I know I'm being a paranoid mom, but would this cause offense?

"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...
BIL & SIL will be visiting soon and want to take DD during the day
while here. I said sure. However, they're staying in a hotel, with
sliding doors that open onto a patio that leads to a pool - no other
fencing between the sliding door and the pool. I know *they* would be
careful, however they have 2 boys, 4 &7 who are not so mindful of
things. They're kids. DD doesn't walk yet, but she scoots and does so
really fast. now, if she was walking or even crawling I think it'd be
more obvious, but her ability to move is misleading - she's a lot
faster than you'd think.

I can't see how saying "she's faster than you'd expect" whould cause
offence. It wouldn't worry me if someone said that to me. You could say
something like "she's really quick, particularly if she sees an open door".
ie please don't leave the door open...
#2 used to make dashes for any open door or stairs and I would mention it to
people if she was staying and no one seemed to mind.
Debbie

"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...
On Jul 1, 8:36 am, Banty wrote:
Maybe a way around this would be "no no, WE'D love to take YOUR BOYS for
the
day! No, don't mention it, we'd love it" :-) Or, take the day(s) off
make
plans for mutual outings while they're here.

hahaha. I should say, we HAVE offered that in the past, esp when they
visited here last time we said "Take one night for dinner by
yourselves, we'll take care of the kids" (they also have a 12 yo
daughter). They said NO WAY. Absolutely not. Now, they argue they
don't want to put us out. No matter how much we insist it's not
putting us out, they've refused. Even offers to help by holding a
screaming kid, who was screaming more and more because both mom and
dad were super stressed were strongly turned down....


Then I'm even more mystified why they are insistent on taking your DD. They
wouldn't let others care for their kids, even family in their presence, so
they ought to understand if you refuse, even without an explanation as it is
exactly what they have done in the past with very similar situations.
Erika's suggestions are very well put, I'd be in the camp of, thank you but
no.

-Aula

On Jul 1, 12:20 pm, "Aula" wrote:
"cjra" wrote in message

oups.com...



On Jul 1, 8:36 am, Banty wrote:
Maybe a way around this would be "no no, WE'D love to take YOUR BOYS for
the
day! No, don't mention it, we'd love it" :-) Or, take the day(s) off
make
plans for mutual outings while they're here.

hahaha. I should say, we HAVE offered that in the past, esp when they
visited here last time we said "Take one night for dinner by
yourselves, we'll take care of the kids" (they also have a 12 yo
daughter). They said NO WAY. Absolutely not. Now, they argue they
don't want to put us out. No matter how much we insist it's not
putting us out, they've refused. Even offers to help by holding a
screaming kid, who was screaming more and more because both mom and
dad were super stressed were strongly turned down....

Then I'm even more mystified why they are insistent on taking your DD. They
wouldn't let others care for their kids, even family in their presence, so
they ought to understand if you refuse, even without an explanation as it is
exactly what they have done in the past with very similar situations.
Erika's suggestions are very well put, I'd be in the camp of, thank you but
no.

-Aula

I think it's because they might not have wanted to go out alone when
visiting, but would have preferred to spend time with family -- hence,
their refusal. I didn't real their refusal as not trusting cjra, but
as not being interested in what was being offered. Their interest, as
I see it, is to get to know children that they rarely see. The
screaming kid offer I chalk up to my own behavior, which is that when
I'm wildly stressed, the last thing I want is for someone to start
making suggestions -- I just need to calm down mentally.

My distant relatives sound somewhat similar to cjra's (or maybe it's
that they, too, would arrive for these 2 week vacations at completely
awful times).

Caledonia

Now, piecing together the story:

1) You are worried your daughter will escape your husband's relatives hotel
room and end up in the hotel pool.
2) Your husband says his sibling and spouse will be insulted if you point
out to them they need to take more care in watching your child than you
think they are going to be doing.
3) You can't offer them your house because it's not child proof for anyone
but you watching your child there.
4) Oh, and by the way, they have an older daughter that will most likely be
watching only your child, even if they do get distracted by their sons.

You don't know these relatives very well. I'm betting your husband knows
them better. I'm certain he knows them better than we do. If he says they
are going to take offense I'd believe him.

So now it's down to, do you want to offend them anyway or not. Given the
language limitations, I really don't see how you can finesse this one.

Personally, if I were so worried for my daughters safety that I was willing
to offend relatives that have come across an ocean to see her, well, I
wouldn't even consider leaving her with them. I'd leave the visiting to
when I was available. If you trust them to watch her, you trust them to
watch her. Possibly insulting them and then leaving her with them seems
rather counterproductive.

"Caledonia" wrote in message
oups.com...
I think it's because they might not have wanted to go out alone when
visiting, but would have preferred to spend time with family -- hence,
their refusal. I didn't real their refusal as not trusting cjra, but
as not being interested in what was being offered. Their interest, as
I see it, is to get to know children that they rarely see. The
screaming kid offer I chalk up to my own behavior, which is that when
I'm wildly stressed, the last thing I want is for someone to start
making suggestions -- I just need to calm down mentally.

My distant relatives sound somewhat similar to cjra's (or maybe it's
that they, too, would arrive for these 2 week vacations at completely
awful times).



You may be right. One of the great things about chatting on usenet is the
wide range of experiences and opinions and she sure is getting a good dose
of all. In my experience, I was the one living at a major distance from
family [Florida to Vermont/New England] while DS was younger. Visiting was
rare due to expense and they always stayed with us or we with them, so the
question never arose. I will be interested to see how the OP decides to
proceed and what the outcomes are. Personally, I hope that no matter what
the decision is, they have a marvelous time with their guests.

-Aula

cjra wrote:
[snip]
On the plus side, BIL & SIL also have a 12 yr old daughter who is not
likely to let DD out of her arms, let alone her sight, so it may all
be moot. (Similarly, my sister's 15 yo daughter will do the same when
she is here) There's just this nagging feeling in my stomach, worrying
about the one moment the 12 yo may NOT have her....

I was going to suggest that you talked to the younger boys about this,
but the 12yo is your ally. Tell her how important it is that the baby
stays inside, and she will probably keep the boys in check.

FWIW, why don't you get BIL and SIL to look after the baby at your house?

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

On Jul 1, 12:18?am, cjra wrote:
BIL & SIL will be visiting soon and want to take DD during the day
while here. I said sure. However, they're staying in a hotel, with
sliding doors that open onto a patio that leads to a pool - no other
fencing between the sliding door and the pool. I know *they* would be
careful, however they have 2 boys, 4 &7 who are not so mindful of
things. They're kids. DD doesn't walk yet, but she scoots and does so
really fast. now, if she was walking or even crawling I think it'd be
more obvious, but her ability to move is misleading - she's a lot
faster than you'd think.

I am terrified one of the boys will leave the door open, DD will scoot
out and be out by the pool (god forbid IN the pool) before they
realize it, esp if mom or dad are slightly distracted by the boys. I
asked DH to mention to them how quick she is, and to really be mindful
of that door because she's so quick. He said that would **** them off
and they'd say forget it and not keep her for the day, because I don't
trust them; that they raised kids, they know what they're doing. True,
except they didn't have 2 boys who are big enough to open a sliding
door and they don't have a pool at home with another almost toddler
about. BIL & SIL are both very conscientious, but also have a tendency
to get distracted by the boys, and if it wasn't for the pool I would
have no qualms about it.

I am super anal about pool safety, having grown up with a pool and a
father who drilled it into us. Our pool had a high fence and gate and
we were under strict guidelines about when/how it could be used.

With my own siblings, I could say that. They might roll their eyes at
my paranoia, but I'd still say it. However they also are all super
anal about pool safety.

So, if your brother was to say "Just be extra cautious with that door
given the pool is there, as she's really fast and the boys might not
be so careful...." would you be offended?

I do realize I'm being paranoid - I love the water and I want DD to
have a healthy respect for it. So I'm not anti-pool, I just fear
people who haven't had as much exposure to pools in such a setting
might not be so aware (that said, BIL is a swimmer, it's not like he
has no knowledge of pools, but there's a big difference from a highly
controlled environment like an athletic club pool and a pool in a home
setting).

I wouldn't be offended, and it is okay that you are worried about it.
You could just say that you would be okay with them taking the baby
for the day if they use this baby gate you are handing to them at the
same time. lol. I would probably put the gate up myself. lol. Chances
are baby would be too interested in all of the new things to see and
touch over there to go for the doors, but there is no such thing as
"too" careful when it comes to pools and children IMO.

On Jul 1, 2:55 pm, "Aula" wrote:
"Caledonia" wrote in message

oups.com...

I think it's because they might not have wanted to go out alone when
visiting, but would have preferred to spend time with family -- hence,
their refusal. I didn't real their refusal as not trusting cjra, but
as not being interested in what was being offered. Their interest, as
I see it, is to get to know children that they rarely see.

Probably, however there was another instance when we offered to take
the kids to a party (effectively our 'rehersal dinner' except it
wasn't that formalized - all my family was here) and they said no.
They didn't want to come because they were tired and are not
comfortable with large parties (and the wedding the next afternoon was
enough for them), but the kids did. We managed to convince them to let
us bring the older one (then 9 yo) but not the older boy, even though
there would be many other kids around for him to play with.

I don't think it's a lack of trust though, I think they just really
feel that they're putting someone out by asking them to watch their
kids.

The
screaming kid offer I chalk up to my own behavior, which is that when
I'm wildly stressed, the last thing I want is for someone to start
making suggestions -- I just need to calm down mentally.

Yes and no. IME, the stressed out parent only makes the kid more
stressed... it was during dinner and they couldn't eat because he was
having a minor meltdown. Actually, it was just normal fussiness at
first, but the parents started having a meltdown so the kid did. To be
fair, it was their first full day here and jet lag was an issue.

However the same has been true when we've visited them.

My distant relatives sound somewhat similar to cjra's (or maybe it's
that they, too, would arrive for these 2 week vacations at completely
awful times).

You may be right. One of the great things about chatting on usenet is the
wide range of experiences and opinions and she sure is getting a good dose
of all. In my experience, I was the one living at a major distance from
family [Florida to Vermont/New England] while DS was younger. Visiting was
rare due to expense and they always stayed with us or we with them, so the
question never arose.

Actually, this is weird for me - to have family stay in hotel. In my
family we always stay with each other. When we go to CH we always stay
with FIL. But BIL & SIL are really particular about things - they'd
not be able to handle our house (too noisy for one, among other
things), so this is just as well. We did offer for them to stay with
us, but they said no.

I will be interested to see how the OP decides to
proceed and what the outcomes are. Personally, I hope that no matter what
the decision is, they have a marvelous time with their guests.

I've got another couple of weeks, but I think I will ask DH to just
phrase it in the vein of 'DW is being paranoid, you know how that
is....so she's worried about DD and the pool...blah blah blah."

On Jul 1, 12:29 pm, "Cathy Kearns" wrote:
Now, piecing together the story:

1) You are worried your daughter will escape your husband's relatives hotel
room and end up in the hotel pool.
2) Your husband says his sibling and spouse will be insulted if you point
out to them they need to take more care in watching your child than you
think they are going to be doing.
3) You can't offer them your house because it's not child proof for anyone
but you watching your child there.

Actually, they could, I'd just have to make a lot of explanations -
we've got a room which is open access that is full of dangerous
things. We're figuring out now how to block it off. Problem is, our
house is boring....I actually wouldn't mind if they wanted to take her
out somewhere. And I really don't mind them staying at the hotel with
the pool, I just want to make sure they recognise how likely it is DD
would escape.

4) Oh, and by the way, they have an older daughter that will most likely be
watching only your child, even if they do get distracted by their sons.

You don't know these relatives very well. I'm betting your husband knows
them better. I'm certain he knows them better than we do. If he says they
are going to take offense I'd believe him.

So now it's down to, do you want to offend them anyway or not. Given the
language limitations, I really don't see how you can finesse this one.

Personally, if I were so worried for my daughters safety that I was willing
to offend relatives that have come across an ocean to see her, well, I
wouldn't even consider leaving her with them. I'd leave the visiting to
when I was available. If you trust them to watch her, you trust them to
watch her. Possibly insulting them and then leaving her with them seems
rather counterproductive.

On Jul 1, 3:04 pm, Penny Gaines wrote:
cjra wrote:

[snip]

On the plus side, BIL & SIL also have a 12 yr old daughter who is not
likely to let DD out of her arms, let alone her sight, so it may all
be moot. (Similarly, my sister's 15 yo daughter will do the same when
she is here) There's just this nagging feeling in my stomach, worrying
about the one moment the 12 yo may NOT have her....

I was going to suggest that you talked to the younger boys about this,
but the 12yo is your ally. Tell her how important it is that the baby
stays inside, and she will probably keep the boys in check.

FWIW, why don't you get BIL and SIL to look after the baby at your house?

They could, although there's not a lot for their kids to do at our
house - esp in summer in Texas when it's over 38C. And then I'd have
to go over even more things, because our house really isn't child
proof. We just don't leave her alone anywhere...