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#21
July 25th 03, 11:35 PM
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A teenager question
"T.R.H." wrote in message t...
"kasha" wrote in message m... kasha tough love time.... contribute and get your ass in gear or get out... I've got a cousin EXACLTY like you describe, he's now 49, living with my aunt & uncle *again*, works when he feels like it, knows damn well he should get off his ass but is not motivated, knows theres always that safety net I guess. Other than that he's a good guy, no bad vices or crap like that, actually had him work for me a couple of times & he's not afrain of work, just cant get motivated because he's never been pushed to, and he's the type that needs it cheers Those are words I say so often but now have to backup with the real live action. Unfortunately, it won't be easy since he won't leave on his own. Am I'm afraid that at 49 he'd still be with me !!!!!! One of these days I'd like to start having a full life again ...... not stay at work late so I don't have to go home. 6:30 on a Friday night and I'm still toying with a project I'm working on ... pretty sad. That's exactly it though ... a safety net, safe harbor, a meal and clean clothes and an easy life! It's hard to believe someone who used to be so active with snowboarding and rock climbing and biking can just settle for an such unsatisfying life .... and it has to be unsatisfying. Thanks for the boost, kasha 
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#22
July 26th 03, 04:36 AM
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A teenager question
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#23
July 26th 03, 08:20 AM
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A teenager question
kasha wrote:
When my very smart son walked out of high school at 17 I was in a similar position. He was in the midst of choosing a college. He had an opportunity to attend tuition-free. I thought he would be the child who went to college far away and would never come home. But that was not to be ... he dropped out and arrangements were made for him to attend a local community college. I worked with his high school to get him in and try to prevent losing him. He skipped classes and failed everything ... except guitar class. To make a long story short ... that's been going on for 4 years now. I did not have the heart to kick him out at 17. In the past 4 years he has attend 4 different colleges, earning 15 credits one semester and failing every other. I have tried every suggestion made. Even had his family doctor come visit (a surprise to my son). He is now 21 and and has done nothing. Won't work, won't help around the house. Pretty much plays the guitar and surfs the web all day. Being on the technical side, I interrupted the cable signal at one time so we had no TV and not cable internet access for a few months to help get him going. I thought he would get bored and get the message. Nope, didn't work. Friends and family try to talk to him and he agrees with everyone that he should be working and contributing. I've been a single mother of 2 (sole custody) for 12 years now. You try desperately to be supportive and understanding while they find their way and it takes each child a different amount of time. But it can't go on forever and sometimes you reach the point where enough is enough .... and that's where I am. But do I have what it takes to do it? I don't know ......... I just know he won't go on his own (I've tried that) and it would have to be done with the help of a court order. Ahhhhh, the joys of parenting! kasha "Marijke" wrote in message .. . "Wendy Marsden" wrote in message ... dejablues wrote: My guess is that you don't have teen-agers. I think you have to play this one by ear. Some kids will need it, some won't. I have teenagers and I still wouldn't kick one out at 17 for not wanting to go to school. I'd insist on rules, jobs, stuff like that, and only *then* might I consider the "sorry, but maybe you need to live on your own route" but a "good" kid who doesn't do drugs, has good friends and works at a part time job? That's not a kid worth kicking out, that's a kid that is rebelling at the only thing he can safely rebel at it. I don't consider her a wise parent. I've seen (yes,I've seen it), "good" kids who went "bad" after getting kicked out. They figured, hey, my parents think I'm trash, I might as well act like it. Marijke mom to three kids, two of whom are teenagers ------------------- You obviously pushed him into one thing after another trying to get him sorted out so you didn't have to worry about him. You would be shocked at the murderous rage this generates in kids. As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin' for ya?" You clearly have avoided ever REALLY getting to know him and what HE likes, and simply giving him support for that. Instead YOU had your OWN somewhat rigid ideas for what he "should" be. So, at some point he simply gave on his life up and stopped altogether, out of resentment. He's waiting for you to finally love him for what HE wants to be, and he doesn't even consciously know that this is what he is doing. He feels paralyzed and aimless. He really wishes secretly that he had parents who actually liked him and what HE had wanted to do. Before he leaves in any kind of good shape you'll have to give that to him, or his only other departure will be under less than the best circumstances, and his life will continue to be paralyzed. Steve
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#24
July 26th 03, 08:21 AM
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A teenager question
T.R.H. wrote:
"kasha" wrote in message m... When my very smart son walked out of high school at 17 I was in a similar position. He was in the midst of choosing a college. He had an opportunity to attend tuition-free. I thought he would be the child who went to college far away and would never come home. But that was not to be ... he dropped out and arrangements were made for him to attend a local community college. I worked with his high school to get him in and try to prevent losing him. He skipped classes and failed everything ... except guitar class. To make a long story short ... that's been going on for 4 years now. I did not have the heart to kick him out at 17. In the past 4 years he has attend 4 different colleges, earning 15 credits one semester and failing every other. I have tried every suggestion made. Even had his family doctor come visit (a surprise to my son). He is now 21 and and has done nothing. Won't work, won't help around the house. Pretty much plays the guitar and surfs the web all day. Being on the technical side, I interrupted the cable signal at one time so we had no TV and not cable internet access for a few months to help get him going. I thought he would get bored and get the message. Nope, didn't work. Friends and family try to talk to him and he agrees with everyone that he should be working and contributing. I've been a single mother of 2 (sole custody) for 12 years now. You try desperately to be supportive and understanding while they find their way and it takes each child a different amount of time. But it can't go on forever and sometimes you reach the point where enough is enough .... and that's where I am. But do I have what it takes to do it? I don't know ......... I just know he won't go on his own (I've tried that) and it would have to be done with the help of a court order. Ahhhhh, the joys of parenting! kasha tough love time.... contribute and get your ass in gear or get out... I've got a cousin EXACLTY like you describe, he's now 49, living with my aunt & uncle *again*, works when he feels like it, knows damn well he should get off his ass but is not motivated, knows theres always that safety net I guess. Other than that he's a good guy, no bad vices or crap like that, actually had him work for me a couple of times & he's not afrain of work, just cant get motivated because he's never been pushed to, and he's the type that needs it cheers ------------------- You've got it absolutely ass-backwards. He was always pushed and always disliked it, and he learned to resist it by paralysis. Steve
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#25
July 26th 03, 06:41 PM
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A teenager question
"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message ...
T.R.H. wrote: tough love time.... contribute and get your ass in gear or get out... I've got a cousin EXACLTY like you describe, he's now 49, living with my aunt & uncle *again*, works when he feels like it, knows damn well he should get off his ass but is not motivated, knows theres always that safety net I guess. Other than that he's a good guy, no bad vices or crap like that, actually had him work for me a couple of times & he's not afrain of work, just cant get motivated because he's never been pushed to, and he's the type that needs it cheers ------------------- You've got it absolutely ass-backwards. He was always pushed and always disliked it, and he learned to resist it by paralysis. Steve Although I do believe that is a valid theory in some cases, I have to disagree that it applies to my situation. No, my son wasn't pushed. That's not my style. I'm pretty liberal and have always let the kids have a say in things. My son was motivated in the past to do things he enjoyed, like sports, camps, jobs, etc. If I was the pushy type he would have been long gone. It was his choice to leave school and I didn't make him stay. I was the mom who did his paper route so he could go skiing and have the fun kids are supposed to have. If anything, that could be the problem, that I wasn't pushy enough ... but then he was a motivated and driven youngster and didn't need pushing, wouldn't have stood for it anyway. He's just become lazy, stubborn, and defiant. Says he didn't ask to be brought into this life and so justifies his behavior with that ... that the world owes him or more to the point ... I owe him. It's not paralysis ... it's downright selfishness. kasha
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#26
July 26th 03, 08:15 PM
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A teenager question
kasha wrote:
It's hard to believe someone who used to be so active with snowboarding and rock climbing and biking can just settle for an such unsatisfying life .... and it has to be unsatisfying. Has drugs or a mental illness crossed your mind?
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#27
July 26th 03, 08:53 PM
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A teenager question
On Sat, 26 Jul 2003 18:12:03 GMT, Wendy Marsden
wrote: kasha wrote: I was the mom who did his paper route so he could go skiing and have the fun kids are supposed to have. Oh, dear. I've been doing it backwards. I thought *they* were supposed to earn their fun money. I agree that kids should hold their own jobs and earn their own money That said, I think the occasional ski trip, scout trip, type thing is not unreasonable for a kid. In my case I did it because my kids couldnt find substitutes, and for them not to deliver would have been unfair to the customers. Usually averaged a week, maybe two a year. Also did it when said kid was sick, and drove him through blizzards Barb Wendy
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#28
July 26th 03, 08:59 PM
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A teenager question
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#29
July 26th 03, 11:14 PM
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A teenager question
On Sat, 26 Jul 2003 21:53:29 +0200, Barbara Bomberger
wrote: On Sat, 26 Jul 2003 18:12:03 GMT, Wendy Marsden wrote: kasha wrote: I was the mom who did his paper route so he could go skiing and have the fun kids are supposed to have. Oh, dear. I've been doing it backwards. I thought *they* were supposed to earn their fun money. I agree that kids should hold their own jobs and earn their own money That said, I think the occasional ski trip, scout trip, type thing is not unreasonable for a kid. I don't think trips are unreasonable, but I do think that kids may have to give up trips when they take on a job. And they should actually realize this when they take the job on In my case I did it because my kids couldnt find substitutes, and for them not to deliver would have been unfair to the customers. Yes, it would be unfair to the customers. OTOH, it is an important lesson in priorities - that they must sometimes decide between two things that are important and that when they take a job, they have to cope with the consequences if they cannot find subs to help them Usually averaged a week, maybe two a year. Also did it when said kid was sick, and drove him through blizzards When he was sick, I think it is a good thing to help him. But blizzards? I don't know that people expect paper delivery during a blizzard anyway. Once the blizzard is over, then he could probably still deliver the paper on his own.. We certainly managed here when we were young. Barb Wendy -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. Outer Limits
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#30
July 26th 03, 11:34 PM
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A teenager question
kasha wrote:
"R. Steve Walz" wrote in message ... T.R.H. wrote: tough love time.... contribute and get your ass in gear or get out... I've got a cousin EXACLTY like you describe, he's now 49, living with my aunt & uncle *again*, works when he feels like it, knows damn well he should get off his ass but is not motivated, knows theres always that safety net I guess. Other than that he's a good guy, no bad vices or crap like that, actually had him work for me a couple of times & he's not afrain of work, just cant get motivated because he's never been pushed to, and he's the type that needs it cheers ------------------- You've got it absolutely ass-backwards. He was always pushed and always disliked it, and he learned to resist it by paralysis. Steve Although I do believe that is a valid theory in some cases, I have to disagree that it applies to my situation. No, my son wasn't pushed. ------------- The "pusher" always denies it. That's not my style. I'm pretty liberal and have always let the kids have a say in things. My son was motivated in the past to do things he enjoyed, like sports, camps, jobs, etc. If I was the pushy type he would have been long gone. ------------- Doesn't take much. You literally have to stifle yourself to keep from harming his motivational dynamic. It was his choice to leave school and I didn't make him stay. I was the mom who did his paper route so he could go skiing ------------ Why? and have the fun kids are supposed to have. -------------- Supposed to? Who said? Gee, I thought MY PAPER ROUTE was fun. If anything, that could be the problem, that I wasn't pushy enough ... -------------- That's what "pushers" in denial ALWAYS say. They secretly always believe they didn't push hard ENOUGH, so they minimize TREMENDOUSLY! but then he was a motivated and driven youngster and didn't need pushing, wouldn't have stood for it anyway. He's just become lazy, stubborn, and defiant. ------------------ Now why in the world would he do that unless you actually pushed him? What in the world would be his motivation? You see, kids HAVE TO GET THAT FROM SOMEWHERE!!! You were pushing the **** out of him and denying it. Says he didn't ask to be brought into this life and so justifies his behavior with that ... that the world owes him or more to the point ... I owe him. It's not paralysis ... it's downright selfishness. kasha ------------------- He obviously is feeling that way for a reason. Now think: If you had always been his best friend who encouraged him in everything HE wanted to try and NEVER had pushed him at something he didn't like, WHERE DID his current disappointment come from?? It DOES NOT COME FROM NOWHERE, there is NO NOWHERE for it to COME FROM!! It comes precisely and exactly from the way you treat him! Everybody knows this about parents and children, so why do you deny it? And it's time you come to grips with it, because YOU'RE in HUGE DENIAL!! Steve
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