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Rant: the attachment parenting explosion



 
 
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  #1  
Old January 8th 04, 05:51 PM
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Default Rant: the attachment parenting explosion

Ok, since my wife stays home we talked about it at length
and decided to try co-sleeping and alot of other Sear's
recommendations.

What can I say now? At 8months, our DS won't sleep unless
mom is there in bed with him. Sear's recommends that we
keep co-sleeping until the baby asks for their own bed
but because of financial reasons the wife needs to work
and that means either a baby sitter or daycare.

The only problem is he's too attached. As his father,
I can usually soothe him and get him to bed at night but
he's so excited during the day that only his mommy can
calm him and help him nap.

At night, within 60minutes I can get him to bed. My wife
with him can do this in less than a 1/2hr usually.

Actually, he cries hysterically if he's left alone for
more than 10 seconds. I'm guessing that he needs to
gain some level of comfort in being left alone before
we can tackle the sleep problem. No?

Basically, 1st let him build the association that being
alone in a safe area for a little while is a-ok.

I'm reading the "Healty Sleep Habits, Healty Baby" book
by Weisenbaum (think I butchered the title).
  #2  
Old January 8th 04, 06:05 PM
DeliciousTruffles
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Default Rant: the attachment parenting explosion

Nan wrote:


Uhm, this has little to nothing to do with "attachment parenting", as
your "rant" is about.


It sounds more like "seperation anxiety" to me.

It has more to do with your child's temperament than anything else.
If you're looking for options, I've heard positive comments about "The
No Cry Sleep Solution", as well. The author's name escapes me, but
I'm sure you can locate it at a bookstore, or at your library.


Elizabeth Pantley.

--
Brigitte aa #2145
edd #3 February 15, 2004
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/joshuaandkaterina/

"Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare."
~ Harriet Martineau

  #3  
Old January 8th 04, 06:50 PM
calliaz
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Default Rant: the attachment parenting explosion

wrote:

The only problem is he's too attached. As his father,
I can usually soothe him and get him to bed at night but
he's so excited during the day that only his mommy can
calm him and help him nap.

At night, within 60minutes I can get him to bed. My wife
with him can do this in less than a 1/2hr usually.


We only coslept for a very short time and our 10-month-old
is the same as your son. I have a feeling that cosleeping
did not cause your problem. In our house, I suspect that
dad being more "fun" and spending more time playing has
contributed to DS's need for me to put him to sleep. As
another reference point, my best friend (also not a
long-term cosleeper) has problems getting her children to
sleep but her husband has no problems.

Actually, he cries hysterically if he's left alone for
more than 10 seconds. I'm guessing that he needs to
gain some level of comfort in being left alone before
we can tackle the sleep problem. No?


Our DS does the same thing. It's called separation anxiety
and is very normal. Our son is extremely independent and
chooses to play alone often. However, he still has an
instinctual need for us to be there to care and watch him.
It has nothing to do with attachment parenting.

Basically, 1st let him build the association that being
alone in a safe area for a little while is a-ok.

I'm reading the "Healty Sleep Habits, Healty Baby" book
by Weisenbaum (think I butchered the title).


I liked some of the Weisbluth book for the information, but
I also thought that the majority of his "process" was
hooey. I much preferred _The No Cry Sleep Solution_ for
process.

Jennifer in AZ
  #4  
Old January 8th 04, 06:58 PM
toypup
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Posts: n/a
Default the attachment parenting explosion


wrote in message
...
Ok, since my wife stays home we talked about it at length
and decided to try co-sleeping and alot of other Sear's
recommendations.

What can I say now? At 8months, our DS won't sleep unless
mom is there in bed with him. Sear's recommends that we
keep co-sleeping until the baby asks for their own bed
but because of financial reasons the wife needs to work
and that means either a baby sitter or daycare.

The only problem is he's too attached. As his father,
I can usually soothe him and get him to bed at night but
he's so excited during the day that only his mommy can
calm him and help him nap.

At night, within 60minutes I can get him to bed. My wife
with him can do this in less than a 1/2hr usually.


We're pretty AP oriented and DH has always been better at putting DS to
sleep than I. Of course, I could do it by BF'ing, but DS would wake up as
soon as I tried to leave, whereas he slept perfectly for DH. DH could put
DS to bed in 5 minutes flat, whereas it took me up to 45 minutes. I was
shocked the first time I saw him do it. Nowadays, I follow DH's routine.
He was so much better at it than I.

How long have you been at it? Maybe it would just take you some time to get
DS used to a new routine? Try doing the sleep routine differently from your
wife. You may find something that works for you and only you. DH was at a
lost at first because he said he couldn't BF DS to sleep, but he found a
way. Hang in there!


  #5  
Old January 8th 04, 10:28 PM
P. Tierney
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Default the attachment parenting explosion


wrote in message
...
Ok, since my wife stays home we talked about it at length
and decided to try co-sleeping and alot of other Sear's
recommendations.


I don't quite get the "explosion" part of your title. Your
issue is an individual one, not one that has anything to do
with supposed trends. Anyway.....

What can I say now? At 8months, our DS won't sleep unless
mom is there in bed with him. Sear's recommends that we
keep co-sleeping until the baby asks for their own bed
but because of financial reasons the wife needs to work
and that means either a baby sitter or daycare.

The only problem is he's too attached. As his father,
I can usually soothe him and get him to bed at night but
he's so excited during the day that only his mommy can
calm him and help him nap.

At night, within 60minutes I can get him to bed. My wife
with him can do this in less than a 1/2hr usually.


My spouse and I have different ways of getting our
child to sleep. We always have. If using your wife's
way does not work, it may just be because the child
associates that action with his mom. If it doesn't
work for you, then try a different approach, like one
recommended on the thread or in books mentioned.
As long as both parents philospohically agree with
each method, then all should be okay.

Actually, he cries hysterically if he's left alone for
more than 10 seconds. I'm guessing that he needs to
gain some level of comfort in being left alone before
we can tackle the sleep problem. No?


Probably. Such a reaction to being left along
is very common at that age.

Basically, 1st let him build the association that being
alone in a safe area for a little while is a-ok.

I'm reading the "Healty Sleep Habits, Healty Baby" book
by Weisenbaum (think I butchered the title).


Though it didn't work for me, the "No Cry Sleep
Solution" has worked for many others and is a good
resource.


P. Tierney


  #6  
Old January 9th 04, 05:18 AM
toto
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Posts: n/a
Default Rant: the attachment parenting explosion

On Thu, 08 Jan 2004 10:51:30 -0600, wrote:

Actually, he cries hysterically if he's left alone for
more than 10 seconds. I'm guessing that he needs to
gain some level of comfort in being left alone before
we can tackle the sleep problem. No?


8 months is the normal age for separation anxiety and
stranger anxiety. This has nothing at all to do with your
style of parenting or co-sleeping.

So, that said, this is not a good age for mom to start back
to work. If she must, it may be harder for him to adjust,
if you can wait a month or two, I would suggest doing so.
If not, he will adjust, but it will probably be hard on you and
on mom.

He will outgrow this and you can help him cope with
several different strategies.

First, play peekaboo a lot. This will give him the idea of
people going away and coming back.

Second, if you know he cries in 10 seconds, then go out of
the room for about 9 seconds and come back. Lenghthen
the time as he becomes more able to stand the separation.

Third, if he is mobile (crawling or scooting), walk around
where he can see you and come to you. You can even
encourage him to *come to you* and pick him up when he
does and hug or cuddle him.

Fourth, if it's mom he needs, try seeing if he will spend more
time with you while she is in the kitchen cooking or in another
room. She can also call to him from the other room to
reassure him with her voice. If she sings, she can try singing
from the other room - a favorite song of his, perhaps.

Good luck. Remember that this is not only normal, but if
it doesn't happen, you have to worry that the baby is not
learning object permanence. This is a leap of growth and
development and not something that you should try to avoid.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits
  #8  
Old January 9th 04, 02:41 PM
Marty Billingsley
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Posts: n/a
Default Rant: the attachment parenting explosion

In article ,
calliaz wrote:
wrote:

I'm reading the "Healty Sleep Habits, Healty Baby" book
by Weisenbaum (think I butchered the title).


I liked some of the Weisbluth book for the information, but
I also thought that the majority of his "process" was
hooey. I much preferred _The No Cry Sleep Solution_ for
process.


I thought much of the advice in Weisbluth's book was valuable:
setting up a soothing routine (time-limited!), putting the child
in bed and quietly leaving. If the child cries and you're
reasonably sure they don't have a wet/soiled diaper or have
dropped their special blanket/pacifier/whatever on the floor,
you let the kid cry it out.....for up to an hour. If you have
to go back in at any point, you *don't* play with or sing to the
child -- be as boring as you can. This method worked wonders with
my twins. (Although I had to go in and be boring for a few minutes
at 4am today because the girls are still worked up over going back
to preschool now that vacation is over :-()

Many of Weisbluth's observations have proved to be true for my
girls: if they're tired they don't go to sleep as easily and
don't sleep as long. If they're well-rested they will sleep
12 hours a night and take a 2-3 hour nap. The trick for me has
been to be firm about naptime and bedtime; making exceptions (like
during the recent vacation) leads to disrupted sleep for a while.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

- marty
(mom to alex & andie, almost 3)
  #9  
Old January 9th 04, 11:18 PM
calliaz
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Posts: n/a
Default Rant: the attachment parenting explosion

Marty Billingsley wrote:

In article ,
calliaz wrote:
wrote:

I'm reading the "Healty Sleep Habits, Healty Baby" book
by Weisenbaum (think I butchered the title).


I liked some of the Weisbluth book for the information, but
I also thought that the majority of his "process" was
hooey. I much preferred _The No Cry Sleep Solution_ for
process.


I thought much of the advice in Weisbluth's book was valuable:
setting up a soothing routine (time-limited!), putting the child
in bed and quietly leaving. If the child cries and you're
reasonably sure they don't have a wet/soiled diaper or have
dropped their special blanket/pacifier/whatever on the floor,
you let the kid cry it out.....for up to an hour. If you have
to go back in at any point, you *don't* play with or sing to the
child -- be as boring as you can. This method worked wonders with
my twins. (Although I had to go in and be boring for a few minutes
at 4am today because the girls are still worked up over going back
to preschool now that vacation is over :-()


See, I couldn't do crying it out for an hour. However, I
like the soothing/bedtime routine and the being boring
part. I'm not completely against crying it out in a small
measure (for us it depends on the type of cry and we *never*
let him cry in a screaming or frantic way). I think 5 mins
is the longest we have ever went and it might be more like
3.

Our DS gets what I think are night terrors (he's screaming
frantically, standing, and appears to be half-asleep). Just
going in and calming him with some rocking works wonders.
If you left him to cry it out, he'd become wide awake.

Many of Weisbluth's observations have proved to be true for my
girls: if they're tired they don't go to sleep as easily and
don't sleep as long. If they're well-rested they will sleep
12 hours a night and take a 2-3 hour nap. The trick for me has
been to be firm about naptime and bedtime; making exceptions (like
during the recent vacation) leads to disrupted sleep for a while.


This is the part of the book that I really appreciated and
thought was valuable. In the early months, I was very
careful not to let C go longer than 2 hours without trying
to get him to nap. I'm also a big believer in the concept
that better and longer sleep begets better and longer
sleep. I really try to work with DS's natural rhythms to
develop patterns that we can turn into a schedule.

Jennifer in AZ
mom to C, 10 months
  #10  
Old January 10th 04, 05:11 AM
Noreen Cooper
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Posts: n/a
Default Rant: the attachment parenting explosion

wrote:

: What can I say now? At 8months, our DS won't sleep unless
: mom is there in bed with him. Sear's recommends that we
: keep co-sleeping until the baby asks for their own bed
: but because of financial reasons the wife needs to work
: and that means either a baby sitter or daycare.

Some children form stronger sleep associations than others. It's worth
noting Sears did not practice attachment parenting with his first child.

: Actually, he cries hysterically if he's left alone for
: more than 10 seconds. I'm guessing that he needs to
: gain some level of comfort in being left alone before
: we can tackle the sleep problem. No?

This could be temperament-based as well. I now have come to believe AP
was not the best approach for my child's temperament. He is
temperamentally a fearful child and (sorry) but all the 24/7 nursing or
cosleeping isn't going to make a temperamentally fearful child less
fearful. Some people are just that way in life: more geared up for
anxiety than others.

: I'm reading the "Healty Sleep Habits, Healty Baby" book
: by Weisenbaum (think I butchered the title).

You're probably swinging the pendulum over too far in the other direction,
going from AP to Weisenbaum. Ferber's approach is more in the middle.

Here is my getting-close-to being-dated sleep bibliography:

Cuthbertson, Joanne. Helping your child sleep through the night / Joanne
Cuthbertson and Susie Schevill. Garden City, NY: Doubleday & Company,
Inc., c1985.
Step-by-step instructions on how to resolve common sleep problems for
each age group, from birth through age five. Topics such as frequent
night nursings in an older baby, delayed bedtimes for toddlers, and moving
an older child out of the family bed a re discussed.

Ferber, Richard, M.D. Solve your child's sleep problems. New York: Simon
and Schuster, c1985.
The very first book ever written for parents by a sleep medicine
specialist on how to solve children's sleep problems. Dr. Ferber details
both the medical and habitual causes of the most common sleep problems,
providing solutions based on scientific r esearch.

Golbin, Alexander Z., M.D. The world of children's sleep: parent's
guide.
Michaelis Med, c1995.
More of a descriptive rather than prescriptive text on children's sleep
problems and disorders. A short history of children's sleep medicine is
provided along with descriptions of the most common sleep problems for
each age group.

Huntley, Rebecca. The sleep book for tired parents: Help for solving
children's sleep problems. Seattle: Parenting Press, Inc., 1991.
In a pro and con format, the author describes four basic approaches for
solving childen's sleep problems. Asserting that sleep problems are as
unique as the individuals involved, she describes the Family Bed approach,
the Cry it Out approach, the Teaching in Small Steps approach, and the
Living With It approach; allowing parents to choose the method best suited
for their particular situation.

Lansky, Vicki. Getting your child to sleep...and back to sleep.
Deephaven, MN: The Book Peddlers, c1991.
Details common reasons for nightwakings; focusing mostly on infants,
older babies, and toddlers. Provides some helpful suggestions on coping
with the loss of sleep.

Mindell, Jodi A., Ph.D. Sleeping through the night: How infants,
toddlers, _and_ their parents can get a good night's sleep. New York:
HarperPerennial, 1997.
This book provides practical techniques and tips on how to get infants
and toddlers to sleep through the night. The final section provides help
for parents who develop sleep problems of their own as a result of their
child's chronic nightwakings.

Sears, William, M.D. Nighttime parenting: how to get your baby and child
to sleep. Franklin Park, IL: La Leche League International, c1985.
Pediatrican and proponent of attachment parenting, Dr. Sears explains
how infant sleep cycles differ from adults and that very young children
should not be expected to sleep through the night. Sears outlines various
solutions to cope with sleepless infants, such as "Nighttime Fathering,"
where fathers are encouraged to take a more active role in soothing the
baby back to sleep.

Thevenin, Tine. The family bed: an age-old concept in childrearing.
Minneapolis, MN: Tine Thevenin, c1976.
Testimonies from La Leche League members on the positive aspects of
co-sleeping. Other chapters compare the family bed cross-culturally and
offer co-sleeping as a solution for frequent night wakings.

Weissbluth, Marc., M.D. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Fawcett,
c1987.
This book emphasizes the importance of good sleep habits, asserting a
direct cause-and-effect relationship between disturbed sleep and fitful,
fussy behaviors in infants and young children. Chapters are divided by
age group from infancy through adult, with thorough attention paid to
solving sleep problems for older children and adolescents. How parents'
attitudes and behaviors contribute to their child's frequent nightwakings
is also discussed.


Medical Textbooks:

Clinical handbook of sleep disorders in children / edited by Charles E.
Schaefer. Northvale, N.J.: J. Aronson, c1995.

Principles and practice of sleep medicine in the child / [edited by]
Richard Ferber, Meir Kryger. Philadelphia: Saunders, c1995.
The seminal textbook in the field of children's sleep medicine
research.

Sheldon, Stephen H. Evaluating sleep in infants and children.
Philadelphia: Lippincott-Raven, c1996.

Sheldon, Stephen H. Pediatric sleep medicine / Stephen H. Sheldon,
Jean-Paul Spire, Howard B. Levy. Philadelphia: Saunders, c1992.

Sleep and its disorders in children / editor, Christian Guilleminault.
New York: Raven Press, c1987.


Noreen
 




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