A teenager question

On Sat, 5 Jul 2003 21:01:32 -0400, "dejablues"
wrote:

FWIW, I would't kick any of my children out unless they were repeat
criminals.


Absolutely agreed: Kicking a child out of the nest before adulthood
(he's still a minor, for god's sakes!) is harsh and in this case it
sounds unnecessary.

I can certainly see his frustrated parents requiring this young man to
get a job and chip in for some share of his room and board if he
refuses to continue with school, but I think "kicking him out" is an
absolute last resort for a child who is really a danger to the family
- not someone going through a tough late adolescence.

My mother's heart would never allow me to do something like that.

Karen


--
The Orange Cat: Calendar, advice & tips for busy families in the San Gabriel Valley
www.theorangecat.org

Karen wrote:

On Sat, 5 Jul 2003 21:01:32 -0400, "dejablues"
wrote:

FWIW, I would't kick any of my children out unless they were repeat
criminals.

Absolutely agreed: Kicking a child out of the nest before adulthood
(he's still a minor, for god's sakes!) is harsh and in this case it
sounds unnecessary.

I left home at 16 and it was the best thing I ever did. My mother used
to say "whose bread you eat, his song you sing". One day I said "okay,
I'll eat my own bread". A 17.5 year old "child" could join the military,
marry, etc. I became more responsible looking out for myself, keeping my
own hours, getting myself up, keeping a job, etc.
I see some older teens lingering at home for what I call "the money
teat". They get snow boards and weekends on the slopes, etc. if they
stay home and fight with their parents over hours, grades, etc. I didn't
have a phone, a car, designer underware, and tie dyed hair, but I had my
independence and dignity. So glad my parents never offered me "the money
teat" to keep me around.
My parents were always happy to see me, and took my collect calls until
I could afford my weekly call to them, but never panicked or fussed. I
hope I am as brave and calm when the time comes, as I come from a family
of "early leavers".

x-no-archive:yes
blacksalt wrote:

Karen wrote:

On Sat, 5 Jul 2003 21:01:32 -0400, "dejablues"
wrote:

FWIW, I would't kick any of my children out unless they were repeat
criminals.

Absolutely agreed: Kicking a child out of the nest before adulthood
(he's still a minor, for god's sakes!) is harsh and in this case it
sounds unnecessary.

I left home at 16 and it was the best thing I ever did. My mother used
to say "whose bread you eat, his song you sing". One day I said "okay,
I'll eat my own bread". A 17.5 year old "child" could join the military,
marry, etc. I became more responsible looking out for myself, keeping my
own hours, getting myself up, keeping a job, etc.

There is a BIG BIG difference between your saying "I'll eat my own
bread" and having your mom kick you out. It was YOUR choice and not
HER choice. She said, quite correctly that in her house it was her
rules. You didn't want to abide by the rules, so you left. She
allowed you to exercise that option.

That's quite different (although it looks the same on the surface
perhaps) to someone saying GET OUT - I just can't stand that you won't
do your schoolwork any longer so you can't live here anymore..

I see some older teens lingering at home for what I call "the money
teat". They get snow boards and weekends on the slopes, etc. if they
stay home and fight with their parents over hours, grades, etc. I didn't

Those teens are being enabled by their parents to dependency. There
has to be some middle ground between giving a teen whatever money they
want and allowing them to do whatever they want (or just arguing about
it when they don't do what you want) and kicking them out altogether.

have a phone, a car, designer underware, and tie dyed hair, but I had my
independence and dignity. So glad my parents never offered me "the money
teat" to keep me around.

Yes that would be bad.

My parents were always happy to see me, and took my collect calls until
I could afford my weekly call to them, but never panicked or fussed. I
hope I am as brave and calm when the time comes, as I come from a family
of "early leavers".

That's the best kind of parenting - allowing the teen to learn from
their own mistakes. It took my son a lot longer than I would have
liked to realize that he needed an education. But he's finally
getting down to it.


grandma Rosalie

"Rosalie B." wrote:

There is a BIG BIG difference between your saying "I'll eat my own
bread" and having your mom kick you out. It was YOUR choice and not
HER choice. She said, quite correctly that in her house it was her
rules. You didn't want to abide by the rules, so you left. She
allowed you to exercise that option.

That's quite different (although it looks the same on the surface
perhaps) to someone saying GET OUT - I just can't stand that you won't
do your schoolwork any longer so you can't live here anymore..


Was it a matter of changing the locks and calling the police to keep a
17.5 year old out, or merely saying "these are the basic rules, and if
you leave if you don't want to follow them" and the kid saying "see ya
later"? I didn't get the feeling that physical force was involved
(actually "kicking out").

x-no-archive:yes blacksalt wrote:

"Rosalie B." wrote:

There is a BIG BIG difference between your saying "I'll eat my own
bread" and having your mom kick you out. It was YOUR choice and not
HER choice. She said, quite correctly that in her house it was her
rules. You didn't want to abide by the rules, so you left. She
allowed you to exercise that option.

That's quite different (although it looks the same on the surface
perhaps) to someone saying GET OUT - I just can't stand that you won't
do your schoolwork any longer so you can't live here anymore..


Was it a matter of changing the locks and calling the police to keep a
17.5 year old out, or merely saying "these are the basic rules, and if
you leave if you don't want to follow them" and the kid saying "see ya
later"? I didn't get the feeling that physical force was involved
(actually "kicking out").

I don't think changing locks was involved, but I did get the idea that
a certain amount of psychic force was involved. Not fisticuffs or
anything like that - maybe putting his stuff out on the lawn or
something similar. In any case what was written here was

A friend just threw her 17.5 year old son out of the house.

I read that as more than just saying if you don't like the rules
leave, and not quite as much as changing the locks and calling the
police.

Of course you may be right - later she said:

... He said he was going to drop out
of school. She said that was fine, but if he was no longer under parental
authority then he needed to leave home.
He left, his stuff is all out of the house.

So it looks like she equated being in school and parental authority,
which I disagreed with. I think one needs to know when to let go, and
I certainly don't advocate letting the kid freeload on the parents,
but I never had any kids that did that (up to now anyway, and my
youngest is now 32.






grandma Rosalie

Rosalie B. wrote:

x-no-archive:yes blacksalt wrote:

"Rosalie B." wrote:

There is a BIG BIG difference between your saying "I'll eat my own
bread" and having your mom kick you out. It was YOUR choice and not
HER choice. She said, quite correctly that in her house it was her
rules. You didn't want to abide by the rules, so you left. She
allowed you to exercise that option.

That's quite different (although it looks the same on the surface
perhaps) to someone saying GET OUT - I just can't stand that you won't
do your schoolwork any longer so you can't live here anymore..


Was it a matter of changing the locks and calling the police to keep a
17.5 year old out, or merely saying "these are the basic rules, and if
you leave if you don't want to follow them" and the kid saying "see ya
later"? I didn't get the feeling that physical force was involved
(actually "kicking out").

I don't think changing locks was involved, but I did get the idea that
a certain amount of psychic force was involved. Not fisticuffs or
anything like that - maybe putting his stuff out on the lawn or
something similar. In any case what was written here was

A friend just threw her 17.5 year old son out of the house.
------------------------
Illegal in all 50 states of the USA. Have to wait till they're 18.
But then, even so, you may lose your child and heritage for life.
Steve