Daddy's Boy

My 19 month old just loves his daddy. This is wonderful. I love him
immensely. It is however difficult for my wife, a devoted mother, who
adores her little boy as well. She feels rejected by him and it is
beginning to take its toll. I have tried to find some information on this
in books but most gloss over daddy and focus exclusively on favoritism to
mommy.

Can anyone offer some of your own experiences and advice?

Sid wrote:
My 19 month old just loves his daddy. This is wonderful. I love him
immensely. It is however difficult for my wife, a devoted mother, who
adores her little boy as well. She feels rejected by him and it is
beginning to take its toll. I have tried to find some information on this
in books but most gloss over daddy and focus exclusively on favoritism to
mommy.

Can anyone offer some of your own experiences and advice?

My own experience tells me this varies considerably by
day/month/year. DD and DS have gone through many phases
when I or my wife was persona non grata or King/Queen
of the World.

Is one of you more inclined to be the rule-setter/
disciplinarian? If your wife is always setting limits,
and you're not, that could certainly color your kid's
interaction with you. Or, if your wife is with him
all day, and you come home then and play with him
after he and your wife have grown weary of each other,
that also could color his interactions. I admit that
this is assuming that she is SAH and you are not.

Executive summary: it's likely a phase; if you
tone down your interactions, and/or include your wife
with them, and talk to your wife about it (like it
sounds you have been), things may improve.

scott DD 11 and DS 9

In article fYHUd.45910$W16.6081@trndny07, Sid wrote:
My 19 month old just loves his daddy. This is wonderful. I love him
immensely. It is however difficult for my wife, a devoted mother, who
adores her little boy as well. She feels rejected by him and it is
beginning to take its toll. I have tried to find some information on this
in books but most gloss over daddy and focus exclusively on favoritism to
mommy.

Can anyone offer some of your own experiences and advice?

It is not unusual for a child to prefer one parent to the other.
Sometimes the allegiance switches back and forth, some times it
remains fixed. Sometimes it is predictable based on nature of
interactions (disciplinarian vs. indulgent parent), sometimes it is
not.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to take turns playing with him,
getting him ready for bed, feeding him, ... . In fact, by taking
turns, you teach him the value of sharing, as each of you gets some of
the joy and some of the labor of caring for him. Let him know: "I'd
love to read to you tonight, but it is your Mommy's turn tonight---we
both want to, so we take turns."

My own son, almost 9, has frequently expressed a preference over the
years for me rather than his mother, but for many activities he
prefers her (I won't play Monopoly with him and don't have sufficient
patience for the role-playing talking games that he plays when walking
anywhere). We took turns at most activities, but have gradually
settled into habits where each of us is responsible for different
activities and times of day---I generally get him ready for school and
walk or bike with him to school, she fetches him from school and keeps
him busy until supper, and I bathe him and put him to bed.
Supervising homework is generally split, though she ends up with more
of it than me, since we try to have the bulk done before supper (and
she can help him with his Spanish, which I can't).


------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
(Senior member, IEEE) (Board of Directors, ISCB)
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Affiliations for identification only.

Thanks Scott, Richard, and Kevin. My wife and I have been trying to be more
attentive to the little things like who gets him out of his crib in the
morning, who is reading the books and the like. My son, Garrett, definately
likes the physical play and I am the main purveyor of that. My wife is a
little more of the rule keeper of the two of us. Though we are both on the
same page as far as expectations, I am much more likely to chalk some
things up to toddler exploration and learning. We have a good balance
overall but the parenting part of our relationship is perhaps teaching us
the most about ourselves.

Many thanks!

Sid

In article ,
Kevin Karplus wrote:

It is not unusual for a child to prefer one parent to the other.
Sometimes the allegiance switches back and forth, some times it
remains fixed. Sometimes it is predictable based on nature of
interactions (disciplinarian vs. indulgent parent), sometimes it is
not.

It is good that you said this. I found, as the OP did, that most books
focused on mommy preference, but also that they focused on preferences
with a "good reason" (daddy is the disciplinarian, daddy doesn't
spend as much time with the kids, etc...) and asserted that such
preferences were generally a short-lived "stage".

These didn't ring true for us, nor for other families we've known.

My own son, almost 9, has frequently expressed a preference over the
years for me rather than his mother, but for many activities he
prefers her (I won't play Monopoly with him and don't have sufficient
patience for the role-playing talking games that he plays when walking
anywhere).

We have found that what works best for us is for the less-preferred
parent to find his/her own "niche" -- something that they do better
or more willingly than the other parent (and have the other parent
back-off from that role). My kids now all have special things that
they look forward to doing with their less-preferred parent, and this
helps strengthen their relationship.

Good luck!
--Robyn

Putting her to bed, we'd go through a "Who loves Micaela?" list. Then
we'd
recite a list of the people we loved. It took a few days of this for her
to
realize that it is indeed possible to love more than one person (and
without
diminishing your feelings for anyone else on your list).

Talk to your son, Sid, and tell him that you love him very much *AND* that
you
love Mommy very much. Let him know that Mommy loves Daddy very much *and*
Mommy loves him very much.


Interesting you should suggest this Richard. We have been very conscious
about being affecitionate with each other in his presence. He almost always
takes great joy in this and laughs and laughs. At bedtime, I recently
started saying to him "I love you. You are my favorite little boy in the
whole world." To which, he would respond "whole world." When my wife also
started saying this to him, I was first a bit annoyed at her stealing my
little line. But, now it is a bedtime ritual with his response being either
"Mommy" or "Daddy" calling on the other of us to also tell him.