A Parenting & kids forum. ParentingBanter.com

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Go Back   Home » ParentingBanter.com forum » misc.kids » Pregnancy
Site Map Home Authors List Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read Web Partners

Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!



 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old May 10th 04, 08:10 PM
Welches
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!


Stephanie J wrote in message
...

"Welches" wrote in message
...

Stephanie J wrote in message
...



Can't you see where this chap's coming from?


Yes I do understand -
You can have a planned c-section and still be in charge of your birth, you
can plan to have an epidural and tons of internals and be in charge. You

can
have a midwife at home or hospital and plan for bo drugs and be in charge.

I
really don't care how other people choose to have their babies or feed

their
babies or diaper their babies or school their babies - as long as they

have
chosen the best route for them after doing the research.

Thanks, Stephanie, you've put a balanced view on the issue.
Debbie


  #22  
Old May 10th 04, 08:37 PM
Buzzy Bee
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

On Mon, 10 May 2004 20:08:28 +0100, Welches
wrote:


Yes, I wasn't commenting on home births at all. Just unassisted births.
Very
different (to me!)


And me! I was basically agreeing with you, but coming from a different
angle. I don't think unassisted is necessarily a good idea, particularly
with a first, but I was trying to point out that doesn't mean a hospital
birth with uncle Tom cobbley and all present. Homebirth gives you more
control and you can have midwives in the house but not in the room for
much of it, if you wish.

Megan
  #23  
Old May 10th 04, 09:02 PM
Nan
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

On Mon, 10 May 2004 14:53:05 -0400, "Dagny"
wrote:


"Nan" wrote in message
.. .
On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1
wrote:

No-one is looking at you.
Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes
were scrunched up in agony.


Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor
;-)

Nan


Modesty can return rapidly when you are being victimized.


Who said anything about being victimized???

And yes, people are looking at you. Big time.


Must be a YMMV thing, then because nobody ever bothered me, let alone
took the time to look at me, save for two internal exams to check
dilation.

Nan
  #24  
Old May 10th 04, 09:11 PM
Nan
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

On Mon, 10 May 2004 16:15:49 -0400, "Dagny"
wrote:


"Nan" wrote in message
.. .
On Mon, 10 May 2004 14:53:05 -0400, "Dagny"
wrote:


"Nan" wrote in message
.. .
On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1
wrote:

No-one is looking at you.
Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes
were scrunched up in agony.

Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor
;-)

Nan


Modesty can return rapidly when you are being victimized.


Who said anything about being victimized???


Nobody, I was just venting my experience. Sorry for the out of context
rant.


No problem, it just took me by surprise, attached to my post.

Nan
  #25  
Old May 10th 04, 09:15 PM
Dagny
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!


"Nan" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 10 May 2004 14:53:05 -0400, "Dagny"
wrote:


"Nan" wrote in message
.. .
On Mon, 10 May 2004 13:43:32 +1000, melbgal1
wrote:

No-one is looking at you.
Well, no-one looked at me, and if they did, I didn't notice as my eyes
were scrunched up in agony.

Not to mention that modesty tends to quickly flee when one is in labor
;-)

Nan


Modesty can return rapidly when you are being victimized.


Who said anything about being victimized???


Nobody, I was just venting my experience. Sorry for the out of context
rant.



And yes, people are looking at you. Big time.


Must be a YMMV thing, then because nobody ever bothered me, let alone
took the time to look at me, save for two internal exams to check
dilation.


Yes, I guess.


  #26  
Old May 10th 04, 10:09 PM
zolw
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

Hey Jay;

First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or she
has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into

How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get
educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some
delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is). If
she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live close to
a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when things get too much,
you can always go to the hospital.

As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably aren't,
besides, she will not be aware of their eyes. Also, it seems that the
problem is that having a midwife at home would be too expensive, well
she would also look at her, wouldn't she? Maybe you need to try to talk
logic with her.

She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her? The
health of the baby or her comfort?

I know that I am not much help, but then again, I am quite the opposite
of your wife. I want as much help as possible, I will have my husband
run me to the hospital as soon as we are allowed & I will have a fully
medicated (if such a thing exists) birth ) I am not half as brave as
your wife.

Mona
due 07-31-04

Jay wrote:
Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep reading...
with NO help!!!
We live in Australia. We can't afford to have a mid-wife for a home birth,
but medicare would probably cover the cost of a mid-wife if we went to the
hospital. We would both have liked to have a home birth with a mid-wife
present, but since we can't afford it, for the sake of safety everyone I
know (me, my mother, mother-in-law, sister, friends) has suggested that we
MUST go to the hospital. This is her/our first child. She hates the idea of
everyone looking at her and keeps telling me how uncomfortable she'll be at
the hospital (whether it's a male OR female doctor OR mid-wife helping
out). She is 22 and thinks she know everything! She believes she can do
everything herself at home without any help... not even from me or her
mother! Though, even with our help it still won't be a good situation. We
can't help if there are complications. The only thing we could do is call
an ambulance to take her to the hospital (if we can't force her to get
there ourselves), where my wife doesn't want to go in the first place!
Everytime I (or her mother) try to talk to her about this, she insists
she can do it all herself and gets mad. She says it's HER decision to make.
But, she forgets that there is another life involved and I feel she is
being quite selfish and not thinking about the baby's well-being one bit.
Just her own comfort level. Obviously she won't listen to me because I'm
the man and I couldn't POSSIBLY understand her (this is the only major
thing we fight about, otherwise our marriage is wonderful and I love her
VERY MUCH!!!). But, it's not just me she won't listen to, it's her mother
and ANYONE else who doesn't agree with her!
Please, I need help. What can I do to convince her that she can't do it all
herself and she needs go to the hospital (if we could afford a mid-wife, I
wouldn't have a problem with a home birth, in fact I think it would make my
wife a lot more comfortable, but we can't). The due date is just over a
month from now and I'm worried about her safety and the safety of our child
. I'm worried the time will come and I won't be near her and she won't ask
anyone for help, she'll just give birth on her own in an unsafe environment
(not necessarily because it's not in a hospital, but because she hasn't
really planned for anything, even if she wanted a proper home birth she
hasn't done anything to provide for it).

Thanks for any help or suggestions you may provide... please post them to
this group!

Jay


  #27  
Old May 10th 04, 10:34 PM
Ericka Kammerer
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

zolw wrote:

Whoa, this is an awfully accusatory message!


First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or she
has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into


Why? I didn't have an unassisted childbirth, but I've
been through three births in which my midwives were, at my
request, very hands off. It didn't seem to bother me any.

How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get
educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some
delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is). If
she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live close to
a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when things get too much,
you can always go to the hospital.


Did you perhaps mean to say *if* things get too much?

As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably aren't,
besides, she will not be aware of their eyes.


This is not necessarily true. Study after study after
study shows that the people present at a birth and their
relationship with the mother *do*, in fact, affect the progress
(and the safety) of labor and delivery. It can certainly
matter a great deal, especially to some women. I don't think
it's appropriate or polite to dismiss her concerns like that.

Also, it seems that the
problem is that having a midwife at home would be too expensive, well
she would also look at her, wouldn't she? Maybe you need to try to talk
logic with her.


The relationship with a homebirth midwife tends to be far
more intimate. It's a far cry from birthing in front of L&D
nurses (or maybe even on call doctors/midwives) whom one has never
even met.

She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her? The
health of the baby or her comfort?


Ooooh, this argument always makes me see red. How would
you feel if I said, "What's more important to you? Your comfort
or your baby's health?" with respect to whether or not you
choose an epidural? Epidurals do, after all, have risks. Would
you not, quite rightly, tell me precisely where I could stuff
that question? Unassisted childbirth isn't for everyone, and
there are certainly cases in which it is unacceptably risky.
However, for some people in some situations it can be a
reasonable choice--just as for some women in some situations
it is reasonable to choose an epidural even though epidurals
present increased risks.

Best wishes,
Ericka

  #28  
Old May 10th 04, 11:40 PM
Stephanie J
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!


"zolw" wrote

Hey Jay;

First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or she
has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into


Brave? Any woman having a baby is brave. The labor and birth are the easiest
part of the whole parenthood thing. that part only lastsa day or 3 anyway.
Parenthood lasts a lifetime. Literally. As far as the pain thing, well... I
guess if you feel all births are painful, that would make a difference. Most
of mine have been painful to a point but one was so easy it wasn't even
funny. Personally I'm more terrified of a needle in my spine than I am of
childbirth.. I don't mind needles in general, mind you...

How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get
educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some
delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is). If
she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live close to
a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when things get too much,
you can always go to the hospital.


I stand by my position that every birthing woman/couple should educate
themselves about unassisted childbirth no matter what their plans are.
Between your body, the baby, the weather, road construction, traffic...
there is no guarantee that what you plan is what will happen. Not all
births are hard, just to make that clear.


As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably aren't,
besides, she will not be aware of their eyes. Also, it seems that the
problem is that having a midwife at home would be too expensive, well
she would also look at her, wouldn't she? Maybe you need to try to talk
logic with her.


I don't like people seeing my stuff unless there's a good reason for it.
Childbirth is not generally a medical condition. My husband, sure... my mom
even, during a birth,sure. A doctor? Only if there's medical need. And yes,
doctors and nurses will be looking and some of them will comment about what
they see. I've heard it while waiting for appointments. Professional, no..
but utterly human. I do think I'd want them to be looking at that area while
they were attaching the scalp monitor, for instance... From what I've heard
about the good midwives - they are much like a best friend/mother/sister
figure and just happen to have lots of training and/or experience in birth
situations. I would have willingly had one for my births if there had been
one available in my area.

She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her? The
health of the baby or her comfort?


That is, well... I'll leave you to read Ericka's response. Baby has a better
chance of not getting nasty germs at home than in the hospital environment.
Less chance of interventions unless they are truly indicated when you stay
home also.


I know that I am not much help, but then again, I am quite the opposite
of your wife. I want as much help as possible, I will have my husband
run me to the hospital as soon as we are allowed & I will have a fully
medicated (if such a thing exists) birth ) I am not half as brave as
your wife.


You might want to prepare yourself for an unmedicated and/or unassisted
birth yourself... I've heard more than one story of either not getting to
the hospital on time or the medications not working...The best laid plans
and all, you know

Stephanie - fairly modest, even during childbirth, thank you very much.
Maybe if I got really drunk first I wouldn't notice that there were
strangers around?
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months

Mona
due 07-31-04



  #29  
Old May 11th 04, 12:01 AM
Circe
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

zolw wrote:
First of all, I want to say that your wife is either very brave or
she has no idea what sort of pain she is going to get into

I don't think *you* have any way of knowing what sort of pain Jay's wife is
going to get into, either. I'm not a particularly brave person but I've
managed two unmedicated births and never felt, either time, that the pain
was beyond my ability to cope.

To my mind, fear of pain is not a good reason to avoid an unassisted birth.
There are plenty of OTHER reasons (not least of which is that, if things
aren't going right, a first-time mother doesn't necessarily have the
training or experience to recognize the problem developing), butpain is,
IMO, a total non-issue.

How far away do you live from a hospital? Maybe you can both get
educated about unassisted child birthing, then make her watch some
delivery videos (just so that she gets the idea & how hard it is).


You probably wouldn't want her to see the video of my third birth, then. My
MIL, SIL, BIL, and niece-in-law dropped by the hospital while I was in labor
with him. I was so serene during the contractions I was having during their
stay, they thought it would be *hours* until the baby was born. 20 minutes
after they left, after a five minute pushing stage, he slipped into the
world. Of course, a third birth is generally easier than a first, but I
certainly wouldn't characterize birth as something that is *always* hard.

If she still insists on having the baby all by herself (& you live
close to a hospital) then let her do as she pleases, when
things get too much, you can always go to the hospital.

And if they don't get too be too much?

As for her idea of "people" looking at her. Well, they probably
aren't, besides, she will not be aware of their eyes.


Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I admit, when I was in labor, I didn't mind
having people around. But I don't fool myself into believing that *everyone*
would want their husband, mother, nephew, best friend, two children, a
midwife, and two nurses present when she was giving birth (that was the full
complement when my third was born).

Also, it
seems that the problem is that having a midwife at home would be
too expensive, well she would also look at her, wouldn't she?
Maybe you need to try to talk logic with her.

Pregnant women are not especially known for being logical, however g.

She might want to weigh it in too. What is more important for her?
The health of the baby or her comfort?

I know that I am not much help, but then again, I am quite the
opposite of your wife. I want as much help as possible, I will
have my husband run me to the hospital as soon as we are
allowed & I will have a fully medicated (if such a thing exists)
birth )


And here is where *you* are being illogical. You're accusing the OP's wife
of being more concerned about her comfort than the baby's health while
clearly putting your *own* comfort above *your* baby's health by demanding a
"fully medicated" birth. All pain relief medications delivered during labor
have risks for your baby. These risks are small and mostly minor, to be
sure, but they are real. So, come on, do you care more about your baby's
health or your own comfort?

I am not half as brave as your wife.

I don't think you're not brave--I think you've been indoctrinated with the
fear of childbirth that permeates our culture. I think it's a shame, really,
because it *is* possible for unmedicated childbirth to be an envigorating,
empowering, deeply profound experience.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 4), and the Rising Son (Julian, 6)

Aurora (in the bathroom with her dad)--"It looks like an elephant, Daddy."
Me (later)--"You should feel flattered."

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman


  #30  
Old May 11th 04, 12:50 AM
Donna Metler
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

As long as she's consulting with a good midwife for prenatal care (my
perinatologist actually prefers for most of his high-risk patients to have
regular care with a midwife because of the closer relationship) who is going
to be able recognize signs of problems, I don't see this as a problem. While
I cannot consider a home birth (this one will be a C-section, and has a
pretty high chance of being another complicated pregnancy), many women don't
need the level of care provided by a hospital. A good midwife is less of a
medical professional than a friend who has been through this before, and
tends to stay out of the way.

It really sounds like fear talking, not logic here.



 




Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife wants to work Jamie General 76 May 19th 04 03:38 PM
Advice Please (x-posted) toto General (moderated) 2 March 8th 04 06:49 PM
Supporting wife whose mother is dying Alayne General 4 March 7th 04 08:17 AM
Need advice!!! Marnie Pregnancy 28 February 6th 04 12:09 AM
I Am A Big Brother (Big Brothers Big Sisters) And Have A Problem With My Match Rob08757 General 11 September 15th 03 07:17 PM


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:25 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004-2024 ParentingBanter.com.
The comments are property of their posters.