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Sleep Crisis with 21-month old daughter



 
 
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  #1  
Old January 17th 05, 02:09 AM
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Default Sleep Crisis with 21-month old daughter

My wife and I have a problem which shouldn't be a huge crisis, but has
turned into something terrible.

When we adopted our daughter almost 2 years ago, we used the Dr. Sears
book as our main guide and so our daughter has always slept in our bed
and although there have been some issues, this has worked out somewhat
until now. I should also explain that she does not know how to lay
down on the bed and fall asleep--we have always walked her down and
carried her to bed after she has fallen asleep. I now believe our
whole approach was deeply flawed, but still we have gotten by so far.

Then I caught a cold and a few days later (naturally) all three of us
had it. Then my daughter started changing her normal way in bed.
Usually, my wife carries her into the bedroom about midnight (way too
late, I know) and lays down on the bed with my daughter laying on her
shoulder for a few minutes, then shifts her off her shoulder onto the
place next to her. The problem is that my daughter is now being very
resistant to being shifted onto her own place on the bed. She may wake
up during this shift and start crying and demand that my wife pick her
up and carry her around. Or she will make the initial transition, but
will wake up a couple hours later, start crying and demand that my wife
pick her up and carry her around. When you pick her up and walk her
around she seems to sleep on the shoulder. But then when my wife tries
to get back into bed, either my daughter wakes up and again cries and
demands to be picked up and carried by my wife, or, successfully makes
the transition to her own spot, but wakes up 2 (for example) hours
later and goes through the whole rigmarole.

When my daughter cries for this it is not just a whiny demand--she
seems genuinely distressed. I have spent several mornings carrying her
around from 8am to 10 or 10:30 (about her normal get up time) so my
wife can sleep uninterrupted those last 2 or 3 hours but this is taking
a toll on me. When I try to lay her in the bed when she seems to be
sound asleep in my arms, this is usually unsuccessful (strangely, I
have pretty good success at doing this in the afternoon when putting
her down for a nap).

It seems to me the solution is going to have to involve letting her cry
for some time when she wakes up and does this (by the way, she still
has a little bit of a cough and stuffy nose still, but her cold is not
particularly bad now). My wife is very hesistant to let her cry (as am
I) but we need a real solution that 1) works, and 2) does not
traumatize our daughter.

I am appealing to anyone with a solution or suggestion on what we
should do to get help. Thanks.

Paul

  #2  
Old January 17th 05, 02:29 AM
Kevin Karplus
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In article . com,
wrote:
It seems to me the solution is going to have to involve letting her cry
for some time when she wakes up and does this (by the way, she still
has a little bit of a cough and stuffy nose still, but her cold is not
particularly bad now). My wife is very hesistant to let her cry (as am
I) but we need a real solution that 1) works, and 2) does not
traumatize our daughter.

I am appealing to anyone with a solution or suggestion on what we
should do to get help. Thanks.


You will probably get lots of conflicting advice, as everyone has
different ideas about what kids that age *should* be doing.

We went through similar sleep problems with my son at a somewhat
earlier age, where he had to be carried for hours before he'd fall
asleep. My wife and I alternated nights, so that neither of us got
enormously sleep-deprived (though neither of us got enough sleep for
about 18 months).

If your daughter has a cold, it may the switch from vertical to
horizontal that wakes her as mucus changes position in her nasal
passages or sinus. Try getting her to sleep in a sling while
you sit, so that your hands are free to hold a book. You could also
try sleeping sitting up, though this is not much better than staying
awake (as thousands of coach-class airline passengers can attest).
A rocking chair may help lull her.

------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin Karplus
http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
(Senior member, IEEE) (Board of Directors, ISCB)
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Affiliations for identification only.

  #3  
Old January 17th 05, 04:02 AM
Robyn Kozierok
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You might find the "No Cry Sleep Solution" (book) helpful. IIRC, it is
more geared toward infants, but it does have suggestions for transitioning
between various sleep arrangements too.

BUT... I would say that you should just "tough it out" during her
illness, and work on changes once she is feeling better.


Good luck,
--Robyn

  #4  
Old January 17th 05, 04:03 AM
Beth Kevles
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Hi -

Under the circumstances, I'd take your daughter to the ped. to see if
she has an earache or other treatable infection. It may be that she's
very stuffy and needs a intranasal decongestant before bed. (Do NOT use
an OTC decongestant; we learned the hard way that these can keep a small
child awake and wired ALL night.) Or it may be an actual ear infection,
or strep, or something.

--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

  #5  
Old January 17th 05, 04:55 AM
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We took her in a week ago and the doctor found no ear infection and
just though it was a cold that was progressing okay. But maybe we
should go again. Thanks.

Paul

  #6  
Old January 24th 05, 12:48 AM
A Mighty Fun Time
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I am not sure how well this will work, as I am unsure of the age of
your daughter...you mentioned you adopted her two years ago but this
does not tell me the age.

Anyway if she is four or older the first thing you need to do is sit
down with her and talk about why she does not want to sleep in her own
bed. Make sure you take whatever she says very serious but also make
sure she does not exaggerate anything.

Once you know this then remind them how big they are now and how proud
you are of the big kid things she has been doing. Things such as
helping to clean their room, behave so good in stores and so on. Leave
the conversation with them feeling happy and proud.

Next you will need to create a list that they will be able to look at.
The list will have four steps that you expect your child to do and
beside each step you will have a reward. Examples might be
1. dishes in sink after supper
2. pajamas on as soon as asked (no asking twice)
3.Teeth brushed
4. In own bed with lights out 8:00.

The rewards should be activities she loves to do, and have a really
special something for the number 4 step. With the list put together you
will sit down with her and ask how she likes to do each of the special
rewards you have down. Then tell her that she can have each one of
these everyday if she does each one of the steps everyday. Make the
rules very clear and ensure you highlight the rewards. Make sure the
biggest (most important) behavior change is the one that has the most
worthwhile reward - in other words sleeping in her own bed is the
biggest reward getter.

Hope this helps

Jason -
Hundreds of free activities, crafts and educational resources
http://www.funpreschooleractivities.com

  #7  
Old January 24th 05, 12:48 AM
A Mighty Fun Time
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I am not sure how well this will work, as I am unsure of the age of
your daughter...you mentioned you adopted her two years ago but this
does not tell me the age.

Anyway if she is four or older the first thing you need to do is sit
down with her and talk about why she does not want to sleep in her own
bed. Make sure you take whatever she says very serious but also make
sure she does not exaggerate anything.

Once you know this then remind them how big they are now and how proud
you are of the big kid things she has been doing. Things such as
helping to clean their room, behave so good in stores and so on. Leave
the conversation with them feeling happy and proud.

Next you will need to create a list that they will be able to look at.
The list will have four steps that you expect your child to do and
beside each step you will have a reward. Examples might be
1. dishes in sink after supper
2. pajamas on as soon as asked (no asking twice)
3.Teeth brushed
4. In own bed with lights out 8:00.

The rewards should be activities she loves to do, and have a really
special something for the number 4 step. With the list put together you
will sit down with her and ask how she likes to do each of the special
rewards you have down. Then tell her that she can have each one of
these everyday if she does each one of the steps everyday. Make the
rules very clear and ensure you highlight the rewards. Make sure the
biggest (most important) behavior change is the one that has the most
worthwhile reward - in other words sleeping in her own bed is the
biggest reward getter.

Hope this helps

Jason -
Hundreds of free activities, crafts and educational resources
http://www.funpreschooleractivities.com

  #8  
Old January 24th 05, 07:11 PM
Tea_Gal
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I feel your pain!
My husband and I are facing a similar problem with our 13 month old
daughter. We also were big believers in the Sears book but have begun
to realize that having our daughter share our bed is not working out
well for ANY of us and we are all having restless nights. We also
would hold her in our arms or laps until she fell asleep and then take
her up to bed with us. It has just progressed to the point that none
of us are sleeping through the night anymore! The clincher was when I
caught Friday's episode of Oprah (of all things!) featuring the nanny
911 lady. One of the families had a 3 year old who would scream bloody
murder, refuse to go to bed, and climb right out of his crib. I
decided right then, horrified at what I saw, that it was time to
transition our little girl into her own bed at night. We are
approaching day three of our attempt to get her to sleep in her crib-
it hasn't been easy by any means, but we are not ready to give up yet.
Here's what we're doing:

1. Same pre-bed routine each night, consisting of picking up toys,
bath, brushing teeth, pajamas on, lights down, read a few stories, rock
for about 5 minutes and then once she is getting sleepy we put her
into bed. (Our goal is in bed between 8 or 8:30 as opposed to our old
routine, where she sometimes would be up until midnight!)

2. Turn on the fisher price aquarium in her crib, a drink of water, her
passifier, blanky, and babydoll and put her into the crib. Then turn
the lights off. (She starts crying as soon as she goes in the crib.)

3. My husband and I take turns sitting in a chair in her dark room
next to her until she falls asleep.

The first night it took about 25 minutes. Last night she fell asleep
in less than 10 minutes, but then woke up an hour later and it was an
1.5 hour marathon of crying. However, once she falls asleep she has
been in her bed all night, waking only 1 or 2 times for a drink of
water.

Our plan is to gradually move further away from her crib to get her to
sleep until we finally can tuck her in and leave the room without the
crying ordeal. I'll let you know how it goes for us! It has been
heartbreaking, but I know that it's best for all of us. We still take
naps together in our bed, but we are establishing that night time is
"sleep in your own bed" time.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do. Please do check in
with your pediatrician, and keep us posted with how things work out.
Sincerely,
--Kitt

Kitt Draheim,
Independent Consultant, Let's Do Tea
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
GOT TEA?
Explore the world of gourmet loose teas- with tantalizing ingredients
like organic black, green, and rooibos tea leaves, dried exotic fruits,
shredded coconut, even chocolate chips! Contact me for a catalog or
business information. Let's Do Tea!

  #9  
Old January 28th 05, 06:22 AM
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Hi, she's 22 months old and I think is a bit young for your suggestion,
but thanks anyway.

Paul J.

 




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