Teenager not wanting to grow up

P.S. let me apologize in advance for the rambling nature of this post


Some history
-------------------
Our daughter has been an ADHD poster-child all her life. She was even
invited to join an NIH study on ADHD. About 8 years ago, an MRI showed
she had a brain tumor. The tumor didn't manifest any physical
symptoms, but was growing. It was removed and she survived, but there
were a number of physical problems as a result of the surgery.

One day (a few weeks before the surgery), she didn't do her math
homework assignment. When the teacher called her on it, my daughter
exclaimed that "she couldn't do the work because she had a brain tumor"
Even back then, she was good at getting out of things...

OK, so now she's 18. Emotionally, she seems to be about 15. She's
talked about this with her therapist and they both agree that seems to
be the case. She's having a hard time making friends her own age.

She got into college on a scholarship. However, once there her grades
plummeted. She explained to us that "she knew the topics, so why turn
in the homework?" and "this teacher didn't like me - so I
didn't get a good grade." So, she lost her scholarship and might
have to leave the dorms.

She calls us from school, at least once a day, sometimes many times a
day (not a problem we'd rather hear from her than not

The Challenge
-------------------
Because of the side effects of the surgery, she can't drive. She's
more than happy to have friends (or parents) drive her everywhere.
We've been working with her to learn about public transportation, and
other independent living skills -- to which she is very resistant. She
really isn't limited in learning any of this.

She called last night and told her mom that since she'd determined she
was only about 15 inside, that she was too young to do things like
learn how to use public transportation, live outside of our house, and
generally look after herself. (I'm paraphrasing here)

I'm going to pick her up now for Christmas break. I'm wondering what -
if anything - I can say to help her understand the opportunities she is
squandering? I'm searching the internet for inspirational stories
about teenagers overcoming adversity or other relevant articles. Any
other suggestions?

11D.Universe wrote:

P.S. let me apologize in advance for the rambling nature of this post


Some history
-------------------
Our daughter has been an ADHD poster-child all her life. She was even
invited to join an NIH study on ADHD. About 8 years ago, an MRI showed
she had a brain tumor. The tumor didn't manifest any physical
symptoms, but was growing. It was removed and she survived, but there
were a number of physical problems as a result of the surgery.

One day (a few weeks before the surgery), she didn't do her math
homework assignment. When the teacher called her on it, my daughter
exclaimed that "she couldn't do the work because she had a brain tumor"
Even back then, she was good at getting out of things...
----------------
Getting out of things??? She was facing her possible death or the
end of her personality as she had known it, you don't think that
pre-surgical she might have been a little bit pre-occupied????
What kind of stupid ******* ARE you, anyway????


OK, so now she's 18. Emotionally, she seems to be about 15. She's
talked about this with her therapist and they both agree that seems to
be the case. She's having a hard time making friends her own age.

She got into college on a scholarship. However, once there her grades
plummeted. She explained to us that "she knew the topics, so why turn
in the homework?" and "this teacher didn't like me - so I
didn't get a good grade." So, she lost her scholarship and might
have to leave the dorms.

She calls us from school, at least once a day, sometimes many times a
day (not a problem we'd rather hear from her than not

The Challenge
-------------------
Because of the side effects of the surgery, she can't drive. She's
more than happy to have friends (or parents) drive her everywhere.
We've been working with her to learn about public transportation, and
other independent living skills -- to which she is very resistant. She
really isn't limited in learning any of this.
------------------------
So YOU say,but YOU don't REALLY ****ing KNOW!!


She called last night and told her mom that since she'd determined she
was only about 15 inside, that she was too young to do things like
learn how to use public transportation, live outside of our house, and
generally look after herself. (I'm paraphrasing here)

I'm going to pick her up now for Christmas break. I'm wondering what -
if anything - I can say to help her understand the opportunities she is
squandering? I'm searching the internet for inspirational stories
about teenagers overcoming adversity or other relevant articles. Any
other suggestions?
---------------------------
She may have unexamined/hard to determine deficits from the tumor and
loss of excised brain tissue. Changes in personality are not at all
uncommon after tumor or brain injury. She sounds like she knows her
deficits better than you do, you seem to want to be done with her,
she's ruining your plans or something. Well SOOORRRYY!!! Such things
take MANY YEARS to come back from, and she should come home and
stabilize a while before being forced by you to inadvertantly
"squander anymore opportunites"!!!!

This is NOT something that is "overcome by willpower", in fact
"willpower" is known by psychology and philosophy to be popular
poppycock as a concept. No one can merely change themselves by
an effort of "whim". None of us can change what we believe even
one iota merely by wishing to. There is no such thing as "Free
Will", it's was a nonsense comcept dreamed up during the
Inquisition to justify torture to assuage the guilt of the
torturers.

"Overcoming adversity by effort" is just so much television garbage!!
It amounts to selective ignorance. They never direct our attention to
the vast majority who exerted MUCH MORE effort and failed! They violate
the actual total example and pretend that everyone should be able to
do what only a tiny minority can do.

What we are is determined by our sum-total of life experiences, the
chemistry laws that operate in our brains, and in her case, her brain
injuries. YOU'RE the one who is whining about this. Give her the much
longer chance she deserves to get her personality stabilized again.
You're pushing on someone fragile, and she may break!!
Steve