A Parenting & kids forum. ParentingBanter.com

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Go Back   Home » ParentingBanter.com forum » misc.kids » General (moderated)
Site Map Home Authors List Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read Web Partners

How to deal with interfering grandparents?



 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old May 2nd 04, 12:58 PM
Abi
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default How to deal with interfering grandparents?

Hi,

I was wondering whether anyone can advise re my DH's parents -
grandparents to the baby girl I have just recently had. I find them
incredibly interfering - they keep offering unwanted advice like their
word is gospel, and seem to delight when I do something wrong. My DH
is always on the phone to them discussing problems with the baby, so
they probably think we cant handle caring for her ok. The baby is
absolutely happy and healthy and there are no real problems in my
opinion.
To make matters worse, they dont do anything with their lives other
than look after their other grandchild - almost as if this child were
their own. As a result, this child is the most spoiled kid ever. They
want to come and visit regularly, but when they do, the conversation
never goes anywhere other than children and childcare - which to be
frank is a little boring - especially over the course of a few hours.
I really dont want them taking over the care of my baby and so I am
not sure how to tactfully tell them to back off? It wouldn't be so
bad if I could enjoy their company as adult to adult, but this hasn't
been possible so far.
thanks

  #2  
Old May 2nd 04, 02:17 PM
dragonlady
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default How to deal with interfering grandparents?

In article ,
(Abi) wrote:

Hi,

I was wondering whether anyone can advise re my DH's parents -
grandparents to the baby girl I have just recently had. I find them
incredibly interfering - they keep offering unwanted advice like their
word is gospel, and seem to delight when I do something wrong. My DH
is always on the phone to them discussing problems with the baby, so
they probably think we cant handle caring for her ok. The baby is
absolutely happy and healthy and there are no real problems in my
opinion.
To make matters worse, they dont do anything with their lives other
than look after their other grandchild - almost as if this child were
their own. As a result, this child is the most spoiled kid ever. They
want to come and visit regularly, but when they do, the conversation
never goes anywhere other than children and childcare - which to be
frank is a little boring - especially over the course of a few hours.
I really dont want them taking over the care of my baby and so I am
not sure how to tactfully tell them to back off? It wouldn't be so
bad if I could enjoy their company as adult to adult, but this hasn't
been possible so far.
thanks


The best advice I got from my mother when I had my first child was about
handling advice (including hers). She said to smile and say thank you.
Then ignore it unless it was something that made sense to me. If they
persist, she suggested calling in the doctor (whether it was something
you'd actually discussed with the doctor or not), as in "My doctor says
this is the right way to do it."

Does DH know how you feel about this? If he doesn't, he needs to.

As far as where the conversation goes -- the only thing you can do is to
continue to change the subject. Ask about other things in their life,
talk about politics, whatever else interests them, and continue to
change the subject. With some folks, it doesn't work well, but you can
try.

Good luck!

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

  #3  
Old May 2nd 04, 08:25 PM
Penny Gaines
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default How to deal with interfering grandparents?

Abi wrote in :

Hi,

I was wondering whether anyone can advise re my DH's parents -
grandparents to the baby girl I have just recently had. I find them
incredibly interfering - they keep offering unwanted advice like their
word is gospel, and seem to delight when I do something wrong. My DH
is always on the phone to them discussing problems with the baby, so
they probably think we cant handle caring for her ok. The baby is
absolutely happy and healthy and there are no real problems in my
opinion.


Like DragonLady says, when they offer advice just thank them for it,
and then say something like "I've been told to do it this way".

Does your dh ring them with problems, or do they ring you? If they ring
you and get dh to talk to them, I would accept it as they well of
interacting with their son: as long as the phone calls don't take time
awy from family life, I would just treat it as dh's problem. If dh
rings them up, I'd would be inclined to find other sources of information
for dh to use.

To make matters worse, they dont do anything with their lives other
than look after their other grandchild - almost as if this child were
their own. As a result, this child is the most spoiled kid ever. They
want to come and visit regularly, but when they do, the conversation
never goes anywhere other than children and childcare - which to be
frank is a little boring - especially over the course of a few hours.
I really dont want them taking over the care of my baby and so I am
not sure how to tactfully tell them to back off? It wouldn't be so
bad if I could enjoy their company as adult to adult, but this hasn't
been possible so far.
thanks


Some ILs are just boring. What did you talk about before you had the baby?
If it was this other child, I think you have to accept that what they talk
about is children, and take up knitting in their company (or cross-stitch,
or something that uses your hands) so that you are getting something
productive done while they are being boring.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

  #4  
Old May 2nd 04, 09:59 PM
Rosalie B.
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default How to deal with interfering grandparents?

Penny Gaines wrote:

Abi wrote in :

Hi,

I was wondering whether anyone can advise re my DH's parents -
grandparents to the baby girl I have just recently had. I find them
incredibly interfering - they keep offering unwanted advice like their
word is gospel, and seem to delight when I do something wrong. My DH


Some people offer advice on everything but advice is worth what you
pay for it, and the price on this advice is too high IMHO.

is always on the phone to them discussing problems with the baby, so
they probably think we cant handle caring for her ok. The baby is
absolutely happy and healthy and there are no real problems in my
opinion.


Like DragonLady says, when they offer advice just thank them for it,
and then say something like "I've been told to do it this way".

Does your dh ring them with problems, or do they ring you? If they ring
you and get dh to talk to them, I would accept it as they well of
interacting with their son: as long as the phone calls don't take time
awy from family life, I would just treat it as dh's problem. If dh
rings them up, I'd would be inclined to find other sources of information
for dh to use.


If my dh was to do that (ring his parents and discuss child care
problems) I'd give him a few words, and they wouldn't be nice ones. I
would be (and tell him that I was) incredibly hurt that he would
disrespect me this way. I would ask him never to tell his parents
about any problems that were not already solved.

To make matters worse, they dont do anything with their lives other
than look after their other grandchild - almost as if this child were
their own. As a result, this child is the most spoiled kid ever. They
want to come and visit regularly, but when they do, the conversation
never goes anywhere other than children and childcare - which to be
frank is a little boring - especially over the course of a few hours.


Sometimes people just don't have anything in common. My MIL (although
the least interfering person I've ever met - she absolutely NEVER
offered any advice of any sort) was also pretty hard to talk to. She
just didn't have any conversation.

As a topic of conversation, I suggest your dh. What cute things did
dh do when he was a baby and toddler? How early did he walk etc.
Where were they living then? What kinds of things did they do?

If you ask the questions, and appear interested in the answers, then
you can head off the advice - keep them talking about dh.

I really dont want them taking over the care of my baby and so I am
not sure how to tactfully tell them to back off? It wouldn't be so
bad if I could enjoy their company as adult to adult, but this hasn't
been possible so far.
thanks


Just smile and thank them and go on and do it your way. Just because
they GIVE you advice doesn't mean you have to take it. You don't even
really have to say that your doctor told you to do it another way.
When they fail to get a reaction from you, the advice will probably
taper off.

Some ILs are just boring. What did you talk about before you had the baby?
If it was this other child, I think you have to accept that what they talk
about is children, and take up knitting in their company (or cross-stitch,
or something that uses your hands) so that you are getting something
productive done while they are being boring.


grandma Rosalie

  #5  
Old March 21st 05, 05:00 PM
Anon E. Mouse
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

In article ,
says...
Hi,

I was wondering whether anyone can advise re my DH's parents -
grandparents to the baby girl I have just recently had. I find them
incredibly interfering - they keep offering unwanted advice like their
word is gospel, and seem to delight when I do something wrong. My DH
is always on the phone to them discussing problems with the baby, so
they probably think we cant handle caring for her ok. The baby is
absolutely happy and healthy and there are no real problems in my
opinion.
To make matters worse, they dont do anything with their lives other
than look after their other grandchild - almost as if this child were
their own. As a result, this child is the most spoiled kid ever. They
want to come and visit regularly, but when they do, the conversation
never goes anywhere other than children and childcare - which to be
frank is a little boring - especially over the course of a few hours.
I really dont want them taking over the care of my baby and so I am
not sure how to tactfully tell them to back off? It wouldn't be so
bad if I could enjoy their company as adult to adult, but this hasn't
been possible so far.
thanks





Change the subject in conversation. If they keep bringing it back to
childcare, say something dismissive like, "Oh, let's talk about
something else, please! We've entirely exhausted that topic, I think!"
Say it with a light-hearted tone and then immediately change the subject
again. If they continue to bring it back up, just tell them directly
that you really do not wish to discuss that topic further. At that
point you should probably just tell them how you feel. Politely explain
that you appreciate their intentions but that you're feeling a little
overwhelmed and would very much appreciate it if your interactions could
be more relaxed in the future. That would be my general approach,
anyway.

AEM

 




Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Student expelled for loaning inhaler reaches deal with school billy f General 7 October 12th 03 04:55 AM
Journalist looking for stories about how kids connect to grandparents Tish Davidson General (moderated) 2 September 28th 03 09:28 PM
Grandparents visiting Tish Davidson General 6 September 22nd 03 05:38 AM
Journalist looking for stories about how kids connect to grandparents Tish Davidson General 0 September 19th 03 04:39 AM
Review: How to Deal (*) Steve Rhodes General 0 August 4th 03 09:17 PM


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:34 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004-2024 ParentingBanter.com.
The comments are property of their posters.