Advice nextdoor neighbor

"Jill" wrote in message
. com...

I guess offline, I am sort of shy! And hide my feelings some.

So that is the real crux of the matter. Jill, it's official, you need a
backbone. Try E-bay. They seem to sell everything else!
--


Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

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Jill wrote:
"Jamie Clark" wrote
I don't think I'm capable of not answering the door when someone

rings the bell. But, I don't have a problem sending them away and

shutting

it, either.



This is why I don't like answering the door if I don't feel like company- I
am too wimpy to send someone away, I feel like I have to entertain them.
Wimpy me. But generally if I am fully dressed and awake, I open.




Just practice your sending away skills on religious conversion groups or
politicians whom you don't like. It gets easier and easier the more you
do it. ;-) Unfortunately, they eventually get wind of the fact that
you don't like them, and they eventually stop coming around (at least,
that has been my experience), so you eventually won't be able to have
fun anymore.

Karen wrote:

in front of her face. She says "I'm not a prostitute!" and continues

*snicker*

with her sales program. I got up and closed the door in her face.

This is totally me. I'm not normally this rude, but I *hate* it when
someone bugs me in my home. I'm perfectly happy to slam a door in
someone's face if they're bugging me on my own turf. DH actually has a
different approach that is also fun. He just politely declines whatever
they're trying to get him to agree to, over and over again, until they
finally give up and leave on their own. IOW, he's just as irritating
and difficult to them as I am, except that he's willing to enjoy
watching them squirm while I would rather just slam the door and be done
with it. ;-)


-Karen, mom to Henry 4 and William 2+ months, who never answers the
phone and rarely the door unless I'm expecting a person or a package-

This is also me, and it drives DH nuts. While DH has his fun with
people at the door, he gets sucked in by the phone. I'm perfectly happy
letting the phone ring and ring. I can tune it right out. DH, OTOH,
will stub toes to get to it, and then he'll be super polite and let them
keep him on the phone forever (while I'm happy with just a quick bark of
a "no I'm not interested" and then a quick hang-up).

"Chotii" wrote in message
.. .

I'm not understanding what the huge deal is. You take your time
finishing
in the bathroom, you get the baby, go see who is at the door. Why did
she
HAVE to be changed first?

Uh.

I'd say she's allowed to prioritize however she likes. The neighbor's
behavior was inappropriate. Jill does not have to explain why she finds it
more important to change her baby than to answer the door. Now...if she
smelled smoke, and somebody was banging on her door like that and she
still
decided to change the baby first, that would be a different story.

I wouldn't have answered the door at all. I'd have changed the baby, played
with the baby, whatever... freaky people banging on my door need to go
elsewhere if they have an emergency, I'm not opening my door.

"Jill" wrote in message
. com...

.. But I just explained it like that, but
didn't say "Ok, I need to take her back so I can nurse her", etc.

I guess offline, I am sort of shy! And hide my feelings some.



Answer the door with a gun in your hand next time. People don't typically
come back after that

See, I run for the phone as well as the door, but have NO problem what so
ever with telling telephone solicitors to bugger off. Not a problem at all.

I guess I'm just an eternal optimist, hoping that the phone or the door will
be a good friend or relative, come to visit or chat. : )
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
Password: Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Check out our Adoption Page at http://home.earthlink.net/~jamielee6

Jamie Clark wrote:

See, I run for the phone as well as the door, but have NO problem what so
ever with telling telephone solicitors to bugger off. Not a problem at all.

I guess I'm just an eternal optimist, hoping that the phone or the door will
be a good friend or relative, come to visit or chat. : )

Our doors have nice big windows on them, so I can see who is there.
Also, we've got an answering machine, so when it kicks in, if I
recognize the voice, I pick up (well, if I feel like talking to that
person, anyway).

Jill,

To me, considering only the offline interactions you describe, you do
not seem laid back nor shy. You seem *repressed*. Which is perfectly
normal, considering your parents. Your mother respects no one else's
boundaries, especially not yours, and rolls over you. And as a result
you have no idea what your own boundaries are, and you don't know when
to defend them. This is your problem number one. Only afterward,
when you rehash events in your posts, do you see where your boundary
should have been and at what moment the other party crossed it. Now,
your problem number two is that your idea of defending your boundaries
is to behave just like your parents do, and verbally destroy the other
party ("lay it out on the table"). This is also to be expected, given
your parents.

Okay, so, your boundaries. If your mother brings her dog to your house
after you have told her the dog is not welcome, then repeat after me:
WHERE ELSE SHE PUTS HER DOG IS HER PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. You do *not*
have to accomodate the dog on your property, just because she brings it;
if it cannot stay in your mother's car then your mother cannot visit
with you.

This is just one of many situations where your preferred actions do not
please the other party. But that does not make you rude nor an asshole.
There is a vast middle ground between doormat and asshole; you just
need to learn to operate in that middle ground.

Good luck.

Pologirl

"Nan" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 01 Jul 2004 23:18:52 GMT, "Chotii"
snuck out of the ether to utter:

I'd say she's allowed to prioritize however she likes. The neighbor's
behavior was inappropriate. Jill does not have to explain why she finds
it
more important to change her baby than to answer the door. Now...if she
smelled smoke, and somebody was banging on her door like that and she
still
decided to change the baby first, that would be a different story.

True, but Jill did say she was getting more flustered, and couldn't
get Rachel's diaper off because she was so annoyed, and thinking it
must be a real emergency. In this case, I'd say forego the changing
to see who was banging on the door.

Nan

Exactly. Thanks.

"PattyMomVA" wrote in message
...
"Jill" wrote:
description of neighbor banging on door and looking in window to see
baby

I would tell the neighbor that I was very busy (no details), and "Gee, you
really had me worried. With all that banging and looking in our window, I
thought there was an EMERGENCY. Please don't scare me like that again
unless you absolutely need something." (Play gracious and innocent,
rather
than annoyed.) If you think you need to, add "If you come by and I don't
answer the door, assume I'm taking a shower." Because, really, sometimes
babies cry when you're in the shower and you just can't get to them
immediately.

Jill, this is almost exactly what I would recommend, as well. I personally,
cannot stand to ignore a ringing doorbell (kudos to those who can, because
someone ringing has no bearing on whether one has to open the door), so I
would (and have, in a similar situation) open the door a foot or so, smile,
and say "I'm sorry, I'm really busy right now. Thanks for dropping by.
Bye, now." Once, I actually had to politely tell one of the younger
neighborhood teenagers that if I didn't come to the door right away, she
should assume I was too busy to visit, and to stop PEEKING THROUGH THE MAIL
SLOT to see if I was in. eyeroll

Remember, it's entirely possible to be firm about your wishes, without being
rude. Politeness doesn't require that you be someone's doormat.

Donna