids seem to.

So your experiences about having alone time with your husband are vastly,
radically different than mine. Add to that the fact that we live nowhere
near family and babysitters are expensive and you get a couple who don't
go out on adult dates very often.

Now, I'm not asking for pity. My life (and marriage) are just fine. We
truly *like* are kids and devote ourselves to them. Our kids are old
enough and our support structure is in place enough so that we *can* get
away once in a while now.

But do you understand that I'm telling this young man that life with a
toddler is fundamentally about the toddler? I'm sorry if I made it sound
like toddler days aren't fun. But it truly isn't a lifestyle for everyone
and the people I would think it was LEAST for would be an unrelated 19
year old man.

Wendy
  #17  
Old August 2nd 03, 06:43 PM
Sue
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

Elizabeth Reid wrote in message
Maybe it's just because we're just entering the toddler stage
(my son is almost one) and I'm about to encounter a staggering
comeuppance, but... it's hard, but I'm not sure I think it's *that*
hard. What time do most people's one-year-olds go to bed? Mine
is usually down by eight and I'm good until ten, so we get
two hours a day alone together without our son. Granted, I'm
usually a little punchy, and it's not like we spend it gazing
into each other's eyes while violins play, mostly it's doing
dishes and laundry and such, but still, it's adult together
time and it does a lot to keep us connected with each other.

I freely admit that my house is a mess and we eat too much
convenience food and there's laundry everywhere in various stages
of done, and so on, so maybe it's my pathetically low standards
that make this all possible, or something.

Beth
Sam 8/16/2002


My kids go to bed at around 10 pm because they are out of school for the
summer. When they are in school, I want them in bed by 8:30-9:00 PM. And
then I go to bed because I get up early to work at home. So no, not too much
time after they go to bed to have alone time.

Um, while Wendy's perception is a quite grim, Elizabeth you only have one
child. When I only had one child, life was fun. It was exciting to see her
learn new things and it was fun playing with her. I have three kids now, and
life is far from fun at this moment. But, to say that it is never fun isn't
a good description either. My life waffles between being harried and busy
to enjoying watching them develop their own personalities to deep love that
I can't imagine my life without them.

Each of my children has their own thing going. I run all the time here and
there for them. I don't have a moments peace. I don't get many breaks
without them at all. I have been with these children 24/7 since they got out
of school and frankly, it is wearing on me. It doesn't help that I am
experiencing lots of fighting between two children right now and
pre-hormones are raging.

My marriage is extremely stable. We made this commitment to these children
and since we are the adults, our needs can be put off. We are able to spend
some time with each other in the evening and since I am a home body, it
doesn't bother me too much that we haven't been out together alone in eight
months. There is never enough money, never enough time for each one of them,
never enough energy to keep up. But, we made the decision to have them and
we are making the best of it. I also believe that Wendy was emphasizing the
bad parts of being a parent to this VERY YOUNG OP to make sure that his
decision to stay with this mom doesn't end up hurting the baby. The young
OP needs to make sure that he is ready for this life-long responsibility and
frankly at 19, I couldn't make a decision like that.
--
Sue
mom to three girls


  #18  
Old August 2nd 03, 07:58 PM
dragonlady
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

In article ,
Wendy Marsden wrote:

Elizabeth Reid wrote:

I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when
I was pregnant, and they scared me silly.


I'm sorry if I made it sound bleak. I didn't mean it to sound like my
world was terrible with toddlers - it wasn't. But my world WAS centered
on toddlers and I *barely* had enough time and energy to keep my own
marriage together (it really got tough after the second) and that was in a
situation with planned pregnancies and the man in question was as devoted
to the children as I was.

The fact is, though, that a marriage needs some private grown-up time (at
least mine does) and there was a period of time in there where it was
being neglected. I don't mean to extrapolate to all of your marriages
being in danger, but I do mean to point out to the OP that he isn't going
to get a relationship with this woman all by herself.


Yes, but sometimes that time has to be put on hold, at least
temporarily, and the ability to do that can be important.

DH and I had a serious conversation about this when we had a 3 yo and
infant twins, and basically agreed that *our* relationship was not going
to have much attention for some period of time, but that we knew we'd
get back to it. And we did OK with that.


meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

  #19  
Old August 2nd 03, 09:54 PM
Banty
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

In article ,
dragonlady says...


DH and I had a serious conversation about this when we had a 3 yo and
infant twins, and basically agreed that *our* relationship was not going
to have much attention for some period of time, but that we knew we'd
get back to it. And we did OK with that.



Gee.

Realizing that life goes through phases, and not expecting some constant level
of reinforcement in all your relationships.

WHAT PLANET ARE *YOU* FROM!!!


:-)

Banty (really - that's rare, wonderfully centered and mature and constructive,
but damn rare)

  #20  
Old August 3rd 03, 02:22 AM
Elizabeth Reid
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Default Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

"Sue" wrote in message ...

Um, while Wendy's perception is a quite grim, Elizabeth you only have one
child. When I only had one child, life was fun. It was exciting to see her
learn new things and it was fun playing with her. I have three kids now, and
life is far from fun at this moment. But, to say that it is never fun isn't
a good description either. My life waffles between being harried and busy
to enjoying watching them develop their own personalities to deep love that
I can't imagine my life without them.


Oh, this is totally true, I'm sure it makes a huge difference to
have more than one. But the situation the OP was describing
involved a single child, so I don't know how much of the toughness
of having more than one would affect them right now, although
obviously it would be an issue if they decided to have a child
together.

Each of my children has their own thing going. I run all the time here and
there for them. I don't have a moments peace. I don't get many breaks
without them at all. I have been with these children 24/7 since they got out
of school and frankly, it is wearing on me. It doesn't help that I am
experiencing lots of fighting between two children right now and
pre-hormones are raging.


It sounds tough. I hope you're hanging in there. Is school
starting soon?

My marriage is extremely stable. We made this commitment to these children
and since we are the adults, our needs can be put off. We are able to spend
some time with each other in the evening and since I am a home body, it
doesn't bother me too much that we haven't been out together alone in eight
months. There is never enough money, never enough time for each one of them,
never enough energy to keep up. But, we made the decision to have them and
we are making the best of it. I also believe that Wendy was emphasizing the
bad parts of being a parent to this VERY YOUNG OP to make sure that his
decision to stay with this mom doesn't end up hurting the baby. The young
OP needs to make sure that he is ready for this life-long responsibility and
frankly at 19, I couldn't make a decision like that.


I've known various people who were moms at 19 (the MIL I mentioned in
another post and a few friends) and they were all capable of making
the sacrifices necessary for parenthood. Granted, the situations
were different in that they were the biological parents of the
children in question and didn't have the choice of 'trying'
parenthood and then walking away. I just know that some young
people can be good parents. Whether the OP can be one is not
something I can know, but personally I wouldn't assume he can't
be just on the basis of age.

Beth
 




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