Bullies at a birthday party

Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Vickie

In article .com, Vickie
says...

Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Oh good grief.

Do what you would do if you were invited to a small gathering, and you couldn't
stand two of the other invitees.

Make a vague, etiquette-demanding excuse about other things keeping him away and
previous plans (perfectly good previous plan: a night wihtout being bullied
doing something, anything *else* - keep it in mind; it's not a lie; you don't
have to specify) and DON'T make him GO.

SIL shouldn't be all over your family's calendar to know any different.

This isn't hard. It's just that we can't seem to respect our kids' social needs
to say "no" sometimes.

Banty

On Thu, 05 Jul 2007 10:38:33 -0700, Vickie wrote:


It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys.

I do not think this is normal for 11 year old boys.


The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending.

I don't think it's awkward. In fact, it is much easier. Since it is
family, you can tell them the reason your son won't attend.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?

Yes, if he happens to encounter the bullies on the street, but why go out
of his way to socialize with them and put himself in a situation where he
will be bullied?

Personally, I think bullies are not worth the trouble.

Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?


I think he is old enough to decide whether or not he wants to go. I think
he is wise to not want to be with a group of kids who will gang up on him.
You don't have to make excuses. You can just explain the situation.

On Jul 5, 11:01 am, toypup wrote:
On Thu, 05 Jul 2007 10:38:33 -0700, Vickie wrote:
It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys.

I do not think this is normal for 11 year old boys.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending.

I don't think it's awkward. In fact, it is much easier. Since it is
family, you can tell them the reason your son won't attend.



So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?

Yes, if he happens to encounter the bullies on the street, but why go out
of his way to socialize with them and put himself in a situation where he
will be bullied?

Personally, I think bullies are not worth the trouble.

Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

I think he is old enough to decide whether or not he wants to go. I think
he is wise to not want to be with a group of kids who will gang up on him.
You don't have to make excuses. You can just explain the situation.

Many thanks. Sounds good. Will go have a convo with BIL today. I
really don't think he wants to go. And my thought was why put him
through it.

Vickie

On Jul 5, 10:54 am, Banty wrote:
In article .com, Vickie
says...







Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Oh good grief.

Do what you would do if you were invited to a small gathering, and you couldn't
stand two of the other invitees.

Make a vague, etiquette-demanding excuse about other things keeping him away and
previous plans (perfectly good previous plan: a night wihtout being bullied
doing something, anything *else* - keep it in mind; it's not a lie; you don't
have to specify) and DON'T make him GO.

SIL shouldn't be all over your family's calendar to know any different.

This isn't hard. It's just that we can't seem to respect our kids' social needs
to say "no" sometimes.

Banty- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Alright, alright. Don't be condescending.

They do live 4 houses down. I really don't want to make an excuse.

Fine-- it is not hard. I do want to respect my kid's social needs.
With the family thing thrown in the mix - I was having trouble
deciding.

Vickie

On Jul 5, 11:17 am, Vickie wrote:
On Jul 5, 10:54 am, Banty wrote:





In article .com, Vickie
says...

Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Oh good grief.

Do what you would do if you were invited to a small gathering, and you couldn't
stand two of the other invitees.

Make a vague, etiquette-demanding excuse about other things keeping him away and
previous plans (perfectly good previous plan: a night wihtout being bullied
doing something, anything *else* - keep it in mind; it's not a lie; you don't
have to specify) and DON'T make him GO.

SIL shouldn't be all over your family's calendar to know any different.

This isn't hard. It's just that we can't seem to respect our kids' social needs
to say "no" sometimes.

Banty- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Alright, alright. Don't be condescending.

They do live 4 houses down. I really don't want to make an excuse.

Fine-- it is not hard. I do want to respect my kid's social needs.
With the family thing thrown in the mix - I was having trouble
deciding.

Vickie- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

i realize that the action has already been completed, but as a teenage
boy myself, i'm not entirely sure that of the fairly options, this was
entirely the best. Any mother would consider her son's feelings
first, and you clearly care about your son a great deal. The thing
is, I was an 11 year old boy only 6 years ago, so I remember that
time, and it IS very common for that age group. It's an awkward time
in every 11 year old boy's life; however, some boys are only slightly
more charismatic. These charismatic boys are able to draw others to
them - they are "cool." Look, they will grow up and just be normal
boys, they won't be bullies all their lives. The thing is, the best
way to deal with a bully at the 11 year old boy age group is to hang
out with the bully. Make him your friend. They may be mean for a
while, but if your son jokes around with them and shows them that he
is just another kid, they will accept him into the group. I would
advise him to try and play with these guys, because they could be his
good friends in just 3 or 4 years, when he will reach probably the
most awkward stage of his entire life, but where the bullying stage
has pretty much stopped (I'm in high school now, and bullying is a
thing of the past. I was especially awkward: i had chubby cheeks, I
wasn't good at sports or talking to the cute girls with the pig tails.
Once i got into high school I filled out a little bit, and honestly?
In high school, bullyign pretty much just stops). That is my advice -
have him do what he can to get those bullies on his side. I hope your
son finds a way to alleviate his bullying situation

Vickie wrote:
Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.

So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

You don't need to give any excuses. Just say thank you, but
he won't be able to attend. If your SIL asks questions, you can
stand by the vague answer, or you can say something along the lines
of him preferring to celebrate with his cousin one-on-one or something
like that. I assume you're close enough with your SIL that you
can have some of these discussions without her going around the
bend. If not, stick to the vague answer.
I deal (unfortunately) with this pre-teen boy physical
crap all the time. It's not always actual bullying. Sometimes
it's just that pre-teen boy physicality combined with a little
too much impulsiveness (i.e., the normal roughhousing turns on
a dime into something more). *DON'T* just tell your son to get
in there and handle the situation. He may not yet have the social
skills and maturity to do that. *You* know how he could defuse
the situation, and *I* know what he could do, but he's not going
to be successful at it until *he* knows what to do and has the
maturity to carry it out in a tactful way. In the meantime,
he's not likely to make things better with his attempts, especially
if his heart isn't in it. You might have to do that in a situation
where attendance isn't optional, but here it is.
Also, I'm all for calling bullying bullying, but a lot of
this stuff really isn't bullying and you polarize the situation
*very* quickly using that term when it's not really bullying.
(Or maybe it is, in your situation, in which case I definitely
wouldn't send him into the situation when he doesn't want to be
there.)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Vickie wrote:
[...]
So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?
Should I let him decide what he is ready for?

I'm throwing in a vote for the latter. He's got a lifetime ahead of him
of having to decide these tricky situations, and making his own
decisions is something he's going to need practice in at this stage.

Rather than offering advice, I'd recommend offering him support.
Sympathise with his feelings and try to articulate them for him. "It's
a tough decision, isn't it? On the one hand you'd get to spend time
with your friends, but on the other I can understand that you might want
to avoid those guys." Or whatever you think is going through his head.
Then, be willing to listen to what he thinks on the subject, and hold
back from jumping in to tell him what you think he should or shouldn't do.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

On Jul 5, 12:02 pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:

You don't need to give any excuses. Just say thank you, but
he won't be able to attend. If your SIL asks questions, you can
stand by the vague answer, or you can say something along the lines
of him preferring to celebrate with his cousin one-on-one or something
like that. I assume you're close enough with your SIL that you
can have some of these discussions without her going around the
bend. If not, stick to the vague answer.
I deal (unfortunately) with this pre-teen boy physical
crap all the time. It's not always actual bullying. Sometimes
it's just that pre-teen boy physicality combined with a little
too much impulsiveness (i.e., the normal roughhousing turns on
a dime into something more). *DON'T* just tell your son to get
in there and handle the situation. He may not yet have the social
skills and maturity to do that. *You* know how he could defuse
the situation, and *I* know what he could do, but he's not going
to be successful at it until *he* knows what to do and has the
maturity to carry it out in a tactful way. In the meantime,
he's not likely to make things better with his attempts, especially
if his heart isn't in it. You might have to do that in a situation
where attendance isn't optional, but here it is.
Also, I'm all for calling bullying bullying, but a lot of
this stuff really isn't bullying and you polarize the situation
*very* quickly using that term when it's not really bullying.
(Or maybe it is, in your situation, in which case I definitely
wouldn't send him into the situation when he doesn't want to be
there.)

Good point. Not too sure I *would* classify it as bullying. I think
it is more along the lines of fighting to be alpha-male and the
differences in how to obtain that.
My son's heart isn't in it, oh he is competitive, but he doesn't stoop
to the same levels as these kids. Meaning if he has a problem with a
kid - he takes it one on one. Where these tend to band together,
which is hard for anyone to deal with. And then the weaker boys will
side with the gang - so they don't end up being the odd one out.

It is all very confusing, and I know he has to figure it out, but I
really don't want to force him to go, although I would like him to, so
he *can* find a way to deal.

Vickie

"Vickie" wrote in message
oups.com...
Hey,

My son is invited to his cousin's sleepover. Cousin lives
convieniently right down the street. He is balking on going. He gets
along well with his cousin, and a mutual close friend of our family
and theirs will be going. Someone he likes very much.

It is a couple other invitees he has problems with. They live on our
block also and my son just doesn't get on with them. My son isn't
overly sensitive, but these two are fairly *bullyish* and really like
the gang-up mentality. Sort of normal for 11 year old boys. My son
can take it pretty much, but they get pretty mean.

I wish he would go and take these 2 down a few pegs, but that is just
me. So, he is undecided if he will go. Another options I told him
was - if they start at him, to not let it get to him, tell them to
quit, and not lose his temper. Then if they don't say - I am outta
here, and come on home. I really don't know at this point which way
to advise him.

The other sticky wicket is that this is his cousin. It will be a
little awkward telling my SIL that my son won't be attending. I will
do it, of course, my son comes first. Just a crappy situation.



I would not only not insist he go, I would *tell her why.* Why hide the
fact that these two are bullies?


So, should I try to persuade him to go and stand up for himself?



No.


Should I let him decide what he is ready for? And should I mention
anything to my SIL ahead of time - like make sure you keep an eye on
so and so because they can be bullies or - just make an excuse as to
why he won't be attending (if he decides not to go)?

Vickie



Don't make him go and tell her why.