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Any suggestions (infant death mentioned)



 
 
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  #1  
Old March 9th 05, 04:56 PM
Welches
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Default Any suggestions (infant death mentioned)

I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's
coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of saying
anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a
I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card, and Mum's
getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I don't
think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they wish
to.
All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so she will
be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot (their
suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm taking a
pink blanket.
I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they don't
forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point? I
thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when?
I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about Matthew, and
things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill messages"
we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and see other
memories of him.
We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a CD
with them on when she's here.

Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the
children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments
like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could
say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid.
Debbie


  #2  
Old March 9th 05, 05:28 PM
Crystal Dreamer
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"Welches" wrote:
Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the
children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments
like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people

could
say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid.
Debbie



I think you're right on the money. Anything you can do to acknowledge the
baby, and recognize it as a baby, would be wonderful. If you go to
http://www.memoriesofmariam.com/ and click on "Find Support" you will see a
list of suggestions (probably too long to list everything here) to help a
bereaved family. I'm so sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))


--
-Lisa
Due September 2005
Mom to Aaron & Nicholas born 7/25/04
Mom to Mariam Averi, born sleeping 9/10/03
http://www.memoriesofmariam.com



  #3  
Old March 9th 05, 05:53 PM
Jamie Clark
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I think the teddy, card and tulips are a lovely gift. I think the funeral
would be the perfect time, or just afterwards when you get home, to show
your sister the booklet you've made. I mean, that's what funerals are
about -- remembering the loved one. What a lovely thing to do. I think you
are doing everything right.

Hugs.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- Little Miss Manners, who says, "No skank you" and
"Tank you very much, momma."
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Prodigy, who can now roll over, and pull
herself to standing while holding onto someone's fingers!

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
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Password

"Welches" wrote in message
...
I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's
coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of
saying anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a
I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card, and
Mum's getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I
don't think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they
wish to.
All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so she
will be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot
(their suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm
taking a pink blanket.
I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they don't
forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point? I
thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when?
I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about Matthew,
and things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill
messages" we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and
see other memories of him.
We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a CD
with them on when she's here.

Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the
children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments
like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people
could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid.
Debbie




  #4  
Old March 9th 05, 06:11 PM
Michelle J. Haines
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Welches wrote:

Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the
children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments
like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people could
say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid.


The one I hated worse was, "You're so strong for getting through this."

Um, yeah, because it was a choice.

The best thing, let her talk your ear off about every single, boring,
excruciating detail if she wants, but don't ask too many questions if
she doesn't.

Michelle
Flutist
  #5  
Old March 9th 05, 07:05 PM
hbar
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I'm very sorry for your loss. When my Dad died one of his old college
friends made a booklet about their friendship with lots of photos of my
Dad, I really treasure it and it gave me lots of comfort. So I think
your idea of a booklet will really be appreciated, especially in the
future.
Helen

Welches wrote:
I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my

sister's
coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of

saying
anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a
I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card,

and Mum's
getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I

don't
think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they

wish
to.
All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so

she will
be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot

(their
suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm

taking a
pink blanket.
I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they

don't
forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point?

I
thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when?
I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about

Matthew, and
things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill

messages"
we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and see

other
memories of him.
We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a

CD
with them on when she's here.

Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about

the
children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid

comments
like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people

could
say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid.
Debbie


  #6  
Old March 9th 05, 07:11 PM
Irrational Number
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Posts: n/a
Default

"Michelle J. Haines" wrote:

The best thing, let her talk your ear off about every single, boring,
excruciating detail if she wants, but don't ask too many questions if
she doesn't.


Agreed. Let her talk as much as she wants.
The other thing is, sorry, I don't remember if
your sister has other children... If not, remind
her that she is still a mother, if the subject
comes up. (Some people think if you lose a
child, you are no longer a mother, but if you've
ever had a child for any length of time, you are
a mother.)

-- Anita --


  #7  
Old March 9th 05, 07:38 PM
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Default


Welches wrote:

Any suggestions other than the obvious:


I never know what to say. I remember reading a Chicken Soup for the
Soul where someone was in a coma and dying, and a visitor came to the
hospital while two other relatives (one of whom was the writer) were
there. The visitor didn't say a word. He came in, stood near the sick
person quietly for a few moments, as if in silent prayer. Then he
embraced the two relatives, wiped away a tear, and left. The writer
said that it was a touching moment, and that she was always grateful
that the visitor hadn't tried to trivialize their pain with mere words.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes just listening and not
saying anything at all can be exactly the right thing to say.

Trust yourself. You'll be ok.

Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I'll be thinking of you and
your family.

Amy

  #8  
Old March 10th 05, 06:14 AM
Kelly
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Default

Debbie
It sounds like you are doing everything right. Try not to worry about what
to say/not to say-that will bring on discomfort and awkwardness with
yourself. You can always just listen and be present. Hugs to you.

Kelly

"Welches" wrote in message
...
I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's
coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of
saying anything tactless or insensitive. My thoughts at the moment a
I have a small (cherished teddy) ornament to give them and a card, and
Mum's getting a pot of tulips for me to give (I'm going up by train so I
don't think I can carry it) so they can choose to plant them later if they
wish to.
All the clothes I'm taking for #2 will be girlie and not babyish so she
will be less of a reminder. She's also meant to be sleeping in his cot
(their suggestion, if it's a problem then she'll cosleep with me) so I'm
taking a pink blanket.
I have done a little booklet for the children, about Matthew so they don't
forget him. I would like to show/give one to my sister at some point? I
thought probably not at the funeral, any suggestions when?
I am going to do a little diary of the messages mum sent about Matthew,
and things that are to do with his life, plus recording the "goodwill
messages" we've got. I thought that later she might like to look at it and
see other memories of him.
We also have 3 pictures of him on the computer. I will offer to cut a CD
with them on when she's here.

Any suggestions other than the obvious: i.e. not complaining about the
children(-or saying how wonderful they are!!) not making stupid comments
like "all for the best, or you'll have another". Anything that people
could say was particularly helpful-or unhelpful to avoid.
Debbie




  #9  
Old March 10th 05, 06:58 PM
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Default

a visitor came to the hospital while two other relatives (one of
whom was the writer) were there. The visitor didn't say a word.
He came in, stood near the sick person quietly for a few moments,
as if in silent prayer. Then he embraced the two relatives,
wiped away a tear, and left.


yes. that's really an excellent example of something they taught at
my seminary: "don't just do something, stand there."

--
Vicki. Married DH May, 1995. Ima shel Stubborn, born 11/99;
Chatty, born 5/02, and Snuggly, born 9/8/04.
Pregnant, breastfeeding or both since February 1999.

  #10  
Old March 10th 05, 09:51 PM
Ilse Witch
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On Wed, 09 Mar 2005 15:56:15 +0000, Welches wrote:

I'm going up to my nephew's funeral tomorrow, and next week my sister's
coming back to stay with me. I'm having to take #2, and I'm scared of saying
anything tactless or insensitive.


Having dealt a lot with my friend who recently had a stillborn daughter,
the first and foremost thing for you to do is be honest. If you don't know
what to say, go up to your sister and tell her exactly that. Do not be
afraid to say stupid things, you're her sister. Be open about your own
feelings, towards her and towards others. Hiding will only make it worse.

If she is not much of a talker, be gentle with her. Don't force her to
talk about things she may not want to address right now. Listen to her
when she talks, just listen and let her know you care. Simply be there.

It is hard to find a balance between your everyday life and her (and your
own!) grief. One should never completely obscure the other, but the
balance will shift every day. Take every day as it comes. If you want,
plan one outdoor activity every day. Simple things, like shopping, going
for a 10 minute walk, going out for dinner or rent a movie. Just to keep
the minimum activities of a normal life going. The rest of the day, just
let your sister do whatever she feels like. She will need a lot of time.

I think you are already doing many wonderful things and your sister will
be grateful for them no matter how, where or when you give them to her.
Matthew will always be a part of your entire family, and the more everyone
acknowledges him, the easier it will be for everybody to come to terms
with his passing.

(((((Debbie & family))))) you are in my thoughts!

--
-- I
mommy to DS (July '02)
mommy to four tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04, 20 May'04 & 28 Oct'04)
preggers with twins EDD August'05
guardian of DH (33)




 




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