Confused and mad

I have been dealing with a one sided court system in South Dakota for
some time. I have been paying my child support and staying in contact
with my daughter for her entire life (she's 12) not on a consistent
basis but I have always stayed in contact with her (military, school
work and geography has made it difficult but not impossible). Can
anyone tell me why the courts will always side with the Mother and
basically never with the father????

Case(s) in point:
I have once requested to lower my child support because the amount that
I was having to pay and the amount that I was making, I was not able to
live off my wadge and pay child support. I was working two jobs as
well as putting my way through school. When I asked to have it
lowered, the court mediator raised my child support $25 and told me I
needed to quit school and get another job.

Mother wanted to change the last name of my daughter to that of her
step-father, I did not agree with this so we went back to court. With
the father having to adopt my daughter her last name was changed to
his. Now all that I have is my "Legal Obligation".

Tried to get set visitation because every time I went to visit I felt
like I was going to a zoo and I was the one in the cage. Not only that
visitation was only permitted when her mother felt like it. During
this process the mother (mother now not me) requested that I get a
psyc. review. Not only did she get it but I had to pay for it (not
just for myself, but her review, my daughters review, and my wifes
review). She feek'in requested it not me. Psyc. review came back
saying she had more issues than me and that I should get the full
summer visitaion - Judge deemed to ignor the court appointed Psyc
recommendataions and gave me 1 month visitation (almost gave me two
weeks).

Now I am confronted with another issue. Not with the courts but with
my daughter, she is a pre-teen so now she doesn't really even want to
come down to visit. I really do want to see her though and I am sure
that her sisters down here (NC) would too. I would preferr not to go
back to court to force her but I am not sure what else to do. It
appears that I was too late in requesting set visitation.

Anyone have any thoughts?

"Confused_Dad" wrote in message
oups.com...
I have been dealing with a one sided court system in South Dakota for
some time. I have been paying my child support and staying in contact
with my daughter for her entire life (she's 12) not on a consistent
basis but I have always stayed in contact with her (military, school
work and geography has made it difficult but not impossible). Can
anyone tell me why the courts will always side with the Mother and
basically never with the father????

Case(s) in point:
I have once requested to lower my child support because the amount that
I was having to pay and the amount that I was making, I was not able to
live off my wadge and pay child support. I was working two jobs as
well as putting my way through school. When I asked to have it
lowered, the court mediator raised my child support $25 and told me I
needed to quit school and get another job.

Mother wanted to change the last name of my daughter to that of her
step-father, I did not agree with this so we went back to court. With
the father having to adopt my daughter her last name was changed to
his. Now all that I have is my "Legal Obligation".

Tried to get set visitation because every time I went to visit I felt
like I was going to a zoo and I was the one in the cage. Not only that
visitation was only permitted when her mother felt like it. During
this process the mother (mother now not me) requested that I get a
psyc. review. Not only did she get it but I had to pay for it (not
just for myself, but her review, my daughters review, and my wifes
review). She feek'in requested it not me. Psyc. review came back
saying she had more issues than me and that I should get the full
summer visitaion - Judge deemed to ignor the court appointed Psyc
recommendataions and gave me 1 month visitation (almost gave me two
weeks).

Now I am confronted with another issue. Not with the courts but with
my daughter, she is a pre-teen so now she doesn't really even want to
come down to visit. I really do want to see her though and I am sure
that her sisters down here (NC) would too. I would preferr not to go
back to court to force her but I am not sure what else to do. It
appears that I was too late in requesting set visitation.

Anyone have any thoughts?
===
Are you saying you allowed the stepfather to adopt her? That can't happen
without your consent.
Preteens/teens don't want to be seen with their parents. That will probably
last through age 18.
A "forced" visitation is a recipe for disaster. Besides, if you relinquished
parental rights for her adoption,
you can't legally force her to do anything--no more than a stranger on the
street could.
Why do you not have court-ordered visitation? You really allowed her to be
adopted? Why?
===

They need to side with the mother. Without inequity there would be no need
for legal services. They side with the mother cause Dad's are to busy
bonding with each other over deer heads, and football scores than to get
together to fight this system.







"Confused_Dad" wrote in message
oups.com...
I have been dealing with a one sided court system in South Dakota for
some time. I have been paying my child support and staying in contact
with my daughter for her entire life (she's 12) not on a consistent
basis but I have always stayed in contact with her (military, school
work and geography has made it difficult but not impossible). Can
anyone tell me why the courts will always side with the Mother and
basically never with the father????

Case(s) in point:
I have once requested to lower my child support because the amount that
I was having to pay and the amount that I was making, I was not able to
live off my wadge and pay child support. I was working two jobs as
well as putting my way through school. When I asked to have it
lowered, the court mediator raised my child support $25 and told me I
needed to quit school and get another job.

Mother wanted to change the last name of my daughter to that of her
step-father, I did not agree with this so we went back to court. With
the father having to adopt my daughter her last name was changed to
his. Now all that I have is my "Legal Obligation".

Tried to get set visitation because every time I went to visit I felt
like I was going to a zoo and I was the one in the cage. Not only that
visitation was only permitted when her mother felt like it. During
this process the mother (mother now not me) requested that I get a
psyc. review. Not only did she get it but I had to pay for it (not
just for myself, but her review, my daughters review, and my wifes
review). She feek'in requested it not me. Psyc. review came back
saying she had more issues than me and that I should get the full
summer visitaion - Judge deemed to ignor the court appointed Psyc
recommendataions and gave me 1 month visitation (almost gave me two
weeks).

Now I am confronted with another issue. Not with the courts but with
my daughter, she is a pre-teen so now she doesn't really even want to
come down to visit. I really do want to see her though and I am sure
that her sisters down here (NC) would too. I would preferr not to go
back to court to force her but I am not sure what else to do. It
appears that I was too late in requesting set visitation.

Anyone have any thoughts?

I have to agree with Gini... How are you still liable for CS, if your
child has been legally adopted by another man. If the mother told you
are, I would seriously seek some Legal Cosunsel on the issue...

And she is also right... He cannot legally adopt the child unless
either you give up your parental rights. Or it is deemed that you are
an unfit father, and in such cases you would not even have visitation
rights..

The whole Psyc exam thing you talked about.. not sure what that was
all about. Did she request to have one done, and then you were forced
to pay for it by the courts? Because if it was done through a Court
Order Pysc, and it was nessarcy for all of you to go to one.. then it
should be logical the cost should be split 50/50.

I would seek good legal counsel and get them to advise you about your
rights.. and how you can enforce them. I'm still at a loss of how this
other guy managed to adopt your daughter, and you are still being
forced pay child support. Part of the adoption process you sign a
declaration indicating you will assume all Finical responsibilty for
such child. End of story...

Now on the forced Visitation thing... I would maybe try a different
approach to it. You go see her. Ask your daughter to maybe set aside
a few hours for Lunch, Dinner or something.. maybe a day of shopping
where you can buy her some stuff she has been wanting... Ext... She
probably doesn't want to uproot for a Summer or something away from her
friends and the life she knows to simply come see you. Again Gini
pretty much hit the nail on the head.. she is a Teenager... This will
probably last till her Late Teens.. all go through it.

Well I wish you the best of luck though in your endvavors on the
matter, and again seek Legal Counsel!!!

SpiderHam77

"Confused_Dad" wrote in message
oups.com...
I have been dealing with a one sided court system in South Dakota for
some time. I have been paying my child support and staying in contact
with my daughter for her entire life (she's 12) not on a consistent
basis but I have always stayed in contact with her (military, school
work and geography has made it difficult but not impossible). Can
anyone tell me why the courts will always side with the Mother and
basically never with the father????

Case(s) in point:
I have once requested to lower my child support because the amount that
I was having to pay and the amount that I was making, I was not able to
live off my wadge and pay child support. I was working two jobs as
well as putting my way through school. When I asked to have it
lowered, the court mediator raised my child support $25 and told me I
needed to quit school and get another job.

Mother wanted to change the last name of my daughter to that of her
step-father, I did not agree with this so we went back to court. With
the father having to adopt my daughter her last name was changed to
his. Now all that I have is my "Legal Obligation".

Tried to get set visitation because every time I went to visit I felt
like I was going to a zoo and I was the one in the cage. Not only that
visitation was only permitted when her mother felt like it. During
this process the mother (mother now not me) requested that I get a
psyc. review. Not only did she get it but I had to pay for it (not
just for myself, but her review, my daughters review, and my wifes
review). She feek'in requested it not me. Psyc. review came back
saying she had more issues than me and that I should get the full
summer visitaion - Judge deemed to ignor the court appointed Psyc
recommendataions and gave me 1 month visitation (almost gave me two
weeks).

Now I am confronted with another issue. Not with the courts but with
my daughter, she is a pre-teen so now she doesn't really even want to
come down to visit. I really do want to see her though and I am sure
that her sisters down here (NC) would too. I would preferr not to go
back to court to force her but I am not sure what else to do. It
appears that I was too late in requesting set visitation.

Anyone have any thoughts?

I'm with Spider and Gini on this.. When did you give up your parental
rights? For such a thing to take effect, there should have been a court
hearing. And lots of paperwork for the adoption - as well as your approval,
his acceptance of taking over your parenting role and you being told, "OK,
she's no longer your kid now." by a judge.

Who told you any of this happened? Was it your X? If so, I'd get an
attorney fast. And show him/her the letter (or e-mail) that told you that
your daughter has been adopted. Hopefully, you weren't told this over the
phone...

Gini wrote:
"Confused_Dad" wrote in message
oups.com...
I have been dealing with a one sided court system in South Dakota for
some time. I have been paying my child support and staying in contact
with my daughter for her entire life (she's 12) not on a consistent
basis but I have always stayed in contact with her (military, school
work and geography has made it difficult but not impossible). Can
anyone tell me why the courts will always side with the Mother and
basically never with the father????

Case(s) in point:
I have once requested to lower my child support because the amount that
I was having to pay and the amount that I was making, I was not able to
live off my wadge and pay child support. I was working two jobs as
well as putting my way through school. When I asked to have it
lowered, the court mediator raised my child support $25 and told me I
needed to quit school and get another job.

Mother wanted to change the last name of my daughter to that of her
step-father, I did not agree with this so we went back to court. With
the father having to adopt my daughter her last name was changed to
his. Now all that I have is my "Legal Obligation".

Tried to get set visitation because every time I went to visit I felt
like I was going to a zoo and I was the one in the cage. Not only that
visitation was only permitted when her mother felt like it. During
this process the mother (mother now not me) requested that I get a
psyc. review. Not only did she get it but I had to pay for it (not
just for myself, but her review, my daughters review, and my wifes
review). She feek'in requested it not me. Psyc. review came back
saying she had more issues than me and that I should get the full
summer visitaion - Judge deemed to ignor the court appointed Psyc
recommendataions and gave me 1 month visitation (almost gave me two
weeks).

Now I am confronted with another issue. Not with the courts but with
my daughter, she is a pre-teen so now she doesn't really even want to
come down to visit. I really do want to see her though and I am sure
that her sisters down here (NC) would too. I would preferr not to go
back to court to force her but I am not sure what else to do. It
appears that I was too late in requesting set visitation.

Anyone have any thoughts?
===
Are you saying you allowed the stepfather to adopt her? That can't happen
without your consent.
Preteens/teens don't want to be seen with their parents. That will probably
last through age 18.
A "forced" visitation is a recipe for disaster. Besides, if you relinquished
parental rights for her adoption,
you can't legally force her to do anything--no more than a stranger on the
street could.
Why do you not have court-ordered visitation? You really allowed her to be
adopted? Why?
===

Gina, I did not give my daughter up for adoption (hell no). Her
mother had her name legally changed to her stepfathers even though I
tried fighting it. To me this is basically the same thing as her being
adopted (sorry I don't think I wrote that part well).

I agree with you about the forced visitation but talk about hurting! I
do have court ordered visitation after about $10,000 of court and
lawyer fees the judgement came down that we should work it out. if a
concensus couldn't be made then come back.

SpiderHam77,
Again I don't think I quite worded the Adoption part well. My
daughters name was legally changed to her stepfathers but he did not
adopt her (they like using me as a bank). To me this is just an
alternative way of adopting her without giving up the child support. I
did fight it, Cost me a bundle too, but the courts sided with her
mother and her name got changed.

The main issue I am encountering with the visitation is that I live in
North Carolina and she lives in South Dakota (over 1500 miles away).
This means I maybe get to see my daughter twice in a year (three days
over Christmas) and some time in the summer. The summer issues is what
is getting to me right now. My daughter doesn't want to spend as much
time down here as she had the past two years (1 month). I can see this
visitation dwindling more every year until she won't want to come at
all. I could go on about my side of this but the sum total of it is
that she is now so much like her mother that I am inevitably doomed.
I do thank you for your post though.
regards,
Confused and simmered but still Mad Dad.

"Confused_Dad" wrote in message
ups.com...
Gina, I did not give my daughter up for adoption (hell no). Her
mother had her name legally changed to her stepfathers even though I
tried fighting it. To me this is basically the same thing as her being
adopted (sorry I don't think I wrote that part well).

I agree with you about the forced visitation but talk about hurting! I
do have court ordered visitation after about $10,000 of court and
lawyer fees the judgement came down that we should work it out. if a
concensus couldn't be made then come back.
===
Then go back.
===

"Confused_Dad" wrote
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The main issue I am encountering with the visitation is that I live in
North Carolina and she lives in South Dakota (over 1500 miles away).
This means I maybe get to see my daughter twice in a year (three days
over Christmas) and some time in the summer. The summer issues is what
is getting to me right now. My daughter doesn't want to spend as much
time down here as she had the past two years (1 month). I can see this
visitation dwindling more every year until she won't want to come at
all. I could go on about my side of this but the sum total of it is
that she is now so much like her mother that I am inevitably doomed.
====
Not necessarily. We had a similar situation with my stepdaughter. We are in
PA and the
steps were in FL. My stepson came to live with us after he turned 18 and his
mom kicked him out. He still needed
to finish high school so he did that here and is now graduating from college
here. My stepdaughter was a different
story. She was totally manipulated by her mother for years. She rarely
called and never visited. In the rare conversations we
had with her, she acted just like her mother. My husband went down to visit
her for several days and she spent very
little time with him. She did grow up however, and came to visit us a couple
years ago with her future husband (now married).
She is a wonderful and intelligent young woman and was very moved by her
visit with us and her half siblings.
She cried as I loaded her up with baby pictures of the years she missed with
them. She came to realize
(on her own) how much her mother had manipulated her. She didn't talk to her
for a while but things seem to have worked
themselves out. A custodial parent can only control the child's access to
the absent parent until the child becomes
an adult. Then they often evaluate the relatuionships and family dynamics in
a very different way than when they were
under the control of one parent. It is very easy to manipulate a child. Not
so easy to manipulate an intelligent adult. Your daughter may well
come about as well.
That said--I am mother to 6 collective kids, five of whom I actually
live/lived with. Preteens/teens *hate* their parents
and often show direct contempt for them. They really do. Seriously. Their
friends, on the other hand,
are the saviours of their souls and they cannot possibly let go of them for
a moment. But, they do get over it--
right about age 18 when you don't have to put up with them anymore and they
know it. Then they get all sweet. Gradually,
they regain their sanity (about age 25). As a postscript, my two youngest
sons, now age 13 (as of tomorrow) and 11, are perfect and I'm sure
will carry that perfection right through their teen years :-) But, I think
they are actually some kind of mutants.
====