Post concerning dealing with truth

This post mainly goes out to Kate but any suggestions are welcome.

I know I have posted on this subject but I was recently reading the email
Kate sent about children and grieving. I wanted to refresh my memory, do a
check on my daughter so to speak.

Our New Year's Eve was not uneventful but it started out odd in that she
didn't want to go to her best friends house. She wanted to be with me. I was
only going to that guy's house I am seeing. Nothing fun, he had a few people
over is all. I said it was fine, her coming along. Part way through the
night, I could sense her mood not being as up as normal. I remembered that
her and her father had spent about 2-3 New Year Eve's together. They would
traditionally drink a root beer float. I asked her if she like me to go to
the store to get ice cream and root beer and she said yes. So we toasted his
memory and drank root beer floats and my male friend even joined us and she
was ok with that. Otherwise, we sort of just left the rest of the party out
of it. Actually I think my friend told them this was important and they left
us alone.

Anyways..... It hit me (how many months later???). The reality of his death
just now hits and I can not comprehend how she must feel and I feel so sad
for her and so horrible for not supporting her better. She has mentioned
countless times that he was not on drugs, he was clean. (My brother recently
went back to crack so the family is dealing with that.) She makes comments
that at least her father stopped doing drugs. I know without any doubt that
she can not know the truth but I fear that one day it will be discovered.
Most lies are uncovered eventually.

I am going to get her into a grieving program and stop putting it off. I
don't know why I haven't yet. I was going to ask you what books you would
suggest but I see some books mentioned in that email that I will check out.

Thanks for listening.

T

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

No suggestions but it's certainly harder to deal with loss at Christmas, New
Year, birthdays and other significant dates so in that respect it sounds
"normal" IYSWIM.


--
Paul Griffiths

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...
This post mainly goes out to Kate but any suggestions are welcome.

I know I have posted on this subject but I was recently reading the email
Kate sent about children and grieving. I wanted to refresh my memory, do a
check on my daughter so to speak.

Our New Year's Eve was not uneventful but it started out odd in that she
didn't want to go to her best friends house. She wanted to be with me. I
was only going to that guy's house I am seeing. Nothing fun, he had a few
people over is all. I said it was fine, her coming along. Part way through
the night, I could sense her mood not being as up as normal. I remembered
that her and her father had spent about 2-3 New Year Eve's together. They
would traditionally drink a root beer float. I asked her if she like me to
go to the store to get ice cream and root beer and she said yes. So we
toasted his memory and drank root beer floats and my male friend even
joined us and she was ok with that. Otherwise, we sort of just left the
rest of the party out of it. Actually I think my friend told them this was
important and they left us alone.

Anyways..... It hit me (how many months later???). The reality of his
death just now hits and I can not comprehend how she must feel and I feel
so sad for her and so horrible for not supporting her better. She has
mentioned countless times that he was not on drugs, he was clean. (My
brother recently went back to crack so the family is dealing with that.)
She makes comments that at least her father stopped doing drugs. I know
without any doubt that she can not know the truth but I fear that one day
it will be discovered. Most lies are uncovered eventually.

I am going to get her into a grieving program and stop putting it off. I
don't know why I haven't yet. I was going to ask you what books you would
suggest but I see some books mentioned in that email that I will check
out.

Thanks for listening.

T

Honestly Tiff, she's old enough to hear the truth and I think it only makes
things worse when you keep something from someone. She will find out the
truth eventually and she'll quite possibly blame you for not sharing it
sooner. If it were me, I would have a good long talk with her because she
needs to know what really happened.

Christine

'Kate wrote:
And the children who watch it on the news (especially if they've been
exposed often over time, have relatives there, have visited the area,
or relate to the loss of the people because of recent personal
losses)
may need to be watched more closely for awhile. Panic, anxiety, sleep
disorders, and depression are a few things that happened to children
after 9/11 that may also happen to these (or our own) children as a
result. It's never just one thing that gets us.. it's one thing, then
another, then another and when they come so close together as to not
allow time to relax and return to normal will affect us moreso than
just one incident.

I have had just horrible nightmares since the Tsunami. One nightmare
was a tornado slicing my roof in half, another was a big fire
approaching and the closer the fire got and I was trying to hose it
with water, the fire turned into Grizzly bears who were angry and
charging at me, and I've also had numerous earthquake nightmares where
the structures that I'm in turn on the side. I never thought I'd
witness something like this Tsunami in my lifetime. I never thought
there would be a 9/11, either.

I kind of feel like life's falling apart around me (my job's running
out, too, so that may be part of it.)

Karen

On 10 Jan 2005 10:50:30 -0800, "Karen" wrote:

[snip]

This reminded me of the reports that keep coming in on the Tsunami. The
children who have lost their parents, or their siblings, and they
*seem* to be doing so well and ready to live and some who have not
cried. Gosh, you wonder how this has changed their personalities and
how they will cope.

Karen

People, including children, who have been through extreme trauma, are
sometimes completely numb at first. During that time they often seem
to be doing well. Things can collapse catastrophically down the line.
That's why trauma teams being onsite right away is so important.

Of course, some kids will handle the trauma better than others. But
it'll take handling, to be sure. And so many of them won't have their
family support system to help them...having lost them all....

My heart goes out to them as well.

Cele

Thanks for the reminder about getting back to basics, because I have
definitely been doing the opposite as far as how I'm handling things.
Not exercising, indulging, not moving, being sad... ugh. It's a real
negative sprial. Will take notice to spif up my actions.

Thanks,
Karen

"Karen" wrote in message

I kind of feel like life's falling apart around me (my job's running
out, too, so that may be part of it.)

Have another look at the photos from Ireland that you took last year and
then think about how amazing it was that you managed to think of, develop,
execute and achieve that dream. Not so many people can do that, far less
than you might think.

You are not falling apart.
Perhaps you could do with a little direction again, something new to focus
on. New medium term goals.

Dennis

"'Kate" wrote in message

My gym time now
that I quit smoking.. is important.

Well done 'Kate.
I stopped last March just before Ireland introduced the public places
smoking ban. I have put on 14 lbs though. Must get out dancing more this
year.

Dennis