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#11
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marital life post partum
Welches wrote:
I also find it irritating when I get "I'll do these jobs for you so later we can..." when he wouldn't do the jobs otherwise. I then feel pressurised into agreeing when sometimes I've earmarked that evening for something else. Debbie Excuse me, but does he sometimes leave money on your bedside table, too? Honestly, I've been reading through this thread and I just can't believe how little self respect some of you have left! Why are you putting up with men who treat you like servants and hookers? Yes, so they bring home the money, or the majority of the money, but you're doing the housework and you're raising the kids. Why are you willingly taking the short end of the stick? Just because they're paying most of the bills doesn't mean they get to be "more equal" than you. It's a marriage, a relationship, not a bussines deal. If they wanted a housemaid that also gives them a blowjob they should maybe put an ad in a paper that says so. You're going to doctors, you're popping anti depressants, and all because your _partner_ is treating you like he owns you? Couples therapy might be a good idea in some cases, stand up for yourselves! Really, I'm a single mom and people keep telling me to find a husband and I keep thinking "WHY?!" 90% of the married couples with kids I know are unhappy and struggling and thinking about divorce, and the reasons they cite against divorce are "we own the house together" or "what about the kids?" and noone mentions "But I love him/her". Financial stability doesn't happen through marriage. Happieness for the rest of your life doesn't happen through marriage either. Clearly kids happen outside of marriages, too, so that's not a reason to get married either. So why do you insist that marriage is "_the_ Thing!" (TM). Last guy I was with proposed and I even said yes. Then I got pregnant and he decided it's ok to treat me like a 2 y.o. I told him so often that I can't go on like this and he dismissed it as bull**** and told me "yeah yeah, go, take your medication so you act normal again." (antidepressants, which I stopped taking cold turkey when I got the positive pg test). I was throwing up all day every day and he told me to get a grip and take care of the household. I finally sent him packing and two days later I wasn't throwing up anymore. Now he calls me greedy and says I'm having the baby just because of the money I'll be getting from him (because, as we all know, the way to get really filthy rich is by having children from guys who earn minimum wages). And then people wonder why I say I will never ever in my life get married. Please, if your husband thinks he can treat you worse than an equal, think about couples therapy instead of trying to "fix" yourselves. Low self esteem doesn't make you feel sexy and maybe if you feel like an equal instead of like a housemaid you will start feeling sexy and ready for sex again, too. take care nicole |
#12
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marital life post partum
NL wrote:
Honestly, I've been reading through this thread and I just can't believe how little self respect some of you have left! Why are you putting up with men who treat you like servants and hookers? It's not as bad as that. Just because we are griping a bit does not mean the men are treating us like "servants and hookers"! Having a baby changes everything and the entire marital relationship needs to adapt, which does not happen quickly, especially if one or both partners is short on sleep. My not wanting sex does not make me a bad wife. DH being a bit grumpy does not make him a bad husband. Complaining and recognizing problems is healthy. As long as both partners realize this is what is happening and both understand that it takes some time, everything's cool, even if there's no sex _right now_. We don't throw out the marriage just because a few issues need working on. -- Anita -- |
#13
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marital life post partum
"Anna.Nicole.m" wrote in message oups.com... ok other mommies I need some help. I have a 7 mos old critter at home and I have very little to no sex drive. I'm fairly confident it has more to do with being absolutely exhausted all the time. My husband has begun to hound me about "getting" sex. Which makes me feel like it's just another chore I have to find time to perform. like when's the Laundry going to be done or when am I going to make dinner. We had a pretty healthy sex life prior to getting pregnant. complications half way through my pregnancy didn't allow for sex to continue so we went almost 4 mos without. and anymore I could take it or leave it. When we do have sex it's good but once i get the baby to sleep for the night I am so drained that I just want to sit down and do nothing. sex is the very very very last thing on my mind. HELP JUST like a lot of others, I think I'm in the same boat. I have the same issues - lack of sleep, never ending laundry, dishes, snotty noses, poopy diapers, did I mention laundry or diapers yet? Come time for bed, which is often some crazy early hour in the AM, the only thing on my mind is normally to sneak quietly into bed and not wake DD2 up, who is sleeping in her bed beside ours, if she's not sleeping in bed with us. Some things that *I* have found can sometimes help are some fairly simple, basic and easy things. -Go out. Go out alone. Take no kids, no husbands, don't even take the dog for a walk. Go out by yourself. Meet up with a girl friend or two. Go for coffee, go do a bit of shopping, just get out of the house and get out ALONE. Leave Dad to fend for himself with the little ones. I try and do that when possible and, of course, when I feel like I really need it. Staying with little ones all day and then all evening can be maddening. There's only so many times you can watch Sesame Street, Winnie the Pooh or Bob the Builder before you snap. I know I can only handle so many conversations about dinosaurs and army men before my brain starts to turn to mushy bananas. -Shower or bath. Together. Once the baby is sleeping. Light a candle or two. If you have a stick of some nice smelling incense, that's always nice. Turn the lights off and sit in the shower or bath together. Just talk or say nothing at all at first. Let it go from there. Make sure he shaves his rough, scratchy stubble off his face first LOL Let him wash your hair, wash his, whatever. Just some time alone with no baby around. -Pick up an activity that you like. Find a friend that has something in common with you. Go to a Creative Memories or Stampin' Up party and buy something and maybe start scrapbooking or stamping with a friend. Take one night out for you and make it an all night thing. I often go to one friend's house for a scrapbooking night. It's normally from about 6pm until at least midnight, and it's normally once a month, sometimes once every 3 weeks. This particular group is all moms. Nurslings come along, but generally we leave the kids at home for a Daddy's night. No one will die, I promise! LOL I used this as an example because it fits me, but it can be whatever fits your interests. Even a Pampered Chef party, get some cool stuff and then have some of those ladies meet up for a baking exchange or whatever. I find, for me, anyways, that time away from home can be a lifesaver. I actually didn't even realize that it was an issue until a friend pointed it out. I was talking to her one afternoon on the phone. DS was REALLY pushing my buttons and for some reason, REALLY annoying me. I was snapping left, right and centre at the kids over anything. She told me - not asked me - to leave the kids and come over for dinner at her place. Her hubby works late and wasn't home, so she told me I was going to her place for dinner and that was that. She even offered to come pick me up if I tried to make excuses (oh, it's kind of far, I don't have much gas, low on gas and no money, etc) and when I said I have to get supper for N and the kids first, she told me N was perfectly capable of making supper for himself and the kids just this one time. So, off I went (although with DD2 as she was still young and is exclusively breastfed) for dinner at my friend's house. We sat, visited and even went through some small scrapbooking stuff. I came home fairly late that evening and for some reason, things were different. *I* was putting the moves on him that night! A night out *alone* for me definitely helps. It's almost like I come home after an evening out and I feel like we've been away for weeks, yet it's only a few hours. He also very much enjoys my scrapbooking nights - it gives him a chance to remember what I deal with every day on my own while he's at work and keep that in mind when it comes to a lot of things, it gives him and the kids one-on-one time without me being there, when he puts the kids to bed, he can watch his stupid Star Trek without me putting in my little comments about how stupid or predictable that was in the show and when I come home, more often than not, I'm more than game for some action with him. |
#14
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marital life post partum
Irrational Number wrote:
My not wanting sex does not make me a bad wife. DH being a bit grumpy does not make him a bad husband. Complaining and recognizing problems is healthy. As long as both partners realize this is what is happening and both understand that it takes some time, everything's cool, even if there's no sex _right now_. We don't throw out the marriage just because a few issues need working on. Yeah, but who's working on them? And for me sentences like "my husband appears to assume it's entirely me and absolutely nothing to do with him" or ""I'll do these jobs for you so later we can..." when he wouldn't do the jobs otherwise." doesn't sound like the man being a bit grumpy, it sounds like the blame is put on the woman and it sounds like it's her job to get straightened out and not his to work on the issues as well. I also didn't say divorce I said couples therapy. Which is working on issues with a professional opposed to mudding thru it yourself somehow with that grumpy husband who's probably not realizing what kind of pressure he's putting on you. I'm aware that for some it is a medical issue and I'm not suggestion not to try and get that issue worked on because obviously it's important to be healthy, but why not _also_ get someone to help you work on your relationship that's not really all that great right now? My view is probably skewed because my last relationship was so not based on equality, and every time I talk to my best friend on the phone I hear about the next thing her husband's just pulled on her. (She has medical problems and he can't even take a day off and take care of the three children so she can have all her tests done, let alone take care of the kids for an evening so she can meet up with a friend or something. and no, he's not some top executive who has no choice but be at the meetings, he's just processing data). I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but from where I am right now I just freak out really quickly when I see or rather when it seems to me that women are taking the blame for everything and guys are apparently getting away with it. take care nicole |
#15
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marital life post partum
Thank you thank you everyone. I feel much better and my husband and I
are doing better. and it's on him to set the mood. Someday soon I think someone other then I will have the ability to put my ds to sleep at night. until then it's my time. and that's ok. |
#16
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marital life post partum
"Anna.Nicole.m" wrote in message
oups.com... Thank you thank you everyone. I feel much better and my husband and I are doing better. and it's on him to set the mood. Someday soon I think someone other then I will have the ability to put my ds to sleep at night. until then it's my time. and that's ok. How old is your baby again? I'd HIGHLY recommend letting dh start putting her to bed, even if it's tough on her and doesn't work right away. Seriously, even if it means that you go spend the night at a friends house for the weekend and coming back in the morning. Or wearing earplugs. Or putting a pillow over your head, or getting in the shower during bedtime, etc. If you put this off, you are only setting the current situation in concrete, and the longer it is only you who can put her to bed, the harder it will be to get dh or anyone else to be able to put her to bed. You might work on teaching dh any of your tricks, as well as perhaps having him hold/wrap the baby in one of your worn t-shirts/nighties, so that she smells you on him, and begins to associate your warm fuzzies with him. Other than that, babies just need to learn how to be soothed by daddy, and daddy needs to learn how to sooth baby. It's a learning process, but it will happen. -- Jamie Earth Angels: Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03 Addison Grace -- 09/30/04 Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password: Guest Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and Password |
#17
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marital life post partum
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#18
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marital life post partum
On May 23, 12:11 pm, "Anna.Nicole.m" wrote:
On May 22, 12:02 pm, "Jamie Clark" wrote: "Anna.Nicole.m" wrote in message roups.com... Thank you thank you everyone. I feel much better and my husband and I are doing better. and it's on him to set the mood. Someday soon I think someone other then I will have the ability to put my ds to sleep at night. until then it's my time. and that's ok. How old is your baby again? I'd HIGHLY recommend letting dh start putting her to bed, even if it's tough on her and doesn't work right away. Seriously, even if it means that you go spend the night at a friends house for the weekend and coming back in the morning. Or wearing earplugs. Or putting a pillow over your head, or getting in the shower during bedtime, etc. If you put this off, you are only setting the current situation in concrete, and the longer it is only you who can put her to bed, the harder it will be to get dh or anyone else to be able to put her to bed. You might work on teaching dh any of your tricks, as well as perhaps having him hold/wrap the baby in one of your worn t-shirts/nighties, so that she smells you on him, and begins to associate your warm fuzzies with him. Other than that, babies just need to learn how to be soothed by daddy, and daddy needs to learn how to sooth baby. It's a learning process, but it will happen. I honestly would like to, but it's such an argument with my husband and with Neil doing most of his nursing at night I think it would be equally hard on Neil. My mom and my sister can put Neil to bed so I'm ok with that. My husband does the whole "I think he needs to nurse thing" ALLLLLL the time. It's just one less argument. And it's also me. I can't stand hearing Neil upset, it makes my anxiety level go through the roof.- Hide quoted text - FWIW - I was the only one who could put DD to bed as well, then at 7 months I had to take a business trip and was away for 3 bedtimes. He had no choice and managed just fine since I wasn't in the house. However we went back to our normal pattern until this past week (DD is almost 11 months now), when he started trying to put her to bed again. He used to do the same thing where she'd get fussy and say "she needs to nurse." But now I've convinced him that this is a step towards getting her to sleep through the night (which is in his interest!), so he gives her a bottle. If she wakes up an hour later, he'll go to her again to calm her down. It does drive me nuts if DD is crying - we have the monitor on, and I've told him if it gets to a point he thinks it's not working, to call me and I'll come, otherwise I'm not going in the room (which makes DD scream more). it takes awhile, but it's working. That's justa BTDT story....my suggestion? Tell him he's got to learn to do bedtime too, and once he does, it'll be easier for everyone. DH was really opposed for a long time, but now though he's a bit apprehensive, is willing to try. |
#19
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marital life post partum
On May 17, 6:28 am, "Anna.Nicole.m" wrote:
ok other mommies I need some help. I have a 7 mos old critter at home and I have very little to no sex drive. I'm fairly confident it has more to do with being absolutely exhausted all the time. My husband has begun to hound me about "getting" sex. Which makes me feel like it's just another chore I have to find time to perform. like when's the Laundry going to be done or when am I going to make dinner. We had a pretty healthy sex life prior to getting pregnant. complications half way through my pregnancy didn't allow for sex to continue so we went almost 4 mos without. and anymore I could take it or leave it. When we do have sex it's good but once i get the baby to sleep for the night I am so drained that I just want to sit down and do nothing. sex is the very very very last thing on my mind. HELP It's easy, just perform oral sex or let him have sex with you. You might want to pop in a porno to speed things up. Regards... |
#20
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marital life post partum
On May 18, 1:09 pm, Larry Mcmahan wrote:
In article .com, says... ok other mommies I need some help. I have a 7 mos old critter at home and I have very little to no sex drive. I'm fairly confident it has more to do with being absolutely exhausted all the time. My husband has begun to hound me about "getting" sex. Which makes me feel like it's just another chore I have to find time to perform. like when's the Laundry going to be done or when am I going to make dinner. We had a pretty healthy sex life prior to getting pregnant. complications half way through my pregnancy didn't allow for sex to continue so we went almost 4 mos without. and anymore I could take it or leave it. When we do have sex it's good but once i get the baby to sleep for the night I am so drained that I just want to sit down and do nothing. sex is the very very very last thing on my mind. HELP Let me try it from the guy's point of view. Hopefully that will help. First, he has to come to understand the stresses you are working under, Oh please. You're giving women way too much credit here. so he understands it is not HIM that is the cause of the lack of action (always the guy's first thought until someone clues him in different), When my friends tell me their lack of sex because of the baby, they usually blame their wives. Which is true, because it's not difficult to have sex and when a wife rejects it, it really ****es us off, especially if we love our wives. In my case, I was sexually turned off by my wife because of the breast feeding and being in the delivery room. However, my wife was always willing to make sure I was taken cared of when needed be. Second, you might suggest that he could help by giving you some "down time" to recover from the endless demands. Let him know that if he can help with the baby and give you even two hours of rest time a couple times a week it can make a world of difference. Like he will put the kids to bed while she goes and takes a shower and gets ready. Constantly putting the kids in bed while she watches TV makes no sense. We're not really a demanding, uncompromising lot. It's just that we are mostly clueless, and out thinking doesn't go past the end of our... ah, nose. :=-) speak for yourself. What you describe is a neutered house pet, not a man. Larry Regards... |
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