teenager boyfriend questions

My stepdaughter (age 13) recently informed me in confidence that she
had a boyfriend. I agreed not to tell her parents - but I was sure to
let them know they should have there eyes open regarding her
'whereabouts and companions'. Since then they discovered that she has
a boyfriend and have banned her from seeing him (like that will work).

Anyone have thoughts on 1) how to handle protecting her and her
parents' interests without breaking confidence and destroying her
trust, and 2) how to clue the parents that banning the boyfriend is
likely to be an abysmal failure.

Thanks for your input

"Ken" wrote in message
om...
My stepdaughter (age 13) recently informed me in confidence that she
had a boyfriend. I agreed not to tell her parents - but I was sure to
let them know they should have there eyes open regarding her
'whereabouts and companions'. Since then they discovered that she has
a boyfriend and have banned her from seeing him (like that will work).

Anyone have thoughts on 1) how to handle protecting her and her
parents' interests without breaking confidence and destroying her
trust, and 2) how to clue the parents that banning the boyfriend is
likely to be an abysmal failure.


As for the first one, other than being a friend to the stepdaughter, and
someone she can talk to (good work on that, btw - that's very difficult to
do), I don't know how else you can acheive #1, given that you promised her
confidentiality. I would definitely not breach her confidentiality unless
it's an emergency situation, and if it is, I'd advise telling her first that
you have to breach her trust. Give her the option of telling her folks
herself. But again, I'm thinking of that as a last resort, in an utter
emergency - the boyfriend is beating her or something.

As for 2) work through the girl's mother. You can't tell her mom and dad
how to rear her, but you can quietly state to your partner/wife, that
forbidding a teenaged romance is pretty much a recipe for disaster. If your
spouse chooses to disregard your caution... well, there isn't much else you
can do.

You seem to be navigating this situation well, if you have the confidence of
your teenaged stepdaughter, and a friendly relationship with your spouse and
her ex-husband. Well done.

Donna

She is already ****ing her boyfriend. Put her on birth control. Everything
else will take care of itself as long as she does not become pregnant.
Should she become pregnant, please remember that abortion is still legal.

the firs thing I would like to know is...why do you feel she needs to be
protected ?? I was dating at 13... mind you how old is the guy she is
dating and what are this persons thoughts on sex and how does she feel about
this boy ???
AS for you question #1...you can't tell her parents... but you can tell her
that she is free to tell you anything and your first concern is for
her...and you don't want to get her in trouble but if she tells you
something her parents need to know you are responsible to tell them if it
concerns her health or well being. She needs to know you are a friend as
well as her step mother and therefore anything you tell her parents is not
to get you in trouble only to protect her. ....and with that said let her
know that 98 % of what she says will never be told to her parents. As her
step mother you are responsible for her well being as much as her parents
are...... and her well being comes first.
Let the parents know that if she is in any danger you will come to them and
that your first priority is her protection and safety, let them know that
you will not betray her confidence, and that if you hear of anything that
they would be disapproaving of you will talk to them or encourage the
daughter to talk to them about it, or you can talk to her about it first.
You don't want to be caught in the middle but your step daughter needs to
know that there are things her mother and father may have to know at some
point in time. Let her know you care for her and love her and only want to
help her and guide her to make the right decisions.


"Ken" wrote in message
om...
My stepdaughter (age 13) recently informed me in confidence that she
had a boyfriend. I agreed not to tell her parents - but I was sure to
let them know they should have there eyes open regarding her
'whereabouts and companions'. Since then they discovered that she has
a boyfriend and have banned her from seeing him (like that will work).

Anyone have thoughts on 1) how to handle protecting her and her
parents' interests without breaking confidence and destroying her
trust, and 2) how to clue the parents that banning the boyfriend is
likely to be an abysmal failure.

Thanks for your input

In article ,
(Ken) wrote:

My stepdaughter (age 13) recently informed me in confidence that she
had a boyfriend. I agreed not to tell her parents - but I was sure to
let them know they should have there eyes open regarding her
'whereabouts and companions'. Since then they discovered that she has
a boyfriend and have banned her from seeing him (like that will work).

Anyone have thoughts on 1) how to handle protecting her and her
parents' interests without breaking confidence and destroying her
trust, and 2) how to clue the parents that banning the boyfriend is
likely to be an abysmal failure.

Thanks for your input


Why have the parents banned her from seeing him? How old is he? What
sorts of things were they doing?

Thirteen isn't necessarily too young to have a boyfriend -- though if
he's, say, a thirty year old "boy" I'd have some real concerns!

Unless there is a particular reason to have banned this particular
friendship, her desire to not tell her parents the truth has been proven
the correct one: that is, she obviously cannot trust them to not over
react. You can certainly encourage them to spend time with other
parents of kids her age, to do some reality checking; she's probably in
8th grade, and many kids that age start pairing up. You can also point
out that if, instead of banning him, they allow her to see him but only
at school or in their presence, they have a much better chance of having
a positive influence. If they insist that she only see him in secret,
away from where anyone else can see them and report that they've been
seen, there is a much stronger liklihood that some of the things they
are afraid of will actually happen. I'd point out that banning
relationships is almost never successful: all they can do is push it
underground, where it can be a much more dangerous thing. Better to
have it out in the light.

As far as what YOU can do when she brings secrets to you -- as long as
her parents realize that your relationship with you is seperate from
your relationship with THEM, and that you will NOT violate her
confidences unless you believe she is in immanent danger, I would say to
follow the same lead that professionals working with youth do: don't
tell her secrets, unless you honestly believe she is in danger -- things
like a boyfriend who is beating her up, or threats to harm herself or
someone else. Otherwise, be her friend, and trust her to grow up OK.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care