another breastfeeding thing :)

"Emily" wrote
Lots of my relatives (parents, stepparents, grandma, brothers) like
to believe that the first time they see DS do something, they "taught"
him it. I've just decided to classify that under "smile and nod".
They don't see him all the time, so they can't really know whether
what's new to them is new or not, and it makes them feel special...

Oh, Emily....I really need to work harder at this "smile and nod" thing!! My
life would be so much simpler if I could. I feel so uptight sometimes, lol.
My mom is demanding that I keep a notebook with everything she buys the baby
in it written down, so that the baby will be sure to know what SHE bought
for her. If I could just smile and nod. But, I have to tell her how stupid I
think that idea is and ask her why she wants a written record of her
purchases and ask her who she is competing with.

I definitely need to work on this smile and nod thing.

Jill

Jill wrote:

Oh, Emily....I really need to work harder at this "smile and nod" thing!! My
life would be so much simpler if I could. I feel so uptight sometimes, lol.
My mom is demanding that I keep a notebook with everything she buys the baby
in it written down, so that the baby will be sure to know what SHE bought
for her. If I could just smile and nod. But, I have to tell her how stupid I
think that idea is and ask her why she wants a written record of her
purchases and ask her who she is competing with.

Wow -- she does sound like a piece of work. I think the "smile and
nod" response there is to say that you don't have time to keep such
a notebook, but that she is welcome to. Maybe if it's her own time
she won't feel like wasting it that way!

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
Scheherazade, stillborn at 20 weeks, 3/2/04

On Thu, 11 Mar 2004 15:10:16 -0500, "Donna"
wrote:

I actually have a lot of sympathy for my parents. They used the knowledge
they had to give us the very best start they possibly could (just like I am
doing for Sarah). They were probably a little upset that I wasn't doing
things their way. And in thirty years, when things are different for my
daughter, I'll have to remember how I felt, too. I think the important
thing to remember is not to imply that your parents did things "wrong" or
"worse" than you will. They did the best they could, with the knowledge
available to them. Just like we are.

My health visitor has a student working with her at the moment and we
were talking yesterday. She's just done a breastfeeding education day
at a local hospital and said to me "you know, I felt robbed! I didn't
know any of this stuff when I had my babies. I wish mums could have
that day, before they have their babies, to learn all about the
benefits of breastfeeding. I'm so proud of you for learning about this
stuff for yourself!"
--
Linz
YB: 4.5 months, 16lbs 6oz

I agree with Emily. If she insists on 'keeping score' then let her
write the notebook...

On Fri, 12 Mar 2004 06:42:29 GMT, Emily wrote:

Jill wrote:

Oh, Emily....I really need to work harder at this "smile and nod" thing!! My
life would be so much simpler if I could. I feel so uptight sometimes, lol.
My mom is demanding that I keep a notebook with everything she buys the baby
in it written down, so that the baby will be sure to know what SHE bought
for her. If I could just smile and nod. But, I have to tell her how stupid I
think that idea is and ask her why she wants a written record of her
purchases and ask her who she is competing with.

Wow -- she does sound like a piece of work. I think the "smile and
nod" response there is to say that you don't have time to keep such
a notebook, but that she is welcome to. Maybe if it's her own time
she won't feel like wasting it that way!

HollyLewis wrote in message
...
Yes.. yes.. yes! I agree totally. I want to be the one who first does
things. I wanted to be the one who made dd#1's first birthday cake and
had
to say so. I agree.
One thing I regret is dd#1's crawling. She moved around, but I didn't see
it. She'd just suddenly be there at the stairgate when I was cooking or
would have moved to the other side of the room while I was throwing her
nappy out etc.

There's a big difference between first *experiences* -- in which I include
the
first solid feedings, as well as things like the first encounter with a
dog,
first time feeling snow, first time going down a playground slide -- and
*developmental* firsts -- which is the stuff like smiling, rolling over,
crawling, walking.

The latter you sometimes miss, despite being the most devoted parent in
the
world, because you can't plan when it's going to happen. My son walked in
front of an evening babysitter a full week before DH and I ever saw him do
it!
Yes, but my objection is that she was moving before. I said she was moving,
but this is ignored so they can tell people that they caused her crawling. I
wouldn't mind them saying she was first seen moving-but it always comes
across as they did it, it was their achievement not that dd#1 was just on
the point of moving, which she obviously was. I also get the slight
impression that "if you had done what we did then she would have moved
sooner...bad mummy!"
I wouldn't mind if she had crawled first for them, in most ways, but when
she didn't it's irritating to have it gone on about!
I'm not sure you can plan first snow either!

But the former are things you can plan for. And as a parent it it your
right
to plan them for times when *you* can and will be there. We all have a
little
bit different list of which firsts we want to witness, but the first solid
foods is a pretty universal one. It's definitely not "Momzilla" like to
object
to grandparents, or anyone else, usurping your place as the feeder of the
first
solids -- nor as the giver of the first bath, or the provider of the first
finger paints, or any other similar role -- unless you've specifically
invited
them to do so.
If they're present at the first bath though, a few photos are nice. (dd#1's
first was in the kitchen sink)
Debbie

Emily wrote in message
news:9E44c.6329$C51.52059@attbi_s52...
Welches wrote:
One thing I regret is dd#1's crawling. She moved around, but I didn't
see
it. She'd just suddenly be there at the stairgate when I was cooking or
would have moved to the other side of the room while I was throwing her
nappy out etc. She'd done this for about a week when we went to my IL.
The
first evening she moved over when we could all see her to knock over a
tower
my fil built. I have been told over and over again how fil "got" her to
crawl as though it was his achievement. I wish when they'd asked if she
crawled I had said a simple "yes" rather than explaining what she was
doing.
It's as though they're trying to take possession of her crawling, and,
yes,
they still tell people how they did this.
I do find with mil, that I have to "side" with dd#1 sometimes, although
I
like to present a united line for dd not to cross. If I disagree with
mil my
loyalties are to give dd#1 a fair deal, not back up ridiculous demands
by
her.
Debbie

Lots of my relatives (parents, stepparents, grandma, brothers) like
to believe that the first time they see DS do something, they "taught"
him it. I've just decided to classify that under "smile and nod".
They don't see him all the time, so they can't really know whether
what's new to them is new or not, and it makes them feel special...

I did this at first, but they've made such an issue of it I wish I'd stood
firm and said that they hadn't, because it now irritates me when they tell
me about it again. (and I was present when it happened so I wouldn't need
telling either)
Debbie

(HollyLewis) wrote in message ...

We all have a little
bit different list of which firsts we want to witness, but the first solid
foods is a pretty universal one.

Unfortunately, this is something that I missed with #3. At his four
month check-up, his doctor said that we could start introducing solids
if we wanted. Since then, his older brothers have been itching to
feed him something, but we explained that we wanted to wait. About a
month later, we purchased a new high chair and had been using it to
let him sit and play in. The next day, we had a babysitter, and Caleb
(7 yo) told her that the baby could eat applesauce. Since we had baby
spoons in the drawer, applesauce in the fridge, and a new high chair,
she assumed Caleb knew what he was talking about. I guess he ended up
spitting most of it out which I was glad to hear. Still, I would have
liked to have been there.

~ Sher

"Jill" wrote in message .com...
(snip) Also, my mom says lead paint doesn't really hurt
babies/kids and doesn't think about things like mini-blinds being a
safety/hanging hazard etc. She told me recently that she KNOWS lead paint
isn't a problem because our nurseries were painted with it. (!!) I asked her
how she knows......I have bad allergies and migraines.

BTW, your mom and you are both right and wrong about the lead paint.
Lead paint is only a problem if the baby ingests it. So, if you have
peeling paint, and the baby chews on it, or if you are sanding lead
paint to remove it, then yes, you have a hazard to the baby. But if
it's just on the wall, it's not a problem (unless the baby licks it!).
Window sills are the biggest chewing hazard, btw. Lead in soil is
more of a general hazard, actually.

(I'm an architect, and did my master's degree specializing in historic
preservation, so I feel reasonably comfortable telling you this.)

Irene

Emily wrote in message news:2I44c.9625$Gm5.22553@attbi_s04...
So, I'm just reacting to this....and feeling like Momzilla more every day.

That sounds pretty intense, Jill. I think you're reacting
appropriately. You might want to sit your mom down and have
a talk, starting with something postive, like "DD is really
lucky that she'll have her grandma so close, and I'm really
looking forward to seeing what a close relationship you develop."
and then moving on to asserting yourself as the mother, and
saying that there are certain things where "just once" *can*
hurt (e.g., introducing food of any kind before it's time --
there are several worries here, including allergies), and lay
out some guidelines: Only feed DD what I say she can be fed
(which may be nothing or only bottles of expressed breastmilk,
at first), no TV, ... You might want to end with something
like how you appreciated the way you were brought up and the
good job your mother did and continues to do as your mother,
but now you're a mom too, and you need to find your own way,
learning from both your mother and the current research, etc
of today.

I haven't finished reading the whole thread yet...but I just have to
say that while it's great to sometimes have a grandparent babysit (my
parents and in-laws live 9 hours away) and helpful to have supplies on
hand when visiting...having this much stuff so early sems overkill.

From personal experience, my MIL was worse about telling us we were
doing everything wrong. My mom was much better...but only after I
kicked her out of my house about 4 days after DS was born (she was
freaking out about my breastfeeding and about my DH taking the baby to
the living room and letting him sleep in his arms when I couldn't
sleep with him in the cosleeper next to me...light sleeper...I'd wake
up every time the baby moved...about every 5 minutes). She pretty much
accused us of child abuse...we didn't talk for a very long time after
that...and she still isn't really welcome in our house...we only
concede so my father can see DS. In fact...the plan for this time
around is for my father to visit when the baby is due to watch DS and
help out. My mother is not welcome (she also freaked out about the
birth of DS...I allowed her to be there...and she couldn't handle the
fact that I went natural, which my doctor supported and later told me
how great I did...ESPECIALLY as a first time and dealing with the
totally freaky precipitous labor).

I've heard all kinds of things from my MIL...and we have decided that
she is not allowed to babysit unsupervised (someone else must be
there...like grandpa). Not only is she a hypochondriac...but she also
lacks common sense. Like wanting to carry a baby down stairs (she has
vertigo).

A little over a year ago, my MIL and FIL came for a visit and babysat
so that the DH and I could have an evening out. Well...she doesn't
cook much...and though we warned her that going out to dinner with DS
was iffy...she insisted. She asked us where a good place to go that DS
would eat something...and what to order for him...so we told her.
Bases covered, right? We get back from our evening out and ask how
things went...blah blah blah. The kicker? Well...we thought it was
quite obvious from the time she had spent with us that DS only drank
milk, water...and VERY occasionally juice (heck...when he was an
infant we didn't use prepared baby food...we made our own). She
ordered him a coke at the restaurant. I was livid. DS wasn't even 2
years old...I think he was about 18 months. To the credit of my
son...he refused to drink the soda.

Of course...that's not the best example of why we don't let her
babysit alone. That would be the fact that she freaked out the day
after DS's 2nd birthday and tried to commit suicide. Long story. Not a
stable woman.

OK, I guess I've complained enough. Be prepared for anything, and
remember to trust your instincts, and that the health of the baby is
more important than the feelings of mom or MIL.


aml

Jill wrote:

Oh, about Momzilla-ness, I also have other worries that are totally
crazy,,,it's just because I want to experience my baby, the grandparents had
their chances, but the way they are acting really seems like they want to
relive their own new mommy with new baby days all over.

Maybe I'm the odd person out here, but really, what's
wrong with that? When your grandchildren are born someday,
won't you want to sneak back to that delicious new baby time
for a little while?

One other thing I am worried about is my mom taking my daughter to get her
ears pierced, when that is something *I* want to do, when my daughter is old
enough to want it done. I am NOT a believer in piercing a baby's ears when
they are an infant. I am not a control freak but I want to share the moments
with my own daughter and I am afraid my mom is going to give me problems in
this area. It's silly to worry about it now (but in the past some of my
silly worries come true!)....so it seems petty, but I can't help it. The
grandmothers, especially my mom since this is her first grandchild) are
getting way overexcited it seems to me...my mom is planning to set her house
up with a crib and baby supplies such as crib sheets and other furniture.
She calls me a control freak when I tell her I don't see any reason in that
since we live 30-45 minutes away. She has bottles and and bibs and all these
supplies. I saw baby food in her cabinet last time I was there, she said she
likes the way it looks in her cabinets! But she also said it was for her
DOG.

So, I'm just reacting to this....and feeling like Momzilla more every day.

I'm not in your situation, so I don't know what's
reasonable for you or not. It sounds like there's a lot more
to this than just new stuff to d with the baby. You obviously
don't trust your mother (or the in-laws) to respect your wishes,
and I assume that must be based on past behavior. I don't know
what I'd do if I didn't trust my parents.
Since I do trust my parents and have a good relationship
with them, however, I find it odd to freak out over the things
you mention. My parents live almost next door (there's one
home between ours and theirs). My kids have their own room
there (including a crib for the baby). They have their own
baby supplies (diapers, wipes, bouncy seat, Exersaucer,
blankets, change of clothes, food, feeding supplies, carseat,
stroller, etc.). In fact, sometimes I buy duplicates for them
to keep at their house. My kids learn new things over there
when I'm not around sometimes, and occasionally that's a
bit wistful, but on the other hand, I'm with my kids the
vast majority of the time. I get the lion's share of their
time and attention. Why not share? The joy my parents get
from their grandkids is a great joy for *me*. What better
way to say thanks for all they did for me as my parents?
I love the great relationship my kid have with my parents.
I love that in a pinch they can step in if I'm sick or need
to go somewhere and the kids feel almost as comfortable
as if they're with me. I love the different perspective my
parents have on my kids, and I love that my kids have another
adult they trust to go to when they don't feel like talking
to me or DH.
Again, all this is possible because I do trust my
parents to respect my role as the parent. They are welcome
to advise (and I listen with great respect for their
knowledge and experience), but I get to make the decisions
and they're fine with that. Every once in a while they'll
maybe do something I wouldn't do, but certainly nothing
that would create significant harm! Heck, I make mistakes
all the time. I'm certainly not going to throw rocks if
my parents make the occaional mistake.
Anyway, I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
It may or may not be achievable in your situation, but it
sure is lovely for us.

Best wishes,
Ericka