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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004 - * - In which we already know the sad ending The story begins with a high AFP reading at 16 weeks and a diagnosis of moderately decreased amniotic fluid at our 17 week ultrasound. The OB said it wasn't good, but it might resolve with rest. By 19 weeks, however, I was leaking fluid and a new ultrasound showed severely decreased amniotic fluid. The next day, at an appointment with a perinatologist, we saw absolutely no fluid. The doctors told us that the prognosis for the baby was very poor under these conditions. Most likely I would deliver too early on my own, and even if I carried the baby to term (or what would otherwise be close enough), the baby's lungs wouldn't develop, which is incompatible with life. Rather than continue the pregnancy, we decided the best choice for me (physically, in terms of reducing the risk of infection, and emotionally, in terms of being able to get on with life), was to induce. We scheduled appointments for laminaria (seaweed to dilate the cervix in preparation) for Monday (3/1/04, 20 weeks) and Tuesday, and the induction for Wednesday. We trusted the doctors to be knowledgeable about the condition and it's likely outcome, but wanted to feel like we were making the most informed choice we could. Over the weekend we searched through the medical literature so we could find the basis for their advice, and we did. The studies that we read about indicated that the prognosis was indeed very poor, for our situation (high AFP + decreased fluid, especially decreased fluid at this point in the pregnancy). Reading through all that, we felt confident in our decision. We did decide to take one more look on the ultrasound to make sure that there was still no fluid before going ahead with anything. As it happens, it seems that I probably would have delivered the baby pretty soon anyway. Sunday night I was having frequent, though not strong, contractions. We went in to L&D triage to get checked (after calling the OB). They put me on a contraction monitor, but they don't work very well this early, because the uterus is still too small. They also did an internal check, and found that my cervix was soft and anterior, but still not effaced and only 1cm dilated. So, we went home and got some sleep. The contractions stopped over night, and I had a lot of what was probably bloody show. Monday morning we went to the perinatologists, and spoke first with a social worker. She gave us information about grief groups, funeral homes, and milk banks (this last at my request), and gently told a little bit about what we might expect of the grieving process. Then we saw a nurse and the perinatologist. He did a brief physical exam of me (heart, lungs, etc) and then took a look with the ultrasound. There was indeed still no fluid. I actually hadn't been feeling kicks for a little while, and so was afraid the baby may have already died, but her heart was still beating. The perinatologist then placed the laminaria, to which my body took offense! He went out for a moment, and then came back to tell us that I was already dilated enough that we could move the induction up to Tuesday. They rescheduled all that for us. The laminaria were pretty awful, but things settled down about an hour or so after they were placed. Around 6:30 I started having contractions every 10 minutes. At 7:30 they switched to every 5 minutes, and I called the doctor. She said to take some Ibuprofen, and call back in an hour. An hour later I called back to say that they had spaced out some, but were still continuing. I spoke with a nurse-midwife who said that I had in fact probably reached the peak of what would happen that night, but to call back if it got more intense, or if I had a lot of bleeding. Sure enough, they contractions petered out by 10pm. I think what happened was that they had pretty much expanded as much as they could at that point. One nice thing about the laminaria is that they provided some welcome respite from all the discharge I'd been having -- they work by absorbing it. The next morning we got to the hospital around 7:45am (a bit later than scheduled, because of traffic), and got checked in. It turns out there wasn't that much of a hurry, since the nurse needed to wait for the doctor (the same perinatologist we'd seen the previous Thursday) to arrive before starting much of anything. I had high hopes that they would soon take the laminaria out, but the doctor decided they should stay in as long as possible to get maximum benefit. The birthing sweet was really nice, with a jacuzzi tub (didn't use it), TV and sound system, windows with a pretty view to the East... The nurse (who had a 7 to 7 shift and stayed with us the whole time -- it seemed she didn't have any other patients that day) helped me get settled, and placed the IV... or tried to. On the first go it went through my vein, and so they had to put it in the other arm instead. The IV had fluid and antibiotics, later some anti-nausea medication, and finally some pitocin (for the placenta). Then she placed the first dose of misoprostil (Cycotec) -- a tablet right next to my cervix. We had been told that the process takes anywhere from 6 to 36 hours, but that I would probably be on the shorter end of that. I said this to the nurse, and she said in her experience it usually takes two dose of misoprostil, which are given every 4 hours. So, at least 4 hours. She also said that it wasn't so much contractions as constant "cramping" and I began to worry I would be in for multiple hours of continuous pain, and began to consider pain medication more seriously. For the first hour with the misoprostil, nothing much happened. I could feel my uterus reacting to the misoprostil, but it wasn't painful. Around 10:20 or so the perinatologist came in. She said that when it takes a long time, it's mostly just a long time waiting for things to get started, and then only about an hour of the painful part. That sounded much more doable! We had turned on CNN on the TV while were waiting, and I read a little bit of the book that I had brought (a historical account of the writing of the _Oxford English Dictionary_). My mom arrived (after having dropped DS off at daycare) sometime before the perinatologist came in. The nurse spent a lot of time chatting with us. She was really wonderful, and very comforting to have around (both at this point and later in the day). At one point I told her that I was looking forward to maybe being able to have a birth someday without artificial augmentation (pitocin, misoprostil). She said that from what she'd seen of women laboring, it didn't seem all that different to her. I think she was trying to be comforting with that remark, but it wasn't so much: I'm proud of having delivered DS on pitocin without any pain meds, and therefore would like to think that I made it through something extra difficult! (Then again, I didn't have back labor, or anything like that, so maybe on average she does have a point...) At some point during this first hour, the social worker came by to have us sign something (I think), and to gather the information for the fetal death certificate. We had decided a few nights ago to name the baby. Our code names had been Rufus (for a boy, and this is the name DS mostly used) and Scheherazade for a girl. We decided that Rufus was just a bit to silly, so that we'd use Alex Rufus for a boy's name. Scheherazade was pretty (if an impractical name to live with), and furthermore long enough that we thought it didn't need a middle name with it. So, just Scheherazade last name for a girl. We got to see just how impractical it would be when we had to spell it for the social worker (and later for the nurse, when she was making our memory box). Around 10:30, I started having contractions. The first two were 10 minutes apart, but then they got closer together. I went to the bathroom, and then worked on finding a good position to be in. I remembered from DS's birth that if I could position myself over my own center of gravity, it was easier to let the energy of the contractions move through me, and not resist them. So I sat on the bed in something like a cross-legged position. My needs were bent so that my feet were tucked towards me, but neither leg was on top of the other. I put on my iPod and sat with my lower back straight and my head down, and listened to the same music that I listened to with DS (George Winston's _December_ album). I was very sad during this time, I think partially from the contrast between the two births. Tears just rolled down my cheeks, and I had a tissue in my hand to wipe them away. Mom and DH took turns sitting near me. They really wanted to comfort me, but mostly I just needed to sit in my position and listen to the music. I wondered if my body was producing endorphins along with the tears. The contractions were long, and pretty much right on top of the other. The nurse & dr kept calling them "cramps" instead of contractions, but they sure felt like contractions to me. I also noticed at one point that I couldn't feel the IV at all -- I thought about it with my eyes closed and it just wasn't detectable (although I could feel the bruise where they had first placed it in the other arm). I was grateful for that. After about 45 minutes, things let up a bit. I looked up and remarked that I doubted this is what Apple had in mind with the iPod! After that, the contractions were gentler and a bit more spaced out. I was able to talk with Mom, DH and the nurse in between and just close my eyes and tune out for a minute or whatever it took when one came. This lasted another 45 minutes, at which point, I started feeling "pressure" with the contractions. They said this was a sign that the baby was almost out, and so I told the nurse. On the first one, it wasn't very strong pressure, but it was definite. The nurse said she'd have to take the laminaria out to check me (yay!), and my mom asked if I was just saying that about the pressure to get them out ;-). I was also nauseous. While the nurse added some anti-nausea medication to my IV, I had another contraction with more pressure. The nurse then said I could lie back when I felt a break in the contractions, and so I did. She took out the two gauze sponges which had been placed with the laminaria the previous day (which already made me more comfortable), and the misoprostil tablet fell out. She then felt around the laminaria, but then didn't take them out because she said she felt the baby right there. She went to get the perinatologist. I was surprised that the baby could be there already. It hadn't been easy, but I had been stealing myself for more, harder labor. The perinatologist came in, and took out the laminaria. My contractions were petering out again (presumably because the misoprostil was out). They told me I could push. I had one last contraction to push with, and then had to do the rest on my own. I think it only took about three pushes, and the baby came out all at once on the third (bottom first, we think), at exactly noon. DH says he looked away for just a moment, and there she was. She was born still; the perinatologist said she had probably died in the last 30 minutes or so. They cut the cord and then placed her in a blanket and handed her to me. We couldn't actually tell right away if she was a boy or a girl, but eventually decided girl. She weighed 9.4 oz and was 10" long. She was beautiful, especially her tiny feet and hands, with long delicate fingers, and finger nails, which already looked like they needed trimming. Looking at her face and imagining what she would have looked like at term, we think she looked a lot like her brother. She had long limbs. Sometimes it was hard to see her for the tears in my eyes. DH said he was glad we'd been doing some of the crying already, so he could look at her with clear eyes. I remembered to smell her and found that she did have her own smell. Different from DS's, and I'm sure unique to her. I haven't checked yet, but I bet the smell lingers on the blanket they wrapped her in, which we have. The nurse added some pitocin to my IV, to try to dislodge the placenta. I held Scheherazade until I was too uncomfortable, and then I handed her to DH. He held her for a long time, admiring her, and gave her a kiss. When she became cold, he handed her to the nurse. That's when she weighed her, and brought her to another room for a while. I was too tired at this point to try to make myself more comfortable by shifting positions. I was just lying back on the reclined bed. The pitocin did give me just continuous cramps. They weren't as strong as the contractions, but with no breaks. A few times they had me try pushing to see if it would come, but all I managed to push out were some clots. I was surprised that there was no blood coming through the cord, but I guess my body new enough to stop that -- or maybe the fetal heartbeat is what keeps it going? After an hour and fifteen minutes, and several uncomfortable exams in which the doctor checked whether the cervix was coming, I was just sick of it. We talked it over, and decided that I should just go for the D&C, and the nurse stopped the pitocin (whew). By the time we were done talking it over, I was bleeding enough that I would have to anyway. They wheeled me over to the OR (DH came with me to the door, but couldn't come in), where we were met by 3 anesthesiologists. One introduced herself as an "anesthesia doctor", so I new she was a resident. It turns out she's actually a resident at another hospital where my dad works, and knows him. That hospital doesn't have OB, so she was doing her OB rotation at the hospital where I delivered. The anesthesiology resident also called me "sweetheart", which I found a bit odd, especially as I'm probably older than she is. The anesthesiologists weren't pleased that I had been allowed to eat that day, and told me they have to place a breathing tube just in case (after I was out), which might give me a sore throat for a couple of days (it has). There was a flurry of activity as they transfered me from my bed to the OR stretcher (I helped in this process, and wondered how they would do it on the way back) hooked me up to various things (blood pressure, EKG, oxygen saturation), gave me some oxygen to breathe and then added the anesthetics to my IV. The last thing I remember is them saying I'd feel some pressure on my throat as I was falling asleep. Just as it was getting really uncomfortable (I *hate* being touched on the throat, under any circumstances), I was out. I came to back in the delivery room, where I could hear the nurse, DH and my mom talking. I started nodding and shaking my head in response to them, and the nurse asked me to cough a few times. Apparently one of the drugs involved in the anesthesia is an amnesiac (in case I wasn't asleep so that I wouldn't remember anything of the surgery?) and so my memories of the hour or so afterwards are a bit spotty. They don't feel spotty to me, but DH and my mom have told me plenty of conversations that we had once I was awake again, which I have absolutely no memory of. I do remember becoming aware of them, but being really sleepy, and not wanting to wake up. That slowly lifted. In stages over a few (30?) minutes, the nurse lifted my bed up more and more. I would have to stay in the hospital until 8pm (6 hours past when the D&C was done, I think), to make sure I was recovering okay. We started working on the checklist: bleeding not too bad, going to the bathroom by myself (I had a catheter while I was out, so that took a while), eating some food and keeping it down, no signs of infection. The nurse showed me the room service menu and I was hungry! I said I wanted to order the French dip sandwich and a milkshake (for my throat, which was indeed sore). She thought I should go for some soup, a fruit plate, and the milkshake. I wanted something salty, so I added french fries to that (with her approval). The food took a while to come. Before the food arrived, and once I felt like I was sitting up enough, I asked them to bring Scheherazade back so I could hold her some more. They had dressed her in a little gown and hat. My dad was coming by, and I wanted to show her to him. She had changed a little bit, as she was losing some of her fluid, but it was still good to hold her. My dad was quite moved. When he was done visiting, I talked to Scheherazade for a while, telling her that I loved her and that mommy and daddy would be okay and how I wished I could have heard her crying, rocked her, seen her first smile, seen her learn to walk and talk. I did rock her, but that was of course for me. I asked her to go find her Uncle Seth (my brother who died in a snowboarding accident 3 years ago), and to tell him 1,001 stories, and to ask him to teach her how to come visit me in dreams. I told her about the beautiful tree the folks in my department gave me. It's a species native to this area (just like her), and symbolic of long life and health, because it has medicinal properties. When we buy a house of our own (which I hope will be soon -- the tree can stay in its container for a few months at least), we'll plant the tree, and put her ashes at its base. When I was done, I asked the nurse to bring her to the other room again because DS was coming, but I also knew I wanted one more chance to say goodbye. Once I was back around from the anesthesia, DH decided to go pick up DS from daycare. It's been a very hard few weeks on DS, and I think his daddy just wanted to see him, too. They were going to the park, and DH mentioned that I was in the hospital. DS immediately said "No park. I wanna go to the hospital." So DH called to check it would be okay (he called while my dad was there), and they came, after having a snack. My food finally arrived, and I ate it and took some Ibuprofen. At first it was a little bit difficult, as DS wanted to sit in my lap. Eventually, I worked out that he could sit at the foot of my bed, if I sat cross-legged again. We entertained him with some of the juice and crackers the nurse had brought for me, and later with some ice. He also walked in the hall a bit, and charmed the nurse. A while later, my aunt and uncle came by (mostly to give my mom a birthday present), so my mom and DS met them in the hotel lobby, and DS had a snack. During this time, DH and I got a chance to say one more goodbye to Scheherazade together. When we were all done (bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye) the nurse brought her away and got her ready for the autopsy (we hope to find out something about the cause of all this). She brought us back a beautiful box with Scheherazade's blanket, gown and cap, a card with her footprints (the handprints were too hard to do), the measuring tape they used to measure her, and some polaroids that another nurse took of her. We added my hospital bracelet when they took it off. DH and I had dinner. Mom and DS came back, and we waited out the last 15 minutes until I could go at 8. I put my own clothes back on, DH went and picked up the Vicodin they prescribed for me just in case from the pharmacy. We got home and got DS to bed, and then went to bed pretty soon afterwards ourselves. I should have taken more Ibuprofen, because the afterpains were pretty intense overnight, but I was too tired to get up and have the food I'd have to have with it. My abdominal muscles are also much more sore than I remember with DS. Possibly because of the kind of pushing I had to do, or maybe because there aren't other aches to distract me! If my milk comes in (which may or may not happen given Scheherazade's gestational age), I plan to pump some and donate it to the milk bank in Colorado. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I'm not pumping now to try to get it to come in. I keep telling DS that soon I'll be all better, and can do all the things I used to do with him (including changing diapers!), and he is impatient for that. I look forward to doing all of that, and helping him get back on a firm footing after all this stress. What I know from losing my brother is that we will always be sad about this, but over time there will be more and more room for joy as well. In many ways, it was hard to know it was over and still be pregnant for a week, but in other ways, that time was good time to have -- to find peace with our decision, and to begin grieving -- and it is a relief to be through the delivery now. I know that no baby will ever replace this one, but I can think of nothing more healing than holding a live, healthy, term newborn in my arms, and watching him or her grow. With that in mind, I look forward to getting my body in good shape again and then trying again. -- Emily mom to Toby 5/1/02 Scheherazade, stillborn at 20 weeks 3/2/04 |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
"Emily" wrote in message news:crs1c.108042$Xp.462682@attbi_s54... Scheherazade's birth story March 2nd, 2004 - * - In which we already know the sad ending -- Emily mom to Toby 5/1/02 Scheherazade, stillborn at 20 weeks 3/2/04 ((((((((Emily)))))))))) Your description of your precious girl touched my heart. Please know that I am thinking of you and your family. Amanda |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
I just had to reply when Emily wrote:
Scheherazade's birth story March 2nd, 2004 - * - In which we already know the sad ending snip First of all, a huge (((Hug))). You seem to be doing well, although it's such a traumatic experience. I think you did everything perfect, and I hope that you will have many many memories to look back on. You chose a beautiful, unique name for her, and I'm sure that she herself was a beauty as well. I'm glad the Cytotec wasn't too rough on you. Have you visited SHARE yet? I definitely recommend it, it's a wonderful support system. http://boards.nationalshareoffice.com -- -Crystal Dreamer Missing Mariam since 09/10/03 Some people only dream of angels. I held one in my arms. http://www.memoriesofmariam.com (take out the trash to reply) |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
(((hugs))) Your child has a beautiful name.
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
Emily wrote:
In many ways, it was hard to know it was over and still be pregnant for a week, but in other ways, that time was good time to have -- to find peace with our decision, and to begin grieving -- and it is a relief to be through the delivery now. I know that no baby will ever replace this one, but I can think of nothing more healing than holding a live, healthy, term newborn in my arms, and watching him or her grow. With that in mind, I look forward to getting my body in good shape again and then trying again. {{{{{{Emily}}}}} Thank you for sharing that with us. It was very moving and, I'm sure, difficult for you to do. My thoughts will be with you and your family and Scheherazade. Peace and healing to you all. -- Be well, Barbara (Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [2 yesterday] mom) All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful. Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
Scheherazade's birth story
March 2nd, 2004 - * - In which we already know the sad ending :**( You have touched my heart. (((Hugs))) to you and your family. -- Sue (mom to three girls) I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World... |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
"Emily" wrote in message news:crs1c.108042$Xp.462682@attbi_s54... Scheherazade's birth story March 2nd, 2004 - * - In which we already know the sad ending Dear Emily, I know it took a lot of strength to go through what you have in the last few weeks and I admire you for doing so with such clarity and for sharing it all with these strangers out on the internet somewhere. I know that I feel close to you and have been thinking about you all week, as I'm sure many others here have. I'm glad you got to hold your little girl and so so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you a lot of thoughts and prayers and healing. - Jen |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
What a beautifully written birth story. Thank you for making it so
vivid, letting us share. Scheherazade is a lovely name for your daughter. I'm so sorry this happened. |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
"Emily" wrote in message news:crs1c.108042$Xp.462682@attbi_s54... Scheherazade's birth story March 2nd, 2004 - * - In which we already know the sad ending {{{{{Emily}}}}} You'll be in my thoughts. Denise |
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Scheherazade's birthstory (stillbirth, long)
On Wed, 03 Mar 2004 21:51:05 GMT, Emily wrote:
Scheherazade's birth story March 2nd, 2004 Emily, I don't really know what to say. I am so very sorry that this happened. I will be thinking of you often. -- Daye Momma to Jayan and Leopold See Jayan and Leo: http://www.aloofhosting.com/jayleo/ Updated 28 Feb 2004 |
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