intro and question attachment parenting

Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home
birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the
whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so
tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes I
just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping would
be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like that.
Thanks for your input, Alicia

Alicia wrote:

Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

Absolutely- my daughter now 15 was colicky and cryed herself to sleep
pretty much every time for the first year of her life. I used to use a
kitchen timer and set it for 15 minutes and put her down and then go get
something to eat, jump in the shower, etc. For those who criticize, I
say it's better than throwing her against the wall, which is what would
have happened. As she got older, she would cry furiously for shorter
and shorter periods of time- maybe even 30 seconds and then "clunk" but
she almost always cried when put down and very, very seldom was I able
to nurse her or rock her to sleep. Some babies cry when tired or
overstimulated.

I was not a big attachment parenting fan- I saw too many exhausted
mothers who felt guilty no matter what they did. I breast fed my
children and used a sling- but I got much better sleep with my kids in a
crib with another room.

Be sure you are not doing to much at home and if you have a partner that
he is giving you a break. Even if you are nursing he can give the baby a
bath, take him for a walk. etc. With my second, I expressed milk for one
bottle a week and had my husband give it the first waking after 11:00 pm
on Fridays. Just getting one 6 hours stretch of sleep a week made a big
difference.


Marion Baumgarten

In article 6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no,
Alicia wrote:

I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

I think you may be overestimating the value of "attachment parenting" as
the one true and correct way to parent. I understand that you prefer this
philosophy, and that's great, to the extent that you can keep it up and
stay sane!

However, lots of parents who haven't chosen attachment parenting also
end up with children who develop a trusting relationship with them as
well. I have 3 boys, ages 2, 7 and 10yo, and they all have a very
close relationship with me despite sleeping in their own cribs (after
a bassinet or similar by my bed for *my* convenience in the early months)
and occasionally being allowed to cry, and even being (gasp!) Ferberized
(though I now believe there are gentler methods to achieve the same end).

It sounds to me like you are looking for affirmation that you can put your
baby down to cry when you're desperate, and still be a "good attachment
parent".

What I want to tell you instead is that you need not put a label on
your parenting choices, nor worry about living up to someone else's
standard of "attached enough". You need to do what feels right to you
while meeting your own needs as well. It sounds like the solution
you've come to for now is to adopt a basically attachment style of
parenting, but needing to take some space occasionally. I think that's
fine and I think your child will be fine. You may feel better if you
learn to nurse in the sling and manage to get yourself something to
eat, etc. while nursing. It's a learned skill, but worth working on.
Older babies are generally easier to nurse while doing other things, so
keep trying.

No one *wants* to put their baby down and let them cry. Yet most parents
end up doing it occasionally if they don't have someone else they can hand
the baby off to when they have had it. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
Whether or not it makes you a bad "attachment parent" I have no opinion
nor standing to judge.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby, and do be sure to take the time to heal from
your own difficult birth as well. You don't do your child any favors by
short-changing your own health!


--Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01)

Alicia wrote in message news:6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no...
Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him.

But beyond any philosophy or label, what you really want is what is
best for him, right?

That being the case, you need to be sure to take time for your needs,
like eating and going to the bathroom. It's like what they tell you
on the airplanes--put the oxygen on yourself first, then on baby.
Because if your try to put it on the baby first, you might pass out,
and then the baby is doomed.

We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it,

So the real problem is your feelings, and not how the baby is being
affected.

but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.

I did this routinely, although I generally did it for just five
minutes, and found I had to set a timer, and didn't believe how slow
the time was going.

For babies that are over-stimulated, this really is a necessary thing,
and they can learn to calm themselves.

Think of this as practice for telling him that he can't go to (fill in
the blanks) an R-rated movie, or a semester abroad in France or the
mall alone. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, you are going
to be the one to set limits. He will scream.

What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

Raising kids is like raising a garden, you can ignore some aspects, or
make mistakes, and still end up with a great harvest. An entire
generation of American kids was raised without ever being breastfed,
and yet many of them turned out well, with close relationships to mom
and dad.

In this case, you are doing so much right, give yourself credit and be
confident in your relationship with your child, who sounds like a very
fortunate baby.

Colleen Kay Porter, mother of five, our youungest is 10 and the oldest
is your age

Hi Alicia,

first of all, a big cyber hug ((((Alicia)))) to you ! The first two- three
months with a new baby, especially after a difficult pregnancy/birth can be
soooo difficult!

Give yourself a big pat on the back for starters! You are doing so many
things right! You are nursing your baby (even though many mothers use a
cesarean birth as a reason not to), you allow him the closeness of sleeping
with you and being held a lot. You are asking for help when you need it and
are thinking about the best way to parent -- which is more than can be said
for many parents.

Now for the "problem" and ways to address it: first off, I'd say, try to
find an AP- oriented support group in your area, or, if none is available,
online, or try and start one.
Second, you didn't say if you sleep well at night -- can you sleep while
the baby is nursing yet? Try and learn to do it - for me, that was the
number one benefit of co-sleeping. Also, when the baby naps during the day
is NOT a time for you to do household chores! It _is_ a time for you to
NAP!!! Your household can fall to pieces without it causing great harm for
your baby, _you_ can not!
As for your question: is it ok to put a baby down for short periods even if
it is crying: absolutely! And yes, given all the other loving attention you
give him, he will "still develop a trusting relationship" with you. Do give
the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least
somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your
baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of
time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem.


Hope this helps
Monika

In article 6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no,
Alicia wrote:

Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

I spent this weekend at a conference where the main speaker was an
African woman talking about the rituals and beliefs and practices of her
tribe. She said that we may have heard that it takes a village to raise
a child. "It doesn't, really," she said. "It takes a village to keep a
parent sane." Most people laughed, but I could see that others who,
like me, felt more like crying! Sanity can be difficult to hold onto
when you are raising children.

Your situation is a prime example of where the lack of a village makes
retaining sanity extremely difficult. What you really need is to hand
the baby to someone else, and go for a walk in the woods. You need an
hour or an afternoon or maybe even a whole day where you know someone
else who loves your baby as much as you do will tend to her every need,
while you do an art project or listen to some great music or read a book
-- or just take a nap. You need to tend to your own spiritual and
emotional health to be the great mother you will be.

Mom tells me that when I was a baby there was an afternoon that had been
very bad. I was crying, she was crying and holding me and feeling like
an inept mother, when her older brother came to visit. He took me from
her, and ordered her out of the house for at least 1/2 an hour; that
gave her a chance to NOT listen to me cry, and by the time she came back
I was asleep, and she felt better. She, in turn, continues to do this
as often as she can when she sees a young mother who is obviously
stressed out by a crying baby.

If you have any relatives or close friends near by, don't be afraid to
reach out and ask for help: tell them exactly what you've said here,
and ask if they can come and give you a respite. The baby will be fine
without nursing for an hour or so, and you can get out of hearing range:
listening to a baby cry when it is not going to stop is extraordinarily
stressful!

If you don't have anyone who can do that, I hope you have a second
parent; if so, whenever he or she comes home, you need to turn the baby
over to them for a break for yourself.

If there is noone -- if you are a single parent -- you need to reach
out and somewhere, somehow, find other people who can help you.

In the meantime, crying alone for a while won't do him irrepairable
harm, and you and he will attach just fine.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

In article LOGib.553748$Oz4.502084@rwcrnsc54, Monika McMahan wrote:
Do give
the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least
somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your
baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of
time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem.

A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she
may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent
over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6
months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs
much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a
somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before
he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we
went anywhere.

Sleep whenever you can---it is FAR more important than most people
realize, definitely more important than housework. If you have a
partner, have him or her carry the baby while you nap.

--
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Professor of Computer Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
Affiliations for identification only.

In article ,
Kevin Karplus wrote:

A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she
may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent
over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6
months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs
much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a
somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before
he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we
went anywhere.

Even with a heavy baby, a sling can be great for nursing, if you can
get the knack. If you want to hold the baby and move around with
nursing, the sling helps support you in doing that. I'm not
recommending slinging around a 25-pound baby on hikes, but if you can
sling him for a short time while nursing, you can avoid being tied to
your seat all the time (not that that's always a bad thing). A sling
is also good for a heavier child in a shorter-term carrying situation.
My kids are lightweights, but my youngest is 2.5 and probably outweighs
most 6mo's anyhow ;-) and while I wouldn't want to carry him in a sling
for long periods, for short periods where I'd otherwise be carrying him
using only my arm and hip, a sling in an upright position helps out a
little. For hikes, we use a good Kelty backpack carrier (though he'd
usually rather walk, if we have the time).

--Robyn

Alicia,

Your experience rings a lot of bells for me. I didn't label my
baby-handling approach, but I used a lot of AP techniques, including
co-sleeping, for the first few months. But my first baby was colicky
and, like yours, "sucky" -- always wanting the breast or (when he was
able) his hand. And he spent most of his waking hours crying. I looked
at my friends whose babies woke up calm and spent most of their waking
hours with their eyes open and their mouths shut (the opposite of
mine) and could NOT figure out what I was doing wrong, and they
couldn't figure out why I was always so stressed out and couldn't
"manage" my baby. The point was, I wasn't doing anything wrong. In
fact, many of my friends with "easy" first babies had a much "harder"
second baby, whereas I had an "easy" second baby! So it's not the
parent ... some babies are just like that.

You've already gotten some very good advice on this thread: Take care
of yourself (or you won't be able to care for your baby). Get
assistance --remember that AP is built on a model in which parents
didn't do everything alone. And you'll bond just fine -- that baby
knows who's nursing him and loving him, and a little crying alone when
you need a few minutes' sanity break won't damage that bond.

Here are some other tips, in no particular order, that really helped
me.

1. I couldn't use a sling, despite trying several brands. I'm too
busty and short-waisted for any of them to fit, and I couldn't wear my
baby safely or comfortably in one. My salvation was a Baby Bjorn front
carrier, which was better than any other carrier I tried, and is
adaptable for both very young babies and older ones. Since my kids
didn't walk till 17 months, I got a lot of use out of my Bjorn!

2. Some of my baby's colic, it turned out, was allergy to some things
that were coming through my breastmilk. The big one was milk protein.
I'm lactose intolerant and so take in very little dairy, but even the
lactose-free products and the aged cheese I used carried enough milk
protein to trigger my child's crying jags. When I cut out ALL dairy
products from my diet, the crying cut way down. This takes a lot of
label reading -- watch out for breads, margarines, and prepared foods,
and ingredients such as whey or "milk solids." But it was well worth
the trouble, and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to discover this.
It also helped when I eliminated garlic. My lactation consultant says
that some babies love garlic-flavored milk, but mine was apparently
sensitive to it.

3. My son often settled down when I held him on my shoulder -- "right
the way over," as our wonderful NP described it, balancing on his
tummy with his head partway down my back. I remember one night I spent
mopping the kitchen floor one-handed with him over my shoulder,
because in any other position he'd cry, and he also seemed to like it
when I was in motion. Or I held him at my side, under my curled arm,
with his tummy balanced on my wrist and him facing the floor. It looks
really funny, but it worked for us. He also liked when I held him up
in the air, over my head, with my hand on either side of his torso,
but you can't walk around that way ;-)

4. It helped to get outside as much as possible -- walking, strolling,
or just stepping out the front door with the baby for a "porch break."
This helped my frame of mind, too.

5. Sleep when the baby sleeps. When people told me this, I said,
"Yeah, right." But really -- whatever you were planning on doing
during that nap is not so important as falling over. Learning to nurse
lying down was a real help, since my all-day sucker could go for an
hour on a single breast, and I could just doze off with him attached.

6. One of the best tips I got for calming a colicky baby is that
whatever strategy you use -- patting, singing, stroking, humming,
rocking, walking, etc. -- use only one at a time. That is, don't rock
and sing, but do one or the other for a little while, then switch to
something new if that didn't work. Sometimes too many "calming"
activities just overstimulates a sensitive baby.

Good luck, and let us know how you do.

--Robin

You have gotten some good advice, but instead of me telling you to take care
of yourself (which I agree with whole heartedly), lets try and figure out if
there is a cause for the crying. Does he seem to cry at night more than
during the day? Is he sleeping well? If the baby isn't sleeping enough, then
that will make him over stimulated and too tired to sleep. Do you think
anything your eating could cause an upset tummy in him? Are you drinking any
caffeine? If you don't want to use a pacifier, then most AP parents suggest
giving a pinky finger to suck on. However, having the baby being two months
means your supply is pretty well established and giving a pacifier at this
point would not be a horrible thing. It might take care of his sucking
needs. He perhaps is getting mad at getting milk when all he wants to do is
suck. Get better with using the sling. Using a sling saved my sanity with my
three girls. Can you lay down and nurse so you can sleep when he sleeps?
This takes practice, but worthwhile in the long run. Don't rule out another
growth spurt, sometimes they can come right on top of each other. Don't feel
bad at putting the baby down. Do you have a husband or SO that can take the
baby for a little while so you can take a bath or for a walk? If you can
answer some of my questions, perhaps I can help more. Oh, one more thing, if
you think he is gassy or upset tummy, then try to burp more often or try
smithecone drops. )
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

Alicia wrote in message
news:6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no...
Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due
to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier,
so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have
found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty
about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do
something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten
minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home
birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the
whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so
tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes
I
just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping
would
be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like
that.
Thanks for your input, Alicia