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#11
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Hi Cathy, First of all, they're he three main reasons. There are other, less important ones. If I could get past these, then I could get past the rest. 1) If she leaves won't it also disrupt your son's life? I'm aware of the implications. I have tried to answer this in my reply to Penny above. 2) did nothing good come out of the first marriage? Lots of things! Including my son, which I guess is your point. If you had to live your life over again would you not have your first marriage and your son? Ouch. There are a couple of things I would do differently, that's for sure! Look, you don't get your life over, but you do get to learn from your mistakes. If you're smart. 3) Things aren't going to stay the way they are no matter which way you go. Sorry about that, but that's the way it goes. No argument there. So would you like things more with a child and this wife, or without either? That's the $64,000 question, no doubt. I hadn't seen it as starkly as that before, but have just seen it put in a similar way on alt.support.step-parents, where I've also posted. The truth is I don't know. Jules |
#12
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Jules wrote:
Thanks for you comments. I can't really disagree with anything you say, except that for me, making decisions purely on an emotional basis is out. Mary responds: Okay, so, I'll bite. I'm the mom of three, and I'm wracking my brain to come up with one rational reason for having a child. A rational reason would require there to be a tangible...like having kids making you healthier, richer, better looking, smarter, giving you more leisure time, an employment edge...SOMETHING other than the illogical emotional stuff that is at the real root of having babies. I love being a mom and wouldn't have it any other way, but I don't pretend the choice was anything but irrational and based on feelings and hopes and dreams, which were fortunately shared by my equally balmy hubbie. Its a leap of faith in a future you have no real control over. Mary G. |
#13
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In article . com,
"jl2000" wrote: PS - also great to be hearing from a guy! I'm getting a lot of stick from mums right now! OK, I won't respond as a mum, but as the baby. My situation wasn't parallel, since my half-brother lived with us all the time (his dad died after the divorce), but there was plenty of potential for alienation in his situation. He was 12 years older than I was, but I was much closer to him than to my full brother, who was four years older. My half-brother had actively lobbied our mom in favor of having another baby. So feelings of isolation and competitiveness on the part of your son are not inevitable, and he and the baby might have a really great relationship. As long as you're dealing in hypotheticals, you might throw that one into the mix and see if it affects your feelings. |
#14
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On Wed, 2 Feb 2005 19:28:12 EST, "jl2000"
wrote: What happens if your wife decides that she wants a child more then a future with you? How will a second divorce affect your son? Honestly? My wife asked me this, and here is the answer I gave her. My son is seven. He is extremely fond of my wife, but I'm really not sure if he loves her in any child-parent sense. Maybe, maybe not - who knows the mind of a seven year old? But... when there's a choice of someone to play with, he will choose me. If I'm not in the house when he comes round, he asks "where's daddy?". If it's the other way round, well my wife just isn't missed in the same way. I suppose his main thoughts would be a) well this has happened before, and it was worse the first time because that was mummy, and b) now I get daddy to myself. It might sound callous, and I might be underestimating his feelings, but he's just seven after all. This is a tad short sighted is it not? You say that your wife is a good step mum and your son is extremely fond of her. You suggest that you have worked hard and succeeded in providing him with a stable home, that he seems well settled, and yet you do not see your wife as part of this picture? I find that rather odd, and I don't think the measure is whether you are his preferred playmate or he misses you more. It is a lot more than that, including the whole blanket of 8 loving grandparents you mentioned, of which he stands to lose a couple if you divorce. Furthermore, if your wife were to leave you in order to have a child, what would you do for companionship? Surely bringing more women into your life would cause even more disruption and uncertainty for your son? What if you don't find another woman who is as good a step-mum and who your son can be as fond of? What if you fall for a divorcee with a child who hates your son, or makes your son intensely jealous? You know, if you go looking for it, there is uncertainty everywhere. --Lisa bell Mom to Gabriella (6.5) and Michaela (almost 5) |
#15
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In article .com,
jl2000 wrote: Thank you Peggy, that was a very thoughtful post. Perhaps you could try to imagine yourself into her situation, loving a stepchild, but longing for one who was really your own. I do try. But realistically, I don't think a man could ever *want* a child the way some women *need* them! The strong desire for having children, though somewhat associated with a person's sex, is not determined by it. I certainly had a very strong desire to have and raise a child. I know of one marriage that failed because the man wanted children very much, and his wife did not. (Afterwards, he became a sperm donor with parenting rights and is very happy with his two daughters, though he only has them for about 1 day a week each.) A marriage in which one partner strongly wants children and the other does not is extremely likely to fail. This is a major difference in goals that cannot be papered over by compromises. ------------------------------------------------------------ Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics (Senior member, IEEE) (Board of Directors, ISCB) life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels) Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed) Affiliations for identification only. |
#17
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Hi Elizabeth, Thank you. The more I think and talk about this, the more I realise that my concerns are a) manageable, and b) probably more a screen for fear of change / the future. Jules |
#18
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Hi Lisa, You say that your wife is a good step mum and your son is extremely fond of her. You suggest that you have worked hard and succeeded in providing him with a stable home, that he seems well settled, and yet you do not see your wife as part of this picture? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean. I was answering the question of how divorcing again would impact my son - part of that would mean that she would no longer be in the picture, by definition, no? I mean, knowing the kind of person she is, I'm sure she'd work to make things as smooth as possible for him, but there would eventually be a time when she was no longer in his life. OTOH, if you're suggesting that I don't value my wife's contribution to our family, then that's just wrong. I don't know how I could have given that impression, but it wasn't intended. I find that rather odd, and I don't think the measure is whether you are his preferred playmate or he misses you more. It is a lot more than that, including the whole blanket of 8 loving grandparents you mentioned Well, we're talking about a seven year old boy. I don't know if he's typical for a boy his age, but in his case, I think his feelings for his grandparents are largely fondness borne out of lavish but infrequent attention, and presents! Furthermore, if your wife were to leave you in order to have a child, what would you do for companionship? Join a debating society?! I don't know, really, but I can't see myself ever bringing another woman into my life. I've never met anyone remotely like my wife before, and doubt whether I would again. Most people who meet her seem to feel the same way, and I feel very fortunate that she chose me to spend her life with. You know, if you go looking for it, there is uncertainty everywhere. I can deal with uncertainty, provided the *balance* of probability is in my favour! I won't win every Texas Hold'em hand with two aces, but I'll win enough to keep betting them! Thanks for your thoughts, Jules |
#19
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"jl2000" wrote in message
ups.com... [Being new to all this, can I ask what 'DS' and 'DD' mean?] DS - Dear Son DD - Dear Daughter DH - Dear Husband DW - Dear Wife You can decide how sarcastic the "dear" is, sometimes, in the context of a particular post. -- Warm Regards, Claire Petersky Home of the meditative cyclist: http://home.earthlink.net/~cpetersky/Welcome.htm Personal page: http://www.geocities.com/cpetersky/ I'm doing the Big Climb for my friend Dena! See: http://www.active.com/donations/camp...?key=cpetersky |
#20
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Jules, I know you've had numerous responses, some good, so I'll make this brief. I really commend you on your honesty. You obviously have given this much thought, as well you should! I think more people should give the "rational" side more consideration when deciding to bring another life into this world and all that it entails. Your feelings are what they are. If I were your wife, this is not something I'd want to convince you to do or talk you into. I would want the desire to have another child to come from you, not from me. And I hate to quote Dr. Phil here, but I think it's appropriate--"it takes 2 yesses and 1 no". So if either you or your wife say "no", that's all it takes to shoot down the idea. You cannot and should not go forward when only one person wants a child, for whatever reason. Good luck! Marie |
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