2nd child concerns

Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child
before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts
and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this
way.

Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?

Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to
"know better" because she's older?

Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in
love" with her after #2 as I am now?

I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards
#1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there
and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever
want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was
several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I
could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a
new baby.

If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which would
put the babies 16 to 17 months apart.

Thanks for your input.

"ChitaShines" wrote in message
. com...
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd
child
before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some
thoughts
and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this
way.

I don't have a second child yet, but thought I'd put in my 2 cents. First
of all, I think these are all normal worries and concerns. Everyone goes
through something similar. Only you can decide if the time is right for you
to expand your family. 36 is not ancient -- you may not have all the time
in the world, but you could certainly wait a year or more before trying. I
don't think the risk factors from 36 to 37 or even to 38 are that greatly
different.

Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?

That's up to you. It's a decision that you'll make, not something that
anyone else can predict. How you treat your child is entirely up to you.

Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

If you are a stay-at-home mom, it's more likely that you'll see those
milestones than if you are a working mom. But just having another one to
care for won't make you miss a milestone.

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

You will love them each differently, because they are different people. You
may compare them, you may not. But comparing them isn't bad, it's what you
do or say to them about those comparisons that could be unhealthy. For
example, to say, "John is good at art, and Mary is good in math" is a
comparison. To say "Why don't you do better in school like Mary" is also a
comparison, but not a healthy one.

Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

You might. Especially when you have a newborn in the house and no one is
getting much sleep. That's what the other parent is for. But I think
that's pretty normal. We all have our limits, and patience comes and goes.
But no one can tell you how you will feel, or how you will react to those
feelings.

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to
"know better" because she's older?

She may be older than the baby, but she'll still just be 2 or 3 or 4 or
whatever. As long as you allow her to be whatever age that she is, you
should be fine. Just a leap here -- but were you the oldest child in your
family? Did your parents do that to you? If they did, you get to break the
cycle and make the decision to parent differently than they did. Again, no
one can tell you how *you* are going to react to having a second child in
the house.

Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in
love" with her after #2 as I am now?

You will still be as in love with #1 as you are now. You will still relish
being with her. But it will all be different. I don't have #2 yet, but my
#1 is almost 2 years old. She's getting into the terrible twos, and there
are times when I lose my patience, or get annoyed, or expect her to know
better, and I don't even have a newborn around. But that's just a normal
part of parenting. And at the exact same time, she is more fun and
entertaining than she's ever been. She can communicate better, she can
laugh and giggle, she can "play" with us in various ways, and it seems like
she learns 1000 new things every day. She's amazing, and I fall deeper in
love with her every day, especially as I watch and learn more and more about
her personality, and what makes her unique.

I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards
#1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there
and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't
ever
want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was
several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I
could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a
new baby.

If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which
would
put the babies 16 to 17 months apart.

I know you feel old and feel like you don't have any time to waste, but you
probably have more time than you realize. As I said above, I don't know how
drastic the change is for your risk factors from 36 to 38, but you may well
be able to wait a full year or even 18 months before ttc again. If you get
pregnant right away, that would make the age difference closer to 2-2.5
years, which might be a bit easier for everyone involved.

Whatever you do, you will not love your first darling any less. You will
just love this incredible new creature as well. Love grows and multiplies,
it does not divide.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

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ChitaShines wrote:
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd
child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have
some thoughts and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out
there who feels this way.

Your fears are exactly what I felt, to such an extent that I seriously
considered only having one child. But then I got pregnant, so that wasn't
to be (thankfully, in reality). A friend has 18 months between her boys,
and she reassured me that you will love no. 2 just as much as no. 1. We
will have about 23 months between our 2. My perspective is that DD is my
first, so I will always love her for that, but this child is likely our
last, so that will make it extra special too. I am worried about the
patience thing - I don't handle lack of sleep well, and DD knows how to do
things to irritate me.

Good luck.

Cathy
DD 8 Jan 03
EDD 8 Dec 04

ChitaShines wrote:

Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd child
before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some thoughts
and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this
way.

Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?

If you make an effort to do so. You will *feel* as
much love and affection for #1, but you will have to make
time to *show* it (both parents) or sometimes #1 can get
overlooked.

Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

That's up to you. Probably not.

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

Being able to love both enough is rarely a problem.
Some people compare and others don't. Actually, everyone
compares to *some* degree (it's hard not to notice that one
kid has brown eyes and the other blue). The question is
whether you burden *them* with any comparisons. Whether you
do or not is a choice.

Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

Again, that's a choice. Some people land like a ton
of bricks on the older child, others baby them too much, and
some manage to land in that happy middle ground.

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to
"know better" because she's older?

Well, you *should* expect more from an older
child. The question is whether your expectations will
be reasonable. It's up to you to ensure that they *are*
reasonable.

Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in
love" with her after #2 as I am now?

Sure, why not?

I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards
#1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there
and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't ever
want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was
several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I
could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a
new baby.

If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which would
put the babies 16 to 17 months apart.

In my experience, that age gap *can* work for people,
but it can be a really, really tough age gap for people who
are overwrought with the sorts of concerns you've expressed
here. If you are looking at everything from a perspective
where you fundamentally believe that you are short-changing
your children and yourself by having them close together,
you are at much higher risk for beating yourself up over
every little thing and always feeling inadequate to the
task. Some people are able to change their perspective,
and others seem stuck in it.
Honestly, 36 isn't *that* old. I turned 37 just
after I had my third. *Personally*, in your shoes I'd
wait longer. Every single *month* at that stage makes
a huge difference in development. Given that you are
concerned about this issue rather than leaping into it
gung ho, I think you'd be better served to wait just a
bit longer. A few months (or even as much as a year!)
from your planned schedule isn't likely to make *that*
much difference in terms of childbearing, but it could
make a huge difference in terms of your experience of
parenthood (which, of course, affects your parenting).
Mind you, I'm not saying that close spacings
are impossible or bad for kids or parents *per se*.
I'm suggesting that the fact you have these concerns
and would ideally wait longer suggests that in your
*particular* situation, it might be worth it to
consider waiting a bit longer because *for you* or
your family it could be less than ideal.

Best wishes,
Ericka

ChitaShines wrote:
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd
child before year's end, the main reason being my age (36).

Well you not a fossil yet ;-)

Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is
here?

This is tricky. #1 gets as much love for sure. Mine got attention but
honestly, not as much and not on demand. Sometimes he had to wait and I
suddenly had another baby to feed etc. so he no longer got me at every
moment. Of course, his relationship with his daddy really blossomed and it
was *wonderful*. Had the baby not come that would have been delayed. I
made a point of doing things with just #1.

Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

This was not my experience.

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

I think comparisons are natural and OK as long as you don't burden them with
the comparisons or compare in a negative way. I compare mine but more in
the spirit of relishing their uniqueness and I don't do it *to* them. I
love mine differently because they are different people but I love each
equally and I don't love #1 any less just because I had #2. If anything
there is a new dimension of love when I see them together as brothers.

Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

I didn't but this is a choice you can make. Be aware of it.

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect
her to "know better" because she's older?

Sure. Just make sure your expectations are age appropriate. She is a kid
too.

Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as
"in love" with her after #2 as I am now?

Of course!

I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change
towards #1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to
just sit there and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough
of her.

All those feelings are really quite normal but why not wait 6-12 months
before ttc.? You aren't under that big of a time crunch and 6-12 months can
really make a big difference at this age.

Mine are 24 months apart btw.
--
Nikki

"ChitaShines" wrote in message
. com...
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd
child
before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some
thoughts
and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this
way.



You're definitly not the only one.. all your concerns are very valid, but
anything you think you might feel will go out the window once #2 is around
anyway.. YMMV, but here's my experience for you..


Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?

Heck yeah! And #1 will be old enough to initiate affection and stuff. She
won't let you forget about her.


Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

Nope. You can't just "forget" you have another kid, kwim?

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

You'll never love any two people the same way. The same amount, yes. The
same way, no. Will you have undying, unconditional love for both of them?
Yep, and that's all that matters.


Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

I dunno about this. I wasn't blessed with mass amounts of patience to begin
with. I think I have more, now that I have 4 kids than I did when I just
had 1 or 2 kids. I know I have a ton more patience for my stepdaughter than
I did when I had no children..

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to
"know better" because she's older?

Yes you will. And then she'll do something totally age appropriate and
you'll forget that you were expecting so much out of her to begin with. (or
I'm a freak of nature and this doesn't happen to everyone)


Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in
love" with her after #2 as I am now?

OMG, yes. I *love* being with #1. Especially when its just her and I. I
love one on one time with all of my kids, the same amount.


I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards
#1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there
and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't
ever
want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was
several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I
could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a
new baby.


I've had all 4 of my children very close in age. I've loved each and every
one of them. I don't feel cheated out of spending time with them or
anything just because I had other kids to tend to. If anything, having more
kids has made me more grateful for the one on one time I have with each kid.

Good luck, whichever way you decide.

Denise

ChitaShines wrote in message
. com...
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd
child
before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some
thoughts
and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this
way.

Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?

Yes!

Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

Only as much as you miss out on #2's milestones because you're busy with #1.

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

No you'll love them in different ways because they're different.
I love #1 for her phrases, her desire to help and the way she looks after #2
as well as many other ways.
I love #2 for her activeness, the way she grins when she's e10mp1tied the
wipes 0packet...etc (and adds numbers when I'm typing)
I do compare, like #1 was just crawling now, whereas #2 has just taken her
first step. #1 slept through the night at 8 weeks, #2.. well never mind!!!
#2 has bigger feet...#1 had darker hair... doesn't mean I love one more.
It's just interesting seeing how different they are.

Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

Well, I do find that I'm more tired which gives me less patience.

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to
"know better" because she's older?

Well she will do. With age she'll get benefits (more pocket money, later
bedtime...etc.) but with the benefits she gets responsibilites. If #2
screams because she's cross, doesn't mean that #1 should scream because she
can tell me what she wants.

Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in
love" with her after #2 as I am now?

Yes. You will have less time for her, but it's good for them to discover
that they have to share. One of the things I love is seeing them sharing a
toy, or a game. It's helped her with her other friendships too. She does get
time on her own most days.

I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards
#1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there
and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't
ever
want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was
several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I
could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a
new baby.

As she gets older she may want to sit on your lap less but play more. It was
the pregnancy that I found hard to keep my attention on her. Once #2 was
born she could be "mummy's helper" and she likes to tell people that she's a
big sister.
I wouldn't not try for #2 on th basis of #1. they may relish having a baby
around, and my personal opinion is that they miss out if they don't have any
siblings.
Also looking a long way in the future, if you only have one child that
leaves all the responsibility for looking after you in your old age on one
child. I know from my parents that that time was hard, but made easier by
having people to share decisions with.
Debbie

Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?

That's up to you. If you make the effort you can. Babies nap an awful lot,
that's when #1 can get a lot of attention.

Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

See the answer above.

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

You will love them both, but they *are* differrent people, each with things
you like and dislike about them.
I think you will compare them cos it's only natural. Whether you make it
negative, is up to you.

Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

Depends on you.

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to
"know better" because she's older?

I don't. #1 is only 16 months older than #2. She's not much older, not old
enough to know better or be responsible for #2 (or #3 or #4 for that matter
IMO).

Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in
love" with her after #2 as I am now?

#2 is not replacing #1, you're adding to what you've already got.

I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards
#1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there
and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't
ever
want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was
several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I
could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a
new baby.

If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which
would
put the babies 16 to 17 months apart.

Thanks for your input.

It'll be hard, I won't lie. But to see the 2 of them interact and love each
other is the best. I don't understand why people are so worried about
having a 2nd. Why wouldn't you love it like you love #1? I think this goes
under "thinking way too hard".

Good luck.

--
Sophie
mom of 4

I have a daughter who is 18 weeks old and I am 9 weeks pregnant with number
2 (a very much wanted accident!!) we were going to have them close because
of my age (Im 38) but perhaps not this close, it is a scary thought having
two so close in age,

But the way I look at it is my daughter will certainly get attention as she
will be more capable of making her needs known, and I know that I will
certainly love the new baby just as much as my gorgeous little girl,
comparisons are a natural thing to do but they don't have to be
unfavourable.

A babys needs are relatively simple feed, change sleep and cuddles, which
will I hope leave me plenty of time to play with my daughter.

One thing I have found so far, when expecting my daughter I could tell
everyone exactly how many weeks I was, how big it was when it was due etc, I
was totally obsessed with the pregnancy and it seemed to go on for ever,
this time I had to look in my diary to see exactly how many weeks I was
because I have Madeline to think about. I don't know if its my imagination
but I don't feel so sick or tired this time again maybe because I have to
think of someone else's needs not just myself.

good luck in what ever you decide, in the meantime enjoy your little one I
am :-)

Helen

"ChitaShines" wrote in message
. com...
Although our first is only 5 mos, we are planning on trying for a 2nd
child
before year's end, the main reason being my age (36). I have some
thoughts
and concerns and hope that I am not the only one out there who feels this
way.

Will I continue to show as much love and attention to #1 after #2 is here?

Will I miss out on #1's milestones because I'll be so busy with #2?

Will I love them both the same way or will I be comparing them?

Will I have less patience for #1 because she'll be older than #2? I'm
talking about when they'll still be babies/toddlers.

Will I expect more from #1 because she'll be older? Will I expect her to
"know better" because she's older?

Will I still relish being with #1 like I do now? Will I still be as "in
love" with her after #2 as I am now?

I just feel really scared right now of how my feelings may change towards
#1. Right now she is the center of my universe. I love to just sit there
and hold her and just look at her. I can't get enough of her. I don't
ever
want these feelings to go away because of a new baby. I almost wish I was
several years younger because I would probably wait to have #2 just so I
could totally enjoy #1 exclusively for awhile without having to tend to a
new baby.

If we do conceive this winter, I estimate a July/August due date which
would
put the babies 16 to 17 months apart.

Thanks for your input.

In my experience, that age gap *can* work for people,
but it can be a really, really tough age gap for people who
are overwrought with the sorts of concerns you've expressed
here. If you are looking at everything from a perspective
where you fundamentally believe that you are short-changing
your children and yourself by having them close together,
you are at much higher risk for beating yourself up over
every little thing and always feeling inadequate to the
task. Some people are able to change their perspective,
and others seem stuck in it.
Honestly, 36 isn't *that* old. I turned 37 just
after I had my third. *Personally*, in your shoes I'd
wait longer. Every single *month* at that stage makes
a huge difference in development. Given that you are
concerned about this issue rather than leaping into it
gung ho, I think you'd be better served to wait just a
bit longer. A few months (or even as much as a year!)
from your planned schedule isn't likely to make *that*
much difference in terms of childbearing, but it could
make a huge difference in terms of your experience of
parenthood (which, of course, affects your parenting).
Mind you, I'm not saying that close spacings
are impossible or bad for kids or parents *per se*.
I'm suggesting that the fact you have these concerns
and would ideally wait longer suggests that in your
*particular* situation, it might be worth it to
consider waiting a bit longer because *for you* or
your family it could be less than ideal.

wow, I would really like to hear you say that out loud, I'm curious as to
how you would emphasize the starred words, regarding what you say, I'd have
to say to the original poster that I totally agree, I know as I parent I am
totally different to how I was when ds was 5 months, and to be honest I'd
hate to be heavily pregnant right now, ds is 15 months, so similar to what
you are hoping for