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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be. I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time (40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't agree and asked, "What time to myself?" My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee, go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read if she chose. She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful. She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for lunch, watching television, playing, etc. Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15 years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with children. Any thoughts on this? |
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
"Sonnie B." wrote in message om... Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15 years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with children. Any thoughts on this? I agree with you. Even when the kids are napping, I do not feel I have time to myself. I only feel that way when DH comes home and I can ask him to watch the sleeping kids. There's something about being on call that can be taxing. When I commute to work, it is relaxing down time. |
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
I'm a SAHM to 3 kids - ages 5 (girl), 4 (boy), and 2 (boy), and I'm due with
#4 in July (gender unknown). My husband is a Marine (works 24/7 pretty much), when he's not deployed. He has about a 30 minute commute. To him it's not "me time" at all, he hates driving, he's trying to get home along with about 25,000 other Marines - lol. I don't see it as relaxing either. His "me time" IMO is lunch - he often goes with co-workers for lunch. Meanwhile I scarf mine standing at the kitchen sink usually - lol. He also gets 6 months of "me time" every year or 2 Seriously, he gets a lot of "non-kid time" but not a lot of "me time". IMO though going out for lunch with 2 kids, or any of the things you mentioned in your post are certainly NOT "me time". I don't even get to pee alone, or if I do I have little fingers under the door and a voice yelling "mamamamamamamamamama". Yeah that's relaxing. My husband gets time when he comes home to decompress, then he plays with the kids, or takes them for a walk while I get dinner ready. Sophie #4 due 7/18/04 |
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
Sonnie B. wrote: My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what your opinon may be. I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time (40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't agree and asked, "What time to myself?" My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee, go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read if she chose. She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful. She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for lunch, watching television, playing, etc. Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15 years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with children. Any thoughts on this? I think you should each get time to yourselves - but I wouldn't count a cummute as your wife's share of that time. Maybe it's different for someone who enjoys driving, but for me there's no such thing as "down time" during a commute; it's just an unremitting pain. Also, to me, time to oneself implies time where you can do what you want - commuting in no way fills that bill. Clisby |
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
What if you say, "Yes, you're right, sweetheart! Actually, neither of us has time to ourselves. What can we do so that we each can have a little time of our own?" Maybe she can have a night out with her friends or colleagues every few weeks, and she can take your kids out some Saturday, leaving you to do whatever you want. Richard dad to Micaela I agree with Richard (Hi Guy!) it sounds like what you and your wife are doing is multi-tasking. When you have the kids and they are outside, you are not getting "quality" alone time. Sure you may be alone, but you can't do whatever you want with that time, you still have to listen for the kids and such. You can't pick up your guitar and put on your headphones and tune out the world. Same for your wife. She can't kick back in her underwear and read a book while she is driving to work. Your both getting time alone, but not time without responsibilities. I think that's the difference. It really is the quality of the time alone, not the quantity. Try to find some time, both alone and together...it helps! jojo mom to Josh |
#7
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
In article , Richard says...
Sonnie B. wrote: : My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what : your opinon may be. : : I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time : (40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself : and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't : agree and asked, "What time to myself?" : : My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant : time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee, : go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the : phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just : time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read : if she chose. : : She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a : chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful. : She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there : is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who : had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for : lunch, watching television, playing, etc. : : Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15 : years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We : both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a : commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with : children. : : Any thoughts on this? I'm not a stay-at-home dad, but my wife's work schedule forces me, from time to time, to live like a single parent for a few days each week, so I have some idea of where you're coming from. I don't have time right now to write all I'd like to on this, but one quick point I would like to make is that you two are arguing the wrong issue. Whether your spouse has time to herself or not is not justification for you asking for time to yourself. You *BOTH* deserve time to yourselves once in a while, and should join forces to see that there is some way you can arrange that. *ALL* parents need time to themselves. You don't have to argue that based on whether or not one spouse does and the other doesn't. Hear hear. And what that solution is depends on all the particulars of the situation and the tempraments involved. Too often I see this kind of question treated as if it's some kind of overriding principle involved - as if the SAH parent working and childrearing and homekeeping all day therefore and henceforth means for that WOH parent and for all WOH parents, he or she should walk right in and take over for awhile at 5:30 pm (or whenever) - not 5:45, not 6:00 - 5:30 and that's that! Well, sometimes the answer IS that the WOH parent really needs to take over at 5:30 right when walking through the door for the family to work as a unit. But I'd kinda doubt that that's usually really necessary, unless the SAH parent wants to make an issue of something. About communiting - I know I felt a big difference between a 15 minute commute and a 1 hour commute because I've done both. On the hour commute, I really did come home de-stressed, and I really did get to work psyched up after an hour of mental planning and thinking in the morning. While the 15 minute commute felt to me like I was dumping myself unready at work, and dumping myself still wound up at home :-) But, regarding the one hour commute, *I* find driving relaxing, tend to just go with the flow in heavy traffic and space out when it's bumper-to-bumper, so it worked for me as decompress time or plan-the-day time. For other people, clearly they find the commute traffic stressful. So that it *not* any kind of enjoyable alone time for *them*. It depends on the individual and the situation. As the kids get older into school age, their activities will begin to necessitate planning as to which parent does what and goes where in the late afternoon - the particulars are likely to take over the planning anyway. So the thing to do is to sit down, figure out what the partners *need*, and work is into the plan without being burdened by who-does-what-to-prove-they-love emotional demonstrational requirements. Sometimes I take our daughter to the zoo, my wife sometimes takes her shopping. What if you say, "Yes, you're right, sweetheart! Actually, neither of us has time to ourselves. What can we do so that we each can have a little time of our own?" Maybe she can have a night out with her friends or colleagues every few weeks, and she can take your kids out some Saturday, leaving you to do whatever you want. There you go (to the OP) - this is the kind of thing to do. Do tradeoffs. Trade nights, or trade home-from-work destress time for releif from get-to-bed stress time. Or something like that. And think a little outside the box, too - maybe the ticket is for one or other partner to get up an hour before everyone else does, with no expectations to get anything done during that time. Banty |
#8
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
Sonnie B. wrote:
Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15 years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with children. Any thoughts on this? The only thing that matters is the person's perception. If one does not perceive one's commute as relaxing, then it isn't, period. Same with kids. Personally, I find time with kids somewhat more taxing (even though I choose to do that instead of working full time), but other people feel it differently. You pretty much have to work with each individual's perceptions of what they do, not with what you think they ought to be feeling. Best wishes, Ericka |
#9
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
"Sonnie B." wrote in message om... My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what your opinon may be. I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time (40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't agree and asked, "What time to myself?" Well, I am a SAHM so I don't have the work/family experience, but I still have something to offer. IMO, "time to yourself" is a block of time doing something *for* yourself and both spouses should have this time, SAM, or WO/AM. For example, dh and I both make sure that each other get enough time to enjoy our hobbies. He golfs and I scrapbook (where I leave the house for 6 hour crops). The time works out to be about equal but no one here is keeping track. We both feel satisfied that we can persue hobbies and have time to ourselves in addition to quality time together and family time. JMO. -- JennP. mom to Matthew 10/11/00 EDD #2 10/24/04 remove "no........spam" to reply |
#10
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Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself
"Sonnie B." wrote in message
om... We both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with children. Any thoughts on this? Commuting and parenting can both be very stressful, or very enjoyable, at times. It is all in the attitude of the person doing the activity. To me the main difference is that when you are commuting, you are not interrupted with 100 requests an hour and can actually complete a mental train of thought. That is something I would love to have, but commuting would not necessarily be a fun way to get it. Has your wife considered books on tape or other ways to make her commute time more enjoyable? I agree with her, that commuting is not a good time to talk on the phone or eat bagels. -- Cheryl S. (SAH)Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 7 months |
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