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#11
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Okay bebel you really are an idiot and I was right to give up on you a long
time ago, but let's get some things straight. You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am appalled Yea, that's right. That's why I said this wasn't her fault. She asked if there was something she was missing. I suggested that maybe her son didn't feel as close to her lover as she does and would like him to be. Sometimes parents are so anxious that everyone be one big happy family that they don't see everything. She was confused as to why her son would say he was she left him alone when he had her boyfriend who loved him. I'm suggesting that he's not as close to her boyfriend as she might think and to him, it felt alone. No way did I say that was her fault. Boys and mothers are complicated things. Geesh. You can abuse me all you want and dismiss me and call me mean and judgmental filter me and all kinds of things, but my guess is, I'm probably know more what Kitcat is going through than anyone else here. Ironic eh? Not that I care...... Heh I'll say some prayers for your grandchild tonight. God knows she needs them. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#12
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"Bebelestrnge0721" wrote in message ... Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources From: (Pacobr549) Date: 9/16/2004 7:43 PM Eastern Standard Time Message-id: 20040916194328.15331.00000623@ He's not his stepdad. says who you ? You aren't married. and so ? He may love your kid, but he's not his dad or his stepdad. I do not believe she called him his dad? the definition of stepdad : indeed uses the term married in the definition, why must you be so politically correct when you know there is a large number of HEALTHY non traditional family units? Must you nit pick someones family beliefs? A political or religious ceremony does not define the term Family anymore. A marriage certificate does not make a family. He's not a replacement for you. I'm not saying there was anything you could do about it, you can't help being sick and having to leave him, but you need to understand (and I tried to say this before when you got ****ed off and filtered me) that just because you love this guy and want to think he's just as much family to your kid as you are, he's not, not in your kids eye. Very often parents assume that their kids should feel lovey toward their love interests because they do. But it doesn't necesarily work that way. It may just be that part of his anger has something to do with this difference between him and you as to who this guy is in your life. Before you get defensive and ****ed off, just think about it. In many cases the "step parent" which IS the term used in these non traditional households is a more loving more dedicated ,more supportive , and most definately a healthier parental figure than some biological parents. You would deny a child the parental love of someone solely because there is no marriage certificate? How sad is that ? JMHO I am betting dollars to donuts that slykitten would not have left her son with the man if there was a poor relationship between them and furthermore you belittle her judgement as a parent to suggest she would. You also suggest she further distresses her sons condition by expecting him to be lovey with her love interest, which I am sure she that has gone to such lengths to support and help her son would not be carelessly adding fuel to the fires of this childs anger. I happen to know first hand that when a child has a raging mental health condition the child snaps out over the slightest of things. Many mental health conditions include a very narcistic sp ? attitude. You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am appalled .I already know you don't care what I think or feel but then the feeling is mutual I am sure. Why did you bother to respond at all if you can't get off your pedastal and stop blaming parents that come here for advice . There is no way in hell I will ever believe YOU have never made a mistake or fallen off track emotionally in your life, what is with you ? Not that I care...... Heh Hold on there.... . you might want to read her post before replying. This person did not slam anyone. She suggested that sly might want to consider that the child is not totally into this step-father. Only Sly can say that for sure and I am sure she will. Plus where does she say that one should deny parental love because of the absence of a certificate? I think her point is to consider the child is not dealing well with this new step-father. And last but not least, where did she blame Sly for her son's mental illness? T |
#13
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do you have any clue about anything??? he IS my son's STEP DAD!!!! he's the
ONLY DAD my son has EVER known! He became DAD when my son was 15 months old and he accepted US. Yes, he IS STEP DAD. -- "Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Pacobr549" wrote in message ... my son had similar problems. You may need to try lots of different meds and different therapists. It took awile before we found a good fit. I don't know how old your son is. My son started after his dad died at ll. He's 16 now and things are much better but he's always going to be a little different and have to learn to control his temper or suffer the consequences if he doesn't. My son also was hospitalized for awhile. There's no easy fix. People who don't understand will assume you are doing something wrong and if you just did the right thing, this would all go away. You may think that. The truth is, you can do everything you can, and it still won't go away. It's not like an infection where you take antibiotics and everything is back to normal. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. There was a time when if he didn't get better, I would have sent him away (residential treatment) for his own good, my good and his sister's good. It didn't come to that but if it comes to that for you, you to accept its best for everyone and not feel guilty. And one more thing and this is where you will probably think you are being judged and abused but I have to say it... The reality is that his step-dad who loves him very much took me to the hospital where my friend met me and he took the kids home to care for them, He's not his stepdad. You aren't married. He may love your kid, but he's not his dad or his stepdad. He's not a replacement for you. I'm not saying there was anything you could do about it, you can't help being sick and having to leave him, but you need to understand (and I tried to say this before when you got ****ed off and filtered me) that just because you love this guy and want to think he's just as much family to your kid as you are, he's not, not in your kids eye. Very often parents assume that their kids should feel lovey toward their love interests because they do. But it doesn't necesarily work that way. It may just be that part of his anger has something to do with this difference between him and you as to who this guy is in your life. Before you get defensive and ****ed off, just think about it. |
#14
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Yes, he IS STEP DAD.
Sigh. Okay. I tried. That's all you heard. That's all you want to focus on. Good luck. Put me back in your filter. I can offer you no help. I don't think anyone else can either. I'm very sorry. For your son. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#15
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I'll clarify a little.....
My significant other and I have been together for a little over 7 years now. my son's 8 years and 5 months old. (I toss in the months of age because when my sig other and I met, my son and I were running for our lives. my sig other and I were friends for a long time so he knew what was going on and he begged me to leave the marriage before one of us got killed. my sister begged me to leave my ex and so did my parents. I finally left after my grandma had a talk with me about what the abuse was doing to me and my son. So I left. I had to do it in a hurry while my ex was at work and while he was convinced that I was going on a small vacation. my sig other supported me emotionally because he knew that this was a very tough thing I was doing. the fact that we ended up together was actually something of an accident. I'm thankful for that accident.... we didn't know we'd fallen in love until.... well, until it was the 3 of us. it had always been the 3of us. we were never a couple, always a trio. I don't believe in marriage, I believe in a yearly handfast. Political correctness is for.... well, nevermind. As far as I'm concerned, the ring and the certificate mean nothing other than ownership. it's just proof of ownership. That's all. we don't own each other. we're free to leave. I love him and he loves us. I've never had to try and convince myself of that. I've never had to second guess any "vows of marriage" My promise is that so long as our paths are together, so shall we be together but should our paths part, so shall we part and be free. We give to each other something very precious. When I got sick, I got really scared. I was more scared this past weekend than I've ever been in my entire life. I'd never known that any person could suffer so much from an infection. I was so afraid that I wasn't going home. How would they go on without me? How would my son cope? What about my girls? I've found myself increasingly saddened when I think about why my son acts out, the kind of fear he must've felt.... I"m feeling a lot of stuff right now. I don't mean to bite at anyone.... I'm also not gonna filter anyone. It's not worth it I've decided. Like I said, I'm feeling a lot of stuff right now so I'll tell ya up front, I'm sensitive right now. So I've read through this thread and will answer as I can because I've gotten lots of good stuff here. Thanks! -- "Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Tiffany" wrote in message ... "Bebelestrnge0721" wrote in message ... Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources From: (Pacobr549) Date: 9/16/2004 7:43 PM Eastern Standard Time Message-id: 20040916194328.15331.00000623@ He's not his stepdad. says who you ? You aren't married. and so ? He may love your kid, but he's not his dad or his stepdad. I do not believe she called him his dad? the definition of stepdad : indeed uses the term married in the definition, why must you be so politically correct when you know there is a large number of HEALTHY non traditional family units? Must you nit pick someones family beliefs? A political or religious ceremony does not define the term Family anymore. A marriage certificate does not make a family. He's not a replacement for you. I'm not saying there was anything you could do about it, you can't help being sick and having to leave him, but you need to understand (and I tried to say this before when you got ****ed off and filtered me) that just because you love this guy and want to think he's just as much family to your kid as you are, he's not, not in your kids eye. Very often parents assume that their kids should feel lovey toward their love interests because they do. But it doesn't necesarily work that way. It may just be that part of his anger has something to do with this difference between him and you as to who this guy is in your life. Before you get defensive and ****ed off, just think about it. In many cases the "step parent" which IS the term used in these non traditional households is a more loving more dedicated ,more supportive , and most definately a healthier parental figure than some biological parents. You would deny a child the parental love of someone solely because there is no marriage certificate? How sad is that ? JMHO I am betting dollars to donuts that slykitten would not have left her son with the man if there was a poor relationship between them and furthermore you belittle her judgement as a parent to suggest she would. You also suggest she further distresses her sons condition by expecting him to be lovey with her love interest, which I am sure she that has gone to such lengths to support and help her son would not be carelessly adding fuel to the fires of this childs anger. I happen to know first hand that when a child has a raging mental health condition the child snaps out over the slightest of things. Many mental health conditions include a very narcistic sp ? attitude. You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am appalled .I already know you don't care what I think or feel but then the feeling is mutual I am sure. Why did you bother to respond at all if you can't get off your pedastal and stop blaming parents that come here for advice . There is no way in hell I will ever believe YOU have never made a mistake or fallen off track emotionally in your life, what is with you ? Not that I care...... Heh Hold on there.... . you might want to read her post before replying. This person did not slam anyone. She suggested that sly might want to consider that the child is not totally into this step-father. Only Sly can say that for sure and I am sure she will. Plus where does she say that one should deny parental love because of the absence of a certificate? I think her point is to consider the child is not dealing well with this new step-father. And last but not least, where did she blame Sly for her son's mental illness? T |
#16
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Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources
From: oaway (Joelle) Date: 9/16/2004 9:22 PM Eastern Standard Time Message-id: Okay bebel you really are an idiot and I was right to give up on you a long time ago, but let's get some things straight. No Joelle I am not an idiot, get that straight. You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am appalled Yea, that's right. That's why I said this wasn't her fault. She asked if there was something she was missing. I suggested that maybe her son didn't feel as close to her lover as she does and would like him to be. Sometimes parents are so anxious that everyone be one big happy family that they don't see everything. She was confused as to why her son would say he was she left him alone when he had her boyfriend who loved him. I'm suggesting that he's not as close to her boyfriend as she might think and to him, it felt alone. No way did I say that was her fault. Boys and mothers are complicated things. O.K. I see where you said it was not her fault, I missed that somehow, I let the way you belittled her choices and used her relationship as a possible scapegoat for her sons behavior bringing me to feel you blamed her for his illness , sorry and I know when to admit I am wrong. I also have experienced some of the same behaviors she described with my daughter, she would go to school and tell her teachers there was no food in the house when the reality was there was not what she preferred to eat she had wiped her favorites out already.She has also used the left home alone , and she hates living with me, as well the doctors themselves told me it was part of her illness , that she truly believes these things or is looking for the attention she needed to take attention off of her behaviors she was being called on. I was also told that people with mental illnesses are clever and manipulative as well. I going on what I know saw it as you blamed her lifestyle as a trigger to his behaviors, thus the blaming her for his illness. Your first post where you state she had you filtered did not irk my craw, it was the second where you had to take it that step where I think you know is judgemental and damn you just can't help yourself can you? Geesh. You can abuse me all you want and dismiss me and call me mean and judgmental filter me and all kinds of things, but my guess is, I'm probably know more what Kitcat is going through than anyone else here. Ironic eh? No not ironic, I am sorry to hear that your family has been touched by mental illness, it is something only people that have been there and are living with it can understand. I do as well. Not that I care...... Heh I'll say some prayers for your grandchild tonight. God knows she needs them. You know Joelle keep your prayers, your god is not the god I know. Nor the god that blessed our family with this child to love. the name is Bev get that straight. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#18
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-- "Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Purchgdss" wrote in message ... 1) he's under the care of a psychiatrist for his meds 2) he's on meds (a cocktail really) 3) he's been in the hospital for certain behaviors that are concerning that needed immediate attention and got immediate attention. 4) we have a social worker 5) we have a therapist (in-home psychologist who is helping me with both parenting, coping and behavior modification skills for this kiddo) 6) I've learned safe restraint techniques for when he becomes violent (which thankfully isn't all that often anymore) 7) he's on a behavior mod plan in school 8) he has a great IEP Based on what his diagnosis is and how old he is, would be how to proceed. I've had these similar issues and life events with my own son. But from the little you have shared, I suggest researching "Reactive Attachment Disorder". Never heard of it but it's definately something I'll be looking up and reading about. I know I've shared "little" but I'm also extending some feelers out right now to get a little more of an idea about the group. I still consider myself very new here. So what am I missing? Why does this kid constantly tell people that he hates living with me? This past weekend I was in the hospital.... very sick. I have diverticulitis which I found out is aparently pretty rare in people under the age of 30.... I'll be 29 on Sunday. My son threw a fit and told some people at his school about how I left him alone with no one around. The reality is that his step-dad who loves him very much took me to the hospital where my friend met me and he took the kids home to care for them, knowing that my friend was with me. He explained to my son on the way to the hospital that mommy is sick and needs to be taken care of by special doctors who can help mommy's tummy get better with special medicine that gets rid of infection. I was gone only 3 days. I just don't get it. Over Labor day weekend, I visited with my parents and when my son threw a fit in the middle of a Wal Mart store, he had to be restrained until he was calmed down... I actually asked the door greeter to call in a manager and security guard to help me.... Are there resources out there that I may be missing? Is this something that's just behavioral or was this something resembling sort of like a seizure? I'm coming out of lurk at the risk of being massively flamed and attacked. What I'm actually doing is asking for help, ideas, resources, links and any other ideas and advice anyone is willing to offer and share. It could be that your hospital stay freaked him out and he reacted by going into "self-preservation" mode. Crazy lying and false accusations are hallmarks of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Check out the behaviors list and if he meets enough of the criteria start exploring the options. I definately agree that the hospital stay freaked him out. He's never seen me so sick. I know that he wanted to visit and the visit he had with me on Saturday was pretty short. I enjoyed hugging him and I was reassuring him that I was ok and that I'll be better soon. He was clingy but I was in and out of a fog. I'll be honest, the pains of labor are a welcome memory to the pains of this nasty little disease. at least I've got 3 great kids to show for it! I must say, this mental illness is not a "doom & gloom" thing, they CAN get better. My son is proof. No, Mental Illness isn't doom and gloom.... In fact, it's one of the most common ailments and one of the least understood. I've got a really good therapist for my son, and a very good psychiatrist. I like to think of it as a team effort.... the Psychiatrist, the GP, the therapist, the school social worker, the teachers, the resource center at the dept of social services, my sig other, my parents.... it does help. I've done stuff for myself to ensure that I'm able to handle issues properly.... I'm in counseling myself.... I've been through anger management classes (to understand my own frustrations and anger issues along with my son's anger issues and violent outbursts) and parenting classes....I've worked with social workers in the past to give me ideas, resources and help.... I've stopped being afraid of social services and I've actually embraced their help. I'm not afraid to ask. Just my 2 cents......... Christine |
#19
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T,
Thanks for making this post show through. I set aside my initial reaction and just read on. I just want to say Thanks to Joelle for at least knowing my position and knowing what I'm dealing with and knowing it's not easy. -- "Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Tiffany" wrote in message ... We will just make the post appear. T "Joelle" wrote in message ... I know Slykitten has me filtered but someone should tell her my son had similar problems. She may need to try lots of different meds and different therapists. It took awile before we found a good fit. I don't know how old her son is. My son started after his dad died at ll. He's 16 now and things are much better but he's always going to be a little different and have to learn to control his temper or suffer the consequences if he doesn't. My son also was hospitalized for awhile. Basically tell her I said there's no easy fix. People who don't understand will assume she's doing something wrong and if she just did the right thing, this would all go away. She may think that. The truth is, you can do everything you can, and it still won't go away. It's not like an infection where you take antibiotics and everything is back to normal. It sounds like she's doing everything she can. There was a time when if he didn't get better, I would have sent him away for his own good, my good and his sister's good. It didn't come to that but if it comes to that for her, she has to accept its best for everyone. This is not her fault. **** happens. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#20
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Like I said, I'm feeling a lot of stuff right now so I'll tell ya up front,
I'm sensitive right now. Listen, I'm really not trying to bust your butt, and I'm serious about how I'm probably the one person who knows what you are going through. You don't have to agree with me politically or argue semantics about relationships to consider what I said, and open up a discussion with your son about why he felt abandoned, even though the man you consider a father to him was with him. What I mostly want to get through to you is that the field of mental health is not a science, I'm not sure it's even an art, the past five years has shown me how much they don't know and are really just guessing. I mean this has no disrespect to those in the mental health field, but I think sometimes we've put too much faith in them. And they always seem to blame the mother (thank you Freud -asshole) so I can see how you would be defensive. Trust me, anything I said, was not in a blaming way - just trying to help you see things in a different light. The fact is, it may not get better right away. I can't even tell you your son will get better. I can tell you it got better for my son but I still worry about how he will have a normal independent life. I understand the wish for some other resource, doctor, therapist, pill, ANYTHING to make your kid normal. Maybe there is, don't stop looking. But maybe there isn't. Other people looking in will blame you. You have to just tell yourself they don't know what you know but try not to get defensive because it makes you crazy, makes you look crazy and makes you blind and deaf. Really I'm not your enemy. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
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