My son's friend

Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could
get some opinions.

My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys,
one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the
"group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for
as much is the only one from his group that is in his class.

My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave
him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on
the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not
like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C
that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now
gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to
get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I
believe.

I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the
same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to.
My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J
tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain
that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there
anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him
figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some
problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with
their teacher. Thanks for listening.
--
Shelley
mom to 2 boys (6 and 3)

"Shelley" wrote in message
...
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could
get some opinions.

My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5
boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of
the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't
care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class.

My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave
him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on
the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do
not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to
tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J
has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of
trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues,
aspergers I believe.

I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the
same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want
to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just
let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and
explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is
there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and
let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading
to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk
with their teacher. Thanks for listening.
--
Shelley
mom to 2 boys (6 and 3)


Your son is going to spend his entire life having to associate with people
he doesn't much care for. He may as well learn his lessons about civility
and respect now. Whether he likes the boy or not, he will have to associate
with him on one level or another. He doesn't have to play with the boy or
invite him home, but he does have to show him respect and cooperation. You
should talk with your son, hope he absorbs what you tell him and handles
himself in a responsible manner at school. Good luck and best wishes.

Shelley wrote:
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could
get some opinions.

My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5 boys,
one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the
"group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care for
as much is the only one from his group that is in his class.

My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave
him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on
the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not
like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C
that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now
gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to
get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I
believe.

I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the
same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want to.
My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let J
tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain
that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there
anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him
figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to some
problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with
their teacher. Thanks for listening.
--
Shelley
mom to 2 boys (6 and 3)




Personally I'd try talking to C's parents first. Ask them about their
son, tell them about your sons issues regarding getting into trouble,...

If he has Aspergers it's very likely that the parents will have some
suggestions on how do deal with problems.
You could also set up playdates where one parent of each child is
present (visit the playground together,...) so you can both watch your
kids interact and maybe that way get a better feel for what's not working?

My son has some issues and there's one child in his class who frequently
complains about Sam at home. Sam likes this boy so I'm quite sure he's
not torturing the kid at school or anything. It's just that this other
boy is very sensitive and doesn't like playing in the same way as my son
does. I mean boys will be boys, they will run and yell and have
playfights where they don't _hurt_ each other but do get physical to
some extent.
I was very happy when Sam wanted to invite this boy for his birthday and
very sad when the boy called our house two days before the party telling
me he would not come because "Sam was being mean to him at school all
the time. And you don't treat a honored guest this way." the speech he
delivered sounded very much like it was practiced with mom and I don't
care for that kind of involvement of parents. I don't think many do.
Well, I talked to their teacher the next day asking about those fights
and the harassment that my son was subjecting this kid to and there was
nothing. The teacher has not seen anything of the kind happen, neither
have the people watching the kids play at recess. So, I have no clue
about that's really going on. I've considered talking to the mom but
since she seems more interested in talking about than in talking with me
I guess I won't bother.

So my advice is: don't talk about, talk with and try to work something
out. They don't have to become best friends, but setting up playdates
might make it easier for both kids to realize that they don't play well
together and that there might be better friends out there with whom they
do play together well.

cu
nicole

"Shelley" wrote in message
...
I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the
same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want
to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just
let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and
explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is
there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and
let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading
to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk
with their teacher. Thanks for listening.

I don't think your DS should have to play with the child all the time if he
doesn't want to, but it would be nice if he spent just a little time if the
child wasn't really being mean or anything. DD had a friend at school who
she started hitting and pinching because he was following her around and she
didn't want to play with him. I told her she could just tell him she'll
play with him later and then follow up with a tiny bit of playtime later.
She came home the next day and told me the kid liked it when she told him
that and it worked out. This is actually what they teach the kids in
preschool, except the teachers were telling DD to tell the child she didn't
want to play right now, which didn't come across as well as "I'll play with
you later."

"NL" wrote in message
...
Shelley wrote:
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I
could
get some opinions.

My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5
boys,
one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of the
"group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't care
for
as much is the only one from his group that is in his class.

My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't
leave
him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around
on
the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do
not
like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C
that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has
now
gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying
to
get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I
believe.

I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the
same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want
to.
My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just let
J
tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and explain
that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is there
anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and let him
figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading to
some
problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk with
their teacher. Thanks for listening.
--
Shelley
mom to 2 boys (6 and 3)




Personally I'd try talking to C's parents first. Ask them about their
son, tell them about your sons issues regarding getting into trouble,...

If he has Aspergers it's very likely that the parents will have some
suggestions on how do deal with problems.
You could also set up playdates where one parent of each child is
present (visit the playground together,...) so you can both watch your
kids interact and maybe that way get a better feel for what's not working?

My son has some issues and there's one child in his class who frequently
complains about Sam at home. Sam likes this boy so I'm quite sure he's
not torturing the kid at school or anything. It's just that this other
boy is very sensitive and doesn't like playing in the same way as my son
does. I mean boys will be boys, they will run and yell and have
playfights where they don't _hurt_ each other but do get physical to
some extent.
I was very happy when Sam wanted to invite this boy for his birthday and
very sad when the boy called our house two days before the party telling
me he would not come because "Sam was being mean to him at school all
the time. And you don't treat a honored guest this way." the speech he
delivered sounded very much like it was practiced with mom and I don't
care for that kind of involvement of parents. I don't think many do.
Well, I talked to their teacher the next day asking about those fights
and the harassment that my son was subjecting this kid to and there was
nothing. The teacher has not seen anything of the kind happen, neither
have the people watching the kids play at recess. So, I have no clue
about that's really going on. I've considered talking to the mom but
since she seems more interested in talking about than in talking with me
I guess I won't bother.

So my advice is: don't talk about, talk with and try to work something
out. They don't have to become best friends, but setting up playdates
might make it easier for both kids to realize that they don't play well
together and that there might be better friends out there with whom they
do play together well.

The feeling I'm getting from my son J is that he doesn't hate C and wouldn't
mind playing with him some of the time but sometimes would like to do his
own thing with his other friends too. I'm not sure about talking with C's
mother either as she seems to have some of her own issues (father is not in
the picture and they live with the grandpartents)

They have had some playdates as they live right down the road from my mother
(J's after school caregiver). I think they get along OK but are not best
buddies.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Shelley

cu
nicole

"Shelley" wrote in message
...
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could
get some opinions.

My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5
boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of
the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't
care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class.

My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave
him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on
the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do
not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to
tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J
has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of
trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues,
aspergers I believe.

I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the
same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want
to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just
let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and
explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is
there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and
let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading
to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk
with their teacher. Thanks for listening.

Leave it alone. You are overinvolved. Your son should be managing his own
friendships, or non-friendships.
The teacher should not be sending notes from school, she should be in
charge of the classroom.

"dejablues" wrote in message
...

Leave it alone. You are overinvolved. Your son should be managing his own
friendships, or non-friendships.
The teacher should not be sending notes from school, she should be in
charge of the classroom.


I think you're being harsh. Kids need to figure things out, but they could
use guidance. Teachers should send notes home when things get out of hand.
Otherwise, how would the parent know when things are not good?

Shelley wrote:
[...]
My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave
him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on
the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do not
like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to tell C
that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J has now
gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of trying to
get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues, aspergers I
believe.

Although I don't think there's any very easy answer to this, I do think
it might well be worth having a gentle word with the teacher to see
whether s/he can help C with his social issues and maybe steer him
towards some other friends, or at least help reinforce the message that
you don't spend all your time hanging around someone who would prefer
not to have you there.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

dejablues wrote:
"Shelley" wrote in message
...
Hi all, I'm a long time lurker, infrequent poster and I was hoping I could
get some opinions.

My 6 yo son is in grade 1. Last year he mostly played with a group 5
boys, one of whom he didn't care for as much but since he was a part of
the "group" didn't have any problems. This year, the one boy he didn't
care for as much is the only one from his group that is in his class.

My son, J, doesn't really want to play with this boy, C, but C won't leave
him alone. C will always sit with him on the bus and follow him around on
the playground. J has become friends with another couple of boys who do
not like C either and won't play with J if C is around. J has tried to
tell C that he doesn't want to play with him but C still stays around. J
has now gotten in trouble a few times on the bus and at school because of
trying to get C to leave him alone. C does have some social issues,
aspergers I believe.

I'm not sure what to tell J. I don't want him to be mean to C but at the
same time I don't think he should have to play with C if he doesn't want
to. My guess is that C is just comfortable with J. Up to now, I've just
let J tell me what's going on and have told him not to be mean to C and
explain that C likes him as a friend and just wants to play with him. Is
there anything I should or could do or should I just leave it alone and
let him figure it out. My biggest concern right now is that it is leading
to some problems where I got notes home from school. Should I have a talk
with their teacher. Thanks for listening.

Leave it alone. You are overinvolved. Your son should be managing his own
friendships, or non-friendships.
The teacher should not be sending notes from school, she should be in
charge of the classroom.

I think that's a bit much when you're talking about a 7yo
dealing with a kid with Asperger's (if that's in fact the case).
It is challenging for many adults to deal with this situation,
and it's not surprising if a 7yo needs some help. In an ideal
world, the teacher would be on top of everything all the time,
but teachers are not all-seeing and all-knowing and the teacher
may be challenged to deal with this situation as well, and may
not have all the information (e.g., might be seeing the
trouble in the aftermath, but missing the precipitating
event). I don't think it's at all unreasonable to talk to
the teacher to help get some strategies in place to deal
with this situation effectively and kindly. I would expect
a 7yo to be able to tell someone he didn't want to play with
him right now, but clearly that is not working. Figuring
out how to get through to someone with a social challenge
like Asperger's that you don't want to play with him right
now without being cruel or precipitating an event is
more than I would expect out of the average 7yo boy.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:35:24 -0300, "Shelley"
wrote:

The feeling I'm getting from my son J is that he doesn't hate C and wouldn't
mind playing with him some of the time but sometimes would like to do his
own thing with his other friends too. I'm not sure about talking with C's
mother either as she seems to have some of her own issues (father is not in
the picture and they live with the grandpartents)

If the boy has asperger's, he is not *getting* the social cues and
does not really understand what he is doing wrong.

It might be productive to get this book for you son. Talk with his
parents first though because he may not have a dx.

http://www.amazon.com/My-Friend-Auti.../dp/1885477899

They have had some playdates as they live right down the road from my mother
(J's after school caregiver). I think they get along OK but are not best
buddies.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Shelley


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

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