is it me? (long)

"toypup" wrote in message
It wasn't that I couldn't go on short notice. It was that I would have
gone expecting my brother to be there, expecting him to expect me to
come, and he would not have known I was invited over.

So you ignore your dad and you call the person yourself to find out the
plans and you act accordingly. Not so hard at all. If your dad says
anything, then you can just say that you called about the plans and you
followed what the host wanted you to do.

Also, it sounds like your mom wants more time with your kids, so perhaps you
should bite the bullet and spend some time with her and the kids. You don't
have to let the kids be there by themselves, but at least let her see them.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

toypup wrote:

Not really. The problem is that he is fully offended that I am the only
one in the family who doesn't jump when he says jump. I am the only one
who will tell him I'm too busy or what not. I don't make up excuses,
but if I can't go, I let him know. I don't have a problem setting
boundaries in that way. I plainly told him he should not invite me to
my brother's house when he doesn't know if my brother will be home and
that is what he exploded over.

But that's your problem. You're not going to get out
of this rut as long as you're telling him what to do. Don't
do that. You can decline, or, if you want to go but need to
check things out, then stall for time until you can find out
the information you need (e.g., "Let me check my calendar/
check with family/whatever and I'll get back to you in a couple
minutes"). You don't need to engage him over what he's doing
right or wrong.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Banty wrote:

I wonder how it would work one the same day as the invite (or demand). One
would be expected to know the day's plans on that day.

Eh, there's usually *something* you can check--check with
another family member, check to see if the kids are up to it,
check to see if Suzie has a fever, check to see if you can get
the roast in on time, check to see if you can get someone to
let the dog out, etc. etc. etc. Especially if you have kids,
you can usually manufacture something (I promised Suzie a
trip to the park this afternoon, so I'll have to see if she's
willing to re-negotiate that...).

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
toypup wrote:

Not really. The problem is that he is fully offended that I am the only
one in the family who doesn't jump when he says jump. I am the only one
who will tell him I'm too busy or what not. I don't make up excuses, but
if I can't go, I let him know. I don't have a problem setting boundaries
in that way. I plainly told him he should not invite me to my brother's
house when he doesn't know if my brother will be home and that is what he
exploded over.

But that's your problem. You're not going to get out
of this rut as long as you're telling him what to do. Don't
do that. You can decline, or, if you want to go but need to
check things out, then stall for time until you can find out
the information you need (e.g., "Let me check my calendar/
check with family/whatever and I'll get back to you in a couple
minutes"). You don't need to engage him over what he's doing
right or wrong.

I could tell him let me check if my brother is free but I wouldn't make
something up. That is something I try hard not to do. It's hard with my
dad, because anything short of total agreement makes him unhappy. I have to
do it, though, just to keep myself sane.

toypup wrote:


"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
toypup wrote:

Not really. The problem is that he is fully offended that I am the
only one in the family who doesn't jump when he says jump. I am the
only one who will tell him I'm too busy or what not. I don't make up
excuses, but if I can't go, I let him know. I don't have a problem
setting boundaries in that way. I plainly told him he should not
invite me to my brother's house when he doesn't know if my brother
will be home and that is what he exploded over.

But that's your problem. You're not going to get out
of this rut as long as you're telling him what to do. Don't
do that. You can decline, or, if you want to go but need to
check things out, then stall for time until you can find out
the information you need (e.g., "Let me check my calendar/
check with family/whatever and I'll get back to you in a couple
minutes"). You don't need to engage him over what he's doing
right or wrong.

I could tell him let me check if my brother is free but I wouldn't make
something up. That is something I try hard not to do. It's hard with
my dad, because anything short of total agreement makes him unhappy. I
have to do it, though, just to keep myself sane.

Then come up with a phrase that will buy you time without
making you feel like you're lying. The in-your-face truth is the
sort of thing that throws sand in the gears of social machinery.
Don't tell him that you're going to check with your brother.
That's just a passive aggressive way of telling him you don't
trust him, and it's just as likely to set him off. "Checking
your schedule" or "checking your calendar" or whatnot are
acceptable social fictions that help convey messages without
rubbing people's noses in them.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Then come up with a phrase that will buy you time without
making you feel like you're lying. The in-your-face truth is the
sort of thing that throws sand in the gears of social machinery.
Don't tell him that you're going to check with your brother.
That's just a passive aggressive way of telling him you don't
trust him, and it's just as likely to set him off.

I don't, but you're right.

"Checking
your schedule" or "checking your calendar" or whatnot are
acceptable social fictions that help convey messages without
rubbing people's noses in them.

I can say "check my schedule," but in his mind, I don't think it's any
better. He'd be upset unless I give an enthusiastic "yes, sir!" Anytime
I've given any answer other than yes, he's unhappy, though he doesn't
usually blow up. He can get pretty upset, though. He's just used to giving
orders and people taking them.

In article , toypup says...



"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
toypup wrote:

Not really. The problem is that he is fully offended that I am the only
one in the family who doesn't jump when he says jump. I am the only one
who will tell him I'm too busy or what not. I don't make up excuses, but
if I can't go, I let him know. I don't have a problem setting boundaries
in that way. I plainly told him he should not invite me to my brother's
house when he doesn't know if my brother will be home and that is what he
exploded over.

But that's your problem. You're not going to get out
of this rut as long as you're telling him what to do. Don't
do that. You can decline, or, if you want to go but need to
check things out, then stall for time until you can find out
the information you need (e.g., "Let me check my calendar/
check with family/whatever and I'll get back to you in a couple
minutes"). You don't need to engage him over what he's doing
right or wrong.

I could tell him let me check if my brother is free but I wouldn't make
something up. That is something I try hard not to do. It's hard with my
dad, because anything short of total agreement makes him unhappy. I have to
do it, though, just to keep myself sane.


You do have to learn how to do that - how to make an excuse to give yourself the
room you need to either check things out or not go if you don't want to. Don't
tell him you're checking with your brother (or whatever in future situation) -
that's telling him you're checking on what he says. You *are*, but, again, the
idea is not to get into these argu...*discussions* with him.

I had a lot of problem with that concept, too, thinking it was "lying". And i
was causing very similar problems for myself.

But when you learn to look at the *result*, and how far it goes to promote
harmony and sanity for yourself and others, little excuses and "white lies" are
a good thing, not a bad thing. And people use them, and even expect to hear
them all the time. It's just a part of human affairs. Sane people learn to
read between the lines and accept when the real answer is "no", less tuned in
folks don't catch on but that's OK.

Another thing you can do, if your siblings have insight into the problem, is to
make it a practice to have you call each other ahead of time about any plans
that may be coming up, so no one's real plans get bent around by Dad saying this
is going to happen that's going to happen. But that only works if the brother
sees it the way you do.

Banty

In article , toypup says...



"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Then come up with a phrase that will buy you time without
making you feel like you're lying. The in-your-face truth is the
sort of thing that throws sand in the gears of social machinery.
Don't tell him that you're going to check with your brother.
That's just a passive aggressive way of telling him you don't
trust him, and it's just as likely to set him off.

I don't, but you're right.

"Checking
your schedule" or "checking your calendar" or whatnot are
acceptable social fictions that help convey messages without
rubbing people's noses in them.

I can say "check my schedule," but in his mind, I don't think it's any
better. He'd be upset unless I give an enthusiastic "yes, sir!" Anytime
I've given any answer other than yes, he's unhappy, though he doesn't
usually blow up. He can get pretty upset, though. He's just used to giving
orders and people taking them.


Then let him get upset. You're a big girl, you don't have to do what he says,
and he's a big boy; he'll have to deal.

If you no longer give him openings to hassle you about it, he may back off.

Banty

toypup wrote:


"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Then come up with a phrase that will buy you time without
making you feel like you're lying. The in-your-face truth is the
sort of thing that throws sand in the gears of social machinery.
Don't tell him that you're going to check with your brother.
That's just a passive aggressive way of telling him you don't
trust him, and it's just as likely to set him off.

I don't, but you're right.

"Checking
your schedule" or "checking your calendar" or whatnot are
acceptable social fictions that help convey messages without
rubbing people's noses in them.

I can say "check my schedule," but in his mind, I don't think it's any
better. He'd be upset unless I give an enthusiastic "yes, sir!"
Anytime I've given any answer other than yes, he's unhappy, though he
doesn't usually blow up. He can get pretty upset, though. He's just
used to giving orders and people taking them.

The difference is that you have an absolute right to
"check your schedule" but it's not polite to backtalk him.
Keep it about you, and not about him. You probably won't
make him happy, but he won't have anything to throw back
in your face. You don't need to make him happy, but it
helps to keep from muddying the waters with issues that are
non-productive.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Banty" wrote in message
...
Another thing you can do, if your siblings have insight into the problem,
is to
make it a practice to have you call each other ahead of time about any
plans
that may be coming up, so no one's real plans get bent around by Dad
saying this
is going to happen that's going to happen. But that only works if the
brother
sees it the way you do.

My brother is actually pretty good about it. If he even has an inkling that
my dad is planning something a week from now (my dad does plan ahead, he
just doesn't tell anyone), he lets me know so I can be somewhat prepared, if
I want to participate (like when my cousin came to town). If my dad plans
something with me and tells him, my brother lets me know because he knows my
dad won't tell me until the last minute. I can't much do it the other way
around, because I don't live as close to him and don't see him everyday;
although I did call him about the plans for the party, which my brother
didn't know about. Many times, though, the actual plans aren't sprung on us
until the day of the event, even if we know something's cooking (which we
often don't).