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#11
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'B's fury as his cousin brings 2 playmates to stay'
'Kate wrote: On 18 Jul 2006 15:16:08 -0700, "miri" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: can I drivel on a bit more? What irritates me most is that I've entertained his friends I've never been impolite with them, when he was here I offered to cook and clean if he wanted throw parties, if he wanted me out when at the weekend when the match was on. Ok I get the picture its my abode, my residence, he moved in from his creamy little pad but probably never felt at home, but why spend more and more time at the home of his best mate and his wife? Hell ! its about time I remembered that I'm not an effing charity! - the odd knobs I've taken under my wing and fed and cared about (male and female, one of my mottos is always be kind to people, one of my friends put it another way "always be kind to people when you're on your way up.....you never know who you might meet when you find yourself going down!") What irritates me most, is that he gossips about my neighbours to me. He doesn't even live in the area, but he's there telling me about what they've been up to. Pub culture! He's the mistake........ 'so and so and his commonlaw have split after 15 years. Everything was fine - suddenly she goes on the internet and ends up arm in arm with a strange shifty looking guy, parading him around, What a heartless bitch! So and so has worked his nads off for those kids! Miri don't you agree that's dreadful?' What I saw....commonlaw running the house while her brother ferries the kids to school and back, in fact its very rare I actually saw So and so with his kids, even though he has been a provider par-excellence. One of the wonderful things he provided was a holiday residence.....which he invited me to stay at, without his commonlaw or the kiddies for a weekend (nudge,nudge, wink, wink say no more love) gasp in amusement NO! NEVER! They're both very nice people, and the kids are brilliant. I have nothing more to say on the matter because I have no contact with either them or the children. I just couldn't tell anyone about his invitation, nor will I ever. He was just ****ed. I live here damn it! I wasn't ever invited to their parties, but B was, then he tells me later! what have I ever done wrong to that guy? Huh! signed miserable People who make you feel bad time after time are not worth keeping in your life. I'm going to quote someone that I never thought I would quote, Laura Bush, who said, " Every human being deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, and every human being deserves to feel the nurturing power of love." Unfortunately, you have to put up with him... but you don't have to put up with being treated disrespectfully or without consideration. When your ex says something negative or hurtful, ask him, "What do you mean by that?" or "Why are you telling me this?" There's a two fold reason for asking: He may just be an insensitive lout who is unable to take responsibility for his actions (or inactions) or you may be perceiving what he says as hurtful because you're on your guard. Be open to figuring out what is really happening in the moment. When you feel it, identify what the cause was. If they're your issues, then great... at least you can work on that on your own. If they're his, then you can limit your conversations with him to the weather and the kids. Do you think this will work for you? You have been so kind for my poor hurt feelings, you're a love. I could blub for an hour. Ahh I just had to vent, I had to, I felt like I was being used. Its just life nothing less. Theres gonna to have to be certain rules laid down here, it wasn't in my book to hurt anyone elses feelings, they should give me the same passing thought. The good news is my diet is going well, and I have a date at the weekend someone to dress for, something different to see, another adult to chat to face to face someone elses mind to explore and dreams we might share. Maybe luv Miri |
#12
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'B's fury as his cousin brings 2 playmates to stay'
'Kate wrote: On 18 Jul 2006 12:26:01 -0700, "miri" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: 'Kate wrote: Of course you worry about their care. But... you can't protect them 24/7 or shelter them from the hurts of the world. They have to learn how to comfort themselves, avoid trouble, and avoid harm all on their own. I'm not suggesting not to protect them. I'm simply saying that no matter how hard we try to avoid them, bad things happen. They happen even if you do everything right. It's better to teach kids how to take care of their own needs, physical, emotional, educational, mental... than to raise whusses, tarts, and others who lack the ability to care for themselves and wind up turning to drugs/drinking to soothe their hurts. This is true, but how far is reasonable? I'm strict about drink and drugs anywhere near the children, but if they don't have some exposure to people who drink then theres a risk that it will become a novelty to them when they're older - (maybe taking them into the city on sunday morning to see the amounts of naked vomit there is doorways may be a deterrant? thinks? - better in hot weather....more flies about A good party atmosphere is a must, but its what it could degenerate into that freaks me. There's no sure thing with pre-teens, teens, and the choices that they make. They will not always make the right choice. It won't be because no one ever told them if you tell them. Scare tactics don't work. They make kids think they're invincible because whatever you scared them with doesn't happen the first time... except on the rare occasion. I sometimes see kids who started doing drugs at age 8 or 9. I don't know how you manage. I have enough taking care of myself and my family... but to be concerned about ex's, ex's cousins, and strange girlfriends. I'm fond of them, but I don't get out to socialize very often. If my friendship wasn't so reasonable - I'd be feeling like a caged rat. Whatever, its always nice to know that someone important in my life is doing OK. - even if they don't give a s**t about me. Geeze I'd have been out and it would have all been forgotten if we'd never met - I wanted a fresh start and adore the results even tho I also have to tolerate16 years of him with it. I might not like it, but its the way things have to be, and he is a good man. I had a laugh at the Simpsons, one of Marges sisters was complaining about Homer "Gee Marge, once you've planted the seeds you throw away the packet don't you!" Ok, I could be wrong but here's the standard lecture anyway. You are not something thrown away. You deserve more than you're getting from your friendships. It's like... you got angry and didn't know what to do with it because you couldn't be angry and be liked (or nice) so you shut down... every once in awhile, you take the hurt and anger out and it reinforces what other people do to you. I don't know you and how you are from day to day but I know hurt and pain when I read it. Somewhere in there, the truth, reality, what is happening today is lost. You are allowed to tell people what you really do think. That's being respectful of others. The people you love deserve the chance to take it. They may even improve how they treat you and learn to value you more. Who knows where that would eventually lead. I can imagine you are weary! Ok, I know... 6 hours later than here. Seriously, though, does worry control you sometimes? nothing that a good nights rest won't put right, sometimes I give myself time to go through some photos, old music, old favorite things that remind me of who I am...NOT the stuff that makes me nostalgic but stuff like addresses and phone numbers, to help remind me that there are other people out there. Ah. So ok.... Try this on for a bit. Imagine working hard to make everything right for everyone else to the point of having put your needs aside.... something women often do when they dive into motherhood. Then your support system deserts you. You're hurt but life goes on... so you double your efforts to make things right and you succeed - somewhat. You've still left your needs behind out of necessity... no one could do both and what the heck, you're good at doing without the emotional things - someone who cares, someone you can confide in totally, someone who sees you as you are and is totally accepting. Imagine if that person wants nothing from you but who you are. Not sex. Not to have children. Not to clean. Not to provide income... just you. Maybe that idea makes you so sad that you can't look at it right now... it's not possible to even touch it without feeling pain. That would be a crisis. It's too lonely to go through life without being known. And if that's true, then you're on the edge of a wonderful time of life. You get to look through what was, figure out what still is, and become what you were meant to become. That's the only way to survive. It's the only way to live - to give yourself permission to be who you are - a person with needs, a person who needs other people, someone who isn't perfect and cannot do it all, someone who makes mistakes and you know what... doesn't mind one bit because mistakes don't define who you are anymore than the outside defines what's inside of a person. You have so much going for you! You're articulate. You think deeply about issues. You care about others. You love your child with all your heart. You work hard. You have a keen sense of right and wrong. And all of that is wonderful. And you know, angry is ok. It's best to address it with the person that you're angry at and get it all out so that it doesn't become bigger than life itself. I think your ex needs some practice saying no. He absolutely has a ton of self control.... maybe too much. I wonder what he gets out of being so self-sacrificing that he'd risk his daughter's safety. I wonder somehow, does he try to make my loneliness worse? what benefit to him to tell me about the party invites he's had, so and so's wedding, who shagged who? Yeah... why is that? If you don't want to hear about the parties and the wedding and the shagging, then tell him you don't want to hear about it. Let him deal with it. He's a grown up. And if not, then that's his problem, not yours. Long lecture... sorry 'bout that. Yeh its my fault too, I'm in the mommy daddy mindset....but he is equally to blame, there again thats right because the kids know who their parents are & we're not fighting. Guys love the idea that mom's still close, the nursery's clean and she will always be there to forgive, listen and virtuously await to serve the next meal. In actuality I think it goes more like this, your parents never had sex, sex was dirty. The day comes when you have a baby, he wants to make sure that you're not exposed to anything that might put the baby at risk of filth, he could be mistaken for wanting his mom back, (what a depressing scenario) & women are often tucked tidily away with their children, freaking out being told how dreadful people are behaving, when they damned well understand if he cast his mind back a little, both of you actually made little poopypants upon using similar formulas. The porn industry has a lot to offer the lonely guy, but the stuff they're exposed to and the manner in which its presented turns natural human experience into filth. I think if it widens the gap any further between womanhood and fertility, moms will be 'baby making machines' with no self-respect regards their own sexuality. My family were fairly broad minded, with no readers but his attitude considering he reads that stuff (equivalent most men) is so strange, he's the very first person to complain about it! Talk about dual standards! Anyway, that'll maybe make another thread. The thing is Kate, if my best friend came round for a chat and a cup of tea to gossip I'd turn a deaf ear to most of it, because she wouldn't be my best friend. My best friend would be asking me what time I could arrange a babysitter so we could both go out and party. She might have thought about asking if she could bring a friend along to a wedding between people we both knew, or ask me if I'd like to send them a congratulations card and gift. He's a F****** B******, an theres no way out. I'm not his mother superior, or our blessed virgin or some kinda confessor. It is impossible for me to live according to B's template of his perfect woman. Could anyone here do it? He's a man and I'm a woman, it works while the children are young, but heck I've got to..... get out of the house more often. Phew! Time I thought of something else, I'll mow the lawn and relax in the heat, scrub out the pool and turn a sprinkler on the kids before they dry out, Best, Miri |
#13
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'B's fury as his cousin brings 2 playmates to stay'
'Kate wrote:
On 19 Jul 2006 04:23:52 -0700, "miri" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: Yeh its my fault too, I'm in the mommy daddy mindset....but he is equally to blame, there again thats right because the kids know who their parents are & we're not fighting. A very good thing. Guys love the idea that mom's still close, the nursery's clean and she will always be there to forgive, listen and virtuously await to serve the next meal. I felt that way when I married too. I was fairly happy when he suggested I give up work and stay home. I think its important that children have mom there for them until they begin school. In reality I think both dads had to confront a bit of stereotyping, they enjoyed the freedom we shared without children, and they've objected to women working because it took the work off a man somewhere. Women could wear either the pants or the pearls, and I think some guys get envious of that choice women seemed to have. I'm fairly happy with the idea that dad can stay home and do the parenting bit, while I go out and work, but most men think that it'll turn them into some kind of transvestite, and I've never ever seen a fella nest and get broody, they just don't have those hormones. I look at billboard advertising differently these days. Whenever I see an advert for an executive motor, I wonder when someone will grafitti 'and its also so expensive to run that his wife with their three kids have to use public transport'. There are never enough toilet cubicles, there are too many steps to hoist a pushchair up, its nearly impossible to get a pushchair and a toddler and your shopping on the buses. 4 out of 5 guys won't stand up to offer a woman a seat if she's pregnant. People disapprove of breast feeding in public places (even if you're discreet) Men don't like your stretch marks or mommy fat so you have to cover yourself up. The gap between the platform at the train station and the carriage step is so wide you can trap the wheels of a pushchair (I've complained about that one), some restaurants won't cater for children, theres very few places when parents and children can all meet up together to socialize without alcohol becoming a concern. For instance it would be nice to have family type gatherings with a party atmosphere that children can join in with without adults making themselves sick. The thing is Kate, if my best friend came round for a chat and a cup of tea to gossip I'd turn a deaf ear to most of it, because she wouldn't be my best friend. My best friend would be asking me what time I could arrange a babysitter so we could both go out and party. She might have thought about asking if she could bring a friend along to a wedding between people we both knew, or ask me if I'd like to send them a congratulations card and gift. He's a F****** B******, an theres no way out. I'm not his mother superior, or our blessed virgin or some kinda confessor. It is impossible for me to live according to B's template of his perfect woman. Could anyone here do it? He's a man and I'm a woman, it works while the children are young, but heck I've got to..... get out of the house more often. :-) yep. It's past time. And of course you can't live by his ideal image of mother/woman and I don't think he really wants you to either. Yeh, of course, he'd prefer to have the ol' flirt back. Phew! Time I thought of something else, I'll mow the lawn and relax in the heat, scrub out the pool and turn a sprinkler on the kids before they dry out, Best, Miri We've been doing wedding stuff (daughter dearest and I) the last couple of days. There are a lot of little chores... I'm back to work next week though so I feel like if she needs me to do things, this is the time for it. She'll be over in a couple of hours with my car. Hers is in the shop so she took mine overnight. I'm ready for summer to be over... it's been so darn hot - mid 90's. I'd delighted for you! and I hope the weather stays nice. I'm all ears! will you post a photo on the web? Best Wishes, Miri |
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