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#1
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
This year, mothers day commercials are putting me over the edge.
I have always watched them in the past & thought 'gee it would be nice to have that kind of relationship with my mom' but I still buy her flowers & a card, because she is my mom, right? But what do you do when 'cringe' at mothers day commercials & the thought of it all? My mom & I have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, but almost always seem to keep it together, especially for holidays & such. I do admire my mom for her knowledge of things. She's kind of a "renaissance woman" of sorts. I call her for advice because she knows alot, but sometimes she thinks knows some things when she doesn't, also. We get into stupid arguments and her big problem is she cannot just 'let things go'. She has to dwell on negatives & pick at every mistake I make, even when I realize the mistake & correct myself. She also tends to give advice, and pushes the advice on you like a warthog, weather asked for or not. She totally loves DS and I don't want to take that away from her. The problem is, things have gotten worse lately. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to call her at all. Not even to tell her how DS is doing, etc... When I was in college it also got pretty bad, so bad that I wrote "don't call" on a piece of paper & taped it to my phone just so when I'd pick up the phone it would remind me not to call her because I knew that inevitably that we would get into a fight for some stupid, silly reason. I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or sympathy, I just have 'had it' & want to get it off my chest. DH is pretty supportive, but he's a guy & just tells me "well, you don't have to call her". That cannot go on forever! There's gonna be a point where she will eventually call me, or I will have to call her for some reason (how bouts the birth of DS#2, ya think!?!) Some of you might say, this all seems to be little & petty, but when every single conversation ends up in her belittling me for some reason or another, and I end up frustrated, or crying (like today) I don't think I can handle it anymore. Ohh, if I were to confront her about it, she would deny anything is her fault. It's happened before. She has blatantly told me in the past that I cause all the fights. She would get very defensive & argue tooth & nail about how I cause the fights. Mostly her reasoning is usually taken from how I react to her rudeness & behavior, etc... If you were in this situation, what would you do? I guess I am looking for advice |
#2
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
"Denise~*" wrote in message m... This year, mothers day commercials are putting me over the edge. I have always watched them in the past & thought 'gee it would be nice to have that kind of relationship with my mom' but I still buy her flowers & a card, because she is my mom, right? But what do you do when 'cringe' at mothers day commercials & the thought of it all? My mom & I have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, but almost always seem to keep it together, especially for holidays & such. I do admire my mom for her knowledge of things. She's kind of a "renaissance woman" of sorts. I call her for advice because she knows alot, but sometimes she thinks knows some things when she doesn't, also. We get into stupid arguments and her big problem is she cannot just 'let things go'. She has to dwell on negatives & pick at every mistake I make, even when I realize the mistake & correct myself. She also tends to give advice, and pushes the advice on you like a warthog, weather asked for or not. She totally loves DS and I don't want to take that away from her. The problem is, things have gotten worse lately. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to call her at all. Not even to tell her how DS is doing, etc... When I was in college it also got pretty bad, so bad that I wrote "don't call" on a piece of paper & taped it to my phone just so when I'd pick up the phone it would remind me not to call her because I knew that inevitably that we would get into a fight for some stupid, silly reason. I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or sympathy, I just have 'had it' & want to get it off my chest. DH is pretty supportive, but he's a guy & just tells me "well, you don't have to call her". That cannot go on forever! There's gonna be a point where she will eventually call me, or I will have to call her for some reason (how bouts the birth of DS#2, ya think!?!) Some of you might say, this all seems to be little & petty, but when every single conversation ends up in her belittling me for some reason or another, and I end up frustrated, or crying (like today) I don't think I can handle it anymore. Ohh, if I were to confront her about it, she would deny anything is her fault. It's happened before. She has blatantly told me in the past that I cause all the fights. She would get very defensive & argue tooth & nail about how I cause the fights. Mostly her reasoning is usually taken from how I react to her rudeness & behavior, etc... If you were in this situation, what would you do? I guess I am looking for advice I think you and I are long lost sisters then. My mother is similar. In addition to all this has a poor me attitude regardless of any situation and loves to be the centre of all attention only to say she isn't like that. She makes me feel so bad about myself some times, I am physically sick. A few years ago, I ended up seeing a shrink that said the entire room is full of her and her problems when I am around so I never had a chance to express my own emotions... if that makes sense. It's always about her. She too has told me I cause all the fights and I am nasty etc... I wish I could give you some advice but that would mean I'd feel better too and I don't. The thing is, when I do give her a mother's day card, she immediately looks at the price on the back ... always has then will literally toss it aside. A while later will say how she never buys cards because they are such a waste of money. I haven't had a birthday card in YEARS. All in all, I guess what I've come to realize is, for someone that old or someone that set in their ways, there is no changing them but you can try (and I mean try) to help how it affects you. Sorry I can't help more. Good luck and Happy Mothers Day to YOU |
#3
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
"Denise~*" wrote in message m... This year, mothers day commercials are putting me over the edge. I have always watched them in the past & thought 'gee it would be nice to have that kind of relationship with my mom' but I still buy her flowers & a card, because she is my mom, right? Hm... I've never really noticed too many commercials for Mother's Day... Then again, don't watch all that much TV. I picked up a pack of those outdoor patio solar lights that my brother still owes me half for But what do you do when 'cringe' at mothers day commercials & the thought of it all? I'll change the Mother's Day commercials to those silly technical colleges that are constantly on the New York area channel... Every commercial is for some technical institute or another, and it's bang, bang, bang for those! My mom & I have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, but almost always seem to keep it together, especially for holidays & such. Sounds like the relationship I have with my mom... I do admire my mom for her knowledge of things. She's kind of a "renaissance woman" of sorts. I call her for advice because she knows alot, but sometimes she thinks knows some things when she doesn't, also. We get into stupid arguments and her big problem is she cannot just 'let things go'. She has to dwell on negatives & pick at every mistake I make, even when I realize the mistake & correct myself. She also tends to give advice, and pushes the advice on you like a warthog, weather asked for or not. She totally loves DS and I don't want to take that away from her. Yes, that's my problem, I think, as well. You can tell my mom the grass is green, but if she wants it to be purple, it will be. No debates. It's frustrating. I find she tends to hang on to the negative as well. Point out the wrong and bad no matter what, but yes, she does love the kids and that is something that I know is good. She has a good relationship with them and I know she'd really do anything for them, aside from admitting grass really is green. The problem is, things have gotten worse lately. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to call her at all. Not even to tell her how DS is doing, etc... When I was in college it also got pretty bad, so bad that I wrote "don't call" on a piece of paper & taped it to my phone just so when I'd pick up the phone it would remind me not to call her because I knew that inevitably that we would get into a fight for some stupid, silly reason. There's times when I see she's calling and I debate on answering or not. Almost every time I do, and a simple conversation about something small can often turn into a phone call that I just want to slam the phone down on. Or, I will call with a simple question or looking for a simple bit of advice and I get an earful about that, or something totally unrelated... "Oh! He ALWAYS picks up his toys at MY house. Why can't he do that at home?? It's such a disaster!" or, "Why do you need more junk?? You have so much sh*t you don't need more garbage in the house! That's so useless and just what you need, isn't it?" (this happened last weekend when I was given an aquarium for free from a lady, and it was a custom built, large tank fit into an old cabinet-style TV box.) My grandma even had to go out to the truck before she went home to come back in and say how ugly, banged up and gross it was, yet I knew before that this thing could possibly use a sanding down and refinishing, just to look pretty... Something I thought would and could be a fun thing to do with time. So stupid and pointless, yet there was a fight rated at 7. I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or sympathy, I just have 'had it' & want to get it off my chest. DH is pretty supportive, but he's a guy & just tells me "well, you don't have to call her". That cannot go on forever! There's gonna be a point where she will eventually call me, or I will have to call her for some reason (how bouts the birth of DS#2, ya think!?!) Yes, guys usually have great advice. lol DH is the same. Just don't call. Just let the answering machine get it. Just don't go there... Problem is, we're there often. Every Saturday for sure, anyways, as DS has dance class on her side of the city, so she often takes him or comes along. Oh, his shirt is dirty, oh, his socks are waaaay too big. Well, I just tell her, sorry, I don't crawl under his bed to round up his laundry when I remind him every day to put dirty laundry in the basket in his room that's provided. Socks? Well, my mom bought those socks that I often sit down and question if they're DSs or DHs socks! It can sometimes turn into a fight between DS and I if I tell him to change his socks, as no, he wants *those* socks. Whatever. They're socks. Some of you might say, this all seems to be little & petty, but when every single conversation ends up in her belittling me for some reason or another, and I end up frustrated, or crying (like today) I don't think I can handle it anymore. In a way it is all little and petty, and even sometimes stupid. I kind of know where you're coming from, and I find that I have very little to offer as far as advice go, but you do have my sympathy and understanding, if that helps... Sometimes talking gets nowhere, other than into another heated discussion, and sometimes not talking gets nowhere, other than a delayed heated discussion. Ohh, if I were to confront her about it, she would deny anything is her fault. It's happened before. She has blatantly told me in the past that I cause all the fights. She would get very defensive & argue tooth & nail about how I cause the fights. Mostly her reasoning is usually taken from how I react to her rudeness & behavior, etc... Haha maybe we just have the same mom... It's my fault that I can't keep the house in perfect order because I really don't have anything better to do than constantly pick up after the kids. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning - that's what I need to spend my entire time doing, I guess, which obviously isn't really possible... There's other things in life, and I figure if it's cluttered yet not dirty, there's a big difference right there. Toys all over are better than food rotting on the tables and counters or whatever, I think... I find that when I get someone being rude to me, I tend to go back with a rude reaction. Probably not right, but when I get it, I find that I get rude as well without being able to help it, maybe. If you were in this situation, what would you do? I really don't know, as I have very little advice for myself... Would maybe writing a letter be possible? Write a letter and drop it off in the mail no matter if she lives far or close. Figure out about how long it would take for a hand written letter to get to her and then maybe make big plans to be out and about on the day or couple days surrounding that day the letter should arrive to her (so you have a valid excuse as to why you weren't around had she decided to call you) and then it's like, 'Oh, I'm sorry, we were out' and not, 'Oh, my apologies. I was avoiding you and didn't pick up the phone when I was home.' Maybe a letter is more personal than an email, for example, and I find with letters, you can sit down and gather your own thoughts and say things properly without being forced to reply in the moment (as with a phone call or face to face) With letters, a person can sit down and take the time to read and have some time to react and possibly think about their own reactions. If you just sit down and even write a whole novel or graphing calculator bible, then you can just get it all out in the open. You can simply say you're writing to give you time to gather up your own thoughts and emotions, rather than react on a fly. There won't be a reaction from her at the drop of a pin and if she does still anyways and picks that phone up to give you and earful, at least you'll be out at the park, down at the mall, having a nice dinner, whatever. She'll have more time to digest everything and maybe - MAYBE - be able to react and respond in a responsible, mature and proper manner. Time to cool off if she really doesn't like reading that you don't like something she has said and done, or says and does. I guess I am looking for advice I'm horrible for advice, especially when I probably am the last person who should offer advice! Maybe a letter? |
#4
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
Denise~* wrote:
If you were in this situation, what would you do? I guess I am looking for advice Thank goodness I am not in that situation, because I can see that it would be really, really frustrating. I don't think there's any easy answer here, and certainly not one that's likely to feel very satisfying to you. I *think* what I'd do is: 1) Don't take it personally. You know you mother has some issues, for whatever reason, that cause her to do this. You can't stop her from doing it, but you *can*, to some extent, control your reaction to what she does. When you have an obstinate toddler who's pushing every button you have, you know not to take that personally and realize that they're two and that's just the way it is. You don't let that behavior make you feel bad about yourself. You just try to find effective ways to cope. You can do the same here. Don't give you mother the power to affect how you feel about yourself. You might feel sad that your relationship has difficulties, or annoyed that she persists in this behavior, but you don't have to take her criticisms to heart. Even when there may be a grain of truth to them, you can elect to take the constructive part of the criticism and ignore the rest. 2) You can try to engage in a bit of behavior modification. For instance, if she starts in on an argument, you can say, "Sorry, Mom, but I don't really feel like arguing right now. We'll just have to agree to disagree." If she keeps on, then say, "Mom, I'm not going to argue now. I'll talk to you later" and hang up the phone (and ignore any callbacks). If you're with her, gather up your stuff and leave. Don't put yourself in positions where you can't leave. Resist the temptation to throw in a parting shot where you try to "win" or make additional jabs about how her behavior is inappropriate. She can't fight with you if you're not there. Repeat ad nauseam, always starting with a clean slate (i.e., don't pick up the argument next time, and keep giving her a chance not to get into it with you). This will likely make her mad, but at least it preserves a way out of the situation whenever she chooses to stop the behavior and it lowers your frustration level because you have a plan and you're working fiercely not to take her criticisms personally. Best wishes, Ericka |
#5
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
I don't think you are being little or petty.
My husband's mother is extremely like this, and we have *very* limited contact. She was trying to manipulate us and get in between us (just to hurt my dh), and my husband put his foot down and said "no more". He has told them repeatedly that when they are willing to sit down and discuss the issues between them and work toward having a better relationship then they can contact him then. That was 7.5 years ago. We attempted reconciliation (me begging his dad to get his mom to talk to us about stuff--once before his sister's wedding, and once directly to her when I was pg) in person once March and April of 2005. She became verbally abusive, and he decided to cut off contact completely except mail. That became verbally abusive, so he now sends everything unopened "Return to Sender" on it. If they really want to contact us, we told them repeatedly that they can send a real note (not just forwards) via email or call us directly. They have chosen to do neither. So they have never met their grandson by their choice. While it is a cruddy situation, I am grateful to my husband for making all the decisions (even when I felt they were extreme). I have been spared *tons* of hurtful comments and snide remarks (although she hides it well in public usually), and my son feels positively towards Grandmama and Granddaddy because while he doesn't ever see them, he knows them through photos and such as the people who send him presents on his birthday and at Christmas. He's been buffered from the situation too. If he had contact with them, I know eventually there would be negative feelings toward them, which is just sad. It's a hard situation, and you have to decide what is right for you, your dh, and your children. If that means you suck it up (and I recommend counseling for you if you do to help you learn how to let things roll of your back) or if that means you limit contact in any fashion, you need to make sure that it is right for you and your family. No two situations are exactly the same, so I can't tell you what to do in your situation, I can just give you my experience. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Sharalyn mom to Alexander James (9/21/01) |
#6
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Denise~* wrote: If you were in this situation, what would you do? I guess I am looking for advice Thank goodness I am not in that situation, because I can see that it would be really, really frustrating. I don't think there's any easy answer here, and certainly not one that's likely to feel very satisfying to you. I *think* what I'd do is: 1) Don't take it personally. You know you mother has some issues, for whatever reason, that cause her to do this. You can't stop her from doing it, but you *can*, to some extent, control your reaction to what she does. When you have an obstinate toddler who's pushing every button you have, you know not to take that personally and realize that they're two and that's just the way it is. You don't let that behavior make you feel bad about yourself. You just try to find effective ways to cope. You can do the same here. Don't give you mother the power to affect how you feel about yourself. You might feel sad that your relationship has difficulties, or annoyed that she persists in this behavior, but you don't have to take her criticisms to heart. Even when there may be a grain of truth to them, you can elect to take the constructive part of the criticism and ignore the rest. 2) You can try to engage in a bit of behavior modification. For instance, if she starts in on an argument, you can say, "Sorry, Mom, but I don't really feel like arguing right now. We'll just have to agree to disagree." If she keeps on, then say, "Mom, I'm not going to argue now. I'll talk to you later" and hang up the phone (and ignore any callbacks). If you're with her, gather up your stuff and leave. Don't put yourself in positions where you can't leave. Resist the temptation to throw in a parting shot where you try to "win" or make additional jabs about how her behavior is inappropriate. She can't fight with you if you're not there. Repeat ad nauseam, always starting with a clean slate (i.e., don't pick up the argument next time, and keep giving her a chance not to get into it with you). This will likely make her mad, but at least it preserves a way out of the situation whenever she chooses to stop the behavior and it lowers your frustration level because you have a plan and you're working fiercely not to take her criticisms personally. Best wishes, Ericka I agree whole heartedly with Ericka's post. It takes two to tango, and you can only get into arguements with your mother if you participate. If she is determined to say that the sky is green and the grass is blue, as Ericka said, you just pretend that she's an ornery toddler, agree with her, and move on. If she says something mean, rude or cutting, you can pity the fact that she needs to put you down to feel superior or better about herself, not take it personally, and remove yourself and your children from the situation. In the end, you have to accept your mother's faults, and accept the reality of who she is, and the relationship that exists. It's not all flowers and hugs. It is what it is, and you either want it in your life (as is) or you don't. If you aren't ready and willing to cut her out, then you have to accept her for who she is, take the good and not fret about the rest. If there is no good, then I don't know why you wouldn't be ready to cut her out of your life But it sounds to me like there is some good to her and the relationship, or you wouldn't want to be calling her still. Good luck. -- Jamie Earth Angels: Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 Addison Grace, 9/30/04 Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password: Guest Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and Password |
#7
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
Engram wrote:
Don't know what I would do because I'm in a very similar situation. Yipes, you certainly do, and then some. Thanks for sharing! If counselling or therapy is an option, maybe try that. There is an approach called "brief therapy", where you agree with the therapist to a limited number of sessions where you deal with a particular set of issues. If a psychologist is too expensive, maybe find a therapist (they don't have to have a degree in psych but are well trained in what they do). Yep, I know. I was a Psych major & Soc minor in College. I have thought of therapy. Not _with_ her, but just so I can handle her better. Or find yourself a book. "Toxic Parents" would be fairly old by now. I'm not sure what's currently available as I haven't practiced in the last few years. That sounds interesting. I also bought a book a while ago. I think it was called "how to cope with difficult people" I bought it not only for help with my mother, but my work (I deal with brides) :-) I need to pull that out & give myself a refresher. I'll check out the other one too. Thanks! HTH! Kasia |
#8
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
xkatx wrote:
Or, I will call with a simple question or looking for a simple bit of advice and I get an earful about that, or something totally unrelated... OMG, yes! you need, isn't it?" (this happened last weekend when I was given an aquarium for free from a lady, and it was a custom built, large tank fit into an old cabinet-style TV box.) My grandma even had to go out to the truck before she went home to come back in and say how ugly, banged up and gross it was, yet I knew before that this thing could possibly use a sanding down and refinishing, just to look pretty... Something I thought would and could be a fun thing to do with time. That does sound like fun. You have my thumbs up on that one. Although DH would be saying the same thing your mom does about things like that. I'm a huge pack-rat & I love to re-finish furniture. I'm horrible for advice, especially when I probably am the last person who should offer advice! Maybe a letter? Naw, for some parents, a letter just might be OK, but I think it would just **** her off. Thanks for helping & sharing though! |
#9
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
This will likely make her mad, but at least it preserves a way out of the situation whenever she chooses to stop the behavior and it lowers your frustration level because you have a plan and you're working fiercely not to take her criticisms personally. Best wishes, Ericka Yep, it's hard not to react. I think that's MY issue. Need to work on that. Thanks! |
#10
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OT - Mothers day (not a happy post)
Jamie Clark wrote:
don't. If you aren't ready and willing to cut her out, then you have to accept her for who she is, take the good and not fret about the rest. If there is no good, then I don't know why you wouldn't be ready to cut her out of your life But it sounds to me like there is some good to her and the relationship, or you wouldn't want to be calling her still. Good luck. Yes, there is still some good, just that the bad makes the good fade in comparison. I'll try to bite my tongue, too. :-/ |
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