Just gotta vent!

I'm now just about 22 weeks and beginning to show quite a bit. My MIL
seems to think that this gives her permission to rub and pat my belly
whenever she feels like it and it's driving me crazy!!! I know she's
just excited (this is her first grandchild) and I've tried to be
understanding and everything... I've even told her how much it bothers
me when people touch my belly and that if someone would want to touch it
they should ask first but she keeps rubbing my belly repeatedly per
visit and continues not to ask. I've tried to be nice, and I've tried
to tell her that I don't like it but it's just not sinking in! Last
weekend I even skipped my brother in law's birthday party (he just
turned 18) because I didn't want to deal with being p*ssed off and
cranky the whole party long. I told DH that I didn't want to go at the
last minute, didn't tell him why exactly but I could tell that he was a
bit hurt by it. Next week is my FIL's 50th birthday and they're
throwing a big bash for him and we're expected to come (we live in the
same city) and I'm really dreading it. I find myself finding more and
more excuses not to see my MIL. I don't even want to talk to her for
fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?

"Angela Schepers" wrote in message
news:lNQKb.765659$Tr4.2201438@attbi_s03...
I'm now just about 22 weeks and beginning to show quite a bit. My MIL
seems to think that this gives her permission to rub and pat my belly
whenever she feels like it and it's driving me crazy!!! I know she's
just excited (this is her first grandchild) and I've tried to be
understanding and everything... I've even told her how much it bothers
me when people touch my belly and that if someone would want to touch it
they should ask first but she keeps rubbing my belly repeatedly per
visit and continues not to ask. I've tried to be nice, and I've tried
to tell her that I don't like it but it's just not sinking in! Last
weekend I even skipped my brother in law's birthday party (he just
turned 18) because I didn't want to deal with being p*ssed off and
cranky the whole party long. I told DH that I didn't want to go at the
last minute, didn't tell him why exactly but I could tell that he was a
bit hurt by it. Next week is my FIL's 50th birthday and they're
throwing a big bash for him and we're expected to come (we live in the
same city) and I'm really dreading it. I find myself finding more and
more excuses not to see my MIL. I don't even want to talk to her for
fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?


See I'm the opposite, I LOVE when people touch my big belly! But my mother
HATED it and hates the whole notion of it. When people used to touch her
belly (ok, take this with a grain of salt, my mother is quite harsh at
times) she would grab their boob. It would put people in their place. Of
course I'm the last child in my family so I don't know how people reacted,
but she swears it worked like a charm!

For something a tad less offensive :-) I'd have your hubby talk with her and
tell her that you really don't feel comfortable having ANYONE touch your
belly, and that it doesn't just apply to strangers - since she is probably
thinking she has carte blanche since she's the Grandma. She probably
doesn't even think that she's touching YOU, just thinks she's giving her
grandbaby some loving.

Try to work this out before it causes problems...you'll want the
grandparents around once you have your baby and tension now is probably not
the best idea.

Good luck and give your OWN belly a rub for me!

- Jen

Angela Schepers wrote:

more excuses not to see my MIL. I don't even want to talk to her for
fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?

I'd probably just go ahead and scream and yell.

Actually you may have "hinted" but she isn't getting it. You need to be
direct and tell her, "I don't like it when people touch my belly. I'd
really prefer if you didn't unless I invite you first. You'll have
plenty of time to play with the baby after it is born."

If this doesn't work, well, you've warned her... smack her hand the next
time it wanders. It's a form of harassment you know!

In lNQKb.765659$Tr4.2201438@attbi_s03,
Angela Schepers wrote:

*bit hurt by it. Next week is my FIL's 50th birthday and they're
*throwing a big bash for him and we're expected to come (we live in the
*same city) and I'm really dreading it. I find myself finding more and
*more excuses not to see my MIL. I don't even want to talk to her for
*fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
*frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?

I would go on with my normal life, including attending the party. If
anyone - MIL included - approached my belly, I would say "please don't
touch my belly, it makes me really uncomfortable." If someone then touched
my belly, I would raise my voice a little, while turning my body away
violently, and say "HEY! I just asked you not to do that! Cut it out!" If
the person touched me again, I would use my own hand to grab the offending
wrist and hold it up off of my body, and say "please stop touching me"
loudly. That works well in a lot of situations, actually. I had a weirdo
on the bus rubbing up against me one time and the first time he touched me
I thought it was an accident and I said "oh, please watch it, you're
touching me in an inappropriate place," then it happened again and I
turned around and grabbed his hand and yelled "please stop touching me, I
don't know you!" A huge clearing appeared around the man just like that
and he got off at the next stop. But as far as an annoying MIL goes, I
think that I would treat it as a serious offense and make a public
spectacle if necessary, while remaining as civil as possible - hence the
"please."

--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large

I agree with Hilary's advice. Another option would be to go to the party
and tell MIL that you have a pregnancy rash which is unbearably painful and
itchy, and that it's all over your belly. Skin issues can be common in
pregnancy, and then you have an easy medical "out." Just a thought. I
think in the end, you are going to have to be very direct about it with your
MIL.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_guest,
Password: Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html


"Hillary Israeli" wrote in message
I would go on with my normal life, including attending the party. If
anyone - MIL included - approached my belly, I would say "please don't
touch my belly, it makes me really uncomfortable." If someone then touched
my belly, I would raise my voice a little, while turning my body away
violently, and say "HEY! I just asked you not to do that! Cut it out!" If
the person touched me again, I would use my own hand to grab the offending
wrist and hold it up off of my body, and say "please stop touching me"
loudly. That works well in a lot of situations, actually. I had a weirdo
on the bus rubbing up against me one time and the first time he touched me
I thought it was an accident and I said "oh, please watch it, you're
touching me in an inappropriate place," then it happened again and I
turned around and grabbed his hand and yelled "please stop touching me, I
don't know you!" A huge clearing appeared around the man just like that
and he got off at the next stop. But as far as an annoying MIL goes, I
think that I would treat it as a serious offense and make a public
spectacle if necessary, while remaining as civil as possible - hence the
"please."

"Angela Schepers" wrote What should I do? How
can I best handle this situation?


This is one of those times where you are just going to have to be blunt. The
next time she reaches for you, step aside and say "I have asked you
repeatedly not to touch my stomach. It is very uncomfrtable for me to have
people just start touching my stomach. Please stop."....or, you can just
reach out and grab HER stomach in return lol. You also need to tell your DH
to join in- if you keep telling her and she doesn't listen you have every
right to keep space between you. Have your DH talk to her in private about
it.

I really hate this. One of my mom's friends did this and I almost smacked
her on reflex because my stomach gets those ligament stretching pains, and
she rubbed too hard. I do NOT like to be touched in pregnancy and I have
never been a touchy feely person anyway, especially with people I am not
close to. I HATE this. People who barely know me, who have never even shook
my hand suddenly feel perfectly fine about just walking up to me and
fondling my stomach. Also, my mom does it, and I have repeatdely told (not
asked) her to stop. She gets angry and says "I am your mother, I can touch
you if I want to. I want to feel my grandchild."

Don't let people make you feel like you are robbing them of some wonderful
experience if you don't let them feel your stomach, they will get over it!
Just move out of the way.

"New York Jen" wrote
- since she is probably
thinking she has carte blanche since she's the Grandma. She probably
doesn't even think that she's touching YOU, just thinks she's giving her
grandbaby some loving.

This is what it seems to be. People lose all reason when it comes to a
pregnant woman or a pending grandchild. They don't even THINK. They lose
their mind!

For something a tad less offensive :-) I'd have your hubby talk with her


I know the posters mean very well having DH talk to her.
But that puts him in awkward position of "Go-between".

He will then get her side to pass back to you and could feel very put upon.
Pulled in both directions, not wanting to upset either of you.

I think you could just be straight up and use the "broken record technique".

Just say "Please don't touch me" and step away.

No explanations, no excuses needed.
And keep repeating it, exactly those words over and over, until she gets
the message.

Good luck,
S

Angela Schepers wrote in message news:lNQKb.765659$Tr4.2201438@attbi_s03...
I'm now just about 22 weeks and beginning to show quite a bit. My MIL
seems to think that this gives her permission to rub and pat my belly
whenever she feels like it and it's driving me crazy!!! I know she's
just excited (this is her first grandchild) and I've tried to be
understanding and everything... I've even told her how much it bothers
me when people touch my belly and that if someone would want to touch it
they should ask first but she keeps rubbing my belly repeatedly per
visit and continues not to ask. I've tried to be nice, and I've tried
to tell her that I don't like it but it's just not sinking in! Last
weekend I even skipped my brother in law's birthday party (he just
turned 18) because I didn't want to deal with being p*ssed off and
cranky the whole party long. I told DH that I didn't want to go at the
last minute, didn't tell him why exactly but I could tell that he was a
bit hurt by it. Next week is my FIL's 50th birthday and they're
throwing a big bash for him and we're expected to come (we live in the
same city) and I'm really dreading it. I find myself finding more and
more excuses not to see my MIL. I don't even want to talk to her for
fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?


Chain mail.

Seriously, I'd flinch away a coouple of times and see if she takes the
hint. Then again, I would have already been flinching.

--
C, mama to one year old nursling

I haven't hinted towards the problem, I've downright told her how
uncomfortable it makes me feel and that I do not want ANYBODY to touch
my stomach including her and other family members. I've also told her
I don't like to be touched and not to touch me. It just doesn't make a
difference. I won't ask DH be a go-between because he wouldn't do it
anyway. He doesn't want to be put in that situation and I don't blame
him. I didn't tell him why I didn't want to go to the party because I
knew he would think it was a stupid and trivial reason and would make
him even more upset at my not wanting to go. I've tried flinching and
frowning at her but it doesn't make a difference. I might just have to
try slapping at her hand but I don't want to offend her too much. I
really hate hurting people's feelings. If I lied about having a skin
issue with my stomach to get her to stop she'd want to see it and then
I'd be caught in a lie. I've been direct. I've been gentle. I've
tried to be patient but I think I'm just going to have to slap her the
next time she does it or yell at her at the top of my lungs and just
suffer the consequences. I just hope that's not what it takes to get my
point across.