I Am A Big Brother (Big Brothers Big Sisters) And Have A Problem With My Match

HI,


I am volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters, and I have been a Big Brother for
over 1 1/2 years to a now 13 1/2 year old. I am starting to have problems with
the relationship, and I am not sure how to resolve it. He comes from a home
where his mother is divorced, remarried last October, and the grandmother lives
in the house along with his two brothers (9 & 12), for which the 12 year old is
matched, and the 9 year old had a failed match. The father is not involved,
and I am told that he is a drinker, and he has court ordered supervised visits.
The problems started getting worse about 4-5 months ago, and I am not sure how
to handle it. I want to explain what is going on.

My little brother seems to have trouble socializing with people and is very
bitter about things. He has a couple of friends, and the relationship with
them is iffy. One boy his age is friends with me, and I talk with him
frequently online. We met him through a church social that used to be held
weekly (not anymore, another crazy story). This other boy tells me when he
wants to get together with my little brother that he has an "attitude". I
didn't have him expand on it, but I think I know what he means. My little
brother had a conflict with one of this boy's friend, who I think was a jerk
anyway, but that is besides the point. He has had conflicts with his father,
and so have the other boys. His step-father, who was never married, is trying
to teach the kids and it appears that the boys seem to like him, although I see
conflict, which I guess is normal. He buries himself a lot in video games and
he also reads a lot. He likes going places, but when he is ready to leave, he
lets you know it. He is quiet when around strangers, but he is very
comfortable around the people he knows where he is very talkative, and being so
comfortable, he sometimes says things that are rude and insulting. This has
gotten worse over the last few months that it finally came to a head. However,
it wasn't me that initially brought up his bad attitude.

My wife has joined us on many outing, and things were seeming to go right, but
he started saying nasty things to her at times. My wife didn't tell me this
until recently, and he seemed to say things to her when I wasn't with them in
the room, so I had no idea this was happening, and I had no idea how upset my
wife was getting. Looking back, he would say things around me or just be plain
rude, but I overlooked them thinking it was a phase or he may stop, and I would
tell him it was not nice or you need to act like (THIS). We were at Burger
King, his favorite place to eat, and I was in the rest room. My wife and him
were together, and she sat in a seat, then he said to her, "You sit there." So
my wife got up and moved. This was wrong. He could have requested nicely to
sit where he wanted to, which I thought would be proper manners. But with my
wife, it came to a head one Sunday when we came to his house. This is what
happened.

My wife and I are staying in a hotel temporarily 45 miles away until our house
is completed. We were planning on going to a water park, and my little brother
wanted to get there early when the park opened to avoid the lines. My wife and
I got home late from my parents house the night before where my mother had a
birthday party. While at my parents' house, he called and asked if I can be
there at 9am, and I told him ok. To make a long story short, I arrived at 10am
because my wife and I slept late, and 1 hour really wouldn't mean anything. My
wife likes to sit by the wave pool, and she doesn't really go on the rides. My
little brother knows that my wife takes longer to get ready, and this is why we
were an hour late plus we were both tired. I convinced my wife to come this
particular day because she has stayed away from him because of the bad
experience she had, but I pursuaded her to come. We were not in the house for
10 seconds when he made the comment, "Why did you come, you don't go on any
rides anyway?" She said, "Excuse me.", then he said it again. He was nasty
about it, but his grandmother said he didn't mean anything by it, but she did
say, "Good that she is going." I took offsense to this, and we wound up not
going anywhere. In fact, we had a big blowout in the house about it. My wife
voiced her opinion about it where I was just upset, and I shouldn't have let my
little brother see me upset.

The way it appears to my little brother right now is that my wife only takes
offense to his actions, but I am going to have a talk with him because he wants
me to come without my wife to talk. I think he feels that I am easy going, and
that without her, I will not blast him, but he is wrong. I am going to tell
him that his actions were wrong, and that it bothered me as well. There were a
couple of conflicts with other people in my family and a friend's house that I
was afraid to take him anywhere. He recently went with me to a 4th of July
party at another friend's house, and there was no conflict, at least I didn't
hear of it, but I noticed that he kept to himself and didn't talk to my
friend's son who is the same age like I wanted him to. My little brother has
very few friends, but he is very smart and gets good grades in school.

I went back and fort with emails with him and his grandmother writing about his
problems in the past where I should have addressed them when they happened. I
now realize that I made a mistake, like someone in love, when they say, "Love
is blind." Whatever the equivalent is for this big/little relationship, this
is what happened to me.

As of this writing, his grandmother told me that his mother and step-father
knows because he told them when they asked how his day was at the water park.
Knowing his mother I am not sure if should would take offsense to what was
said. I think the step-father would more than her because he gets after the
kids. I have been friendly with all of them from day one, and they seem to
like me (at least before this happened). They are open to me with what goes on
in the house, since I am the type who has gotten so involved (and my wife
doesn't like getting involved because she is afraid of conflict). The
step-father told me that his wife babys the kids.

I am afraid of ruining the relationship, but my wife is so upset over this that
she is sick because she said that she didn't do anything. When our house is
done, my little brother was looking foward to sleeping over at times, and my
wife, as good as she is, told me previously that she would leave us there and
go somewhere for the weekend, even if it is a hotel, because she didn't want me
to be unhappy. I told her that he can't come over under these conditions.
After this last incident, she doesn't want him over or see him again. But I
kind of convinced her to give him a chance if he gets better, and to give me a
chance to try to resolve this. However, she said she needs a break from him
and doesn't want to see him for a long time, if ever.

I am told by the grandmother that he likes my wife, and things were going well
up to when they stared going bad 4-5 months ago as I said above. My wife never
did anything bad to him (our side of the story of course). My little brother
always hugged me and my wife when we left his house. He even hugged my mother
when at my parents's house. My mother was taken back by this action, being
surprised that a teenager would not be embarrassed to do this.

My view is that my little brother is a good kid, with a lot of good qualities
about him, but he has some behavioral problems that need to be corrected.
These behavorial problems don't seem to be corrected at home, and I am not sure
if I can help him with them.

I am not sure what to do, but I am trying to prepare myself for the match
ending because I have a feeling his mother will not back me up. I have no
doubt that the match will continue if I keep kissing his butt, and this is not
a good way to proceed.

The BBBS case manager hasn't been informed of this, at least that I know of,
else I think I would have heard something. I really like the kid, and I would
hate to lose this friendship without at least trying to work it out. Is this a
troubled kid or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Like I said, I think he
is a good kid, but he needs to learn how to act, and I would like to help him
because it upsets me a lot to think that we may break up the relationship
because I really care about this kid and want to help him grow up a little
easier and do the right thing. This is my opinion. Can someone please help me
with what I should do?


Rob

In article ,
(Rob08757) wrote:



The BBBS case manager hasn't been informed of this, at least that I know of,
else I think I would have heard something. I really like the kid, and I
would
hate to lose this friendship without at least trying to work it out. Is this
a
troubled kid or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Like I said, I think
he
is a good kid, but he needs to learn how to act, and I would like to help him
because it upsets me a lot to think that we may break up the relationship
because I really care about this kid and want to help him grow up a little
easier and do the right thing. This is my opinion. Can someone please help
me
with what I should do?


Rob

Long post, and I just read through it quickly, but the first thing that
appears to me is that it looks to me like he is trying to let you know
that he wants time alone with you -- JUST you -- and not with your other
family and friends. I don't know that much about the BBBS program, but
I guess I was under the impression that that was something you were
supposed to do: spend time where he had 100% of your attention.

If I were you, before losing the relationship, I'd try to spend a couple
of hours once a week with just the two of you doing something, and
without commenting on his other behavior. After a few months of that,
see where things go.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

I have a few comments about your story. I don't think you've described
things well enough to really understand the problem.

In article ,
(Rob08757) wrote:

My wife has joined us on many outing, and things were seeming to go right,
but
he started saying nasty things to her at times. My wife didn't tell me this
until recently, and he seemed to say things to her when I wasn't with them in
the room, so I had no idea this was happening, and I had no idea how upset my
wife was getting. Looking back, he would say things around me or just be
plain
rude, but I overlooked them thinking it was a phase or he may stop, and I
would
tell him it was not nice or you need to act like (THIS). We were at Burger
King, his favorite place to eat, and I was in the rest room. My wife and him
were together, and she sat in a seat, then he said to her, "You sit there."
So
my wife got up and moved. This was wrong. He could have requested nicely to
sit where he wanted to, which I thought would be proper manners.

"You sit there" is a little rude, but not nasty. Is this your best
example? Certainly he could have asked nicely, and it does sounds like
he's not interested in being with her. Could he be jealous of what is
supposed to be your time together as big/little brother? Considering the
situation, I'd try to be understanding if the feelings behind this
behavior are that he wants your attention as his big brother.

While at my parents' house, he called and asked if I can be
there at 9am, and I told him ok. To make a long story short, I arrived at
10am
because my wife and I slept late, and 1 hour really wouldn't mean anything.
My
wife likes to sit by the wave pool, and she doesn't really go on the rides.
My
little brother knows that my wife takes longer to get ready, and this is why
we
were an hour late plus we were both tired. I convinced my wife to come this
particular day because she has stayed away from him because of the bad
experience she had, but I pursuaded her to come. We were not in the house
for
10 seconds when he made the comment, "Why did you come, you don't go on any
rides anyway?" She said, "Excuse me.", then he said it again. He was nasty
about it, but his grandmother said he didn't mean anything by it, but she did
say, "Good that she is going." I took offsense to this, and we wound up not
going anywhere. In fact, we had a big blowout in the house about it. My
wife
voiced her opinion about it where I was just upset, and I shouldn't have let
my
little brother see me upset.

This story makes even less sense. You made a commitment to him, and were
an hour late. No doubt he was hurt and disappointed. Did you apologize?
Sincerely? You brush it off "1 hour wouldn't mean anything" but you
realize that you're the one who broke a commitment - you said you'd be
there by 9am. Can't you imagine how anxious he was getting as he waited
for you? And did you tell him your wife was coming, or was he also
looking forward to having you to himself and then had that
disappointment too?

And then you say you got offended at the grandmother saying "good that
she is going." What does that mean? I think you probably owe them an
apology, at least for being late. And you need to cut him more slack as
a teenager who's still learning manners.

Obviously, there's a lot more to it than these two incidents, but it's
hard to give advice on such a broad problem. My best guess is that he
wants your attention, and sees your wife as competition for it. I'd
suggest talking with the Big Brother people about it; maybe they will be
able to work with you and have suggestions. I also applaud you for not
giving up on this; he's at a difficult age, and would really benefit
from your sticking with him.

- Lynn

HI -

Several suggestions:

First, I agree with a previous poster that your time together with your
little brother should be one on one, with no other people present to
distract you.

Second, have a sit-down talk with your little brother. Explain that you
really want to be his friend, but that every friendship can have rough
patches. You two are going through one now, and so now is the time to
learn what to do to fix it. Your stated goal is to improve the
friendship. And YOU should say that the first thing you'll do to help
matters is spend your together time JUST with him. No other people
allowed. Then say a couple of other things that YOU can do to help the
relationship. Then give your little brother a chance to suggest things
HE can do to improve the relationship, and also to tell you what things
he'd like to see change on YOUR part. Finally, you say one or two
things (NOT more than that) that you'd like your little brother to
change so you can continue to be good friends.

Next thing. Make sure the ground rules of your friendship are clear.
Ie, always tell each other the truth, do your best to be polite at all
times, no phone calls after 10pm, whatever. Now, be VERY consistent
about enforcing those rules. If your little brother is rude, take him
aside and explain what was rude, and what he could do instead.
Sometimes he may not know the better way to approach things.

Finally (or maybe first), get in touch with your BBBS case worker and
discuss all this with that person. He or she probably has experienced
this before and may be able to offer some advice, probably advice far
better than mine is, since I don't have a lot of experience with kids
that age!

I hope you guys can work it out.
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

In article , Rob08757 says...

HI,


I am volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters, and I have been a Big Brother for
over 1 1/2 years to a now 13 1/2 year old. I am starting to have problems with
the relationship, and I am not sure how to resolve it. He comes from a home
where his mother is divorced, remarried last October, and the grandmother lives
in the house along with his two brothers (9 & 12), for which the 12 year old is
matched, and the 9 year old had a failed match. The father is not involved,
and I am told that he is a drinker, and he has court ordered supervised visits.
The problems started getting worse about 4-5 months ago, and I am not sure how
to handle it. I want to explain what is going on.

My little brother seems to have trouble socializing with people and is very
bitter about things. He has a couple of friends, and the relationship with
them is iffy. One boy his age is friends with me, and I talk with him
frequently online. We met him through a church social that used to be held
weekly (not anymore, another crazy story). This other boy tells me when he
wants to get together with my little brother that he has an "attitude". I
didn't have him expand on it, but I think I know what he means. My little
brother had a conflict with one of this boy's friend, who I think was a jerk
anyway, but that is besides the point. He has had conflicts with his father,
and so have the other boys. His step-father, who was never married, is trying
to teach the kids and it appears that the boys seem to like him, although I see
conflict, which I guess is normal. He buries himself a lot in video games and
he also reads a lot. He likes going places, but when he is ready to leave, he
lets you know it. He is quiet when around strangers, but he is very
comfortable around the people he knows where he is very talkative, and being so
comfortable, he sometimes says things that are rude and insulting. This has
gotten worse over the last few months that it finally came to a head. However,
it wasn't me that initially brought up his bad attitude.

My wife has joined us on many outing, and things were seeming to go right, but
he started saying nasty things to her at times. My wife didn't tell me this
until recently, and he seemed to say things to her when I wasn't with them in
the room, so I had no idea this was happening, and I had no idea how upset my
wife was getting. Looking back, he would say things around me or just be plain
rude, but I overlooked them thinking it was a phase or he may stop, and I would
tell him it was not nice or you need to act like (THIS). We were at Burger
King, his favorite place to eat, and I was in the rest room. My wife and him
were together, and she sat in a seat, then he said to her, "You sit there." So
my wife got up and moved. This was wrong. He could have requested nicely to
sit where he wanted to, which I thought would be proper manners. But with my
wife, it came to a head one Sunday when we came to his house. This is what
happened.

My wife and I are staying in a hotel temporarily 45 miles away until our house
is completed. We were planning on going to a water park, and my little brother
wanted to get there early when the park opened to avoid the lines. My wife and
I got home late from my parents house the night before where my mother had a
birthday party. While at my parents' house, he called and asked if I can be
there at 9am, and I told him ok. To make a long story short, I arrived at 10am
because my wife and I slept late, and 1 hour really wouldn't mean anything. My
wife likes to sit by the wave pool, and she doesn't really go on the rides. My
little brother knows that my wife takes longer to get ready, and this is why we
were an hour late plus we were both tired. I convinced my wife to come this
particular day because she has stayed away from him because of the bad
experience she had, but I pursuaded her to come. We were not in the house for
10 seconds when he made the comment, "Why did you come, you don't go on any
rides anyway?" She said, "Excuse me.", then he said it again. He was nasty
about it, but his grandmother said he didn't mean anything by it, but she did
say, "Good that she is going." I took offsense to this, and we wound up not
going anywhere. In fact, we had a big blowout in the house about it. My wife
voiced her opinion about it where I was just upset, and I shouldn't have let my
little brother see me upset.

The way it appears to my little brother right now is that my wife only takes
offense to his actions, but I am going to have a talk with him because he wants
me to come without my wife to talk. I think he feels that I am easy going, and
that without her, I will not blast him, but he is wrong. I am going to tell
him that his actions were wrong, and that it bothered me as well. There were a
couple of conflicts with other people in my family and a friend's house that I
was afraid to take him anywhere. He recently went with me to a 4th of July
party at another friend's house, and there was no conflict, at least I didn't
hear of it, but I noticed that he kept to himself and didn't talk to my
friend's son who is the same age like I wanted him to. My little brother has
very few friends, but he is very smart and gets good grades in school.

I went back and fort with emails with him and his grandmother writing about his
problems in the past where I should have addressed them when they happened. I
now realize that I made a mistake, like someone in love, when they say, "Love
is blind." Whatever the equivalent is for this big/little relationship, this
is what happened to me.

As of this writing, his grandmother told me that his mother and step-father
knows because he told them when they asked how his day was at the water park.
Knowing his mother I am not sure if should would take offsense to what was
said. I think the step-father would more than her because he gets after the
kids. I have been friendly with all of them from day one, and they seem to
like me (at least before this happened). They are open to me with what goes on
in the house, since I am the type who has gotten so involved (and my wife
doesn't like getting involved because she is afraid of conflict). The
step-father told me that his wife babys the kids.

I am afraid of ruining the relationship, but my wife is so upset over this that
she is sick because she said that she didn't do anything. When our house is
done, my little brother was looking foward to sleeping over at times, and my
wife, as good as she is, told me previously that she would leave us there and
go somewhere for the weekend, even if it is a hotel, because she didn't want me
to be unhappy. I told her that he can't come over under these conditions.
After this last incident, she doesn't want him over or see him again. But I
kind of convinced her to give him a chance if he gets better, and to give me a
chance to try to resolve this. However, she said she needs a break from him
and doesn't want to see him for a long time, if ever.

I am told by the grandmother that he likes my wife, and things were going well
up to when they stared going bad 4-5 months ago as I said above. My wife never
did anything bad to him (our side of the story of course). My little brother
always hugged me and my wife when we left his house. He even hugged my mother
when at my parents's house. My mother was taken back by this action, being
surprised that a teenager would not be embarrassed to do this.

My view is that my little brother is a good kid, with a lot of good qualities
about him, but he has some behavioral problems that need to be corrected.
These behavorial problems don't seem to be corrected at home, and I am not sure
if I can help him with them.

I am not sure what to do, but I am trying to prepare myself for the match
ending because I have a feeling his mother will not back me up. I have no
doubt that the match will continue if I keep kissing his butt, and this is not
a good way to proceed.

The BBBS case manager hasn't been informed of this, at least that I know of,
else I think I would have heard something. I really like the kid, and I would
hate to lose this friendship without at least trying to work it out. Is this a
troubled kid or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Like I said, I think he
is a good kid, but he needs to learn how to act, and I would like to help him
because it upsets me a lot to think that we may break up the relationship
because I really care about this kid and want to help him grow up a little
easier and do the right thing. This is my opinion. Can someone please help me
with what I should do?


So, the net is - he's not a real polite kid (welcome to 13 1/2, although he'll
have to work on that), who isn't real nice to your wife sometimes, and was angry
at one point for your standing him up for one hour due to your wife's getting
ready.

1. He isn't perfect; his home life isnt' perfect - that's why he needs a Big
Brother.

2. He needs a Big Brother. Not to be
Little-Bro's-a-third-wheel-because-he's-out-with-a-couple, - - he needs a Big
Brother.

3. That's you. That's just you. You're supposed to be a good male influence in
his life. As in - male.

4. Two and Three probably being exacerbated because he's already had a parental
figure partly disrupt him by recently remarrying to *her* new mate, making sort
of a third wheel already at home. (Not that this isn't his mother's right, not
that it wasn't necessary or even for the best, not that the step family thing
isn't necessarily going as well as expected - but that's still how it *feels*.)

5. Don't stand him up for a meeting or date just as you wouldn't stand up an
adult for an hour.

So, you know what to do. Commit *your* time to *your* Little Brother and treat
him with ordinary human respect.

Banty

Rob08757 wrote:

: I am not sure what to do, but I am trying to prepare myself for the
: match ending because I have a feeling his mother will not back me up. I
: have no doubt that the match will continue if I keep kissing his butt,
: and this is not a good way to proceed.

Hi Rob:

I was a Big Brother/Big Sister for 3-1/2 years and was matched with a very
challenging situation per my request. First off, the guidelines for how
we spend time with our Little Brothers and Sisters is one-on-one and we're
not to shower them with presents or try to fix them or spend more than a
few hours a week together. Unless the rules have changed dramatically, or
no such rules apply to your affiliated chapter, it sounds like to me that
you may be burning out on the relationship because you are not following
the guidelines. I'm wondering if you're hesitant to talk to the BBBS case
worker for you realize that is what s/he might say to you, in fact even
reprimand you for not staying within the guidelines set out by the program
for very good reasons.

I know how hard it is to hold back from getting overinvolved, and
especially in dire situations. We are required to report abuses we see
within the family to our case worker, which unfortunately I had to do.
But we are there to provide a role model for kids at risk or kids who need
same gender role modeling. We're not there to save the family or the
child directly. The hope is by giving these kids a small break, the ones
in dire circumstances, each week from the lives they're forced to endure,
they are shown a different way of living and have options they might not
have had otherwise.

It's easy to burn out on the tougher cases and perhaps you may need a
reassignment. We can care for these kids but only up to a point since we
are not their parents or legal guardians.

Talk to your case worker. That's really the best approach under the
circumstances.

Noreen

dragonlady wrote in message ...
In article ,
(Rob08757) wrote:



The BBBS case manager hasn't been informed of this, at least that I know of,
else I think I would have heard something. I really like the kid, and I
would
hate to lose this friendship without at least trying to work it out. Is this
a
troubled kid or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Like I said, I think
he
is a good kid, but he needs to learn how to act, and I would like to help him
because it upsets me a lot to think that we may break up the relationship
because I really care about this kid and want to help him grow up a little
easier and do the right thing. This is my opinion. Can someone please help
me
with what I should do?


Rob

Long post, and I just read through it quickly, but the first thing that
appears to me is that it looks to me like he is trying to let you know
that he wants time alone with you -- JUST you -- and not with your other
family and friends. I don't know that much about the BBBS program, but
I guess I was under the impression that that was something you were
supposed to do: spend time where he had 100% of your attention.

If I were you, before losing the relationship, I'd try to spend a couple
of hours once a week with just the two of you doing something, and
without commenting on his other behavior. After a few months of that,
see where things go.

I DO know about BBBS, as I have two children that are involved with
the program and the original post incensed me in several ways. First,
there are social workers assigned to each match and this information
should ONLY be shared with the social worker, not to the internet. If
I ever saw any information about MY child on the internet as posted by
his/her Big, I'd be calling my attorney very very quickly. This is a
confidential relationship and to post this type of information on the
net is a serious breach of this confidentiality.

Second, Marie is exactly right. You are supposed to have a 1:1
relationship with your match. You are NOT supposed to involve your
family at all, unless it's a party or something special. Both of my
kids have been involved in BBBS for well over a year and neither has
met any family members of their Bigs. In fact, one has never been to
the home of his/her Big, while the other one has.

This is a relationship for the CHILD, and you're doing a disservice to
the child if you don't pay 100% of your attention to him. If you feel
that there are family issues you cannot handle, that is what your
organization is for. They are made up of social workers who deal with
this kind of stuff all the time. It is THEIR responsibility, not
yours, to act as a social service agency, which they are. You are
there to support the child, and not to get involved in his family. If
you see things that are disturbing to you, or disruptive to your
relationship with your Little, then report it to your agency, but
DON'T put it on the internet!

Marjorie

lynn wrote in message ...
I have a few comments about your story. I don't think you've described
things well enough to really understand the problem.

In article ,
(Rob08757) wrote:

My wife has joined us on many outing, and things were seeming to go right,
but
he started saying nasty things to her at times. My wife didn't tell me this
until recently, and he seemed to say things to her when I wasn't with them in
the room, so I had no idea this was happening, and I had no idea how upset my
wife was getting. Looking back, he would say things around me or just be
plain
rude, but I overlooked them thinking it was a phase or he may stop, and I
would
tell him it was not nice or you need to act like (THIS). We were at Burger
King, his favorite place to eat, and I was in the rest room. My wife and him
were together, and she sat in a seat, then he said to her, "You sit there."
So
my wife got up and moved. This was wrong. He could have requested nicely to
sit where he wanted to, which I thought would be proper manners.

"You sit there" is a little rude, but not nasty. Is this your best
example? Certainly he could have asked nicely, and it does sounds like
he's not interested in being with her. Could he be jealous of what is
supposed to be your time together as big/little brother? Considering the
situation, I'd try to be understanding if the feelings behind this
behavior are that he wants your attention as his big brother.

While at my parents' house, he called and asked if I can be
there at 9am, and I told him ok. To make a long story short, I arrived at
10am
because my wife and I slept late, and 1 hour really wouldn't mean anything.
My
wife likes to sit by the wave pool, and she doesn't really go on the rides.
My
little brother knows that my wife takes longer to get ready, and this is why
we
were an hour late plus we were both tired. I convinced my wife to come this
particular day because she has stayed away from him because of the bad
experience she had, but I pursuaded her to come. We were not in the house
for
10 seconds when he made the comment, "Why did you come, you don't go on any
rides anyway?" She said, "Excuse me.", then he said it again. He was nasty
about it, but his grandmother said he didn't mean anything by it, but she did
say, "Good that she is going." I took offsense to this, and we wound up not
going anywhere. In fact, we had a big blowout in the house about it. My
wife
voiced her opinion about it where I was just upset, and I shouldn't have let
my
little brother see me upset.

This story makes even less sense. You made a commitment to him, and were
an hour late. No doubt he was hurt and disappointed. Did you apologize?
Sincerely? You brush it off "1 hour wouldn't mean anything" but you
realize that you're the one who broke a commitment - you said you'd be
there by 9am. Can't you imagine how anxious he was getting as he waited
for you? And did you tell him your wife was coming, or was he also
looking forward to having you to himself and then had that
disappointment too?


The Big Brother Big Sister contract that all parties sign says right
on it that neither party is to be late. The Littles promise to be
ready when the Bigs come to get them, and the Bigs promise to be on
time. An hour late is inexcusable. Absolutely, positively inexcusable.
You have no clue how much these kids plan on the time together, and
how upset they get if their Big is late. My kids are always ready well
before the Big is supposed to arrive, and my son often sits on the
hood of my car waiting to see his Big turn the corner onto our street.
If either Big were an hour late, I'd have an entire hour of hysterics
on my hands.

Again, the commitment made is not you AND your wife, it is with you
alone, and you break that commitment every time you include your wife.
You impede the relationship and you damage the trust your Little has
in you when you include your wife without asking.

Apparently you were not well trained for this relationship and your
information is sorely lacking about how the relationship is supposed
to run. You are not being well managed by your case worker either, nor
are you using the BBBS office for help with your relationship. What
you need to do is exclude your wife, show up on time, be more aware
that this is a relationship ONLY between you and your Little, and not
his grandmother or your wife, and go from there. It sounds to me like
this is a damaged relationship and I'm not sure if it can be repaired.
But I implore you to speak to the BBBS case worker immediately and
fill them in on what is going on. They'll have a meeting with both
parties, hear both sides, and determine what needs to happen next.



And then you say you got offended at the grandmother saying "good that
she is going." What does that mean? I think you probably owe them an
apology, at least for being late. And you need to cut him more slack as
a teenager who's still learning manners.

I agree. And why would you think the grandmother should be pleased
that your wife, an interloper, would be coming along? Why SHOULD she
want your wife to be there, and why would the Little want her to be
there? Is this for your wife's pleasure or for your Little that you
spend time with this boy?

Obviously, there's a lot more to it than these two incidents, but it's
hard to give advice on such a broad problem. My best guess is that he
wants your attention, and sees your wife as competition for it. I'd
suggest talking with the Big Brother people about it; maybe they will be
able to work with you and have suggestions. I also applaud you for not
giving up on this; he's at a difficult age, and would really benefit
from your sticking with him.

Exactly.

Marjorie

- Lynn

"ColoradoSkiBum" wrote in message
...
: I DO know about BBBS, as I have two children that are involved with
: the program and the original post incensed me in several ways. First,
: there are social workers assigned to each match and this information
: should ONLY be shared with the social worker, not to the internet. If
: I ever saw any information about MY child on the internet as posted by
: his/her Big, I'd be calling my attorney very very quickly. This is a
: confidential relationship and to post this type of information on the
: net is a serious breach of this confidentiality.


I think you need to back off. I don't see any violation of
confidentiality.
I see a totally anonymous post that, AFAIK, could come from any country in
the world.

Except for the fact that Bigs sign several confidentiality contracts, with
the caseworker, the Little, and the Little's parents. Things like this are
only supposed to be discussed among the people mentioned above. Even if the
post is "anonymous" (which, in my opinion, nothing posted to USENET is
entirely anonymous), it is not appropriate according to BBBS rules. Those
rules are in place to protect the child...from things like the details of
their life being posted on a worldwide forum.

For the OP, *go to your caseworker*. This is exactly what they are there
for!

--Jodi

Three comments come to mind:

1) If you are going to be late, call first. Shows respect to the kid.

2) This should be between you and the kid. I don't see anything wrong with
including your wife occaisonnally (like maybe taking the kid on a special
event, like a baseball game). But the key word is occaisonnally.

3) Talk to you BBBS case worker. That is what they get the bucks for. And
they would rather get involved now rather pick up the peices later.

Jeff