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marital life post partum



 
 
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  #11  
Old May 20th 07, 01:02 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
NL
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Posts: 444
Default marital life post partum

Welches wrote:

I also find it irritating when I get "I'll do these jobs for you so later we
can..." when he wouldn't do the jobs otherwise. I then feel pressurised into
agreeing when sometimes I've earmarked that evening for something else.
Debbie


Excuse me, but does he sometimes leave money on your bedside table, too?

Honestly, I've been reading through this thread and I just can't believe
how little self respect some of you have left! Why are you putting up
with men who treat you like servants and hookers? Yes, so they bring
home the money, or the majority of the money, but you're doing the
housework and you're raising the kids. Why are you willingly taking the
short end of the stick? Just because they're paying most of the bills
doesn't mean they get to be "more equal" than you. It's a marriage, a
relationship, not a bussines deal. If they wanted a housemaid that also
gives them a blowjob they should maybe put an ad in a paper that says so.

You're going to doctors, you're popping anti depressants, and all
because your _partner_ is treating you like he owns you? Couples therapy
might be a good idea in some cases, stand up for yourselves!

Really, I'm a single mom and people keep telling me to find a husband
and I keep thinking "WHY?!" 90% of the married couples with kids I know
are unhappy and struggling and thinking about divorce, and the reasons
they cite against divorce are "we own the house together" or "what about
the kids?" and noone mentions "But I love him/her".
Financial stability doesn't happen through marriage. Happieness for the
rest of your life doesn't happen through marriage either. Clearly kids
happen outside of marriages, too, so that's not a reason to get married
either. So why do you insist that marriage is "_the_ Thing!" (TM).

Last guy I was with proposed and I even said yes. Then I got pregnant
and he decided it's ok to treat me like a 2 y.o. I told him so often
that I can't go on like this and he dismissed it as bull**** and told me
"yeah yeah, go, take your medication so you act normal again."
(antidepressants, which I stopped taking cold turkey when I got the
positive pg test). I was throwing up all day every day and he told me to
get a grip and take care of the household. I finally sent him packing
and two days later I wasn't throwing up anymore. Now he calls me greedy
and says I'm having the baby just because of the money I'll be getting
from him (because, as we all know, the way to get really filthy rich is
by having children from guys who earn minimum wages). And then people
wonder why I say I will never ever in my life get married.

Please, if your husband thinks he can treat you worse than an equal,
think about couples therapy instead of trying to "fix" yourselves. Low
self esteem doesn't make you feel sexy and maybe if you feel like an
equal instead of like a housemaid you will start feeling sexy and ready
for sex again, too.

take care
nicole
  #12  
Old May 21st 07, 07:05 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Irrational Number
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Posts: 306
Default marital life post partum

NL wrote:

Honestly, I've been reading through this thread and I just can't believe
how little self respect some of you have left! Why are you putting up
with men who treat you like servants and hookers?


It's not as bad as that. Just because we are griping
a bit does not mean the men are treating us like
"servants and hookers"! Having a baby changes
everything and the entire marital relationship needs
to adapt, which does not happen quickly, especially if
one or both partners is short on sleep.

My not wanting sex does not make me a bad wife. DH
being a bit grumpy does not make him a bad husband.

Complaining and recognizing problems is healthy. As
long as both partners realize this is what is happening
and both understand that it takes some time, everything's
cool, even if there's no sex _right now_. We don't
throw out the marriage just because a few issues need
working on.

-- Anita --
  #13  
Old May 21st 07, 08:00 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
xkatx
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Posts: 690
Default marital life post partum


"Anna.Nicole.m" wrote in message
oups.com...
ok other mommies I need some help. I have a 7 mos old critter at home
and I have very little to no sex drive. I'm fairly confident it has
more to do with being absolutely exhausted all the time. My husband
has begun to hound me about "getting" sex. Which makes me feel like
it's just another chore I have to find time to perform. like when's
the Laundry going to be done or when am I going to make dinner.

We had a pretty healthy sex life prior to getting pregnant.
complications half way through my pregnancy didn't allow for sex to
continue so we went almost 4 mos without. and anymore I could take it
or leave it.

When we do have sex it's good but once i get the baby to sleep for the
night I am so drained that I just want to sit down and do nothing.
sex is the very very very last thing on my mind.

HELP


JUST like a lot of others, I think I'm in the same boat. I have the same
issues - lack of sleep, never ending laundry, dishes, snotty noses, poopy
diapers, did I mention laundry or diapers yet?
Come time for bed, which is often some crazy early hour in the AM, the only
thing on my mind is normally to sneak quietly into bed and not wake DD2 up,
who is sleeping in her bed beside ours, if she's not sleeping in bed with
us.

Some things that *I* have found can sometimes help are some fairly simple,
basic and easy things.
-Go out. Go out alone. Take no kids, no husbands, don't even take the dog
for a walk. Go out by yourself. Meet up with a girl friend or two. Go for
coffee, go do a bit of shopping, just get out of the house and get out
ALONE. Leave Dad to fend for himself with the little ones. I try and do
that when possible and, of course, when I feel like I really need it.
Staying with little ones all day and then all evening can be maddening.
There's only so many times you can watch Sesame Street, Winnie the Pooh or
Bob the Builder before you snap. I know I can only handle so many
conversations about dinosaurs and army men before my brain starts to turn to
mushy bananas.
-Shower or bath. Together. Once the baby is sleeping. Light a candle or
two. If you have a stick of some nice smelling incense, that's always nice.
Turn the lights off and sit in the shower or bath together. Just talk or
say nothing at all at first. Let it go from there. Make sure he shaves his
rough, scratchy stubble off his face first LOL Let him wash your hair,
wash his, whatever. Just some time alone with no baby around.
-Pick up an activity that you like. Find a friend that has something in
common with you. Go to a Creative Memories or Stampin' Up party and buy
something and maybe start scrapbooking or stamping with a friend. Take one
night out for you and make it an all night thing. I often go to one
friend's house for a scrapbooking night. It's normally from about 6pm until
at least midnight, and it's normally once a month, sometimes once every 3
weeks. This particular group is all moms. Nurslings come along, but
generally we leave the kids at home for a Daddy's night. No one will die, I
promise! LOL I used this as an example because it fits me, but it can be
whatever fits your interests. Even a Pampered Chef party, get some cool
stuff and then have some of those ladies meet up for a baking exchange or
whatever.

I find, for me, anyways, that time away from home can be a lifesaver. I
actually didn't even realize that it was an issue until a friend pointed it
out. I was talking to her one afternoon on the phone. DS was REALLY
pushing my buttons and for some reason, REALLY annoying me. I was snapping
left, right and centre at the kids over anything. She told me - not asked
me - to leave the kids and come over for dinner at her place. Her hubby
works late and wasn't home, so she told me I was going to her place for
dinner and that was that. She even offered to come pick me up if I tried to
make excuses (oh, it's kind of far, I don't have much gas, low on gas and no
money, etc) and when I said I have to get supper for N and the kids first,
she told me N was perfectly capable of making supper for himself and the
kids just this one time.
So, off I went (although with DD2 as she was still young and is exclusively
breastfed) for dinner at my friend's house. We sat, visited and even went
through some small scrapbooking stuff. I came home fairly late that evening
and for some reason, things were different. *I* was putting the moves on
him that night! A night out *alone* for me definitely helps. It's almost
like I come home after an evening out and I feel like we've been away for
weeks, yet it's only a few hours.
He also very much enjoys my scrapbooking nights - it gives him a chance to
remember what I deal with every day on my own while he's at work and keep
that in mind when it comes to a lot of things, it gives him and the kids
one-on-one time without me being there, when he puts the kids to bed, he can
watch his stupid Star Trek without me putting in my little comments about
how stupid or predictable that was in the show and when I come home, more
often than not, I'm more than game for some action with him.


  #14  
Old May 21st 07, 08:43 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
NL
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Posts: 444
Default marital life post partum

Irrational Number wrote:

My not wanting sex does not make me a bad wife. DH
being a bit grumpy does not make him a bad husband.

Complaining and recognizing problems is healthy. As
long as both partners realize this is what is happening
and both understand that it takes some time, everything's
cool, even if there's no sex _right now_. We don't
throw out the marriage just because a few issues need
working on.


Yeah, but who's working on them? And for me sentences like "my husband
appears to assume it's entirely me and absolutely nothing to do with
him" or ""I'll do these jobs for you so later we can..." when he
wouldn't do the jobs otherwise." doesn't sound like the man being a bit
grumpy, it sounds like the blame is put on the woman and it sounds like
it's her job to get straightened out and not his to work on the issues
as well.

I also didn't say divorce I said couples therapy. Which is working on
issues with a professional opposed to mudding thru it yourself somehow
with that grumpy husband who's probably not realizing what kind of
pressure he's putting on you.

I'm aware that for some it is a medical issue and I'm not suggestion not
to try and get that issue worked on because obviously it's important to
be healthy, but why not _also_ get someone to help you work on your
relationship that's not really all that great right now?

My view is probably skewed because my last relationship was so not based
on equality, and every time I talk to my best friend on the phone I hear
about the next thing her husband's just pulled on her. (She has medical
problems and he can't even take a day off and take care of the three
children so she can have all her tests done, let alone take care of the
kids for an evening so she can meet up with a friend or something. and
no, he's not some top executive who has no choice but be at the
meetings, he's just processing data).


I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but from where I am right now I just
freak out really quickly when I see or rather when it seems to me that
women are taking the blame for everything and guys are apparently
getting away with it.

take care
nicole
  #15  
Old May 22nd 07, 03:04 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Anna.Nicole.m
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Posts: 89
Default marital life post partum

Thank you thank you everyone. I feel much better and my husband and I
are doing better. and it's on him to set the mood. Someday soon I
think someone other then I will have the ability to put my ds to sleep
at night. until then it's my time. and that's ok.


  #16  
Old May 22nd 07, 05:02 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Jamie Clark
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Posts: 855
Default marital life post partum

"Anna.Nicole.m" wrote in message
oups.com...
Thank you thank you everyone. I feel much better and my husband and I
are doing better. and it's on him to set the mood. Someday soon I
think someone other then I will have the ability to put my ds to sleep
at night. until then it's my time. and that's ok.


How old is your baby again? I'd HIGHLY recommend letting dh start putting
her to bed, even if it's tough on her and doesn't work right away.
Seriously, even if it means that you go spend the night at a friends house
for the weekend and coming back in the morning. Or wearing earplugs. Or
putting a pillow over your head, or getting in the shower during bedtime,
etc. If you put this off, you are only setting the current situation in
concrete, and the longer it is only you who can put her to bed, the harder
it will be to get dh or anyone else to be able to put her to bed.

You might work on teaching dh any of your tricks, as well as perhaps having
him hold/wrap the baby in one of your worn t-shirts/nighties, so that she
smells you on him, and begins to associate your warm fuzzies with him.
Other than that, babies just need to learn how to be soothed by daddy, and
daddy needs to learn how to sooth baby. It's a learning process, but it
will happen.
--

Jamie
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  #18  
Old May 25th 07, 02:25 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
cjra
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Posts: 1,015
Default marital life post partum

On May 23, 12:11 pm, "Anna.Nicole.m" wrote:
On May 22, 12:02 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote:



"Anna.Nicole.m" wrote in message


roups.com... Thank you thank you everyone. I feel much better and my husband and I
are doing better. and it's on him to set the mood. Someday soon I
think someone other then I will have the ability to put my ds to sleep
at night. until then it's my time. and that's ok.


How old is your baby again? I'd HIGHLY recommend letting dh start putting
her to bed, even if it's tough on her and doesn't work right away.
Seriously, even if it means that you go spend the night at a friends house
for the weekend and coming back in the morning. Or wearing earplugs. Or
putting a pillow over your head, or getting in the shower during bedtime,
etc. If you put this off, you are only setting the current situation in
concrete, and the longer it is only you who can put her to bed, the harder
it will be to get dh or anyone else to be able to put her to bed.


You might work on teaching dh any of your tricks, as well as perhaps having
him hold/wrap the baby in one of your worn t-shirts/nighties, so that she
smells you on him, and begins to associate your warm fuzzies with him.
Other than that, babies just need to learn how to be soothed by daddy, and
daddy needs to learn how to sooth baby. It's a learning process, but it
will happen.


I honestly would like to, but it's such an argument with my husband
and with Neil doing most of his nursing at night I think it would be
equally hard on Neil. My mom and my sister can put Neil to bed so I'm
ok with that. My husband does the whole "I think he needs to nurse
thing" ALLLLLL the time. It's just one less argument. And it's also
me. I can't stand hearing Neil upset, it makes my anxiety level go
through the roof.- Hide quoted text -


FWIW - I was the only one who could put DD to bed as well, then at 7
months I had to take a business trip and was away for 3 bedtimes. He
had no choice and managed just fine since I wasn't in the house.
However we went back to our normal pattern until this past week (DD is
almost 11 months now), when he started trying to put her to bed again.
He used to do the same thing where she'd get fussy and say "she needs
to nurse." But now I've convinced him that this is a step towards
getting her to sleep through the night (which is in his interest!), so
he gives her a bottle. If she wakes up an hour later, he'll go to her
again to calm her down. It does drive me nuts if DD is crying - we
have the monitor on, and I've told him if it gets to a point he thinks
it's not working, to call me and I'll come, otherwise I'm not going in
the room (which makes DD scream more).

it takes awhile, but it's working.

That's justa BTDT story....my suggestion? Tell him he's got to learn
to do bedtime too, and once he does, it'll be easier for everyone. DH
was really opposed for a long time, but now though he's a bit
apprehensive, is willing to try.

  #19  
Old June 17th 07, 11:47 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
[email protected]
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Posts: 57
Default marital life post partum

On May 17, 6:28 am, "Anna.Nicole.m" wrote:
ok other mommies I need some help. I have a 7 mos old critter at home
and I have very little to no sex drive. I'm fairly confident it has
more to do with being absolutely exhausted all the time. My husband
has begun to hound me about "getting" sex. Which makes me feel like
it's just another chore I have to find time to perform. like when's
the Laundry going to be done or when am I going to make dinner.

We had a pretty healthy sex life prior to getting pregnant.
complications half way through my pregnancy didn't allow for sex to
continue so we went almost 4 mos without. and anymore I could take it
or leave it.

When we do have sex it's good but once i get the baby to sleep for the
night I am so drained that I just want to sit down and do nothing.
sex is the very very very last thing on my mind.

HELP


It's easy, just perform oral sex or let him have sex with you. You
might want to pop in a porno to speed things up.

Regards...

  #20  
Old June 17th 07, 11:59 PM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 57
Default marital life post partum

On May 18, 1:09 pm, Larry Mcmahan wrote:
In article .com,
says...

ok other mommies I need some help. I have a 7 mos old critter at home
and I have very little to no sex drive. I'm fairly confident it has
more to do with being absolutely exhausted all the time. My husband
has begun to hound me about "getting" sex. Which makes me feel like
it's just another chore I have to find time to perform. like when's
the Laundry going to be done or when am I going to make dinner.


We had a pretty healthy sex life prior to getting pregnant.
complications half way through my pregnancy didn't allow for sex to
continue so we went almost 4 mos without. and anymore I could take it
or leave it.


When we do have sex it's good but once i get the baby to sleep for the
night I am so drained that I just want to sit down and do nothing.
sex is the very very very last thing on my mind.


HELP


Let me try it from the guy's point of view. Hopefully that will help.

First, he has to come to understand the stresses you are working under,


Oh please. You're giving women way too much credit here.

so he understands it is not HIM that is the cause of the lack of action
(always the guy's first thought until someone clues him in different),


When my friends tell me their lack of sex because of the baby, they
usually blame their wives. Which is true, because it's not difficult
to have sex and when a wife rejects it, it really ****es us off,
especially if we love our wives. In my case, I was sexually turned off
by my wife because of the breast feeding and being in the delivery
room. However, my wife was always willing to make sure I was taken
cared of when needed be.

Second, you might suggest that he could help by giving you some "down
time" to recover from the endless demands. Let him know that if he can
help with the baby and give you even two hours of rest time a couple
times a week it can make a world of difference.


Like he will put the kids to bed while she goes and takes a shower and
gets ready. Constantly putting the kids in bed while she watches TV
makes no sense.

We're not really a demanding, uncompromising lot. It's just that we are
mostly clueless, and out thinking doesn't go past the end of our... ah,
nose. :=-)


speak for yourself. What you describe is a neutered house pet, not a
man.

Larry


Regards...

 




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