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help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)



 
 
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  #31  
Old July 20th 03, 05:45 PM
Laura
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Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

wrote in message news:[email protected]

They released me to the care of my counselor's office where, thankfully,
they know me very well and they know I am not a violent psycho like my son
and the police were making me out to be and they made arrangements to
contact foster care on my behalf and let me go so I could get to class.


Lorian, I'm sorry things have gotten to this point. Both you and your
son are clearly suffering a great deal. I think it's a very good thing
that you're working with the foster care system to find a stable home
for him. That seems the best solution in the short term given your
resources and his age. Some distance between you two will allow you
both to get your equilibrium back and figure out what to do with the
assistance of neutral counselors. I hope that you can spend some time
tending to your own needs and he, separately, can be helped with the
tremendous issues he must be facing. Peace to you both.

lm
  #32  
Old July 20th 03, 10:15 PM
external usenet poster
 
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Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

Lisa aka Surfer wrote:

Well done, Tom. You have a bigger heart than I, it was clear from
the very first reply from Betsy that she wasn't going to get the
point. Yet you still took the time. Man oh man you're doing well
these days!!!!

Lisa


Actually, Lisa, you and Tom are as emotionally abusive to me on here as
always and I won't put up with it from you either. And I was able to
resolve things with Betsy as I apologized for my sarcasm and she did get
through to me in email. Because she did truly care for me and my son's best
interests. You never have. You have always been catty and superior and
very hurtful to me and I will not allow you to continue to do that to me
here.




  #33  
Old July 20th 03, 10:31 PM
Rolly The Pervert
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


"Lisa aka Surfer" wrote in message
...

"Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message
...

wrote in message

news:[email protected]

yeah, because when I have confidence others react to that. When I am
depressed I try to isolate myself so as not to be a burden onothers,

but
my
poor son has always been around me through these mood swings and

through
the
fall out of the trauma of the abuse I've taken from others and he must

have
felt so powerless to help me and of course I was not able to be there

for
him emotionally, that is a big part of why he is so angry at me I am

sure.
Also, my confidence level is a main factor of my manic-depression.

When
I
am manic, I am very confident when I am depressed I feel worthless, no
matter what. The meds help a lot but only go so far.



You know what, this is the sanest thing i've ever read from you. This is

all
real stuff. Don't tolerate what your kid is doing because of this stuff,

but
accepting you played a part in causing it is a huge deal. Also, know

where
he's comming from.

Think of when your at wits end with everything around you. imagine being
your son, unable to stop it. Think of how it hurts you to be rejected by
people you care about, then think of how he must have felt when you were

in
your harder moments.

My advice, let him cool off in foster care. Take some time for yourself,
sleep in a bit if your work situation permits it, try to eat a bit

better
then normal for a while, try to go for a half hour walk everyday, call a
friend once a day, don't dump on them, ask them how they are, and

listen,
and once a day, without telling anyone, do something for someone you

don't
know. Throw some change at a bum, drop some old clothes off at a womans
shelter, volunteer somewhere, offeer a homeless guy a cigarette ( if you
smoke ) doensn't have to be anything huge, just don't tell anyone.

Then after al that, sit down with your son, have a frank discussion.

Tell
him you know he's had it rough, tell him what you just said here about

how
you know you affect him. Then tell him that despite all that, the two of

you
need to have a relationship together where you have some respect for

each
other. It'll be hard at first, but i don't think your son is a bad kid,

just
a hurt one acting bad. I think you'll both find alot of forgiveness.

Good luck, I don't like you as a person, and It shouldn't matter who

does
and who doesn't anyways. you do have a child, and the both of you

deserve
each other.

When you start taking responsibility for the stuff you have a part in,

you
won't feel the need to **** on yourself unfairly anymore Lorian. I

replied
to this mostly cause it looks like your starting to do that.


Well done, Tom. You have a bigger heart than I, it was clear from the

very
first reply from Betsy that she wasn't going to get the point. Yet you
still took the time. Man oh man you're doing well these days!!!!



you're a sweatheart as always

I just got in from the beach and my bum is all sun burnt again lol


  #34  
Old July 20th 03, 10:36 PM
Rolly The Pervert
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


wrote in message news:[email protected]
Lisa aka Surfer wrote:

Well done, Tom. You have a bigger heart than I, it was clear from
the very first reply from Betsy that she wasn't going to get the
point. Yet you still took the time. Man oh man you're doing well
these days!!!!

Lisa


Actually, Lisa, you and Tom are as emotionally abusiveslap


And what you gonna do about it?



**** off bitch


  #35  
Old July 20th 03, 10:38 PM
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

dolores wrote:
wrote in message
news:[email protected] Snip

Lorian, OMG....this post!!!.. I cannot even begin to imagine how you
must have suffered, firstly as a child and now as an adult. Not only
were you shortchanged by your parents, but their abuse of you was
their legacy to you and is probably the cause of your illness.


I was born with my mental illness, manic-depression, also called bipolar
disorder, is genetic. But what has really been a problem is the PTSD (post
traumatic stress disorder) and that did come from abuse from my parents and
the abusers in my life.

And
this legacy of theirs has not only hurt you, but is being handed down
to your son, but not deliberately on your part. You've obviously
worked hard at not being your mother or father...But that's one hell
of a tough thing to do...It's a known fact that abuse is a hard cycle
to break...and all credit to you for what you've done...You've broken
the physical cycle from what I can gather...but the psychological one
is the hardest....but you are obviously trying and deserve credit for
it. I cant imaging how worn down and tired you must be. These
teenage years of your sons are probably going to be the hardest too,
my heart goes out to you.

I think you should be congratulated on the gift of education you've
given your son. I reckon this is one part of you that hasnt been
contanimated by your parents. You were clear, determined and knew
what you were doing. I would say this most definitely came across to
your son, otherwise he wouldnt be as knowledgeable as he is. I'd say
he has a quiet respect for this side of you.


Now if your parents had
left you alone, brought you up with kindness, decency and been good
to you, then the mother that educated your son would be the same
mother that knew how to set boundaries, say no and be comfortable in
her own skin (if that makes sense).


That is exactly what I feel like.

Unfortuantely they stripped you
of this and it's been your downfall. I dont think it's your fault, I
think its theirs. As a result your son has had to deal with two
mothers, the one that knew what she was doing and the other one that
was grasping at straws, grappling with herself and unsure. He
probably sensed this from a very young age and got away with murder,


this has always been one of my fears, that one of my abusers would kill me
and get away with it, because I am "crazy", they would claim self defense
and with no witnesses... even though I have never been violent.

now he's older and fighting back, or more to the point begging for
help but doesnt have the know how. Reading your post about the mocha
drink he *sounds* like one hell of a spoilt brat!! (Sorry, no offence
intended). I would say though it's more a case that you are the only
person that he has that he can really truly be himself with, and is
letting out all his frustrations on you.

I believe kicking him out on to the street will probably destroy him
and ruin all the hard work you've put in, not to mention a waste of
all the hours of agony that you've gone through. You'd be
perpetuating the cycle too..... Breaking it however, is tough and I
dont think you will be able to do it on your own, simply cos you
havent got the tools or know how (thanks to your parents). This is
where fostering to a good home where there are other kids would be a
good idea. It would help him in the future, but do nothing for you
as a parent. And you need help too.


I wish the system would recognize that. Thank you.

Going by what you've said it seems to me that this lad didnt really
have many rules or boundaries imposed on him, probably becuase you
didnt know how to say no.....not that you didnt want to...just
probably cos you didnt know when it was appropriate....God!!...I hope
I'm not offending you here....


Also, as he became a man beginning two years ago I became afraid to say no,
that is how I react to men, even though he is my own son, and that is how he
got this way over time. I saw this happening two years ago and tried to get
help then, even placing him temporarily in my aunt's home and trying to get
help from they system but nobody really heard me.

This lad sounds as though he really and truly needs genuine love and
attention, to know that he is cherished, *important to somebody*,
ideally you...and needed. You really need to let him know that you
truly love him and that love is unconditional. After all, given what
he witnessed as a child you are hardly in a position to expect
pristine behaviour when your own wasnt that great....and he know this
and will flog it to the death if you let him. You cant threaten him
with the door because his behaviour is in the gutter, when he grew up
watching your behaviour with these men.


What's weird for him probably is that all my friends are men. I am a
computer technician, how many other women computer technicians do you think
I know? None. All the computer hardware and software sales clerks are men,
all the tech support people I talk to are men, all the security guards,
bartenders, cooks, dishwashes, dj's, and barbacks I hang out with at the bar
I go to are men, and in my physics class at school they are mostly men. But
they all stay where I meet them, I always come home alone. So, he hasn't
had any real role models in his daily life. The guys who did enter our
lives were always unhealthy and didn't stay for long, I did my best.

If he's willing, sit him down, tell him about your own childhood, how
you felt at the time and how it affected you growing up. Acknowledge
to him that maybe you werent the best parent starting off but now you
know you were wrong. *Ask* him what he needs from you. Make it
quite clear that he is as much a part of the family as you are and
this is his home, it always will be. Tell him that you *need* his
help at sorting this out and that you are going to keep trying, you
will never give up on him. Get him to open up to you if you can.


I will do that when we are ready.

However, at some point you really have to set boundaries and rules,
give him responsiblity in the home. If this is his home, as much as
yours, then he should treat it as such and pull his weight. And
these rules have to apply to you too. He is entitled to expect a
certain standard of behaviour from you too, just as my lads are
entitled to expect a certain standard of behaviour from me.


What exactly does this look like?

Threatening to throw him on the street is just a more subtle way of
perpetuating the cycle of abuse that you recieved, it's instilling
fear and builds hostility in his mind.


yeah, I can see that. I didn't do that, I just pointed out that when he
told me how I didn't do anything around here that if he thought he could
manage a household better he could go get himself emancipated and manage his
own household.

If he's not willing to listen, or it ends up in a fight, sit down and
write a letter/email to him. Dont doubt he will read it, a letter
never goes unread.


However, I do feel it would do him the world of good to go and see
how other people live. Call it fostering if you like, but I'd be more
inclined to tell him that this is a great opportunity for him to go
and see how other people live. Be open about the fact that it will
show him how wrong some of the things you did were, and this is a
great chance to break the loop. After all, in years to come he might
have a family of his own and this time seeing how another family
behave might be his saving grace.


Can I go to a foster home? Can someone parent me so that I can learn what
it feels like to have two parents who love me? No? damn.

If he does go to another family though make sure you see or speak to
him every single day, without fail, at the same time every day too,
so that he knows he can rely on you. First thing in the morning to
wish him well and last thing after dinner to see how he is and how he
got on. When he comes home ask him what he thinks, and get him to
talk in detail if you can, be open about the differences between how
you dealt with hiim and how they do. Make it quite clear that this is
only a temporary arrangement, that you are under no circumstances
turning your back on him or giving up on him.


I will.

And while he is off
with this other family you should foster yourself out
too.....Parenting classes are a start and I'm sure if you asked
around someone could give you some idea of where to go...... ]


ok. I will look for parents anonymous.

Well, all the above are only my opinion, for what its worth and hope I
havent offened you, as that is not my intention. I'm not really
qualified or experienced enough either cos my lads are still only
young at 11 and 13, I dont have the wisdom of hindsight as of
yet...as many others here in the group do......However, I really feel
for what you are going through and hope you and your son manage to
get through this. Best of luck


thank you for being there for me when I need you Dolores. This means a lot
to me.



  #36  
Old July 20th 03, 10:48 PM
Lisa aka Surfer
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


"Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message
...

"Lisa aka Surfer" wrote in message
...

"Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message
...

wrote in message

news:[email protected]

yeah, because when I have confidence others react to that. When I am
depressed I try to isolate myself so as not to be a burden onothers,

but
my
poor son has always been around me through these mood swings and

through
the
fall out of the trauma of the abuse I've taken from others and he

must
have
felt so powerless to help me and of course I was not able to be

there
for
him emotionally, that is a big part of why he is so angry at me I am

sure.
Also, my confidence level is a main factor of my manic-depression.

When
I
am manic, I am very confident when I am depressed I feel worthless,

no
matter what. The meds help a lot but only go so far.


You know what, this is the sanest thing i've ever read from you. This

is
all
real stuff. Don't tolerate what your kid is doing because of this

stuff,
but
accepting you played a part in causing it is a huge deal. Also, know

where
he's comming from.

Think of when your at wits end with everything around you. imagine

being
your son, unable to stop it. Think of how it hurts you to be rejected

by
people you care about, then think of how he must have felt when you

were
in
your harder moments.

My advice, let him cool off in foster care. Take some time for

yourself,
sleep in a bit if your work situation permits it, try to eat a bit

better
then normal for a while, try to go for a half hour walk everyday, call

a
friend once a day, don't dump on them, ask them how they are, and

listen,
and once a day, without telling anyone, do something for someone you

don't
know. Throw some change at a bum, drop some old clothes off at a

womans
shelter, volunteer somewhere, offeer a homeless guy a cigarette ( if

you
smoke ) doensn't have to be anything huge, just don't tell anyone.

Then after al that, sit down with your son, have a frank discussion.

Tell
him you know he's had it rough, tell him what you just said here about

how
you know you affect him. Then tell him that despite all that, the two

of
you
need to have a relationship together where you have some respect for

each
other. It'll be hard at first, but i don't think your son is a bad

kid,
just
a hurt one acting bad. I think you'll both find alot of forgiveness.

Good luck, I don't like you as a person, and It shouldn't matter who

does
and who doesn't anyways. you do have a child, and the both of you

deserve
each other.

When you start taking responsibility for the stuff you have a part in,

you
won't feel the need to **** on yourself unfairly anymore Lorian. I

replied
to this mostly cause it looks like your starting to do that.


Well done, Tom. You have a bigger heart than I, it was clear from the

very
first reply from Betsy that she wasn't going to get the point. Yet you
still took the time. Man oh man you're doing well these days!!!!



you're a sweatheart as always

I just got in from the beach and my bum is all sun burnt again lol



Oh for goodness sakes,,,,,were you in Gatineau again?

LOL.....silly

There's water proof sunscreen you know

Surf

  #37  
Old July 20th 03, 11:24 PM
Rolly The Pervert
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


"Lisa aka Surfer" wrote in message
...

"Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message
...

"Lisa aka Surfer" wrote in message
...

"Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message
...

wrote in message
news:[email protected]

yeah, because when I have confidence others react to that. When I

am
depressed I try to isolate myself so as not to be a burden

onothers,
but
my
poor son has always been around me through these mood swings and

through
the
fall out of the trauma of the abuse I've taken from others and he

must
have
felt so powerless to help me and of course I was not able to be

there
for
him emotionally, that is a big part of why he is so angry at me I

am
sure.
Also, my confidence level is a main factor of my manic-depression.

When
I
am manic, I am very confident when I am depressed I feel

worthless,
no
matter what. The meds help a lot but only go so far.


You know what, this is the sanest thing i've ever read from you.

This
is
all
real stuff. Don't tolerate what your kid is doing because of this

stuff,
but
accepting you played a part in causing it is a huge deal. Also, know

where
he's comming from.

Think of when your at wits end with everything around you. imagine

being
your son, unable to stop it. Think of how it hurts you to be

rejected
by
people you care about, then think of how he must have felt when you

were
in
your harder moments.

My advice, let him cool off in foster care. Take some time for

yourself,
sleep in a bit if your work situation permits it, try to eat a bit

better
then normal for a while, try to go for a half hour walk everyday,

call
a
friend once a day, don't dump on them, ask them how they are, and

listen,
and once a day, without telling anyone, do something for someone you

don't
know. Throw some change at a bum, drop some old clothes off at a

womans
shelter, volunteer somewhere, offeer a homeless guy a cigarette ( if

you
smoke ) doensn't have to be anything huge, just don't tell anyone.

Then after al that, sit down with your son, have a frank discussion.

Tell
him you know he's had it rough, tell him what you just said here

about
how
you know you affect him. Then tell him that despite all that, the

two
of
you
need to have a relationship together where you have some respect for

each
other. It'll be hard at first, but i don't think your son is a bad

kid,
just
a hurt one acting bad. I think you'll both find alot of forgiveness.

Good luck, I don't like you as a person, and It shouldn't matter who

does
and who doesn't anyways. you do have a child, and the both of you

deserve
each other.

When you start taking responsibility for the stuff you have a part

in,
you
won't feel the need to **** on yourself unfairly anymore Lorian. I

replied
to this mostly cause it looks like your starting to do that.


Well done, Tom. You have a bigger heart than I, it was clear from

the
very
first reply from Betsy that she wasn't going to get the point. Yet

you
still took the time. Man oh man you're doing well these days!!!!



you're a sweatheart as always

I just got in from the beach and my bum is all sun burnt again lol



Oh for goodness sakes,,,,,were you in Gatineau again?


Oka beach actually hehe,. more people. some of those guys though , lol, well
i wouldn't if I were them

LOL.....silly

There's water proof sunscreen you know


heh

hot ass ... lol
Surf



  #38  
Old July 20th 03, 11:25 PM
Paul Fritz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


"Rolly The Pervert" wrote in message
...

wrote in message

news:[email protected]
Lisa aka Surfer wrote:

Well done, Tom. You have a bigger heart than I, it was clear from
the very first reply from Betsy that she wasn't going to get the
point. Yet you still took the time. Man oh man you're doing well
these days!!!!

Lisa


Actually, Lisa, you and Tom are as emotionally abusiveslap


And what you gonna do about it?



**** off bitch



Typical looney lorain.......straight out of the 'women's studies'
textbook.............if they don't agree with you, label them abusive etc.






  #39  
Old July 20th 03, 11:58 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


wrote in message news:[email protected]
Lisa aka Surfer wrote:

Well done, Tom. You have a bigger heart than I, it was clear from
the very first reply from Betsy that she wasn't going to get the
point. Yet you still took the time. Man oh man you're doing well
these days!!!!

Lisa


Actually, Lisa, you and Tom are as emotionally abusive to me on here as
always and I won't put up with it from you either. And I was able to
resolve things with Betsy as I apologized for my sarcasm and she did get
through to me in email. Because she did truly care for me and my son's

best
interests. You never have. You have always been catty and superior and
very hurtful to me and I will not allow you to continue to do that to me
here.





L, you need to let go of this 'being abused online' stuff. No one can hurt
you unless you let them, online. Don't read their posts for god sake.


  #40  
Old July 21st 03, 12:16 AM
dolores
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


wrote in message news:[email protected]
dolores wrote:
wrote in message
news:[email protected] Snip

Lorian, OMG....this post!!!.. I cannot even begin to imagine how you
must have suffered, firstly as a child and now as an adult. Not only
were you shortchanged by your parents, but their abuse of you was
their legacy to you and is probably the cause of your illness.


I was born with my mental illness, manic-depression, also called bipolar
disorder, is genetic. But what has really been a problem is the PTSD

(post
traumatic stress disorder) and that did come from abuse from my parents

and
the abusers in my life.

And
this legacy of theirs has not only hurt you, but is being handed down
to your son, but not deliberately on your part. You've obviously
worked hard at not being your mother or father...But that's one hell
of a tough thing to do...It's a known fact that abuse is a hard cycle
to break...and all credit to you for what you've done...You've broken
the physical cycle from what I can gather...but the psychological one
is the hardest....but you are obviously trying and deserve credit for
it. I cant imaging how worn down and tired you must be. These
teenage years of your sons are probably going to be the hardest too,
my heart goes out to you.

I think you should be congratulated on the gift of education you've
given your son. I reckon this is one part of you that hasnt been
contanimated by your parents. You were clear, determined and knew
what you were doing. I would say this most definitely came across to
your son, otherwise he wouldnt be as knowledgeable as he is. I'd say
he has a quiet respect for this side of you.


Now if your parents had
left you alone, brought you up with kindness, decency and been good
to you, then the mother that educated your son would be the same
mother that knew how to set boundaries, say no and be comfortable in
her own skin (if that makes sense).


That is exactly what I feel like.

Unfortuantely they stripped you
of this and it's been your downfall. I dont think it's your fault, I
think its theirs. As a result your son has had to deal with two
mothers, the one that knew what she was doing and the other one that
was grasping at straws, grappling with herself and unsure. He
probably sensed this from a very young age and got away with murder,


this has always been one of my fears, that one of my abusers would kill me
and get away with it, because I am "crazy", they would claim self defense
and with no witnesses... even though I have never been violent.


No I didn't mean *real* murder (getting away with murder must be an Irish
phrase). I meant that he knew he could push the boundaries with you cos he
could tell you had difficulty saying no....

now he's older and fighting back, or more to the point begging for
help but doesnt have the know how. Reading your post about the mocha
drink he *sounds* like one hell of a spoilt brat!! (Sorry, no offence
intended). I would say though it's more a case that you are the only
person that he has that he can really truly be himself with, and is
letting out all his frustrations on you.

I believe kicking him out on to the street will probably destroy him
and ruin all the hard work you've put in, not to mention a waste of
all the hours of agony that you've gone through. You'd be
perpetuating the cycle too..... Breaking it however, is tough and I
dont think you will be able to do it on your own, simply cos you
havent got the tools or know how (thanks to your parents). This is
where fostering to a good home where there are other kids would be a
good idea. It would help him in the future, but do nothing for you
as a parent. And you need help too.


I wish the system would recognize that. Thank you.

Going by what you've said it seems to me that this lad didnt really
have many rules or boundaries imposed on him, probably becuase you
didnt know how to say no.....not that you didnt want to...just
probably cos you didnt know when it was appropriate....God!!...I hope
I'm not offending you here....


Also, as he became a man beginning two years ago I became afraid to say

no,
that is how I react to men, even though he is my own son, and that is how

he
got this way over time. I saw this happening two years ago and tried to

get
help then, even placing him temporarily in my aunt's home and trying to

get
help from they system but nobody really heard me.

This lad sounds as though he really and truly needs genuine love and
attention, to know that he is cherished, *important to somebody*,
ideally you...and needed. You really need to let him know that you
truly love him and that love is unconditional. After all, given what
he witnessed as a child you are hardly in a position to expect
pristine behaviour when your own wasnt that great....and he know this
and will flog it to the death if you let him. You cant threaten him
with the door because his behaviour is in the gutter, when he grew up
watching your behaviour with these men.


What's weird for him probably is that all my friends are men. I am a
computer technician, how many other women computer technicians do you

think
I know? None. All the computer hardware and software sales clerks are

men,
all the tech support people I talk to are men, all the security guards,
bartenders, cooks, dishwashes, dj's, and barbacks I hang out with at the

bar
I go to are men, and in my physics class at school they are mostly men.

But
they all stay where I meet them, I always come home alone. So, he hasn't
had any real role models in his daily life. The guys who did enter our
lives were always unhealthy and didn't stay for long, I did my best.

If he's willing, sit him down, tell him about your own childhood, how
you felt at the time and how it affected you growing up. Acknowledge
to him that maybe you werent the best parent starting off but now you
know you were wrong. *Ask* him what he needs from you. Make it
quite clear that he is as much a part of the family as you are and
this is his home, it always will be. Tell him that you *need* his
help at sorting this out and that you are going to keep trying, you
will never give up on him. Get him to open up to you if you can.


I will do that when we are ready.

However, at some point you really have to set boundaries and rules,
give him responsiblity in the home. If this is his home, as much as
yours, then he should treat it as such and pull his weight. And
these rules have to apply to you too. He is entitled to expect a
certain standard of behaviour from you too, just as my lads are
entitled to expect a certain standard of behaviour from me.


What exactly does this look like?

Threatening to throw him on the street is just a more subtle way of
perpetuating the cycle of abuse that you recieved, it's instilling
fear and builds hostility in his mind.


yeah, I can see that. I didn't do that, I just pointed out that when he
told me how I didn't do anything around here that if he thought he could
manage a household better he could go get himself emancipated and manage

his
own household.


Oh I didnt mean *you* threatened it, I meant a few others that replied to
your post suggested it, and (personally) I dont this would be good in your
particular situation, after all who else has this lad got....and it would
probably cause more problems than it would solve, I think.

If he's not willing to listen, or it ends up in a fight, sit down and
write a letter/email to him. Dont doubt he will read it, a letter
never goes unread.


However, I do feel it would do him the world of good to go and see
how other people live. Call it fostering if you like, but I'd be more
inclined to tell him that this is a great opportunity for him to go
and see how other people live. Be open about the fact that it will
show him how wrong some of the things you did were, and this is a
great chance to break the loop. After all, in years to come he might
have a family of his own and this time seeing how another family
behave might be his saving grace.


Can I go to a foster home? Can someone parent me so that I can learn what
it feels like to have two parents who love me? No? damn.


This is what I think would have been ideal for you when you first became
pregnant. I think social services should try and help, not just you, but
all first time mothers that have come from an abusive family by placing them
in a family that could be considered relatively normal (cos there's no such
thing as an ideal family). Long term it would save the Gov. a whole lot of
money and there'd be a lot less children in this world suffering, simply cos
the parents had no idea how to be parents.

If he does go to another family though make sure you see or speak to
him every single day, without fail, at the same time every day too,
so that he knows he can rely on you. First thing in the morning to
wish him well and last thing after dinner to see how he is and how he
got on. When he comes home ask him what he thinks, and get him to
talk in detail if you can, be open about the differences between how
you dealt with hiim and how they do. Make it quite clear that this is
only a temporary arrangement, that you are under no circumstances
turning your back on him or giving up on him.


I will.

And while he is off
with this other family you should foster yourself out
too.....Parenting classes are a start and I'm sure if you asked
around someone could give you some idea of where to go...... ]


ok. I will look for parents anonymous.


Oh yeah!!.. I never thought of this group. Did you ever consider going to
them before, when your lad was little?


Well, all the above are only my opinion, for what its worth and hope I
havent offened you, as that is not my intention. I'm not really
qualified or experienced enough either cos my lads are still only
young at 11 and 13, I dont have the wisdom of hindsight as of
yet...as many others here in the group do......However, I really feel
for what you are going through and hope you and your son manage to
get through this. Best of luck


thank you for being there for me when I need you Dolores. This means a

lot
to me.


I dont know if I would call this *being there* for you, but I hope things do
get better for you.

Dolores





 




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