How much privacy do you give them?

I guess I have always believed in a fairly high amount of privacy for my
kids; I don't read their mail, look through their journals, or go
through their rooms. That right to privacy can (and has) been lost, but
only for specific cause, and the cause was pretty dramatic.


Because I'm a mom of a 12 month old, I get lots of "advice" from other
mothers at work. Two were telling me that I needed to make sure I knew
what my child was doing when she's older. They said that they read
their kids mail and would look around their rooms when they weren't
home. They didn't see anything wrong with this. Their kids were just
normal kids and weren't acting suspiciously. They used the Columbine
incident as an excuse to do this.

One said that she would read their kid's mail to see what they were
spending their money on (bank and credit card statements), and I think
she meant her college age (over 18) daughter. Said it was her
responsiblity because her daughter still lived at home. Personally, I
think if the kid is over 18 and goes into debt, it's the kid's
problem.

Compared to this, I think not letting a 13 year old go on the internet
unsupervised isn't that big of a deal.

Renee

In article , Renee says...



One said that she would read their kid's mail to see what they were
spending their money on (bank and credit card statements), and I think
she meant her college age (over 18) daughter. Said it was her
responsiblity because her daughter still lived at home. Personally, I
think if the kid is over 18 and goes into debt, it's the kid's
problem.

It's pretty likely one or both parents have co-signed on this credit card. If
so, it's not the kid's problem.

Banty

In article ,
Banty wrote:
In article , Renee says...



One said that she would read their kid's mail to see what they were
spending their money on (bank and credit card statements), and I think
she meant her college age (over 18) daughter. Said it was her
responsiblity because her daughter still lived at home. Personally, I
think if the kid is over 18 and goes into debt, it's the kid's
problem.

It's pretty likely one or both parents have co-signed on this credit card. If
so, it's not the kid's problem.


When I was in college, a kid with a job could get a card on their own
merits with no co-signer. Has that really changed? It seems to me it's
much easier to get credit you can't handle now....

--Robyn

In article , Robyn Kozierok says...

In article ,
Banty wrote:
In article , Renee says...



One said that she would read their kid's mail to see what they were
spending their money on (bank and credit card statements), and I think
she meant her college age (over 18) daughter. Said it was her
responsiblity because her daughter still lived at home. Personally, I
think if the kid is over 18 and goes into debt, it's the kid's
problem.

It's pretty likely one or both parents have co-signed on this credit card. If
so, it's not the kid's problem.


When I was in college, a kid with a job could get a card on their own
merits with no co-signer. Has that really changed? It seems to me it's
much easier to get credit you can't handle now....

--Robyn


I may behind the times..

(Marion Baumgarten) wrote in message m...
Wendy wrote:



In my convrsations with my daughter last night she told me who is on her
AIM buddy list and it was all the same answers I expected... until she
said, "friends of friends". Oops. She's just so confident that these are
real people that someone she knows knows that she can't even imagine that
she's at risk. I'm left having to find these people and call their
mothers (which I will do) to make sure they're really local kids.

That seems over the top to me. If she tells me KrazyKitty is Tina from
her English class, I'm going to believe her, unless I have reason to
suspect otherwise.

I don't agree. A IRL friend of mine looked at her son's buddy list (he
was about 12 at the time) and found more than 160 names on it. She sat
him down and went through it and it was just like you see on 60
minutes or 20/20, lots and lots of names of 'kids' he met in chat
rooms. So she started logging his chats and IMing, and it turned out
that the 'kids' he was talking to weren't all kids. One was a
paedophile which she then reported

I have to say that I'm a bit disappointed that no one took the position
that the adolescent has a right to privacy. I feel cruel not giving it to
her.


Why? Does she have a door on her room? There is a book called Katie.com
about a girl who met a guy she was chatting with who was supposedly 24,
but turned out to be in his 40's. My daughter couldn't put ti down when
she was 13.

Marion

chiam margalit wrote:


That seems over the top to me. If she tells me KrazyKitty is Tina from
her English class, I'm going to believe her, unless I have reason to
suspect otherwise.

I don't agree. A IRL friend of mine looked at her son's buddy list (he
was about 12 at the time) and found more than 160 names on it. She sat
him down and went through it and it was just like you see on 60
minutes or 20/20, lots and lots of names of 'kids' he met in chat
rooms. So she started logging his chats and IMing, and it turned out
that the 'kids' he was talking to weren't all kids. One was a
paedophile which she then reported


My daughter doesn't have any friends of friends. She has a cousin of one
of her girl friends who lives in Texas, but I've met said girlfriend.
Also, computer is in public area, so i do monitor her IMing.

ColoradoSkiBum wrote:
The credit card companies have made it ridiculously easy for kids to get
credit cards.

My four year old got a pre-approved offer yesterday. (It was associated
with his Delta SkyMiles account. Apparently someone who flies as often as
he does is a good credit risk.)

Wendy

When I was in college, a kid with a job could get a card on their own
: merits with no co-signer. Has that really changed? It seems to me it's
: much easier to get credit you can't handle now....

The credit card companies have made it ridiculously easy for kids to get
credit cards. 60 Minutes did a segment about a year ago--maybe a little
more now--about college kids who wind up with, to them, huge debt loads.
There was one girl, I think she was 19 years old, she ran up a $1300 debt on
one card that she couldn't pay--she could not even make the monthy payments,
and the credit card company was hounding her so she eventually hung
herself--over $1300 of debt. If I had that little debt I'd have a freaking
party! And after she killed herself, they CC company started calling *her
parents,* who had not cosigned and had nothing to do with the debt or the
acquisition of the card in the first place. Her mom basically told them to
go to hell--they were the ones who gave her the card when she obviously
didn't have an income to support it, so they could eat the loss. Her
daughter had just killed herself for God's sake!

Is it any wonder that personal debt is now at its all time highest, and
credit card companies are taking huge losses because people can't afford to
pay them off?
--
ColoradoSkiBum

x-no-archive:yes


"P. G. Chavez" wrote:

Wendy wrote and I snipped:

I have to say that I'm a bit disappointed that no one took the position
that the adolescent has a right to privacy. I feel cruel not giving it to
her.

You know, I agree with you that privacy should be respected, no matter
the age of the child. I feel a little bit weird about this, too. But
cruel? No. The way I think about it is in terms of prioritizing safety
over privacy. When in doubt - and I highly doubt the safety of
unlimited, unmonitored Internet access - my job to ensure my child's
safety is much more important than my child's sense of fairness and
ability to keep things from me. In fact, I believe that my number one
job as a parent, above all else, is to keep my child as safe as
possible.

I really disagree with that last statement. THe number one job of a
parent is to bring a child up so that when they go out on their own
they can keep themselves safe. This entails letting them practice in
using their own judgement and taking risks. Except when the children
are toddlers, keeping a child 'as safe as possible' is IMHO the wrong
goal and will ultimately result in a neonatal adult.

To address the original issue of privacy. Where and at what age
should a child have what types of privacy? I don't know all the
answers, but here are some ideas.

Privacy of their body - to take care of from washing to tattooing.
Generally this is a pretty easy one for the washing - if the child
demonstrates that they can wash and brush their teeth by themselves,
then they are old enough. And when they get to the point where they
are wearing appropriate clothing ditto.

Other possible questions involve haircuts, makeup, pierced ears or
other body parts, etc. The outer image is often a bone of contention
between teens and parents in a different way than it is with the
toddler who wants to wear a tutu to pre-school.

A related issue is sexual privacy.

Physical Movement within the community.- thinking of walking, biking
and eventually driving a car - at what point does the parent allow the
child to do any of these things alone?

Friends - who gets to choose them? How often may they see them?

Mail - can they get and receive snail mail without the parent's
interference. Generally speaking I think most USPS mail should be
private to the person. This includes other written communication such
as diaries.

Phone conversations. Should they be private? At what age? As (I
think) Wendy pointed out - in the old days kids used to talk on the
phone. Now they do the IM thing.

Computer use IMHO is a combination of Mail and Phone with a soupcon of
Friends. What we had as guidelines in the past for mail and phone
privacy can be adapted as guidelines for computer use.


grandma Rosalie

: My four year old got a pre-approved offer yesterday. (It was associated
: with his Delta SkyMiles account. Apparently someone who flies as often as
: he does is a good credit risk.)

Wow! Well, tell him to have fun shopping then! No cosigning required?
--
ColoradoSkiBum