1 child 3 sets of parents/guardians???

G'day

I am a single parent with a 4 yo girl (A) and 12 y o boy
the boy is with me 24/7 but the girl (separate mums) is with me Fri. arvo
till mon morn.
(A) goes to child care 9am -4:30 mon -Fri..
Her mum split 3 years ago so her maternal Nan helps out.
Recently her mum, out of the blue, has applied for a day or 2 a week
residence.

(A) starts school next year, and I'm worried about the possible effects, if
any, living in 3 homes can
produce. I'm no expert, but I know from when I was a kid and my parents
split, there was a struggle
for the kids attention and love, human nature being what it is , I'm
concerned that this
may be too much for a 4 year old to cope with.
My concern is along the lines of identity, loyalty and love
I don't want this beautiful child head screwed.
I'm even prepared to sacrifice my residence (as horrible as that sounds to
me) if need be

Is there any research I can read or ppl's experiences whom would like to
share
Google which I normally rely on , is not much help this time.

I love my daughter to death, and I have never asked her to choose, but I
know her mum is trying to
make up for lost time and in doing so is inadvertently playing head games
with her.

I'm starting to get concerned

Anyone care to comment?

pls email me, return addy is good

Pbs
--

"PBSL" wrote in message ...
G'day

I am a single parent with a 4 yo girl (A) and 12 y o boy
the boy is with me 24/7 but the girl (separate mums) is with me Fri. arvo
till mon morn.
(A) goes to child care 9am -4:30 mon -Fri..
Her mum split 3 years ago so her maternal Nan helps out.
Recently her mum, out of the blue, has applied for a day or 2 a week
residence.

(A) starts school next year, and I'm worried about the possible effects, if
any, living in 3 homes can
produce. I'm no expert, but I know from when I was a kid and my parents
split, there was a struggle
for the kids attention and love, human nature being what it is , I'm
concerned that this
may be too much for a 4 year old to cope with.
My concern is along the lines of identity, loyalty and love
I don't want this beautiful child head screwed.
I'm even prepared to sacrifice my residence (as horrible as that sounds to
me) if need be

Is there any research I can read or ppl's experiences whom would like to
share
Google which I normally rely on , is not much help this time.

I love my daughter to death, and I have never asked her to choose, but I
know her mum is trying to
make up for lost time and in doing so is inadvertently playing head games
with her.

I'm starting to get concerned

Anyone care to comment?

pls email me, return addy is good

Pbs
--

I think when parents feel like they're in competition, they may feel
threatened they'll lose the love of their child. But, children are
really smart and the relationship is as strong as it was formed. The
more good parents and grandparents involved in a child's life, they
better supported and nurtured they will feel and grow up to be good
adults.

I remember feeling very upset that my year old daughter cried for the
babysitter when she passed by our home and waved hi. I was mortified
that my baby wanted this woman to hold her over me. Initially, I
wanted Julia away from my daughter but my own mother reminded me that
the fact that my daughter loved this caregiver was a good thing and
that my daughter was lucky to have this woman who she had bonded with.

It's hard to share, but it's the best thing to do so. My relationship
was not damaged because my little toddler loved her babysitter.

Karen

"Karen O'Mara" wrote in message
om...
"PBSL" wrote in message
...
G'day

I am a single parent with a 4 yo girl (A) and 12 y o boy
the boy is with me 24/7 but the girl (separate mums) is with me Fri. arvo
till mon morn.
(A) goes to child care 9am -4:30 mon -Fri..
Her mum split 3 years ago so her maternal Nan helps out.
Recently her mum, out of the blue, has applied for a day or 2 a week
residence.

(A) starts school next year, and I'm worried about the possible effects,
if
any, living in 3 homes can
produce. I'm no expert, but I know from when I was a kid and my parents
split, there was a struggle
for the kids attention and love, human nature being what it is , I'm
concerned that this
may be too much for a 4 year old to cope with.
My concern is along the lines of identity, loyalty and love
I don't want this beautiful child head screwed.
I'm even prepared to sacrifice my residence (as horrible as that sounds
to
me) if need be

Is there any research I can read or ppl's experiences whom would like to
share
Google which I normally rely on , is not much help this time.

I love my daughter to death, and I have never asked her to choose, but I
know her mum is trying to
make up for lost time and in doing so is inadvertently playing head games
with her.

I'm starting to get concerned

Anyone care to comment?

pls email me, return addy is good

Pbs
--

I think when parents feel like they're in competition, they may feel
threatened they'll lose the love of their child. But, children are
really smart and the relationship is as strong as it was formed. The
more good parents and grandparents involved in a child's life, they
better supported and nurtured they will feel and grow up to be good
adults.

I remember feeling very upset that my year old daughter cried for the
babysitter when she passed by our home and waved hi. I was mortified
that my baby wanted this woman to hold her over me. Initially, I
wanted Julia away from my daughter but my own mother reminded me that
the fact that my daughter loved this caregiver was a good thing and
that my daughter was lucky to have this woman who she had bonded with.

It's hard to share, but it's the best thing to do so. My relationship
was not damaged because my little toddler loved her babysitter.



Karen

wow!, that's a perspective I never considered
so what I'm understanding is
more love and influence the better,
these living arrangments shouldnt create confusion
for the child.

and I guess that's what it is
thank you for sharing that

I guess we all strive to obtain an identity
culture and heritage.
this mix of parents will influence her with three
cultures as well as perspectives

I just wasnt sure more than 2 parental role models was
healthy

now she will have 4, me ,nanna , ex and ex's bf

pbs

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Sun, 28 Nov 2004 08:34:07 GMT, "PBSL"
wrote:

suff

I'm unclear - the 4 year old, your daughter with the woman who has
been away for 3 years, is with you Friday afternoon until she goes to
daycare on Monday. Then she's in daycare until 4:30 and then where
does she go? Does she go to her Nan's Monday through Friday?

Hi, thanks for replying

yes , nanna gets the week days for now

This Nan is the mother's mother, correct?

correct

So your daughter is being cared for by yourself, daycare, and her
maternal grandmother right now?

yup

Isn't her mother's home her fourth home then?

I guess it will be

So.. imagine a long time ago when children were raised by each other
and the "village". How many homes did they have?

you mean like extended families?
I'm from a culture that encourages that
but it's more complicated than that, too many variables
to make that comparism, even I dont fully know and understand what they are
completely

What if the child grows up in a very small town or in a
rural/familycentric area?

we are in a very small town , under 10k, and guess what
I only know my immediate neighbours by 1st name
besides it's the maternal side's town. so I'm a newcomer at 6 years

What if the grandparents were as involved
as the parents? Wouldn't the child have four homes? Maybe more?

It sounds like your objection is about what you want and don't want
and has nothing to do with the 4 year old.


sorry , have to disagree
to be honest I'd prefer it if I wasnt looking after her
as I'm a hopless homemaker
take-out, rarly do housework, I give in to kids re bedtimes , baths etc
NEVER spanked either of them, not even once

I know I shouldnt be a major caregiver , but at the time
I was the best choice as
mum took off with bf and went on a drink/drug binge
charged for poss and supply narcotic, prostitution,
totalled the family car, emptied the family accounts
and God know's whatelse

she seems to have come good know, but I'm always checking out her demeaner
when she comes to visit child

'Kate

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 29 Nov 2004 01:57:12 GMT, "PBSL"
wrote:

I know I shouldnt be a major caregiver,

Why?
but at the time
I was the best choice as
mum took off with bf and went on a drink/drug binge
charged for poss and supply narcotic, prostitution,
totalled the family car, emptied the family accounts
and God know's whatelse

Were you married to her? Were you living together? How'd she get away
with doing all that right under your nose?

no not married, the car and account were in her name
but they were both "family" property


she seems to have come good know, but I'm always checking out her demeaner
when she comes to visit child

You know.. I'm less worried about your daughter - she has you to take
care of her - than I am about you. Where were you when all this was
going on?

working, shamefully i was working 14hrs plus a day
but I was never far away
the business was on street level and the residence on top

when we met we had zilch, 0
after 2 years we had moved up many notches
had everything we needed and most of what we wanted

or so i thought..

after she had gone, things started falling into place,
after taking the role of homemaker after work
I found evidence, love notes , drug paraphanalia
photos, things that sent daggers to my heart

how could I have been so dumb
I thought we had the perfect routine
I worked and helped after work
she took care of the house

boy was I wrong...

I'm over it now, but it was so hard to accept and cope

just the look in my kids eyes makes it all worthwhile
and when the little one gives me a hug and say's "I love you daddy"
well!!!
I get instant energy and motivation to go on

I know kids dont come with instruction manuals
but i really want to give them every oppurtunity
and NEVER to do anything that may hurt them in growing up

I know I cam from a very disfunctional family
and so many little things can effect ones makeup
but both my parents really loved me
even though they never once told me so

I tell mine every single day


'Kate

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Mon, 29 Nov 2004 04:47:08 GMT, "PBSL"
wrote:


"'Kate" wrote in message
. ..
On Mon, 29 Nov 2004 01:57:12 GMT, "PBSL"
wrote:

I know I shouldnt be a major caregiver,

Why?
but at the time
I was the best choice as
mum took off with bf and went on a drink/drug binge
charged for poss and supply narcotic, prostitution,
totalled the family car, emptied the family accounts
and God know's whatelse

Were you married to her? Were you living together? How'd she get away
with doing all that right under your nose?

no not married, the car and account were in her name
but they were both "family" property


she seems to have come good know, but I'm always checking out her
demeaner
when she comes to visit child

You know.. I'm less worried about your daughter - she has you to take
care of her - than I am about you. Where were you when all this was
going on?

working, shamefully i was working 14hrs plus a day
but I was never far away
the business was on street level and the residence on top

when we met we had zilch, 0
after 2 years we had moved up many notches
had everything we needed and most of what we wanted

or so i thought..

after she had gone, things started falling into place,
after taking the role of homemaker after work
I found evidence, love notes , drug paraphanalia
photos, things that sent daggers to my heart

how could I have been so dumb
I thought we had the perfect routine
I worked and helped after work
she took care of the house

boy was I wrong...

I'm over it now, but it was so hard to accept and cope

just the look in my kids eyes makes it all worthwhile
and when the little one gives me a hug and say's "I love you daddy"
well!!!
I get instant energy and motivation to go on

I know kids dont come with instruction manuals
but i really want to give them every oppurtunity
and NEVER to do anything that may hurt them in growing up

I know I cam from a very disfunctional family
and so many little things can effect ones makeup
but both my parents really loved me
even though they never once told me so

I tell mine every single day

Hon.. that is great. I'm glad you've become a better parent than your
parents but... here's the thing. You chose her and she had the
ability to do what she did when you chose her.

I guess that's true with everyone, but it really was a jeckyl hyde thing
and hyde didnt come out till the end.

Now, there could be very good reasons why you missed this about her.
Maybe it was too short a courtship

definatly, and I recieved so many "I told you so's "
yup , I was wrong, next time and if there is a next time
it will be slow and steady

or maybe you were both dabbling and
you thought she straightened up like you did...

One would think a child would straighten anyone up,
again my assumptions were very wrong

I dunno. So here's
my advice (don'tcha know we all get the right to give you advice
'cause you posted)...

Thanks, I really appreciate the time your taking,
hope I can repay the good deed one day

consider counseling.

That's very difficult for me , I have a problem opening up.
it's been suggested many times, and I don't seem to get far
and it's not from lack of effort either.

The reason why I'm saying
that is because you may feel over it... and you are likely just
that... but the stuff that came before (why you chose her in
particular) came from something inside you.

yes, your quite correct , I was desperate, I was thinking with the wrong
organ
I was silly and am now paying the price.

If you have the chance to
deal with that, it'll be better for you, your future relationships,
and for your children so that this doesn't become a pattern in their
lives.

Your son was exposed to a heck of a lot. How's he?

He's a little trooper, I sheltered him as much as I can from the whole
episode
he's very understanding, very wise for his age.
and I did notice that I was neglecting him in the attention dept
but I snapped out of that quick smart.

I feel for ya, BTW. Being betrayed sucks.

it sure does

Thanks Kate
pbs

'Kate

"PBSL" wrote in message ...
That's very difficult for me , I have a problem opening up.
it's been suggested many times, and I don't seem to get far
and it's not from lack of effort either.

(sorry to barge in here)... I think counseling is really finding the
right connection. My daughter is very ANTI counseling because I think
I've shoved so much of it her direction throughout her early life and
now she refuses it outright... but now is talking to a
dietician/nutritionist at Kaiser about facts and feelings. (My
daughter is battling borderline anorexia). This person is not called a
"counselor" which is turn-off for my daughter, yet it seems she's
really found a good connection. Sorry to ramble off on a linear
tangent, but I thought the example would be a good one.

From your posts, I think you could open up to someone. Finding the
right counselor may take a few attempts.

Karen

On 1 Dec 2004 14:39:19 -0800, (Karen O'Mara) wrote:

"PBSL" wrote in message ...
That's very difficult for me , I have a problem opening up.
it's been suggested many times, and I don't seem to get far
and it's not from lack of effort either.

(sorry to barge in here)... I think counseling is really finding the
right connection. My daughter is very ANTI counseling because I think
I've shoved so much of it her direction throughout her early life and
now she refuses it outright... but now is talking to a
dietician/nutritionist at Kaiser about facts and feelings. (My
daughter is battling borderline anorexia). This person is not called a
"counselor" which is turn-off for my daughter, yet it seems she's
really found a good connection. Sorry to ramble off on a linear
tangent, but I thought the example would be a good one.

From your posts, I think you could open up to someone. Finding the
right counselor may take a few attempts.

Karen

Hi there, Karen & PBSL. I've been swamped at work & haven't had much
to say, but I have to agree with a couple of things here.

First, my daughter is also dealing with major fallout from past damage
done, and has no interest in counselling, despite plenty of
professional opinions that she should get some.

I decided early that it was just not going to be helpful to insist on
counselling in which she had no interest or commitment, so I didn't. I
did occasionally remind her of the option. Like your daughter, she has
now decided, after being mugged last month, that she's ready to talk
to someone, but specifically about personal safety techniques. The
woman I have hired, from an organisation called SafeTeen, turns out to
be the person my daughter has chosen to talk to. I couldn't be more
delighted.

With respect to PBSL, I would encourage you not so much to "get
counselling", but to think through what you need to sort through. What
kinds of issues are you facing? What kinds of problems do you need to
solve? What patterns are repeating in your life, that you want to
change? Once you get a sense of some of this kind of thing, then, if
you feel ready to take a shot at it, you can go to a counsellor with a
clearer idea in mind of what you want out of it. That might feel less
like you have to bare your soul, and more like you can just get some
trained, intelligent help to brainstorm strategies and patterns with
an eye to finding a more effective way to manage whatever needs
managing.

Then, shop around. Counsellors vary widely in skill, style and
orientation. Talk to a few until you find one you feel might be
helpful.

As for the whole co-parenting and multi-residence thing, I can offer
this little bit of information from my over 12 years of single
parenting with an ex husband who has remained very much involved and
engaged in his daughters' lives: do whatever you humanly can to keep
your relationship with your ex separate from your child's relationship
with your ex. Keep your discussions of parenting, finances, custody,
visitation, living arrangements, etc. between the adults until your
child is old enough to be making decisions on these matters. Try very,
very hard to not only not trash your ex, but if you can sincerely
think of any positive things to say, say them now and again. Don't lie
and don't exaggerate, but look for good. It's really, really helpful
because this enables your child to feel safe and unjudged for loving
both of you, it teaches the child that you can disagree and still get
along, it shows them that they can feel differently from you without
censure, and it lets them know that your love for them is a separate
and special thing from the love between them and the other parent.

Best of all, even if your ex trashes you, later on, they are smart
enough to know that you have consistently taken the high road. There's
a LOT of payoff then, during the teen years, when they realize that
regardless of the other parent's behaviour, you have remained positive
and supportive. Teens *really* respect that. And if they are so lucky
as to have had TWO parents who have taken the high road, the trust and
respect quotient going into adolesence is a whole lot higher than it
might be. You need all of that you can get around about then.

Kids can handle that their parents not agreeing. They can handle their
parents' divorce. They can handle moving and they can handle quite a
bit more, but what they *really need* is to know that the parents
will remain sane and sensible, and that even if one 'goes off', the
other one can be trusted. That, really, is the same in married
parenting.

Anyway, I'm probably rambling all over the map. I'm so bloody busy at
work I can hardly see straight. Good luck!

Cele

Cele wrote in message . ..

Hi there, Karen & PBSL. I've been swamped at work & haven't had much
to say, but I have to agree with a couple of things here.

First, my daughter is also dealing with major fallout from past damage
done, and has no interest in counselling, despite plenty of
professional opinions that she should get some.

I decided early that it was just not going to be helpful to insist on
counselling in which she had no interest or commitment, so I didn't. I
did occasionally remind her of the option. Like your daughter, she has
now decided, after being mugged last month, that she's ready to talk
to someone, but specifically about personal safety techniques. The
woman I have hired, from an organisation called SafeTeen, turns out to
be the person my daughter has chosen to talk to. I couldn't be more
delighted.

I know what you mean. I feel like this person has saved my life. She
said that people embrace facts about the issue. And, that it's normal
to not want to be counseled (for anorexia). They're open to facts (and
actually they love to count the calories, fat grams, etc., so the
facts are right up their alley).


With respect to PBSL, I would encourage you not so much to "get
counselling", but to think through what you need to sort through. What
kinds of issues are you facing? What kinds of problems do you need to
solve? What patterns are repeating in your life, that you want to
change? Once you get a sense of some of this kind of thing, then, if
you feel ready to take a shot at it, you can go to a counsellor with a
clearer idea in mind of what you want out of it. That might feel less
like you have to bare your soul, and more like you can just get some
trained, intelligent help to brainstorm strategies and patterns with
an eye to finding a more effective way to manage whatever needs
managing.

Then, shop around. Counsellors vary widely in skill, style and
orientation. Talk to a few until you find one you feel might be
helpful.

As for the whole co-parenting and multi-residence thing, I can offer
this little bit of information from my over 12 years of single
parenting with an ex husband who has remained very much involved and
engaged in his daughters' lives: do whatever you humanly can to keep
your relationship with your ex separate from your child's relationship
with your ex. Keep your discussions of parenting, finances, custody,
visitation, living arrangements, etc. between the adults until your
child is old enough to be making decisions on these matters. Try very,
very hard to not only not trash your ex, but if you can sincerely
think of any positive things to say, say them now and again. Don't lie
and don't exaggerate, but look for good. It's really, really helpful
because this enables your child to feel safe and unjudged for loving
both of you, it teaches the child that you can disagree and still get
along, it shows them that they can feel differently from you without
censure, and it lets them know that your love for them is a separate
and special thing from the love between them and the other parent.

Great advice! Once the game plan is in place, and the battles are
diverted, everyone seems to play nice as a matter of course. Someone
needs to set the pace, and it may as well be me...

I remember when we first separated and we were on the phone and I had
a real choice to get in another argument with him or bite my words and
I bit my words. He followed suit and it just went like that. I
remember when my daughter who was very small could sense how I felt
about her father and said, "we don't like Daddy anymore, do we?" I
immediately knew I had to do the right thing... and I listed about ten
things that were wonderful about him. "You're Daddy is so strong, he
could pick up this couch with one hand," and "You're Daddy loves you
so much, he is counting the days until he gets to see you again. I bet
he'll take you to McDonald's!" And, so on.

We're really key players in how this will all play out.

otoh, I think I really tried very hard to make their relationship
work. As she grew older, I began to take myself out of the equation
and it seems neither of them want to have a relationship anymore. So,
once I quit trying to make their relationship work, it stopped.


Best of all, even if your ex trashes you, later on, they are smart
enough to know that you have consistently taken the high road. There's
a LOT of payoff then, during the teen years, when they realize that
regardless of the other parent's behaviour, you have remained positive
and supportive. Teens *really* respect that. And if they are so lucky
as to have had TWO parents who have taken the high road, the trust and
respect quotient going into adolesence is a whole lot higher than it
might be. You need all of that you can get around about then.

Kids can handle that their parents not agreeing. They can handle their
parents' divorce. They can handle moving and they can handle quite a
bit more, but what they *really need* is to know that the parents
will remain sane and sensible, and that even if one 'goes off', the
other one can be trusted. That, really, is the same in married
parenting.

Anyway, I'm probably rambling all over the map. I'm so bloody busy at
work I can hardly see straight. Good luck!

All very good insights and advice here.

Karen

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 01 Dec 2004 17:17:55 GMT, "PBSL"
wrote:



Thanks Kate
pbs

You're very welcome.
I have only had sporadic bursts of free time this semester to post but
I'm glad I could help. You seem like a reasponsible parent... hang
around for a bit. It's a good group.

'Kate

Thanks, Kate, I was planning on lurking here for a while.
I feel a lot better if I'm close to other single parents, and this is one
way
for me as I don't get out much here.
Do you mind if I ask, do you work as well as study?
I thought being a working single parent was hard enough .