xpost: coping w/becoming a SAHM?

Hi out there...my name is Maria. I have 2 kids ages 4 and 3. With in the
last few months I have lost my job and am only working part time 2 evenings
a week and one weekend day when DH can be home with the kids.

I've worked full-time outside of the home since the children were born. We
never discussed this when I was pregnant, because financially we could not
afford for one of us to be a SAH parent. Plus with my last employer I was
the one to carry health insurance on the family, ect. Well here we are, and
I am not relishing the thought at all.

I know that there are plenty of people out there that say there's no better
thing than being at home with the kids...but quite honestly, I never wanted
to be in that situation.

Any others out there that have had a similar situation? Any advice would be
appreciated.

TIA

Maria
Kelly 2/19/00
Kyle 7/9/01

On Wed, 21 Jul 2004 01:18:56 EDT, "Maria Danielle Darst"
snuck out of the ether to utter:

Hi out there...my name is Maria. I have 2 kids ages 4 and 3. With in the
last few months I have lost my job and am only working part time 2 evenings
a week and one weekend day when DH can be home with the kids.

I've worked full-time outside of the home since the children were born. We
never discussed this when I was pregnant, because financially we could not
afford for one of us to be a SAH parent. Plus with my last employer I was
the one to carry health insurance on the family, ect. Well here we are, and
I am not relishing the thought at all.

I know that there are plenty of people out there that say there's no better
thing than being at home with the kids...but quite honestly, I never wanted
to be in that situation.

Any others out there that have had a similar situation? Any advice would be
appreciated.

Hi Maria,
Being a SAH parent isn't for everyone, and it sounds like the "no
better thing than being home with the kids" line of thinking just
isn't for you. Can you increase your hours at your part time job?
Get an additional part time job to equate to the full time hours you
were working? Can you get another full time job?

Nan
--
"when the sun goes down we'll be groovin'
when the sun goes down we'll be feelin' alright,
when the sun sinks down over the water
everything gets hotter when the sun goes down"
~Kenny Chesney

"Nan" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 21 Jul 2004 01:18:56 EDT, "Maria Danielle Darst"
snuck out of the ether to utter:

Hi out there...my name is Maria. I have 2 kids ages 4 and 3. With in the
last few months I have lost my job and am only working part time 2
evenings
a week and one weekend day when DH can be home with the kids.

I've worked full-time outside of the home since the children were born.
We
never discussed this when I was pregnant, because financially we could
not
afford for one of us to be a SAH parent. Plus with my last employer I was
the one to carry health insurance on the family, ect. Well here we are,
and
I am not relishing the thought at all.

I know that there are plenty of people out there that say there's no
better
thing than being at home with the kids...but quite honestly, I never
wanted
to be in that situation.

Any others out there that have had a similar situation? Any advice would
be
appreciated.

Hi Maria,
Being a SAH parent isn't for everyone, and it sounds like the "no
better thing than being home with the kids" line of thinking just
isn't for you. Can you increase your hours at your part time job?
Get an additional part time job to equate to the full time hours you
were working? Can you get another full time job?

Nan
--
"when the sun goes down we'll be groovin'
when the sun goes down we'll be feelin' alright,
when the sun sinks down over the water
everything gets hotter when the sun goes down"
~Kenny Chesney

Nan,

Thank you for the reply. Quite honestly DH and I came to the conclusion long
ago that once the kids were in school he wanted to try to find something to
do from home so that one of us could be here for them, ect. We had never
planned on it being me, I quite honestly knew that I wasn't up to the
challenge.

I'm looking for an increase of hours where I work...but it doesn't seem to
be panning out so far. I've been looking for work since the day after I lost
my job, but I'm having a hard time finding something. We had to pull the
kids out of daycare to save some $. They've been going since I lost my job,
that way I could pick up extra hours at my PT job and also be able to go
apply for jobs, go on interviews, ect. We just can't afford it any more and
we're behind on all the rest of our bills. So that was a big one that we
could eliminate, so here we are.

Maria
Kelly 2/19/00
Kyle 7/9/01

"Maria Danielle Darst" wrote
I've worked full-time outside of the home since the children were born. We
never discussed this when I was pregnant, because financially we could not
afford for one of us to be a SAH parent. Plus with my last employer I was
the one to carry health insurance on the family, ect. Well here we are,
and
I am not relishing the thought at all.

I know that there are plenty of people out there that say there's no
better
thing than being at home with the kids...but quite honestly, I never
wanted
to be in that situation.

Any others out there that have had a similar situation? Any advice would
be
appreciated.

I always wanted to be home with the kids, but that doesn't mean that it
isn't sometimes a very trying thing to do. However, there are some common
coping mechanisms that stay-at-homes (whether by choice or by force) use,
which include staying busy, getting regular breaks from the kids (e.g.,
getting an hour to yourself after dinner), and staying in touch with other
adults (whether through mommy-and-me groups or by getting out with friends
separate from the kids, while your DH has the kids).

Your kids are at pretty fun ages, and I'm sure you love them to death. Can
you try to think of this as a little vacation with them, since it's clear
that you'll be going back to work asap? Set up a schedule, even just a loose
one, such as: hang around the house in the early morning; do chores and
errands before or after lunch, then do something fun every afternoon,
whether that means going to the pool, going to a park (we go to playgrounds
all over the area for variety), playing board games (you're lucky your kids
are so close in age), or doing something "big" like going to a museum.

It may seem counterintuitive, but try having their friends over for
playdates. At 4 and 3, you will probably find (with the right friends; this
may take some experimenting) that they go off and play, leaving you with a
large block of "free time". Even without friends over, a 4 and a 3 YO should
be able to play independently. Insist that they learn to. Is it summer where
you are? if so, do you have a baby pool? If you fill that up and bring out
some snacks and drinks, you could probably kick back with a book yourself
while they amuse themselves for an hour or more.

Do you have a decent public library nearby? My library is teeming with free
kiddie activities, and it's also just a fun place to take kids your kids'
ages because they will usually go off and look at books, and you can do the
same (or bring your own). I have seen moms reading in the library while
their kids play games on the library computers!

If you're still unemployed in the fall, perhaps you could look into a
church-run preschool? They're not usually very expensive (not nearly as
expensive as daycare), and you could perhaps put them in, say, a 2 morning
per week program to give yourself a break.

Anyway, the point is to not let the days just come and go in an unorganized
fashion. I find that very depressing.

Dumb question, but if you don't really WANT to do it, why are you
contemplating it? I don't think everyone is cut out for it - I stayed
home for 8 or 9 months with each of my three, and that was enough,
thanks. There are lots of ways to be a good mother, and a happy mom is
a heck of a lot better than a miserable one who's doing something
because she (or someone else) thinks she "should".

I have a good friend who's a musician and writer, and she and her
hubby got it into their heads that her being SAH full time AND
homeschooling was the ideal. She was really trying to live up to her
own ideal but she was completely unhappy, and it got worse with time -
and things got so awful, she just about had a breakdown. Even her
marriage was unravelling (she was depressed, they were fighting etc.
etc.). It was very, very hard for her to admit that maybe this wasn't
the healthiest route for her family and to give herself permission to
try something else and not beat herself up over it. She went back to
work part time, the kids were enrolled in a local school, and wow,
things got 100% better.

Being SAH just isn't for everyone. You have to do what works for your
family based on the individuals and circumstances involved - there is
no one size fits all.

In the case of my friend, her hubbie was trying to recreate his own
childhood - which was a mistake given that just you can't do that. We
all of us are different people than our parents, our relationships are
different, the cast and crew of family, friends and neighbours that
surround us are different, its a different time, a different place.
What worked for that group of people at that time and that place is
NOT necessarily what will work for us.

I know myself well enough to know SAH would not be a good choice for
me. My mother was SAH due to the times she lived in (i.e. young wife
and mother in the 50's and 60's when it was expected) and she was not
particularly happy or, fulfilled by the role even though she was good
at all things domestic - it just wasn't right for her, and her
frustration, boredom, loneliness and dissatisfaction did impact the
kids, no doubt about it.

Mary G.
Works full time outside the home, happy mom of three happy, healthy
kids (13, 10 and 6).

Sorry, I haven't really had time to reply to my thread, but let me try to
address it.

For the suggestions from previous posters, thank you. It just feels like all
we are doing is just kind of hanging around the house.

Mary, I like your post. So let me explain.

I don't want to do it...but don't really have a choice at this time. I lost
my job 3 months ago, I was denied my unemployment claim and we just don't
have the financial reserves to keep them in daycare. I've been looking for a
job since practically the day after I was fired, but nothing is panning out
for me. So the bills are piling up and one of our biggest expenses was day
care (fairly cheap daycare at that) and it could be cut so it had to go. I
do work part-time a few days a week.

Personally long ago DH and I decided that if it ever came to one of us
staying at home with the kids, it would probably be him. I am too much of a
workaholic type and I enjoy working outside of the home. It makes me feel
like myself and I'm that much happier when I'm with the kids.

I like the story about your friends. While every once in a while the
maternal bug bites me and I think it would be great to homeschool the kids,
stay at home...ect....well the reality of it is so much more harsh than
idealized daydreaming. *lol* But it does take a pretty big person to admit
that they aren't cut out for it. I don't really know what kind of home my DH
grew up in. He was born in 1970, and knowing his mom and dad I would be that
his mom was home with them....he tries to defend by saying that his mom and
dad ran their own store starting when he was in h.s....my question is, what
did she do up until that time?

He looks at his Aunt and her hubby...she stays at home with their 2 boys
(iirc, they are 14 and 11 or 12?), they go rv'ing across country in the
summer time, ect. I wouldn't have a problem with that per se, but if he made
the kind of money that his uncle does so we could do something like that
then maybe it would be different. We can't afford for me to stay home, I
know there are those out there that list off all the additional expenses of
working outside the home, but to me they are worth it for my own sanity.

So I don't know if he's trying to recreate some ideal that he thinks our
kids should have, or quite what the deal is. I know that financially it was
straining us and that like so many other things it seemed like a good idea
at the time. He keeps saying that I can go back to school this way and
finish up my degree. My counter arguement to this is, if we can't afford to
put food on the table, we certainly are not going to be able to afford me
going back to school.

Thank you for the response Mary,

Maria
Kelly 2/19/00
Kyle 7/9/01
"Mary Gordon" wrote in message
om...
Dumb question, but if you don't really WANT to do it, why are you
contemplating it? I don't think everyone is cut out for it - I stayed
home for 8 or 9 months with each of my three, and that was enough,
thanks. There are lots of ways to be a good mother, and a happy mom is
a heck of a lot better than a miserable one who's doing something
because she (or someone else) thinks she "should".

I have a good friend who's a musician and writer, and she and her
hubby got it into their heads that her being SAH full time AND
homeschooling was the ideal. She was really trying to live up to her
own ideal but she was completely unhappy, and it got worse with time -
and things got so awful, she just about had a breakdown. Even her
marriage was unravelling (she was depressed, they were fighting etc.
etc.). It was very, very hard for her to admit that maybe this wasn't
the healthiest route for her family and to give herself permission to
try something else and not beat herself up over it. She went back to
work part time, the kids were enrolled in a local school, and wow,
things got 100% better.

Being SAH just isn't for everyone. You have to do what works for your
family based on the individuals and circumstances involved - there is
no one size fits all.

In the case of my friend, her hubbie was trying to recreate his own
childhood - which was a mistake given that just you can't do that. We
all of us are different people than our parents, our relationships are
different, the cast and crew of family, friends and neighbours that
surround us are different, its a different time, a different place.
What worked for that group of people at that time and that place is
NOT necessarily what will work for us.

I know myself well enough to know SAH would not be a good choice for
me. My mother was SAH due to the times she lived in (i.e. young wife
and mother in the 50's and 60's when it was expected) and she was not
particularly happy or, fulfilled by the role even though she was good
at all things domestic - it just wasn't right for her, and her
frustration, boredom, loneliness and dissatisfaction did impact the
kids, no doubt about it.

Mary G.
Works full time outside the home, happy mom of three happy, healthy
kids (13, 10 and 6).

In article ,
"Maria Danielle Darst" wrote:

Hi out there...my name is Maria. I have 2 kids ages 4 and 3. With in the
last few months I have lost my job and am only working part time 2 evenings
a week and one weekend day when DH can be home with the kids.

I've worked full-time outside of the home since the children were born. We
never discussed this when I was pregnant, because financially we could not
afford for one of us to be a SAH parent. Plus with my last employer I was
the one to carry health insurance on the family, ect. Well here we are, and
I am not relishing the thought at all.

I know that there are plenty of people out there that say there's no better
thing than being at home with the kids...but quite honestly, I never wanted
to be in that situation.

Any others out there that have had a similar situation? Any advice would be
appreciated.

TIA

Maria
Kelly 2/19/00
Kyle 7/9/01


I did not ever expect to be home full time, but we moved cross country
when I was pregnant the second time (DH finished his degree, and that's
where the job was) and I didn't want to look for a job that pregnant, so
I figured that I'd look for a job after the baby was born. The baby
turned out to be two babies, and daycare for infant twins and a 3 year
old was more money than I could make -- so, like you, I ended up making
a financial decision to stay home full time.

I won't pretend it was easy. I don't think I was really prepared for
the effect on my identity -- I had had a position of some responsiblity,
and gots lots of strokes for doing a good job. Being a SAH mom -- well,
you don't get the same kind of positive reinforcement. I mean, the hugs
and kisses are nice, but it just isn't the same as another grownup
telling you what you did well! Eventually, I got used to that.

I ended up maintaining a fairly busy schedule -- classes for the kids,
library time, play groups, etc. -- because otherwise I went nuts. The
other thing that saved my sanity (and probably my marriage) was finding
a community to be involved in (in my case, a church) -- a place where I
could use some of the skills that I felt were atrophying in volunteer
work, attend meetings where we talked about things other than our kids,
and where DH and I were able to establish friendships with some of the
same adults.

In the end, I ended up working part time (like 10 hours a week) FOR the
church while the kids were small, and now work 30 hours a week
(different church -- DH's employment situation moved us again -- but the
same job; an unexpected benefit was that I fell in love with the work).
I've had spells of working more (generally temp jobs) in order to bring
in more income, but I'm not sure I could handle a full time job now!

(My kids are now 18 and 21, and all out of high school. One doesn't
have her license yet, so she still depends on me for transportation, but
parenting adults is a whole different ball game!)
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Maria Danielle Darst wrote:
Hi out there...my name is Maria. I have 2 kids ages 4 and 3. With in the
last few months I have lost my job and am only working part time 2 evenings
a week and one weekend day when DH can be home with the kids.

I've worked full-time outside of the home since the children were born. We
never discussed this when I was pregnant, because financially we could not
afford for one of us to be a SAH parent. Plus with my last employer I was
the one to carry health insurance on the family, ect. Well here we are, and
I am not relishing the thought at all.

I know that there are plenty of people out there that say there's no better
thing than being at home with the kids...but quite honestly, I never wanted
to be in that situation.

Have you decided to make this arrangement permanent?
Or is this just a stop-gap measure until you can find another
job?
I think the main thing to surviving being a SAHM,
particularly if you're not temperamentally suited to it,
is to get out as much as possible. Don't just hang around
the house. It's a challenge to get out and meet other folks
who are home most of the day, and it will likely take a while.
You may also find that you don't resonate with the folks you
meet right away. Some will get better with time, and in other
cases you'll move on to find others who are more like-minded.
Keep an open mind--you may find at first that all SAHPs seem
alike, and not what you're used to in the way of companions.
If you get to know them a bit better, you'll likely find
that they have more to offer than you initially thought
(though of course, some just won't pan out).
In addition to finding friends to do things with
(ideally with kids about the same age as yours), get out
and do things on your own too. Find classes for the kids,
go to a gym that has childcare, go to the park, etc. It
will keep the kids occupied (they're probably not used to
sitting around the house either) and give you an opportunity
to meet others too. Try to get out of the house every single
day.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote in :

the house.**It's*a*challenge*to*get*out*and*meet*other *folks
who are home most of the day, and it will likely take a while.
You may also find that you don't resonate with the folks you
meet right away.**Some*will*get*better*with*time,*and*in*othe r
cases you'll move on to find others who are more like-minded.
Keep an open mind--you may find at first that all SAHPs seem
alike, and not what you're used to in the way of companions.
If you get to know them a bit better, you'll likely find
that they have more to offer than you initially thought
(though of course, some just won't pan out).

On a related note, if none of them seem to talk about the things
that interest you, you can always introduce that topic of conversation.
Certainly some of them may look at you as if you are nuts to be interested
in it, but other times you may find it is a secret passion of theirs too.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

I am opposite because I was miserable at work once I had my first dd.
I did start a business with flexible hours that I do from home cause I
do like to work. That right there is one thing you could do.

For sanity's sake I agree with the rest, you've got to get out of the
house at least every other day, and preferably every day. We go to
several different parks. One is a small lake for swimming, another
has ducks and geese to feed, and the last has play equipement. We
also belong to a play group. We go to a local mall with a playground
inside it, we go to mcdonalds playland and chuck e cheese, and we go
to the library. It's actually pretty cool. It's like summer vacation
when I was a kid going to all these fun places all the time.

It's also less expensive to shop at many different stores by knowing
which stores have the lowest prices for which things, so we go to at
least 1 store every time we leave the house. And there is the bank
and the post office to go to as well. We also sometimes just take
drives around to explore.

It is soo much easier if you get out alot.

KC


"Maria Danielle Darst" wrote in message ...
Hi out there...my name is Maria. I have 2 kids ages 4 and 3. With in the
last few months I have lost my job and am only working part time 2 evenings
a week and one weekend day when DH can be home with the kids.

I've worked full-time outside of the home since the children were born. We
never discussed this when I was pregnant, because financially we could not
afford for one of us to be a SAH parent. Plus with my last employer I was
the one to carry health insurance on the family, ect. Well here we are, and
I am not relishing the thought at all.

I know that there are plenty of people out there that say there's no better
thing than being at home with the kids...but quite honestly, I never wanted
to be in that situation.

Any others out there that have had a similar situation? Any advice would be
appreciated.

TIA

Maria
Kelly 2/19/00
Kyle 7/9/01