Need help ... Interacting with girlfriends baby

Elizabeth Reid wrote:

Yeah, this is one big reason we think we might stop at one. But
the OP's girlfriend only has one, so her experience might be
more like mine.

I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when
I was pregnant, and they scared me silly. I fell into some
sort of prenatal depression when I was about eight weeks along,
I think, and every time someone made a comment about my life
being over or I saw a post like Wendy's, I thought, what have
I done?!? No joking, I really felt awful. I had one friend
who's a parent of a two-year-old send me condolences instead of
congratulations when he heard I was pregnant. Made me feel
just great.

So anyway, I feel compelled to testify that at the moment
it's hard for us, but not as hard as Wendy's picture. Sam does
sleep for some stretches of time, we get a few hours in the
evening to chat while we do chores, and our time while he's
awake doesn't feel like work work work even if in a sense
that's what it is. He's awfully cute in our biased eyes,
and we have lots of fun hanging out as a threesome, even
if our primary activity is thwarting his attempts at self-
destruction. I don't have a sense of us putting off enjoyment
until he turns five, I guess is what I mean.

I see where you are coming from now. I do want to clarify that when *I* say
it is a lot of work I don't necessarly mean work as something negative.
What I should say is that the majority of my time is spent taking care of
the kids. I guess I say work because it isn't something I can not do. But
I want to do it, that is why I had them :-) I certainly do not feel as if I
am putting of enjoyement, they are my enjoyment.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

On Sat, 02 Aug 2003 13:03:32 GMT, "0tterbot" wrote:

"Wendy Marsden" wrote in message
...
rwinnh wrote:
Hello, I am a young man who is involved in a developing relationship
with a single mother of a 1 yr old boy.

Parenting is a little bit like having an obsessive hobby. It takes up ALL
your free time, it doesn't stop and it isn't all that much fun much of the
time.

millions would disagree. i find it unexpectedly fun, & the parts that aren't
fun aren't always not-fun either. it's like anything - it won't be fun all
the time but can be positive in other ways. (even really ****ty days can be
positive - because there's another ****ty day you won't have again. ****ty
days as a parent are much more instructive than ****ty days at work, for
example).

Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this. While there were
times I was stressed and tired, for the most part I enjoyed my
children's babyhood. It was fun.

I was also a single parent with an infant, toddler and then
preschooler, working full time, sometimes doing shift work, with my
fist child. If I had stress, it wasn't from the child, she was a joy.
It was from the "scheduling:" that parents, especially single parents
have to do.

I also had an active social life, and even sex on occasion during my
oldest daughter's young years. I dated, and I regularly took time for
myself. I also went on dates with my child, but if it was someone I
was casually dating (and yes I did), I didnt introduce them to
daughter right away.

As well as going on dates alone, we spent alot of fun time with my
child, that gave us time together and enjoy Katie as wello. We went
to the beach and had picnics, we went to the zoo, we went on hikes, we
sat on the pation and had burgers while she played in the grass.

While I dint go to parrites, beer blasts and so on, I would suggest
that all nineteen year olds dont do that either, and its a disservice
to assume they do.

Eventually I met someone when my oldest was four, and quite frankly it
was much more difficult introducing a new adult into her life at four
and five than it may have been earlier.

People do it for a variety of reasons, but the underlying reason is
love. If you aren't willing to love this child and spend 40 hours a week
for the next 17 years doing things with and for this child, find another
girlfriend. (snip)

Okay, now said daughter is twenty four, youngest is fourteen and you
know what, I actually spend hours weekly "not" doing something with
and for the child. Heck, he actually spends alot of time doing things
for me these days, while I am elsewhere (that 800 dollar phone bill
you know).

while we all have different parenting styles and different
personalities in our kids, your view really sounds scary to me.

Barb

On 1 Aug 2003 15:45:27 -0700, (rwinnh) wrote:

I would like to thank everyone who has given me their suggestions and
advice over the last day. And I just wanted to give a little more
information about my relationship and other details that a few people
have inquired about.

First and foremost, I had done a lot of thinking prior to meeting her
son Kobi for the first time. My girlfriend was very upfront about him
being her highest priority from day #1, and as the relationship has
grown, my admiration of how great of a mother she is has grown as
well. And I am 100% sure that I want to have a relationship of 3, to
have both my girlfriend and him in my life and to do things together
and spend time together.
Good for you, glad you thought about this. Realize though, that you
are still beginning a relationship and your decisions may change. This
is not a bad thing.

As far as details that I didn't include in the first message. I am 19
going on 20, and she is 26 going on 27, I know rereading my first
message it sounded as if we were both probably teenagers and I wanted
to correct that. As far as how she had the time to start dating me,
her ex-husband/Kobi's father has custody of him every Sunday, so that
was the time when we would date at the start of the relationship, and
only recently now that she is comfortable with me being involved with
her son as well have we spent time together on other days.
Sound slike me. ONly I didnt have family, I had a regular babysitter
one night a week and an afternoon for a couple hours. So I had time
to date and to explore the "single world" alone. Once I had dated
someone for awhile then I would introduce child.

The best advise I can give you is to be honest in your relationshp
and to the child. If you are relaxed and yoruself, the relationship
will gradually progress. Just dont be too pushy and let the child
come to you, if that makes any sense.

As far as the "being in control part" let mom do that as much as
possilbe in the beginning and then slowly work yourself into that role
if the relationship progresses.

Good Luck to you both

Barb

"dragonlady" wrote in message
...
In article ,
Wendy Marsden wrote:

Elizabeth Reid wrote:

I mostly spoke up because I remember reading these posts when
I was pregnant, and they scared me silly.

I'm sorry if I made it sound bleak. I didn't mean it to sound like my
world was terrible with toddlers - it wasn't. But my world WAS centered
on toddlers and I *barely* had enough time and energy to keep my own
marriage together (it really got tough after the second) and that was in
a
situation with planned pregnancies and the man in question was as
devoted
to the children as I was.

The fact is, though, that a marriage needs some private grown-up time
(at
least mine does) and there was a period of time in there where it was
being neglected. I don't mean to extrapolate to all of your marriages
being in danger, but I do mean to point out to the OP that he isn't
going
to get a relationship with this woman all by herself.

Yes, but sometimes that time has to be put on hold, at least
temporarily, and the ability to do that can be important.

DH and I had a serious conversation about this when we had a 3 yo and
infant twins, and basically agreed that *our* relationship was not going
to have much attention for some period of time, but that we knew we'd
get back to it. And we did OK with that.



I have a hard time understanding that. A big new part of our relationship is
our son. Not the only part, to be sure. We go out on dates and stuff. But I
would not be a very competent Mom if I could not share opinions and whatnot
with DH. We do not talk ONLY about DS and our upcoming DD. We still talk
about work and whatnot. But we still know what is going on in each other's
thoughts and feelings most of the time. We have not roller bladed in over 3
years. But that is not what our marriage is made of. You know what I mean?

I think the work / hard thing is largely a matter of attitude. When my Dad
had a brain injury and my Mom was caring for him at home, after a long, long
time in hospitals and rehabs and whatnot, she would admit that this was the
hardest thing she had ever done. But she said what you have to do in life is
"find your responsibilities and make them your joy." "In the old days" there
was a greater population whose life centered on survival. I would bet,
though I certainly have no way to prove, that the difference between the
happy and the grumpy was largely a matter of attitude.

Don't get me wrong, I am not accusing anyone here of being a grump. I just
am differing with the statement
"*our* relationship was not going to have much attention for some period of
time"

It seems to me that, though a marital relationship changes when children
come, that it can morph into a different set of interactions that are part
of the new reality. That's all.

S


meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Stephanie and Tim wrote:

I have a hard time understanding that. A big new part of our relationship is
our son. Not the only part, to be sure. We go out on dates and stuff.

See, I would disagree that your son is part of your relationship. You
have a relationship with your son, he has a relationship with your son,
and you and your DH have a relationship.

Two people who both love the same kid can do things together that revolve
around the kid and both enjoy it. If that's what you mean by it being
part of your relationship then I'd agree. My husband and I frequently do
activities together with the children that revolve around doing what the
kids want to do. I somehow doubt that it would be as enjoyable for a man
who isn't ga ga in love with the kids, though.

I'm also glad to see you go on dates. I am very disheartened to see just
how many people are divorcing when they've got a three year old. I think
people forget that the relationship needs to be nurtured between the
adults. I know that was a big part of the problem during the rough patch
that my marriage went through.

Wendy

Banty wrote:
Yeah - I was a single mom with a baby, and although granted I was much
older and more settled, it wasn't like I only had two hours to myself
the whole week! And I did find time to date, etc.

I never said I didn't have two hours to myself the whole week. I said I
could barely scrape together two hours a week with my husband. Between
chores, taking care of the children, work schedules, exhaustion (a
constant, as I recall) and lack of child-care we just didn't have much in
the way of quality time.

Your mileage may vary. I'm glad you were able to date. I recall my
mother dating, too, and it wasn't an awful thing... until she brought a
guy home to live with us (and eventually married us.) That wasn't a great
thing. (But I don't feel like going into my rant today about parents who
displace teen kids when they have a new love.)

Wendy

"Nikki" wrote in message news:3f2c8834$1_3@newsfeed...

I don't know about the 'man' part, but I do know that the
'19' part can make more or less difference depending on the person
in question. My MIL was married with two kids by the time she
was 19. I think more depends on life experiences and basic
maturity level. I don't know anything about the OP beside his
few posts, but you never know, he might well be up to the
challenge.

He might be, but I can't imagine her having the will/desire to build a new
relationship while mothering an infant. I know plenty of people do it, I
certainly would not be one of them, lol. Good think the world has all
types.

She's a little older... but I have to agree with you for myself
too. At any maturity level, I'm not sure I can picture having
an intense relationship with a baby and an equally intense just-
budding new romance. I'm more of an introvert, so maybe a
high-energy extrovert would have no problem with this.

Beth
Sam 8/16/2003

"Wendy Marsden" wrote in message
...
But do you understand that I'm telling this young man that life with a
toddler is fundamentally about the toddler?

yes, i got that part ;-)

I'm sorry if I made it sound
like toddler days aren't fun. But it truly isn't a lifestyle for everyone
and the people I would think it was LEAST for would be an unrelated 19
year old man.

true as well (& that's the way it should be), but he wants to be a part of
this baby's life, which i think is marvellous, & the picture you painted of
the aforementioned life with a toddler was just unspeakably grim!! (as well
as, like i pointed out in my post, simply *not the case* for an awful lot of
people.) that's all :-)
kylie
--
www.rdj.com.au