Need advice on possible move, closer to ex

As you have probably noticed, after 8 years, I am all but worn out of
the injustices on CS.

Currently, I support my son FULLY, thanks to the idiots at the CSE
office and the ex. My son is 5 1/2 and has speech delays, and we can
no longer afford to pay for doctors, etc...where we live as most do
not even take my private insurance. With that said, the plan is to
possibly move back where my parents are, as they are the ones who
always help us out, not just financially, but emotionally as
well...especially with our son.

The problem is that we have been away for 2 1/2 years without having
to deal with the constant stress of every other weekend and the crazy
ex. I gave up too much while living in the same state, by constantly
having to take care of our home expenses, so that my husband had a
place to live...otherwise, he could barely afford his CS without
having to work over 80 hours a week.
I am NOT looking forward to the stress that the ex and daughter caused
us continuosly while we were there...must less now, where our son's
doctors have told us that what he needs most is peace...he has ADHD
and some Autism symptoms as well, in addition to his speech delay.

While we were in the same state, every other weekend was a
nightmare...if it wasn't the daughter getting in the car and asking
for extra money for her vacation with her mom, and the constant calls
from the mom to insult my husband when he said no...it was the
daughter asking for a new computer because her mom told her we had
more money...Basically, since the day I moved in with my husband mom
and daughter continuosly asked for more...every time we took a
vacation (mind you, paid by me or that my husband won through work),
they asked for more...when we moved from one house to an apartment,
they asked for more...called and harrassed us if we didn't give
more...when our son was born, again they asked for more and ex
threatened to take him to court every single month, unless he didn't
do as she wanted. To the point that even though I had a very good
relationship with the daughter, as I met her when she was only 4, when
my ex began to stand up to the ex, the daughter began telling my
husband and his family that she was "afraid" of me...this to say the
least, caused many family problems. I just know that I can no longer
put up with this...I couldn't get a gift without the daughter going
back to her mother and her mother coming to ask for more with the
excuse that if I had XYZ, then he should be able to also do for his
daughter...mind you, again, I made over 50K a year and my husband
barely made 25K a year and paid about 6K in CS...

Now the possibility of having to deal with all this again is making me
crazy. I don't even want to see his daughter, I don't want her
anywhere near me or my house or apartment, much less my son. I know
it sounds horrible, but dealing with her garbage every other weekend
and then on top her mother, I am worn out.

I have basically told my husband that I am pretty certain that we will
end up divorced after we arrive, because I will not be able to put up
with the stress or the lies anymore...not just for me, but because my
ONLY priority at this point is our son, who basically has a dead broke
mother now thanks to the ex, the CSE office and the lies of the
daughter...I will no longer tolerate it.

I have told my husband that he is welcome to go see his daughter, but
I do not want her in my home...even though he understands and is fully
aware of why, and actually, agrees that she caused many problems
between us, he also tells me that if that happens, the ex will just
find another excuse to harrass us and take him to court for not
visiting his daughter. That in itself amazes me, since when the ex
moved and didn't give him any contact for them, he searched for almost
a month and neither the CSE office nor the police department did
anything at all about him not having contact with her...

I know some of you will scream and tell me to suck it up and be an
adult, and others might understand...but the bottom line is that the
constant harrasment and BS from both of them is NOT good for our son,
and this has been stated over and over again by his doctors.

What should I do? How should we handle? Should I just allow them to
run our lives and let my son suffer the stress from the BS, constant
harrassment and everything else from them? Please help...

I am somewhat in the same boat, my husband is always being harrassed by
his ex and his 2 kids, ages 12 and 14.

What it boils down to, is if your husband is going to take care of
business or not. This is all up to him. He should put his foot down and
let his ex know what the deal is. If the ex persists, and she will, then
he should envolve social services.

Tell him to get a cell phone if he doesn't already have one, change your
home no. to a private one and only give her the cell phone no. If she
starts in on him, he should calmly say "I refuse to deal with you until
you decide to act like an adult, if you don't care any more for our
daughter than to hurt her by envolving her in what should be our
business then I have nothing to say to you" then hang up.
If the daughter starts in "mom says you have more money and I need
things" He says to the daughter " what goes on between me and mom is
between me and mom, it's between adults so in the future, do not ask me
about anything that mom wants to know, if mom wants to know, she can ask
me because I will not discuss it with you"

My husband had to do this, his then 10 yr old would come over saying
"mom said blah blah blah" and I had to MAKE him take care of business,
now the hag ex doesn't bother us as much, she sees he means business,
even tho it's really me staying on his heels.

You, me and other 2nd wives have it tough, it's a do or die situation
and my heart goes out to you. You have only 3 choices..leave your
husband, stay and be his backbone or deal with the ex for the next so
many years being miserable while you pull your hair out.

My ex husband, we were married 21 yrs. his boys were 2 and 4 when we
married, he ruled the roost, he didn't take anything from his ex, if she
pushed, he got a bulldozer! If she had the boys ask us for more money,
he would take part of the child support and pay her later {heheheh} It
didn't take long to shut her up and make her really think before she ran
her mouth. Point blank, people treat you the way you let them treat you.

As for moving, I guess I would do what is needed, and if you do move
near his ex, don't take no crap! Make your husband do what he should do.
If he isn't willing, you'd be better off, and so would your son

My email is open to you any time.

On May 7, 5:05 pm, (Laura) wrote:
I am somewhat in the same boat, my husband is always being harrassed by
his ex and his 2 kids, ages 12 and 14.

What it boils down to, is if your husband is going to take care of
business or not. This is all up to him. He should put his foot down and
let his ex know what the deal is. If the ex persists, and she will, then
he should envolve social services.

Tell him to get a cell phone if he doesn't already have one, change your
home no. to a private one and only give her the cell phone no. If she
starts in on him, he should calmly say "I refuse to deal with you until
you decide to act like an adult, if you don't care any more for our
daughter than to hurt her by envolving her in what should be our
business then I have nothing to say to you" then hang up.
If the daughter starts in "mom says you have more money and I need
things" He says to the daughter " what goes on between me and mom is
between me and mom, it's between adults so in the future, do not ask me
about anything that mom wants to know, if mom wants to know, she can ask
me because I will not discuss it with you"

My husband had to do this, his then 10 yr old would come over saying
"mom said blah blah blah" and I had to MAKE him take care of business,
now the hag ex doesn't bother us as much, she sees he means business,
even tho it's really me staying on his heels.

You, me and other 2nd wives have it tough, it's a do or die situation
and my heart goes out to you. You have only 3 choices..leave your
husband, stay and be his backbone or deal with the ex for the next so
many years being miserable while you pull your hair out.

My ex husband, we were married 21 yrs. his boys were 2 and 4 when we
married, he ruled the roost, he didn't take anything from his ex, if she
pushed, he got a bulldozer! If she had the boys ask us for more money,
he would take part of the child support and pay her later {heheheh} It
didn't take long to shut her up and make her really think before she ran
her mouth. Point blank, people treat you the way you let them treat you.

As for moving, I guess I would do what is needed, and if you do move
near his ex, don't take no crap! Make your husband do what he should do.
If he isn't willing, you'd be better off, and so would your son

My email is open to you any time.

Thanks for your response. My husband says it will never be like it
was,
as he has now seen that the only ones hurt have truly been me and my
son,
while the other two just go about their business getting nicer things
every day...
and making everyone believe that we're the bad ones...But I guess I am
just
worried sick, as I went through it for too many years and no matter
what I said before,
it always came down to "poor daughter, poor whatever"...my daughter is
first, blah...
which of course, is understandable if I was being the evil one, but it
wasn't the case.

How unreasonable am I being by stating that he can see her, but that I
will
not have her in my home until I am comfortable that she's not going to
start
trouble like she did before? I've told him that he needs to give me
some time to
feel at ease again and that maybe someday, if I see that they are
being reasonable,
I will again let them into my home...but now they will have to prove
to me that
they can be reasonable BEFORE I allow them in my home.

How old is the daughter, I'm guessing 12, 13? Even that young she
understands things, if you move near the ex and step daughter, here's
what I would do if I was you...I would allow the daughter to visit again
in your home, see how things go, after all it has been 2 1/2 yrs. kids
change so much in that length of time. Have a family meeting, you, your
husband and the daughter. Explain that she is welcomed in your home, say
something nice about how much of a young lady she is turning out to be,
always be positive if at all possible.

The first time she brings up that mom wants more money, etc, etc. Have a
family meeting, make sure your husband does 98% of the talking, it will
have a better effect. He should tell her "Megan {I just chose that name}
Megan, I understand mom tells you to ask me things concerning money, but
that is between me and your mom, if she wants to know something or has a
question, she needs to be the one to ask me, not you, ok?" smile and be
positive!

It will probably happen again, and if "Megan" brings it up again, I
would remind her of the talk and that he refuses to talk business with
her as that's between he and her mom. If she still continues then I
would tell her in a more stern voice and a real serious look..." Megan,
you're not a baby, do not ask me anything to do with money, understand?"
The first time she even brings up "mom wants more money or I
need"...your husband needs to call his ex and explain that the CS he
pays is his half of whatever she needs. If the ex wants to act stupid
hang up the phone, she'll get dang tired of it and probably attempt to
be reasonable.

Don't go thru b.s. for years, it simply isn't worth it, no man is worth
that either. If he won't make his ex leave his present family alone,
then he isn't much of a man in my opinion. I know some exes can be slugs
from hell, but it is still your husbands responsibility to see his ex
keeps her place. It won't be easy, never will be until CS is over and
done with, and remember, CS ain't forever!!! ))

On May 7, 6:46 pm, (Laura) wrote:
How old is the daughter, I'm guessing 12, 13? Even that young she
understands things, if you move near the ex and step daughter, here's
what I would do if I was you...I would allow the daughter to visit again
in your home, see how things go, after all it has been 2 1/2 yrs. kids
change so much in that length of time. Have a family meeting, you, your
husband and the daughter. Explain that she is welcomed in your home, say
something nice about how much of a young lady she is turning out to be,
always be positive if at all possible.

The first time she brings up that mom wants more money, etc, etc. Have a
family meeting, make sure your husband does 98% of the talking, it will
have a better effect. He should tell her "Megan {I just chose that name}
Megan, I understand mom tells you to ask me things concerning money, but
that is between me and your mom, if she wants to know something or has a
question, she needs to be the one to ask me, not you, ok?" smile and be
positive!

It will probably happen again, and if "Megan" brings it up again, I
would remind her of the talk and that he refuses to talk business with
her as that's between he and her mom. If she still continues then I
would tell her in a more stern voice and a real serious look..." Megan,
you're not a baby, do not ask me anything to do with money, understand?"
The first time she even brings up "mom wants more money or I
need"...your husband needs to call his ex and explain that the CS he
pays is his half of whatever she needs. If the ex wants to act stupid
hang up the phone, she'll get dang tired of it and probably attempt to
be reasonable.

Don't go thru b.s. for years, it simply isn't worth it, no man is worth
that either. If he won't make his ex leave his present family alone,
then he isn't much of a man in my opinion. I know some exes can be slugs
from hell, but it is still your husbands responsibility to see his ex
keeps her place. It won't be easy, never will be until CS is over and
done with, and remember, CS ain't forever!!! ))

Thanks so very much for your advice...I truly appreciate it.

Laura's advice is excellent.

I only have a few points to add. I am worried about your husband's and
your guilt or concern about being sufficiently firm with "Megan."

If he caves this will absolutely fail.

Also while I think it says a lot about how much you want to do the
right thing, I'm a little worried (though less so than about your
husband) about you caving on some of this as well.

Of course you want to have an open and loving relationship with
"Megan." But as you said quite elegantly in your post, if what you
went through before starts again you'll come apart. (I would too
btw.)

Your first concern is to your son, secondly to your marriage.

Sometimes when I'm not entirely sure what to do I think about what
advice I'd give a close friend if they were in my situation.

Good luck. Just please don't let your son's life, your life and your
marriage be controlled and made to suffer because of a confused
adolescent.

Don

On May 8, 11:09 am, wrote:
Laura's advice is excellent.

I only have a few points to add. I am worried about your husband's and
your guilt or concern about being sufficiently firm with "Megan."

If he caves this will absolutely fail.

Also while I think it says a lot about how much you want to do the
right thing, I'm a little worried (though less so than about your
husband) about you caving on some of this as well.

Of course you want to have an open and loving relationship with
"Megan." But as you said quite elegantly in your post, if what you
went through before starts again you'll come apart. (I would too
btw.)

Your first concern is to your son, secondly to your marriage.

Sometimes when I'm not entirely sure what to do I think about what
advice I'd give a close friend if they were in my situation.

Good luck. Just please don't let your son's life, your life and your
marriage be controlled and made to suffer because of a confused
adolescent.

Don

Don,

Thanks for your advice as well. Yes, I have a constant "tug of war"
in my mind
and heart with what to do...trying to do the right thing, more than
anything to
not hurt my husband's feelings...and at the same time, trying to set
limits
so that this does not happen and I protect my son. From the day my
son was born I had so much stress from them...4 days after my son was
born
the ex complained and my husband had to make an almost 3 hours round
trip
to pick up his daughter...We only had one car and I was alone worried
sick,
as well as worn out with a newborn...The daughter (by the way, my in
mother
in law was also in our house) complained even about a nightlight that
I had
put in my son's room and she wanted it in her room, even though my
mother
in law (her grandmother) and sister in law were in the room with
her...the
entire weekend I had the daughter complain that I had not fed
her...then
my MIL questioning me about what I normally feed her...the entire
weekend
and many weeks later, I was a wreck...constantly being worn out from
staying
up all night and then having MIL, SIL and husband's daughter and ex
questioning
what I did all the time and comparing the time I spent with my son
with the daughter...
Honestly, I can say that I barely remember holding my son during those
first few
weeks, as all I did was hold him in his room, feed him and cry...5 1/2
years later,
I feel like I missed out on enjoying my first born those first few
months, because
of the stress the ex, the daughter, the MIL and SIL caused...all
because ex and
daughter would go and lie to MIL and SIL...So my memories of that
wonderful
time are only those of my crying while holding my baby...After about a
month,
I gave up and completely disengaged so that I could finally take care
of my son
without having them step all over me...then of course, they complained
even
more and made my life even worse...I will NO LONGER allow them to run
my life,
much less stress me out to the point that my son suffers again.

When doctors tell me about possible stress that my son has had to deal
with
and how that might have affected him emotionally, psychologically,
etc...it tears
me up to think that so much of this was because I was a wreck thanks
to these
worthless people...and I will no longer allow any stress in my life
which will
affect my son because of them...if that means that I tell them all to
take a hike,
then that's what I will do.

My husband is a great husband...he truly is...and I do believe he's
grown up
and accepted the fact that he can no longer allow them to run our
lives and probably
feels just as bad when he hears the kiddo's doctors talk about
possible stress
in the kiddo's life early on...So I pray that he truly does get it
this time.

By the way, I have no concern with being firm with her. I have told
my husband
that by not being that way, he's contributing to create a person who
is so selfish,
that she'll have no friends...I think he gets it now...we'll see.

Thanks so much for your advice again and support.

"whatamess" wrote
................
By the way, I have no concern with being firm with her. I have told
my husband
that by not being that way, he's contributing to create a person who
is so selfish,
that she'll have no friends...I think he gets it now...we'll see.

Thanks so much for your advice again and support.
==
Have you posted to the step-parenting newsgroup? Perhaps they could provide
more
advice and support long-term.

On May 8, 3:07 pm, "Gini" wrote:
"whatamess" wrote
............... By the way, I have no concern with being firm with her. I have told
my husband
that by not being that way, he's contributing to create a person who
is so selfish,
that she'll have no friends...I think he gets it now...we'll see.

Thanks so much for your advice again and support.

==
Have you posted to the step-parenting newsgroup? Perhaps they could provide
more
advice and support long-term.

no, but will check into it...thank you.