Just gotta vent!

"Hillary Israeli" wrote in message
...
In oa_Kb.87281$xX.601955@attbi_s02,
Angela Schepers wrote:

*tried to be patient but I think I'm just going to have to slap her the
*next time she does it or yell at her at the top of my lungs and just
*suffer the consequences. I just hope that's not what it takes to get my
*point across.

You don't have to slap or yell. Just grab her wrist as it approaches your
belly and say "no, PLEASE do not touch my belly!" in a loud, but not
shrill, tone of voice. Heads will turn and she will be embarrassed. If she
does it again, do the same thing, but say "HEY! I just said don't do that!
It hurts! Cut it out!" or something like that. Good luck!

I agree:

grab wrist "I have asked you to stop touching me. I am asking you again.
Stop touching me."
grab wrist again "I *said*, *STOP* touching me."
grab wrist again "MOM. (or name of your choice.) WHAT PART OF DO NOT TOUCH
ME DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND."
grab wrist again "If you attempt to touch me again, this visit is over.
And this will happen every time we are together until you respect my wishes.
One warning. And then I'm out the door."

And then do it. Every time, if necessary. After the first time you walk
away, the next time should be done without steps 1-3, explanation, or
apology.

--angela

On Wed, 07 Jan 2004 20:41:56 GMT, Angela Schepers
wrote:
I've tried flinching and
frowning at her but it doesn't make a difference. I might just have to
try slapping at her hand but I don't want to offend her too much. I
really hate hurting people's feelings. I've
tried to be patient but I think I'm just going to have to slap her the
next time she does it or yell at her at the top of my lungs and just
suffer the consequences. I just hope that's not what it takes to get my
point across.

Are you able to get your arms in the way of her hands (intercept
before she touches you)? It does sound like you have done everything
but offending her (which is what I think you will have to do). If you
are standing move away from her whenever she gets into your personal
space (again before touching you), this may mean extending your
pesonal space area for her. Also do keep up the "Please don't touch
me/my stomach".

I'm the same way - I really don't like people touching me in general,
even moreso when I'm pregnant. Thankfully most people respect my
personal space. I only had a few people touching me last time and it
was for only seconds (so dealable with).

I do wish you luck with your MIL.

Di

On Wed, 07 Jan 2004 20:41:56 GMT, Angela Schepers
wrote:

I didn't tell him why I didn't want to go to the party because I
knew he would think it was a stupid and trivial reason and would make
him even more upset at my not wanting to go.

There is a problem if you feel you need to conceal this from your
husband. Do yourself the courtesy of telling him the truth, and be
clear that you will not be visiting your mother-in-law if she continues
to violate your personal space. He's welcome to think it's a silly
complaint on your part, but his actions with his mother need to be
supportive of you, his wife.

I would escalate up to and including grabbing her hand before it reached
my stomach, after which I would stand up, excuse myself and go home.
The next visit would be delayed (and each future visit would see a wider
and wider interval until her behavior improved). If this means you and
your husband always take two cars to your MIL's home so you can leave
when you've had enough (or that you drive home and he gets a ride home
from another family member), then do that.

"Kathy Cole" wrote in the thread titled "Just gotta
vent!"
He's welcome to think it's a silly
complaint on your part, but his actions with his mother need to be
supportive of you, his wife.

I can't even go into detail. I am soooo frustrated in this pregnancy though,
I just wonder when to give up, give in, and DO something. Nothing I say
seems to matter.

My DH has been okay except, he just refuses to be 100% supportive of me, his
wife. The above comment just made me scream inside out of frustration. I
feel like when it comes to his family my DH loses all support for me. I will
not go into any specific situation, but WILL say that DH crosses boundaries
and I do not feel like we have a separate, private marriage. His family is
in our business, he volunteers all kind of info they don't need to know, and
there they are, in our business, with their opinions. They do NOT need to
know every detail of our financial life. We are not responsible for being
their hotel. I am pregnant, my husband is at work all day and voluntarily
works long hours, and 9 times out of 10 when he gets home and I am trying to
enjoy a quiet couple of hours with him before bedtime, his dad will call and
they will talk (loudly) on the phone for 1-2 hours. My husband does things
for his dad from here, on "our" time (what little time I have with him),
that he doesn't need to do. He spends hours looking up things for his dad on
the Internet that his dad can do himself, like trying to save him money on
car insurance, health insurance, etc etc etc. It drives me crazy because I
do not feel that this is my husband's responsibility and I feel that
something is wrong when my husband is so involved and spending so much time
doing stuff like this at a time in his life when he has a young marriage, a
new baby coming, a pregnant wife who he never spends time with etc.

It really is excessive and just not occasional. Also, the inlaws are never
wrong....I am always wrong.

I can't explain it, it was like this before pregnancy but seeing my husband
over time getting WORSE about this instead of more into his own family and
his own life bothers me. A few months ago we were arguing a lot and it was
taking a nasty turn. It has not been nasty like that again or I was leaving.
It has not turned to abuse or anything.

When we go visit them, my husband is so focused on them, that we are
expected to spend 100% of our time basically, doing nothing, but circling
around them. It makes me unhappy, NOT that we visit with them a lot since
that is what we are there for, but that I am made to feel like I am wrong if
I don't want them to be 100% of our priority, and maybe want us to spend
some quality time alone. I am not resentful of them and didn't even have any
bad feelings, until some comments were made etc that were offensive to me
and other behaviors.

They are not ogres...but they seem torelish being my husband's priority and
it makes me angry, it does, because I am his wife. He just won't separate
from them. I don't want him not to see them or not to talk to them daily
(they live 3 hours away) etc. I know he wants to see them every chance he
gets (so what if I don't??).....but my problem does come in when everything
is all put together like a puzzle and all this time goes by and he is so
wrapped up in them and careless of me.

Pregnancy has exacerbated this greatly!

I cry sometimes feeling like I am just not going to be able to make it
because I am happy like this. I have told him all this point blank and he
just says I am wrong, he doesn't agree with me and that's that- once he says
this he ceases to listen and will just say "Yeah. Sure. Right." when we
talk.

I could hit him! It makes me feel so bad, that he could care less as long as
his opinion is fulfilled. I am so afraid when I have the baby, it is going
to be even worse. How can I get him into counseling, he refuses to go? I
feel like if I say "Ok go to counseling or I am leaving"...he will let me
leave.

It makes me mad that I ever married him, it is humiliating to think it means
so little to him. I am so frustrated. I don't think pregnancy is a good time
to make a major life change if the situation is not abusive. He is a good
husband otherwise, except for types of disagreements we have......you'd have
to know him, to see....it's just the kind of person he is. He tends to be so
generous and accomodating to others , very excessively. He likes their
praise.

"Jill" wrote in message
r.com...

This is what I do not get about being pregnant, WHY people want to touch
you.

AAAKKK! This is a sore subject with me also! I worked as a waitress in a
coffee shop until a month ago when I had to go on disability. We had a lot
of regulars, and some of them were like family, some of them we just
tolerated because they were paying customers.
I was appalled by the sheer number of people who thought it was perfectly
okay to rub on my belly when I was trying to serve them. I once patted away
the hand of an older man and told him that only my husband was allowed to
touch me there, and he got positively irate with me, said I was rude and
hoped I had a rude child to go along with it!
To the OP, remember that it's YOUR body! You have every right to protect
your personal space. Your MIL will get over it, try to handle it with humor
and grace, but handle it nonetheless!
Alexis

Jill-
I've never responded to any of your posts but I read alot of them and
I must say that your husband truly sounds like king of the dicks!

I don't really have any other advice that's different from what many
others here have offered. It sounds like you're really trying and
he's oblivious to the fact that he's being an inconsiderate asshole.
I sometimes read parts of your posts to my husband and at first he
kept telling me that you had to be joking, that no man could be such a
schmuck.

On Thu, 08 Jan 2004 03:37:31 GMT, "Jill" wrote:
feel like if I say "Ok go to counseling or I am leaving"...he will let me
leave.

It sounds like this may be the sort of wake-up call that just might
knock something loose in his pea-brain! It could be that the only way
for him to make the right choice is to not know what he had until it
was gone.

Carla

Angela Schepers wrote:

I don't even want to talk to her for
fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?

If it were me, I'd pat her belly back and I am sure within a few times
she'd feel upset too.

Just tell her your feelings, if you are afraid to get angry, write them
down in a letter and let her respond. And you should definitely be
honest about this towards your husband as well. Being pregnant should
not be an excuse for people to continuously touch you. I am sure she
means no harm, all the more important she realizes that she *is* hurting
you.

--
--I.

What she is doing shows very little respect for you
and already demonstrates that she will run over anything you do or say
when it comes to her enthusiasm about the baby. You need to think about
the future with your child and whether or not this woman is going to
respect any of your parenting decisions, instructions for baby care and
feeding, discipline, etc. when she is visiting or watching the baby.
Don't go down the road of letting her do as she pleases now, and don't
go down the road of not expecting your husband to stand up to his own
family in defense of your choices about parenting.

I could not agree more. It is my opinion that in cases like this, it
is the child of the offending parent who needs to step up to the
plate. In other words, if my father was doing something to offend my
husband, I would be the one to bring it to my dad's attention. Now,
I'm not saying that it works this way in my family, but it is how I
WISH it would work!! After I had my son, my MIL was at my house
constantly. I was suffering severe PPD, and because I was having
breastfeeding problems, was either nursing or pumping ALL THE TIME!!!
MY MIL (even though she meant well) just got in my way. She stopped by
all the time, uninvited, and would clean my house, tell me I should
just give up the breastfeeding, and get lipstick on my son's head
kissing him so much. I know it sounds irrational, because you think to
yourself, gosh it would be great if someone would clean MY house, but
at the time, I just wanted to be left alone to bond with my son. I was
having a hard time doing that. I asked DH to talk to her and he flat
out refused. It was a HUGE problem for a long time. What I decided to
do was invite her over when I felt up to it so that I wouldn't feel
like the situation was out of my control. Unfortunately, my BIL
brought it to her attention instead of DH, and she realized we were
all discussing it behind her back. Discussing it with someone besides
my husband was MY big mistake. She just quit coming over altogether
for a long time until her feelings healed. Wouldn't it have been
better if DH had just quietly asked her to give me a break? I think
so. It would have given her the impression that we are a united front.
Instead, she just thought I was an as****e.

In article m,
"Jill" wrote:

They are not ogres...but they seem torelish being my husband's priority and
it makes me angry, it does, because I am his wife. He just won't separate
from them. I don't want him not to see them or not to talk to them daily
(they live 3 hours away) etc. I know he wants to see them every chance he
gets (so what if I don't??).....but my problem does come in when everything
is all put together like a puzzle and all this time goes by and he is so
wrapped up in them and careless of me.

I wish I had good advice for you. My first thought is that this is a
stressful time for both of you - having a baby can bring up anxieties,
and you've also mentioned money problems. Not to mention all those
pregnancy hormones. So it may well be that your stress is coming out as
feeling extra sensitive to these issues, and his stress or anxiety is
making him extra clingy with his folks (like, he's scared about being a
grown-up so he's reverting to being a child a little bit). My point is
that you don't need to see these things spell doom for your marriage; it
may well get better over time.

Second, it sounds like you have an issue of not spending enough quality
time with your husband. I'd make that the priority, because when you're
dwelling so much on the things that make you angry about him, you're
losing all the loving feelings that you've had. So rather than have
another argument, approach him from the point of view that you'd like to
schedule some couple-time, and pick an evening to do something nice
together. Or suggest that Mondays and Thursdays are couple evenings, and
you'll either go out (in which case you won't hear the phone) or get him
to agree that for those hours he won't talk with his dad. Rent a movie
to watch together, snuggle on the couch, and both resolve not to talk
about any issues (e.g., money) but just enjoy being together. This will
be so much harder to schedule once the baby's born so it's good to build
up some couple-points now.

It might be that once you feel like your couple-time needs are taken
care of, you'll be less resentful of his time with his folks. And on the
other evenings, plan some stuff that you can do on your own, like
reading a good book or getting together with a friend, so that he has
his time too. (Is it really a big issue that he's so loud on the phone
with his Dad? Would he go in another room to talk?)

In my case, DH isn't obsessed with his folks, it's his hobby. He
schedules so many nights and weekends to do his hobby, and it got to the
point that I resented *any* time he took for his hobby, which wasn't
fair because I knew how important it was to him. Finally it's getting
better, through a combination of him cutting back some, me looking more
clearly at how much time it really is, our scheduling couple-time (I
even found sometimes I needed to write it on our calendar, otherwise
he'd think, "hm, I'm not doing anything that weekend," and schedule his
hobby), and finally, me learning to enjoy time on my own (with my baby,
or even getting a sitter so that I had time off too).

Finally, I'll recommend the book "Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen
Your Marriage as Your Family Grows" by Pamela L. Jordan (Author), et al
(Paperback). A lot of it is on more effective ways to resolve
differences. But it would help a lot if your husband were willing to do
the exercises with you. (Mine wasn't really, though it did start a
useful conversation or two.)

Hope some of this helps,

- Lynn

Jill wrote:

They are not ogres...but they seem torelish being my husband's priority and
it makes me angry, it does, because I am his wife. He just won't separate
from them.

This seems like the heart of your problem. My sister went through
something very similar with her in-laws, as her husband was a definite
mama's boy and spent every moment over there helping her fix things,
helping out his dad, you name it. Gradually and I say GRADUALLY this
changed, but it took a while. He's a great guy, he just was abnormally
attached to his family.... my sister could relate though because our
family is very tight too... men sometimes just seem to have an extra,
invisible umbilical cord!