What are your playdates like? (OT, long, just thinking aloud)

We don't do many playdatesAnyway, I think of playdates as a way to get kids
together so they could play. . . on their own. Instead, the mom directed
most of their play. She'd get them to play Ring Around the Rosie, they'd do
it once. Then, she'd make them play London Bridge, they'd do it a few
times. Then, she'd tell them to play Duck Duck Goose, they'd do it
half-heartedly. You get the picture.

Then, she had them go outside where she was going to let them ride the
tricycle in the cul-de-sac. It's my pet peeve . I prefer playgroups
organized by the parks & rec dept, because I can come and go as I please,
not have to organize around anyone else's schedule, etc. Anyway, I did a
rare playdate yesterday. DS is 4yo, DD is 18 mo. The other mom had a 3 yo
son and a 22 mo daughter. I work 3 days a week, she works 2 days a week.
So, we are similar in some ways.

Her kids were quite a bit rougher than mine. In fact, I saw some kids like
that at the Chik-fil-A recently and I descibed them to DH as "a bunch of
hooligans." Very rough kids who didn't bother to listen much to those in
authority and didn't pay attention to the little ones, pretty much running
them over. Being much younger, though, the yesterday's playdates weren't a
danger to DS or DD.

to see kids playing in the street. I've taught DS and DD not to be in the
street unless holding an adult's hand. I just told her I've taught my kids
never to go in the street, so the kids stayed on the sidewalk.

She said she still has to play with her kids everyday, all the time. They
don't play together. She asked me if my kids play together. Yes, they do.
They may fight occasionally (everyday), but they do play together. I wonder
if her kids would play together if she'd just give them the chance. Even if
they won't, there's nothing wrong with playing by themselves.

I just don't think it was a successful playdate, as I don't like my kids
hanging around with hooligans. Okay, don't flame me, I'm not really
labeling them that. They are just too rough for my taste, and she would
only half-heartedly stop them when they would get too rough, swinging golf
clubs dangerously, etc. They don't listen to her very well. I also don't
like my kids' play to be micromanaged.

Alright, am I just getting the wrong impression of a playdate? Maybe I just
didn't hook up with the right mom. My friend has some kids and we hook up
now and then. Those playdates are nothing like this. But this playdate was
more of something that was pretty much exclusively a playdate, as in that
was the reason for me being there.

On Sat, 13 Aug 2005 21:42:22 GMT, "toypup"
wrote:

Anyway, I think of playdates as a way to get kids
together so they could play. . . on their own.

This was always my idea of playdates too. I never directed the
kids play at all. When the playdate was at my house, they played
in our *playroom* in the basement or in the kids rooms mostly
inside and outside at the park right next to our house or in the
back yard when they were a bit older and able to be outside
without so much supervision.Sometimes we did (the other mom
and I) supervise them outside when they were too young to be
outside on their own, but we didn't interfere with or direct their
play for the most part.

The only reason we had *playdates* was because there were
not many kids in our neighborhood who were not in some kind
of school that made simply playing in the neighborhood pretty
impossible without arranging a day and time. Our house was
not in a good position either for letting kids just go to a neighbor's
house and knock on the door for another kid to come out and play.
We were on a busy street, though we had a fenced in backyard
that was great for kids and we had a park right next door with
swings and a slide.




--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

"toypup" wrote in message
et...
We don't do many playdatesAnyway, I think of playdates as a way to get
kids together so they could play. . . on their own. Instead, the mom
directed most of their play. She'd get them to play Ring Around the
Rosie, they'd do it once. Then, she'd make them play London Bridge,
they'd do it a few times. Then, she'd tell them to play Duck Duck Goose,
they'd do it half-heartedly. You get the picture.
I would agree with your idea of playdates. #2 (21months) doesn't yet have
them, but with #1 (4.5 years) I expect usually to hardly see them except for
meals and if they need something (and then they disappear again).
Occasionally I've got some craft out for them-last Christmas #1 and a friend
decorated stars we then hung from the ceiling, but even then I give it to
them and then leave them to get on with it. I was only needed when they ran
out of glue, and when they had managed to drop two pots of glitter over the
floor. :-)

I did wonder whether the mum is aware that her children tend to play "rough"
and was trying to direct the play so that they wouldn't have the opportunity
to be rough. If #1 and friend are showing signs of quarrelling, then I'm
more likely to direct play or suggest things to do.

Debbie

"toypup" wrote in message
et...
Alright, am I just getting the wrong impression of a playdate? Maybe I
just didn't hook up with the right mom. My friend has some kids and we
hook up now and then. Those playdates are nothing like this. But this
playdate was more of something that was pretty much exclusively a
playdate, as in that was the reason for me being there.

Yes, you just had a bad playdate. First of all, "playdate" really only
means
scheduling a time for your kids to play with someone. If you have a lot of
kids in your immediate neighborhood, you may seldom or never have a
scheduled playdate. But if your neighborhood is not kid friendly, then
playdates are almost a must.

What happens at a playdate is completely up to the moms involved. Some
are more involved than others. I personally stay pretty much out of it
now that my kids are older. When they were younger though, providing
them some activities often made things go a little more smoothly. If they
started getting bored, whiny or argumentative, I'd pull out the paints or
the play-dough and things would settle down again.

It does sound like this mom may be *too* involved. It also sounds like
she now wishes her children were a little more independent. Perhaps
your conversation with her will spark her to try to back off a little.

As for them being hooligans -- well, you didn't give a complete
description. But I will say that some kids are a lot more physical
than others, with no intent to be mean or misbehave. My
son, especially when he was younger, played better and had a
better time with kids that were more physically outgoing, kids
that he didn't always have to be careful around.

I know what you mean about kids running roughshod over other
kids. That happened to my daughter a lot at public play places,
and I always had to be on the lookout for her. I did worry that
my son would end up being the "rough kid", but he really
didn't. Because of my experience with my daughter, I was
very careful to teach them that it was their job to watch out
for younger kids and babies, and they've been very good about
that. However, had I not had DD, it might never have occurred
to me to worry about it.

And for one on one playdates, it's really best to match the play
styles of younger kids. As they mature, they can certainly learn
to play different ways with different kids. In fact, one of my
son's good friends now is a very quiet, somewhat reticent boy,
and sometimes I see my son with his arm around him, showing
him things and encouraging him.

Bizby

"Welches" wrote in message
...
I did wonder whether the mum is aware that her children tend to play
"rough" and was trying to direct the play so that they wouldn't have the
opportunity to be rough. If #1 and friend are showing signs of
quarrelling, then I'm more likely to direct play or suggest things to do.

I think she knew they played rough, but she would only half-heartedly tell
them to be gentler. Her involvement actually made them play more roughly.
We had been making smalltalk initially and the kids were playing quietly by
themselves. They did play somewhat together but nothing organized. Then,
she interjected and made them play together, games which they played very
roughly. Her kids are rough by nature, but her involvement made it
unbearable.

toypup wrote:

Alright, am I just getting the wrong impression of a playdate? Maybe I just
didn't hook up with the right mom. My friend has some kids and we hook up
now and then. Those playdates are nothing like this. But this playdate was
more of something that was pretty much exclusively a playdate, as in that
was the reason for me being there.

I've never been to a playdate where the mom micromanaged
the play like that. But of course, she basically told you that
that's what she does even when it's just her and her kids at
home, so it's not like this is about playdates. It's just how
she parents, and she's not going to stop just because there's
a playdate. If you enjoy neither her kids nor her company, I
don't see why you'd do it again. Frankly, at those ages, my
kids mostly socialized with my friends' kids except for the
occasional preschool friend.

Best wishes,
Ericka

toypup wrote:
We don't do many playdatesAnyway, I think of playdates as a way to get kids
together so they could play. . . on their own.

This is what we do for playdates. In fact, I love having kids over
because it keeps ds occupied and usually I can get a good amount of
housework done. The only real rule I have on playdates is that they
aren't allowed to watch tv or movies. I know it happens at other's
homes since ds has told me, but we don't do it in my house during
playdates.

Instead, the mom directed
most of their play. She'd get them to play Ring Around the Rosie, they'd do
it once. Then, she'd make them play London Bridge, they'd do it a few
times. Then, she'd tell them to play Duck Duck Goose, they'd do it
half-heartedly. You get the picture.

How old is your oldest? Maybe she thinks they need direction? I know ds
didn't start with playdates until he turned four. They usually go off
and play nicely.


Then, she had them go outside where she was going to let them ride the
tricycle in the cul-de-sac. It's my pet peeve .

I read below that you don't allow your kids to play in the street and
if you live in the type of neighborhood where you *can't* then I'd
understand. If she's on a cul-de-sac, it's just probably how the kids
play since cul-de-sacs tend to be pretty quiet.

I prefer playgroups
organized by the parks & rec dept, because I can come and go as I please,
not have to organize around anyone else's schedule, etc. Anyway, I did a
rare playdate yesterday. DS is 4yo, DD is 18 mo. The other mom had a 3 yo
son and a 22 mo daughter. I work 3 days a week, she works 2 days a week.
So, we are similar in some ways.

You stayed for the playdate? We always do drop off. There are a couple
of moms I'm good freinds with so I stay to visit, but other than that,
I drop off.


I just don't think it was a successful playdate, as I don't like my kids
hanging around with hooligans. Okay, don't flame me, I'm not really
labeling them that. They are just too rough for my taste, and she would
only half-heartedly stop them when they would get too rough, swinging golf
clubs dangerously, etc. They don't listen to her very well. I also don't
like my kids' play to be micromanaged.

If you didn't like the kids, then don't organize another playdate with
them.


Alright, am I just getting the wrong impression of a playdate? Maybe I just
didn't hook up with the right mom. My friend has some kids and we hook up
now and then. Those playdates are nothing like this. But this playdate was
more of something that was pretty much exclusively a playdate, as in that
was the reason for me being there.

I'm still not sure I understand. In my experience, a playdate is a
scheduled time to drop off one of your children at a freind's house of
a similar age.
You know, as your kids get older they are going to want to go to
freinds houses more and more to play. Don't take this the wrong way,
but not everyone does things the same way you do and while that might
be hard at first, as long as they are safe then I don't really think it
is a big deal. It just sounds like maybe this wasn't a good match for
you.

JennP.

bizby40 wrote:


What happens at a playdate is completely up to the moms involved. Some
are more involved than others. I personally stay pretty much out of it
now that my kids are older. When they were younger though, providing
them some activities often made things go a little more smoothly. If they
started getting bored, whiny or argumentative, I'd pull out the paints or
the play-dough and things would settle down again.

I agree with this. Like I said before, I don't allow tv or movies
during playdates at my house. I have learned through ds that other
parents do and would prefer that ds spends his time doing something
else, but it's their house, their rules.

JennP.

"JennP." wrote in message
ups.com...

bizby40 wrote:


What happens at a playdate is completely up to the moms involved. Some
are more involved than others. I personally stay pretty much out of it
now that my kids are older. When they were younger though, providing
them some activities often made things go a little more smoothly. If
they
started getting bored, whiny or argumentative, I'd pull out the paints or
the play-dough and things would settle down again.

I agree with this. Like I said before, I don't allow tv or movies
during playdates at my house. I have learned through ds that other
parents do and would prefer that ds spends his time doing something
else, but it's their house, their rules.

I discourage it, but don't outright ban it. DS (7) wanted someone to
come over specifically to play a video game with him. I normally
discourage that too, but then again, partnering in a video game is
still interactive, and it's true that he has trouble getting any of us
to play it with him. I just point out that you can watch TV on your
own -- if you have a friend over, you should take advantage of that.

Bizby

"JennP." wrote in message
ups.com...
toypup wrote:
Then, she had them go outside where she was going to let them ride the
tricycle in the cul-de-sac. It's my pet peeve .

I read below that you don't allow your kids to play in the street and
if you live in the type of neighborhood where you *can't* then I'd
understand. If she's on a cul-de-sac, it's just probably how the kids
play since cul-de-sacs tend to be pretty quiet.

I agree. A lot of cul de sacs are de facto playgrounds, and the people
living there are used to that. You are within your rights to insist that
your children not go in the street. But I don't see anything wrong
with her allowing her kids to, or even expecting it would be okay
for your child since it's the norm there.

I prefer playgroups
organized by the parks & rec dept, because I can come and go as I please,
not have to organize around anyone else's schedule, etc. Anyway, I did a
rare playdate yesterday. DS is 4yo, DD is 18 mo. The other mom had a 3
yo
son and a 22 mo daughter. I work 3 days a week, she works 2 days a week.
So, we are similar in some ways.

You stayed for the playdate? We always do drop off. There are a couple
of moms I'm good freinds with so I stay to visit, but other than that,
I drop off.

I didn't drop off at that age. With an 18mo old, that isn't a playdate,
it's babysitting. Drop-off would be fine for the 4YO of course. But
then again, I didn't take my kids to a playdate at that age unless I was
friends with, or interested in becoming friends with the mom.

I'm still not sure I understand. In my experience, a playdate is a
scheduled time to drop off one of your children at a freind's house of
a similar age.

I agree, with about 4 and above. Younger than that, I'd expect
the other mom to stay.

You know, as your kids get older they are going to want to go to
freinds houses more and more to play. Don't take this the wrong way,
but not everyone does things the same way you do and while that might
be hard at first, as long as they are safe then I don't really think it
is a big deal.

That's true. And it's something that takes some getting used to. When
your child goes off to kindergarten, all of a sudden he is out of your
control. Instead of talking to his teacher daily, you might only talk
to her once a quarter. Your child will want to invite children over
that you've never met. And he will want to go home with them. I'm
sure it varies by area, but around here, it's very rare for the parent
of a kindergartener to check you out before allowing their child over.
Usually the child just comes, and you meet the parent for the first
time when they pick him up.

So, very soon you are just going to have to go with your gut
feeling, and let virtual strangers have control of your child. And
if you come over with a long list of rules (can't ride in the street,
only fruit for snack, no TV, no play guns or knives, etc.) then
chances are they won't invite you back. Though, of course,
you can try to cultivate friendships with the families that share
your values.

I've gone off on a tangent here -- I don't think toypup is like
this, or will be. But I do have a friend that got upset because
her son was getting fruit roll-ups (instead of fresh fruit) at a
friend's house for snack. She told the friend's mother that
her son wasn't allowed the fruit roll-ups, and the friend's
mom actually did stop serving them when her son went over.
But she was *still* mad, because the mom was still giving
the fruit roll-ups on other days, and her son was upset that
his friend was allowed fruit roll-ups for snack, and he
wasn't.

So, my friend wanted to call this woman and tell her not
to serve fruit roll-ups for snack ever, because it was causing
problems for her! She felt justified in doing so, because
fresh fruit is obviously so much healthier than fruit roll-ups.
She would have actually made the call, except her husband
put his foot down and told her not to!

Bizby