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#1
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Any suggestions (infant death mentioned)
I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's
coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of saying anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card, and Mum's getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I don't think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they wish to. All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so she will be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot (their suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm taking a pink blanket. I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they don't forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point? I thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when? I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about Matthew, and things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill messages" we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and see other memories of him. We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a CD with them on when she's here. Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid. Debbie |
#2
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"Welches" wrote: Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid. Debbie I think you're right on the money. Anything you can do to acknowledge the baby, and recognize it as a baby, would be wonderful. If you go to http://www.memoriesofmariam.com/ and click on "Find Support" you will see a list of suggestions (probably too long to list everything here) to help a bereaved family. I'm so sorry for your loss. (((Hugs))) -- -Lisa Due September 2005 Mom to Aaron & Nicholas born 7/25/04 Mom to Mariam Averi, born sleeping 9/10/03 http://www.memoriesofmariam.com |
#3
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I think the teddy, card and tulips are a lovely gift. I think the funeral
would be the perfect time, or just afterwards when you get home, to show your sister the booklet you've made. I mean, that's what funerals are about -- remembering the loved one. What a lovely thing to do. I think you are doing everything right. Hugs. -- Jamie Earth Angels: Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- Little Miss Manners, who says, "No skank you" and "Tank you very much, momma." Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Prodigy, who can now roll over, and pull herself to standing while holding onto someone's fingers! Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password: Guest Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and Password "Welches" wrote in message ... I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of saying anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card, and Mum's getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I don't think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they wish to. All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so she will be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot (their suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm taking a pink blanket. I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they don't forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point? I thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when? I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about Matthew, and things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill messages" we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and see other memories of him. We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a CD with them on when she's here. Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid. Debbie |
#4
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Welches wrote:
Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid. The one I hated worse was, "You're so strong for getting through this." Um, yeah, because it was a choice. The best thing, let her talk your ear off about every single, boring, excruciating detail if she wants, but don't ask too many questions if she doesn't. Michelle Flutist |
#5
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I'm very sorry for your loss. When my Dad died one of his old college
friends made a booklet about their friendship with lots of photos of my Dad, I really treasure it and it gave me lots of comfort. So I think your idea of a booklet will really be appreciated, especially in the future. Helen Welches wrote: I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of saying anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card, and Mum's getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I don't think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they wish to. All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so she will be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot (their suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm taking a pink blanket. I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they don't forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point? I thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when? I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about Matthew, and things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill messages" we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and see other memories of him. We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a CD with them on when she's here. Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid. Debbie |
#6
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"Michelle J. Haines" wrote:
The best thing, let her talk your ear off about every single, boring, excruciating detail if she wants, but don't ask too many questions if she doesn't. Agreed. Let her talk as much as she wants. The other thing is, sorry, I don't remember if your sister has other children... If not, remind her that she is still a mother, if the subject comes up. (Some people think if you lose a child, you are no longer a mother, but if you've ever had a child for any length of time, you are a mother.) -- Anita -- |
#7
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Welches wrote: Any suggestions other than the obvious: I never know what to say. I remember reading a Chicken Soup for the Soul where someone was in a coma and dying, and a visitor came to the hospital while two other relatives (one of whom was the writer) were there. The visitor didn't say a word. He came in, stood near the sick person quietly for a few moments, as if in silent prayer. Then he embraced the two relatives, wiped away a tear, and left. The writer said that it was a touching moment, and that she was always grateful that the visitor hadn't tried to trivialize their pain with mere words. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes just listening and not saying anything at all can be exactly the right thing to say. Trust yourself. You'll be ok. Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I'll be thinking of you and your family. Amy |
#8
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Debbie
It sounds like you are doing everything right. Try not to worry about what to say/not to say-that will bring on discomfort and awkwardness with yourself. You can always just listen and be present. Hugs to you. Kelly "Welches" wrote in message ... I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of saying anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card, and Mum's getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I don't think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they wish to. All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so she will be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot (their suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm taking a pink blanket. I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they don't forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point? I thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when? I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about Matthew, and things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill messages" we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and see other memories of him. We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a CD with them on when she's here. Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid. Debbie |
#9
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a visitor came to the hospital while two other relatives (one of
whom was the writer) were there. The visitor didn't say a word. He came in, stood near the sick person quietly for a few moments, as if in silent prayer. Then he embraced the two relatives, wiped away a tear, and left. yes. that's really an excellent example of something they taught at my seminary: "don't just do something, stand there." -- Vicki. Married DH May, 1995. Ima shel Stubborn, born 11/99; Chatty, born 5/02, and Snuggly, born 9/8/04. Pregnant, breastfeeding or both since February 1999. |
#10
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On Wed, 09 Mar 2005 15:56:15 +0000, Welches wrote:
I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of saying anything tactless or insensitive. Having dealt a lot with my friend who recently had a stillborn daughter, the first and foremost thing for you to do is be honest. If you don't know what to say, go up to your sister and tell her exactly that. Do not be afraid to say stupid things, you're her sister. Be open about your own feelings, towards her and towards others. Hiding will only make it worse. If she is not much of a talker, be gentle with her. Don't force her to talk about things she may not want to address right now. Listen to her when she talks, just listen and let her know you care. Simply be there. It is hard to find a balance between your everyday life and her (and your own!) grief. One should never completely obscure the other, but the balance will shift every day. Take every day as it comes. If you want, plan one outdoor activity every day. Simple things, like shopping, going for a 10 minute walk, going out for dinner or rent a movie. Just to keep the minimum activities of a normal life going. The rest of the day, just let your sister do whatever she feels like. She will need a lot of time. I think you are already doing many wonderful things and your sister will be grateful for them no matter how, where or when you give them to her. Matthew will always be a part of your entire family, and the more everyone acknowledges him, the easier it will be for everybody to come to terms with his passing. (((((Debbie & family))))) you are in my thoughts! -- -- I mommy to DS (July '02) mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04) preggers with twins EDD August'05 guardian of DH (33) |
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