limits, discipline, preschooler 101

Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with "listening."
You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he responds. If not, he
pretends not to have heard. Well that is not entirely accurate, but he
certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not internalize
your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am doing.

I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to whatever he
was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat on. No
response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat on.
Nothing. --- what do I do?

I keep thinking of Dorothy, I think it is you, who is always saying parents
talk too much. Um, that would be me. I sit there thinking it even as I am
babbling and reminding and nagging. The crux of the issue is not that I am a
blabber mouth. It is that I do not know what *to do.* I suppose I could haul
him physically and put his coat on for him. But sometimes I cannot since I
will already have DD. Also, at 4 he is closer to the size of a 5 yo, so it
really is not that easy any more.

The biggest problem comes when we are somewhere besides home when I am out
of my element and my list of choices seems less.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

"Stephanie Stowe" wrote in message
...
Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with "listening."
You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he responds. If not,
he pretends not to have heard. Well that is not entirely accurate, but he
certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not
internalize your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am doing.

Hi Stephanie-

I'm going to tell you what I do with my daughter, but please know that my
toddler parenting consists of one two year old. I'm in the same
"trial-error-read lots of parenting books" phase you're in.


I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to whatever he
was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat on. No
response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat on.
Nothing. --- what do I do?


In exactly this situation, I would cheerfully grab my daughter, walk her
over to the coat rack, "help" her pick up her coat, "help" her put it on,
and "help" her walk out the door with me. My daughter and I had a *Huge*
power struggle earlier this year with her refusing to walk when I got her
from her day care. It took about a week of her being "helped" to do what I
asked her to do (e.g. walk to the car) before she got with the program and
started walking on her own. The key with DD and I was that this was never
an angry or punitive thing, I was just very matter-of-fact -- sort of "Gee,
I see you aren't able to do this on your own right now, so I am going to
help you do it with me."

So anyway, that's what I did in a similar situation. hope it helps.

Donna

Stephanie Stowe wrote:
Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with "listening."
You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he responds. If not, he
pretends not to have heard. Well that is not entirely accurate, but he
certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not internalize
your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am doing.

I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to whatever he
was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat on. No
response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat on.
Nothing. --- what do I do?

This is what I would do:
Before he returns to whatever he was doing you get down to his level and
say "in 2 mins it will be time to go. Do you understand?". Take his face
in your hands so that he has to look at you.

He says yes and then in 2 mins you get down to his level again and tell
him it's time to go, taking his face in your hands again.

I am sure he will respond. If not, then the next day when you pick him
up, you don't stay for the extra 2 mins.

I'm not sure what else I'd do.

Mary Ann

"Stephanie Stowe" wrote in message
...
I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to whatever he
was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat on. No
response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat on.
Nothing. --- what do I do?

I know you give him 2 minutes because kids like to have a warning, but
sometimes that warning could be just the routine of going home just after
whatever he's doing that day. For instance, when I drop DS off a preschool,
I tell him I'll pick him up after lunch, so when I get there, it's time to
go, no 2 minute warning needed. He's ready to go. Your problem hasn't
happened yet, but if he doesn't want to go, I'd count to 5. If that doesn't
work, I'd drag him out physically. I have a 1 yo I bring in a sling in case
I need both hands for something. Fortunately, DS is only about 10 pounds
heavier than she.

"Donna" wrote in message
...

"Stephanie Stowe" wrote in message
...
Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with
"listening." You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he
responds. If not, he pretends not to have heard. Well that is not
entirely accurate, but he certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not
internalize your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am doing.

Hi Stephanie-

I'm going to tell you what I do with my daughter, but please know that my
toddler parenting consists of one two year old. I'm in the same
"trial-error-read lots of parenting books" phase you're in.


Just went online and bought a couple. Great mind... and all that.


I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to whatever
he was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat on.
No response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat
on. Nothing. --- what do I do?


In exactly this situation, I would cheerfully grab my daughter, walk her
over to the coat rack, "help" her pick up her coat, "help" her put it on,
and "help" her walk out the door with me. My daughter and I had a
*Huge* power struggle earlier this year with her refusing to walk when I
got her from her day care. It took about a week of her being "helped" to
do what I asked her to do (e.g. walk to the car) before she got with the
program and started walking on her own. The key with DD and I was that
this was never an angry or punitive thing, I was just very
matter-of-fact -- sort of "Gee, I see you aren't able to do this on your
own right now, so I am going to help you do it with me."


This is how I know I am not doing this right. I *am* getting angry.
Unfortunately I do not think I can *help* him. He is at a different
age/size/scene than a 2yo.

So anyway, that's what I did in a similar situation. hope it helps.


I will think on it. Thanks for your help!

Donna

Mary Ann Tuli wrote:
Stephanie Stowe wrote:
Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with
"listening."
You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he responds. If
not, he
pretends not to have heard. Well that is not entirely accurate, but
he
certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not
internalize
your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am doing.

I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and
runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to
whatever he
was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat
on. No
response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat
on.
Nothing. --- what do I do?

This is what I would do:
Before he returns to whatever he was doing you get down to his level
and
say "in 2 mins it will be time to go. Do you understand?". Take his
face
in your hands so that he has to look at you.

I've started doing this with my 2yo, who has developed the ignoring
tactic in spades - and since he has a unilateral hearing loss, I don't
want to be confusing him actually not hearing me with ignoring me
(although his hearing is remarkably good when someone says something
interesting . . . ). I find we have a lot fewer battles if I preface
something with "Look at me, please." But then, he's only 2.

I tend to drag (or carry) him out of a place if he is genuinely
unwilling to go and I've tried every other tactic I can think of. I
stay calm and keep a running commentary along the lines of "I
understand that you don't want to leave now, but we have to go. I gave
you plenty of warning that it was time to go, and I told you very
clearly that if you didn't come I would have to carry you. I'm sorry
that you're angry, but we are leaving now." Of course, all this is a
lot easier with a 2yo than an older child, I imagine.

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)

In article . com,
"Melania" wrote:

Mary Ann Tuli wrote:
Stephanie Stowe wrote:
Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with
"listening."
You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he responds. If
not, he
pretends not to have heard. Well that is not entirely accurate, but
he
certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not
internalize
your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am doing.

I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and
runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to
whatever he
was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat
on. No
response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat
on.
Nothing. --- what do I do?

This is what I would do:
Before he returns to whatever he was doing you get down to his level
and
say "in 2 mins it will be time to go. Do you understand?". Take his
face
in your hands so that he has to look at you.

I've started doing this with my 2yo, who has developed the ignoring
tactic in spades - and since he has a unilateral hearing loss, I don't
want to be confusing him actually not hearing me with ignoring me
(although his hearing is remarkably good when someone says something
interesting . . . ). I find we have a lot fewer battles if I preface
something with "Look at me, please." But then, he's only 2.

I tend to drag (or carry) him out of a place if he is genuinely
unwilling to go and I've tried every other tactic I can think of. I
stay calm and keep a running commentary along the lines of "I
understand that you don't want to leave now, but we have to go. I gave
you plenty of warning that it was time to go, and I told you very
clearly that if you didn't come I would have to carry you. I'm sorry
that you're angry, but we are leaving now." Of course, all this is a
lot easier with a 2yo than an older child, I imagine.

Melania
Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003)
and #2 (edd May 21, 2005)


Also, when you aren't also carrying a baby or two . . .
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

When we hit power struggles with our two year old, this is exactly what we
do.

Son, please pick up your coat. (me standing, him playing with a toy)
NO!
(then I get down on his level, in his face, I sometimes have to say look at
me please")
and tell him in a very calm but firm manner, Son, this is your warning. you
can pick up your coat now, or you can go to time out for 2 minutes for
telling mommy NO! Now, will you pick up your coat please.
He will probably get mad, but most times will pick up his coat. any other
behavior, like throwing himself in the floor and crying, or flat refusal,
will get him two minutes in time out.
Now, it I ask and he tells me gently no, I will get on his level and ask him
gently why he does not want to pick his coat up.
This will often lead to a solution (he picks up his coat, but gets to tell
me how he feels about it first)
We are not yellers in our house, and always strive to speak respectfully to
one another.

not saying it will always work, but if we threaten with timeout, we ALWAYS
follow through on timeout.

hope this helps,
jojo


"Stephanie Stowe" wrote in message
...
Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with "listening."
You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he responds. If not,
he
pretends not to have heard. Well that is not entirely accurate, but he
certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not
internalize
your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am doing.

I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and runs to
say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns to whatever he
was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get your coat on. No
response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's go put your coat on.
Nothing. --- what do I do?

I keep thinking of Dorothy, I think it is you, who is always saying
parents
talk too much. Um, that would be me. I sit there thinking it even as I am
babbling and reminding and nagging. The crux of the issue is not that I am
a
blabber mouth. It is that I do not know what *to do.* I suppose I could
haul
him physically and put his coat on for him. But sometimes I cannot since I
will already have DD. Also, at 4 he is closer to the size of a 5 yo, so it
really is not that easy any more.

The biggest problem comes when we are somewhere besides home when I am out
of my element and my list of choices seems less.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Stephanie Stowe wrote:
Here I am again with DS and discipline. DS has a problem with
"listening." You say something, if he likes what you are saying, he
responds. If not, he pretends not to have heard. Well that is not
entirely accurate, but he certainly does not respond.

I have asked this on this group before. But I obviously did not
internalize your advice well enough to feel like I know what I am
doing.
I pick him up at daycare. He is playing something. He sees me and
runs to say hi. We kiss and smooch, and talk a bit. He then returns
to whatever he was playing. I say in 2 minutes it will be time to get
your coat on. No response, which is fine. None warranted. Ok, let's
go put your coat on. Nothing. --- what do I do?

I keep thinking of Dorothy, I think it is you, who is always saying
parents talk too much. Um, that would be me. I sit there thinking it
even as I am babbling and reminding and nagging. The crux of the
issue is not that I am a blabber mouth. It is that I do not know what
*to do.* I suppose I could haul him physically and put his coat on
for him. But sometimes I cannot since I will already have DD. Also,
at 4 he is closer to the size of a 5 yo, so it really is not that
easy any more.
The biggest problem comes when we are somewhere besides home when I
am out of my element and my list of choices seems less.

Any help would be appreciated.


I've done a few different things depending on the age, kid, and situation.
I'll share those to see if any fit for you and your son but for the daycare
situation you describe I'd have the daycare get his coat/shoes on before you
arrive if they are willing and/or I'd skip the two minute warning. The
daycare should be able to say....your mom is coming in 10 minutes, finish
up.

In general though I've done some of these things...

1) 1..2..3 count. This quit working for me by 4yo though.
2) Getting right in their face and talking firmly
3) Walking off without them
4) Physically picking them up and carrying them off. I did this with Hunter
twice when he was 4yo (also very big and I also had a two year old - carried
them both). I did it once when they refused to leave McDonalds and once at
the grocery store when they were naughty and refused to leave when I said we
were going without getting the milk. We created quite a scene but it had
maximum impact for the 4yo (2yo wasn't too impressed ;-).
5) You can do this the easy way or the hard way. Easy is with cooperation
hard is me doing it - cooperation not necessary ;-) I use that one for
things like washing hair. I'll wait until if they ask but if it is hair
wash night, hair will get washed.
6) Waiting a bit longer in certain circumstances but I don't think that
would work in daycare because that situation has become a habit...or could
become one.

--
Nikki

Stephanie Stowe wrote:


I keep thinking of Dorothy, I think it is you, who is always saying parents
talk too much. Um, that would be me. I sit there thinking it even as I am
babbling and reminding and nagging. The crux of the issue is not that I am a
blabber mouth. It is that I do not know what *to do.* I suppose I could haul
him physically and put his coat on for him. But sometimes I cannot since I
will already have DD. Also, at 4 he is closer to the size of a 5 yo, so it
really is not that easy any more.

If it is mandatory for him to get his coat and leave, then
I would do what it takes to be able to get him, put him in his coat,
and leave if he didn't after a warning. I would start being consistent
at home (and not use the same sort of language anywhere else I was
not prepared to follow through) so that the worst of the kicking and
screaming happened somewhere I had more options. Once he knows you're
serious, then try it elsewhere (and make sure that the first couple of
times you are able to do it--set yourself up for success). You must
not "mean it" sometimes and not other times. I try to avoid having
to create a deadline like this, but when it's necessary, I think you
have to follow through immediately; otherwise, they've got you over
a barrel and they know it.

Best wishes,
Ericka