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#11
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
"Wendy Marsden" wrote in message ... rwinnh wrote: Hello, I am a young man who is involved in a developing relationship with a single mother of a 1 yr old boy. Parenting is a little bit like having an obsessive hobby. It takes up ALL your free time, it doesn't stop and it isn't all that much fun much of the time. My little boy is 22 months and I'd say life is a lot of fun most of the time. Maybe I'm particularly lucky? Yeah sure it doesn't stop but you can still have loads of fun while you do it. People do it for a variety of reasons, but the underlying reason is love. If you aren't willing to love this child and spend 40 hours a week for the next 17 years doing things with and for this child, find another girlfriend. I imagine the guy will be at work for forty hours a week and the rest of the week will be a combination of time with the girlfriend and her child, and time for the two of them while baby is in bed or with a baby sitter. You just have to be organised. I participate in a group supporting marriage and a reoccurring theme is the marriage with toddlers/preschoolers falling apart. Typically one of the partners come in saying, "we have a one year old and a three year old and life is hard and I'm not having ANY fun with my partner, it's all work work work. I want to find a partner who I can have fun with." They are completely missing the point that the work comes from their situation, not from having a bad partner. When life gets easier (like when the kids can dress themselves, read to themselves, do toileting without help, etc.) the marriage typically improves simply because the people have more leisure time. Anyway, my point is that a girlfriend who has overwhelming personal time commitments isn't all that available for doing typical teen-age romance stuff. Parents of one year olds get maybe two hours a week alone together without their kid. I can't imagine how she even found time to date you to start with! Wendy DS goes to bed at 7.30pm, we have a great extended family who can babysit if we want to go out. Even if we stay in we are together. So if I go to bed at 10.30pm that's at least 21 hours a week alone together or for us to get out or do our own thing. It's not always as bleak as you are painting it. My relationship has only strengthened with a toddler in the house. It does take a little extra work and organisation but it's possible. Judy |
#12
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
"Nikki" wrote in message news:3f29e04b_4@newsfeed...
Elizabeth Reid wrote: Wendy Marsden wrote in message ... Anyway, my point is that a girlfriend who has overwhelming personal time commitments isn't all that available for doing typical teen-age romance stuff. Parents of one year olds get maybe two hours a week alone together without their kid. I can't imagine how she even found time to date you to start with! Maybe it's just because we're just entering the toddler stage (my son is almost one) and I'm about to encounter a staggering comeuppance, but... it's hard, but I'm not sure I think it's *that* hard. What time do most people's one-year-olds go to bed? I wouldn't describe it so dismally and my marriage is fine but it sounded right on the mark to me. There are many factors including the intensity of the children, # of hours the parents work, personality of the parents etc. etc. My time is pretty much all accounted for until 10 most night and it is only in the last few months that I can count on my two actually sleeping alone for any meaningful length of time so I can have my very own free time or couple time (but dh is generally sleeping by then). The age mine are now (2 and 4) I'm just more worn out then ever with how much *work* they are just to keep them clothed and fed much less entertained and I haven't even started potty training Luke :-) Jeez, I wanted 3???? Not till these two can put on their own shoes, open all the doors, and do their own seat belts, Lol. Yeah, this is one big reason we think we might stop at one. But the OP's girlfriend only has one, so her experience might be more like mine. I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when I was pregnant, and they scared me silly. I fell into some sort of prenatal depression when I was about eight weeks along, I think, and every time someone made a comment about my life being over or I saw a post like Wendy's, I thought, what have I done?!? No joking, I really felt awful. I had one friend who's a parent of a two-year-old send me condolences instead of congratulations when he heard I was pregnant. Made me feel just great. So anyway, I feel compelled to testify that at the moment it's hard for us, but not as hard as Wendy's picture. Sam does sleep for some stretches of time, we get a few hours in the evening to chat while we do chores, and our time while he's awake doesn't feel like work work work even if in a sense that's what it is. He's awfully cute in our biased eyes, and we have lots of fun hanging out as a threesome, even if our primary activity is thwarting his attempts at self- destruction. I don't have a sense of us putting off enjoyment until he turns five, I guess is what I mean. Beth Sam 8/16/2002 |
#13
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
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#14
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
"rwinnh" wrote in message
om... I would like to thank everyone who has given me their suggestions and advice over the last day. And I just wanted to give a little more information about my relationship and other details that a few people have inquired about. First and foremost, I had done a lot of thinking prior to meeting her son Kobi for the first time. My girlfriend was very upfront about him being her highest priority from day #1, and as the relationship has grown, my admiration of how great of a mother she is has grown as well. And I am 100% sure that I want to have a relationship of 3, to have both my girlfriend and him in my life and to do things together and spend time together. As far as details that I didn't include in the first message. I am 19 going on 20, and she is 26 going on 27, I know rereading my first message it sounded as if we were both probably teenagers and I wanted to correct that. As far as how she had the time to start dating me, her ex-husband/Kobi's father has custody of him every Sunday, so that was the time when we would date at the start of the relationship, and only recently now that she is comfortable with me being involved with her son as well have we spent time together on other days. Anyway, I cannot begin to thank everyone for their comments. I know just how much I want for Kobi to like me and for the three of us to fit well as a single unit. My concerns were always of not knowing the exact thing to do to make things work and to make him happy. But I know that there is no real rule book to parenting and interacting with younger children, and I am glad that there are people willing to give their advice and opinions. And from the time I have had in my relationship, I have even more respect and admiration for all parents, especially single parents. I will keep reading the board for any other suggestions, thank you for your support. i think you're going into it with both eyes open, and since you want a relationship with the baby, that will make all the difference. follow his lead & have fun with him & see how it develops. best of luck & hope it continues to go well :-) kylie |
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
Elizabeth Reid wrote:
I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when I was pregnant, and they scared me silly. I'm sorry if I made it sound bleak. I didn't mean it to sound like my world was terrible with toddlers - it wasn't. But my world WAS centered on toddlers and I *barely* had enough time and energy to keep my own marriage together (it really got tough after the second) and that was in a situation with planned pregnancies and the man in question was as devoted to the children as I was. The fact is, though, that a marriage needs some private grown-up time (at least mine does) and there was a period of time in there where it was being neglected. I don't mean to extrapolate to all of your marriages being in danger, but I do mean to point out to the OP that he isn't going to get a relationship with this woman all by herself. When I had one and three year olds I recall a co-worker who went skiing every week-end for about six months of the year and most week-day evenings in the winter. He had an all-consuming hobby that took every spare minute of his time and money. I recall thinking that it was JUST LIKE having kids. Mind you, both he and I *enjoyed* our time and money consuming "hobbies", but they just don't leave much room to bring new people into a relationship with you. So anyway, I feel compelled to testify that at the moment it's hard for us, but not as hard as Wendy's picture. Sam does sleep for some stretches of time, we get a few hours in the evening to chat while we do chores, and our time while he's awake doesn't feel like work work work even if in a sense that's what it is. He's awfully cute in our biased eyes, and we have lots of fun hanging out as a threesome, even if our primary activity is thwarting his attempts at self- destruction. I don't have a sense of us putting off enjoyment until he turns five, I guess is what I mean. Read this again. You get to chat while you do chores. You get to hang out playing with the baby. Does this sound like a great date to a 19 year old? My memory is that they like sex, too. I don't even WANT to go into my memories of how much sex I wanted when I was working full-time and the mother of a toddler. Let's just say it wasn't quite up to the standards of a 19 year old man. Wendy |
#16
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
0tterbot wrote:
when my first baby was one, he went to sleep at 6-ish every night & still had several naps during the day. i would call this a lot of time together without him (without him conscious, that is). we also still did (& do) go out at night sometimes. there are people who will babysit. That wasn't my experience. Please note that I loved having my kids and *did* enjoy their babyhood. My best summer of my life was the year they were four and two and I spent the summer hanging out with them. It was better than any summer on the Riviera. But my kids aren't sleepers. The older one cried from 8 to 9 pm every night for a YEAR when she was three. This started about the time our second one was six months old. They shared a room. I cannot even begin to tell you how stressful that child was to us. Our third child is also not a sleeper but he is at least very cheerful about it. I call him "relentless boy". On a recent child development questionaire a question asked was when he started talking. I wrote, "at birth and continuously since." Joking aside, the child gave up his second nap when he was about four months old and gave up ALL naps when he was two. He just turned four and sleeps from 10 pm to 7 am. His older sister sleeps from 11 pm or midnight to 8 am or so. I would think this was normal except that my middle child sleeps like other people's kids seem to. So your experiences about having alone time with your husband are vastly, radically different than mine. Add to that the fact that we live nowhere near family and babysitters are expensive and you get a couple who don't go out on adult dates very often. Now, I'm not asking for pity. My life (and marriage) are just fine. We truly *like* are kids and devote ourselves to them. Our kids are old enough and our support structure is in place enough so that we *can* get away once in a while now. But do you understand that I'm telling this young man that life with a toddler is fundamentally about the toddler? I'm sorry if I made it sound like toddler days aren't fun. But it truly isn't a lifestyle for everyone and the people I would think it was LEAST for would be an unrelated 19 year old man. Wendy |
#17
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
Elizabeth Reid wrote in message
Maybe it's just because we're just entering the toddler stage (my son is almost one) and I'm about to encounter a staggering comeuppance, but... it's hard, but I'm not sure I think it's *that* hard. What time do most people's one-year-olds go to bed? Mine is usually down by eight and I'm good until ten, so we get two hours a day alone together without our son. Granted, I'm usually a little punchy, and it's not like we spend it gazing into each other's eyes while violins play, mostly it's doing dishes and laundry and such, but still, it's adult together time and it does a lot to keep us connected with each other. I freely admit that my house is a mess and we eat too much convenience food and there's laundry everywhere in various stages of done, and so on, so maybe it's my pathetically low standards that make this all possible, or something. Beth Sam 8/16/2002 My kids go to bed at around 10 pm because they are out of school for the summer. When they are in school, I want them in bed by 8:30-9:00 PM. And then I go to bed because I get up early to work at home. So no, not too much time after they go to bed to have alone time. Um, while Wendy's perception is a quite grim, Elizabeth you only have one child. When I only had one child, life was fun. It was exciting to see her learn new things and it was fun playing with her. I have three kids now, and life is far from fun at this moment. But, to say that it is never fun isn't a good description either. My life waffles between being harried and busy to enjoying watching them develop their own personalities to deep love that I can't imagine my life without them. Each of my children has their own thing going. I run all the time here and there for them. I don't have a moments peace. I don't get many breaks without them at all. I have been with these children 24/7 since they got out of school and frankly, it is wearing on me. It doesn't help that I am experiencing lots of fighting between two children right now and pre-hormones are raging. My marriage is extremely stable. We made this commitment to these children and since we are the adults, our needs can be put off. We are able to spend some time with each other in the evening and since I am a home body, it doesn't bother me too much that we haven't been out together alone in eight months. There is never enough money, never enough time for each one of them, never enough energy to keep up. But, we made the decision to have them and we are making the best of it. I also believe that Wendy was emphasizing the bad parts of being a parent to this VERY YOUNG OP to make sure that his decision to stay with this mom doesn't end up hurting the baby. The young OP needs to make sure that he is ready for this life-long responsibility and frankly at 19, I couldn't make a decision like that. -- Sue mom to three girls |
#18
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
In article ,
Wendy Marsden wrote: Elizabeth Reid wrote: I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when I was pregnant, and they scared me silly. I'm sorry if I made it sound bleak. I didn't mean it to sound like my world was terrible with toddlers - it wasn't. But my world WAS centered on toddlers and I *barely* had enough time and energy to keep my own marriage together (it really got tough after the second) and that was in a situation with planned pregnancies and the man in question was as devoted to the children as I was. The fact is, though, that a marriage needs some private grown-up time (at least mine does) and there was a period of time in there where it was being neglected. I don't mean to extrapolate to all of your marriages being in danger, but I do mean to point out to the OP that he isn't going to get a relationship with this woman all by herself. Yes, but sometimes that time has to be put on hold, at least temporarily, and the ability to do that can be important. DH and I had a serious conversation about this when we had a 3 yo and infant twins, and basically agreed that *our* relationship was not going to have much attention for some period of time, but that we knew we'd get back to it. And we did OK with that. meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#19
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
In article ,
dragonlady says... DH and I had a serious conversation about this when we had a 3 yo and infant twins, and basically agreed that *our* relationship was not going to have much attention for some period of time, but that we knew we'd get back to it. And we did OK with that. Gee. Realizing that life goes through phases, and not expecting some constant level of reinforcement in all your relationships. WHAT PLANET ARE *YOU* FROM!!! :-) Banty (really - that's rare, wonderfully centered and mature and constructive, but damn rare) |
#20
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Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby
"Sue" wrote in message ...
Um, while Wendy's perception is a quite grim, Elizabeth you only have one child. When I only had one child, life was fun. It was exciting to see her learn new things and it was fun playing with her. I have three kids now, and life is far from fun at this moment. But, to say that it is never fun isn't a good description either. My life waffles between being harried and busy to enjoying watching them develop their own personalities to deep love that I can't imagine my life without them. Oh, this is totally true, I'm sure it makes a huge difference to have more than one. But the situation the OP was describing involved a single child, so I don't know how much of the toughness of having more than one would affect them right now, although obviously it would be an issue if they decided to have a child together. Each of my children has their own thing going. I run all the time here and there for them. I don't have a moments peace. I don't get many breaks without them at all. I have been with these children 24/7 since they got out of school and frankly, it is wearing on me. It doesn't help that I am experiencing lots of fighting between two children right now and pre-hormones are raging. It sounds tough. I hope you're hanging in there. Is school starting soon? My marriage is extremely stable. We made this commitment to these children and since we are the adults, our needs can be put off. We are able to spend some time with each other in the evening and since I am a home body, it doesn't bother me too much that we haven't been out together alone in eight months. There is never enough money, never enough time for each one of them, never enough energy to keep up. But, we made the decision to have them and we are making the best of it. I also believe that Wendy was emphasizing the bad parts of being a parent to this VERY YOUNG OP to make sure that his decision to stay with this mom doesn't end up hurting the baby. The young OP needs to make sure that he is ready for this life-long responsibility and frankly at 19, I couldn't make a decision like that. I've known various people who were moms at 19 (the MIL I mentioned in another post and a few friends) and they were all capable of making the sacrifices necessary for parenthood. Granted, the situations were different in that they were the biological parents of the children in question and didn't have the choice of 'trying' parenthood and then walking away. I just know that some young people can be good parents. Whether the OP can be one is not something I can know, but personally I wouldn't assume he can't be just on the basis of age. Beth |
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