Just gotta vent!

Serenity wrote:

For something a tad less offensive :-) I'd have your hubby talk with her



I know the posters mean very well having DH talk to her.
But that puts him in awkward position of "Go-between".


I disagree very much. When there are problems
with in-laws and you've already tried asking clearly
but nicely for what you want, then I think it's the
blood relation's responsibility to take the next step.
If the in-laws get into a confrontational situation
and the blood relative stays out of it, it's a huge
vote of no-confidence in the spouse and frequently
leads to all sorts of misunderstandings (like the
parents believing their son agrees with them that
his wife is being unreasonable about the belly
rubbing thing, which encourages them to keep up
the behavior).
There's no need for this to be a "go-between"
situation. All he needs to do is go to his mother and
say, "Mom, I know you're really excited about this baby,
but you're driving Angela nuts with the belly rubbing
and that's really not okay. It invades her personal
space and I don't want her stressed out over this.
We know you mean well, but please stop."
This is one of those times when it's
important for him to make it clear to his folks
that he supports his wife and will go to bat for
her when necessary.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I find myself finding more and
more excuses not to see my MIL. I don't even want to talk to her for
fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?

Here's my idea. Any time she (or anyone else) touches your belly, the
minute her hands make contact, *yelp* out very loudly, "OUCH!"

Everyone's head will turn and she will be totally mortified. You can
give a sheepish smile and apologize, but if she does it again --
"OUCH!!" As loud as you please.

Mary S.
mom to the Sproutkin, 22 months
(and hoping for another)

Angela Schepers wrote in message news:lNQKb.765659$Tr4.2201438@attbi_s03...
I find myself finding more and
more excuses not to see my MIL. I don't even want to talk to her for
fear of getting really angry and yelling at her. I'm so darn
frustrated. What should I do? How can I best handle this situation?

Why not rub *her* belly? I bet she'll stop if every time she fondles
your bump, you do it back to her. ;-)

Cathy Weeks
Mommy to Kivi Alexis 12/01

"Serenity" serenity@nospamserenitynyespam off.fslife.co.uk wrote in
message ...
For something a tad less offensive :-) I'd have your hubby talk with her


I know the posters mean very well having DH talk to her.
But that puts him in awkward position of "Go-between".

I don't agree. The DH doesn't have to act as the messenger as in, "DW says
to tell you she doesn't want you to touch her belly." Rather, he could just
tell him mom what DW is feeling and why she feels that way. More like an
observation. Then, he could request that his mom stop, for his wife's sake.

Believe it or not I don't think this will bother her in the slightest.
She'll make a game out of it and no doubt will increase the frequency of
the problem. That's just her personality.

Why not rub *her* belly? I bet she'll stop if every time she fondles
your bump, you do it back to her. ;-)

Cathy Weeks
Mommy to Kivi Alexis 12/01

In oa_Kb.87281$xX.601955@attbi_s02,
Angela Schepers wrote:

*tried to be patient but I think I'm just going to have to slap her the
*next time she does it or yell at her at the top of my lungs and just
*suffer the consequences. I just hope that's not what it takes to get my
*point across.

You don't have to slap or yell. Just grab her wrist as it approaches your
belly and say "no, PLEASE do not touch my belly!" in a loud, but not
shrill, tone of voice. Heads will turn and she will be embarrassed. If she
does it again, do the same thing, but say "HEY! I just said don't do that!
It hurts! Cut it out!" or something like that. Good luck!

--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large

"Serenity" serenity@nospamserenitynyespam off.fslife.co.uk wrote
I know the posters mean very well having DH talk to her.
But that puts him in awkward position of "Go-between".


This is a good point, but I don't think it is that big of a deal for a DH to
say "Mom, she is uncomfortable in having people overstep boundaries and
touch her. It's nothing personal, but how would you feel if everyone felt
like they could just touch you whenever they wanted no matter how you feel?
Please respect her feelings." IMO this is acceptable AFTER the poster has
repeatedly asked his mother to stop just touching her like that.

IMO it should NOT be that big of a deal for people to comply with someone's
request not to get touchy-feely with them. Why would that anger someone- why
would anyone feel that unwelcome touching is ok, for any reason?

This is what I do not get about being pregnant, WHY people want to touch
you. Before I was pregnant people sure didn;t come up and start grabbing and
rubbing on me. FWIW, I can go through any invasive medical procedure and not
feel the least bit uncomfortable. I have never been the least bit shy during
a breast exam at the doctors or anything. But it DOES make me very agitated
when anyone except for my DH comes up and just starts rubbing me. Even my DH
knows better than to just come up and start rubbing my stomach- he can gage
when it's ok and when it's not.

"Angela Schepers" wrote I've been direct. I've
been gentle. I've
tried to be patient but I think I'm just going to have to slap her the
next time she does it or yell at her at the top of my lungs and just
suffer the consequences. I just hope that's not what it takes to get my
point across.


Well then, don't slap her, but the next time she does it, follow the
suggestion of others and give her boob a good feel, and ask "How do you like
this?"

To be honest, I really think you're making a mistake by NOT asking your
husband to step in and deal with this at this point. As his wife, you
now take precedence in his life over anyone else, including his mother,
and he should have no qualms whatsoever about standing up for you, no
matter the issue. What she is doing shows very little respect for you
and already demonstrates that she will run over anything you do or say
when it comes to her enthusiasm about the baby. You need to think about
the future with your child and whether or not this woman is going to
respect any of your parenting decisions, instructions for baby care and
feeding, discipline, etc. when she is visiting or watching the baby.
Don't go down the road of letting her do as she pleases now, and don't
go down the road of not expecting your husband to stand up to his own
family in defense of your choices about parenting.

It was made very clear from very early on to any family member, mine or
his, that we have read and thought and discussed every choice that we
have made and that what we do is not open for commentary. Legitimate
questions are answered succinctly, passive aggressive commentary is not
acknowledged. You are setting yourself up for a long road of
disagreement, frustration, etc. if you don't get your dh on board now
with putting his mother in her place and being wholly on the side of you
and his own child. It may be a bit tense in the beginning, but she needs
to respect you and your wishes to have a positive and fulfilling
relationship with you and the child, and eventually the boundaries will
be easy to understand and live with.

-Karen, mom to Henry 3 1/2 and someone due 4/24/04-

Angela Schepers wrote:


I won't ask DH be a go-between because he wouldn't do it
anyway. He doesn't want to be put in that situation and I don't blame
him.


Why? Obviously, everyone has their own ideas about
what's important in a marriage, but I would *not* want a spouse
who wouldn't stand up for me. Frankly, I wouldn't even expect
to have to ask my husband to tell his mother to lay off. I
would expect that if he knew she was doing it and that it
bothered me, he would decide on his own to go tell her to
stop it simply because it *was* bothering me. (And, of course,
I would do the same if my family were doing something that
bothered him, even if I didn't "get" why it was bothering
him.)

I didn't tell him why I didn't want to go to the party because I
knew he would think it was a stupid and trivial reason and would make
him even more upset at my not wanting to go.


He gets to judge your reasons for not wanting others
to rub your belly? Why shouldn't he just take it at face
value that it's upsetting to you and do something about it?
I don't really get that?

Best wishes,
Ericka